[Mouse_]

I read this article last night about how wanting a hug from T is best talked about rather then just gotten or something like that. About its better to explore what we feel the hug would mean and just how much it could actually help in the long term. or something like that.

My pain inside reading this really has gotten triggered...I know my T would never hug coz she's analytical and maybe the truth is it would be better to talk about the feelings and put them where they belong. BUT I DON'T WANT A TALK SOLUTION! I want to be loved in the most obvious ways...and even if I ever said this to T, I can see her smiling and then "talking" about it, then I feel rage and want to jump all over her.

I am fed up with it always being about what we never got"! bollocks! I dont want to talk about it because it hurts! bollocks AGAIN and even BIGGER BOLLOCKS

[Mouse_]

and T's away next week also...another bollocks!

[Mouse_]

Its feels like I am empty without the possiblity of ever feeling loved again! all hope is lost! gone! ...alone, empty..sad...pissed off..depressed...fed up? so %#@&#! fed up!

[Mouse_]

raining cats and dogs! If t was here now I'd tell her I dont want a hug now anyways. she can stick it

[Mouse_]

can't even take a drug coz me %#@&#! stomach is killing me..bollocks

[Fuzzybear]

Growling quietly with you in the corner of the room.

[Mouse_]

But know wait a minute...isn't T really "there"?? I mean I only have to remember how connected we are in session and the feelings back......I mean shes away next week but shes not "gone" she still exists...I haven't been left alone for ever...theres that invisible bond still there...ohhhhhhhhh maybe this is the pain inside of me that I have refused to look at...its so huge that the only way to even begin to look at it is to feel its T's fault which would mean T can fix it if only I had the nerve to ask and then I would never have to feel abandoned again...except T can only help me with it..help? Oh that sounds like a clinical term..you mean there is something that i am going ot need HELP with? yuk

[Mouse_]

thanks Fuzzy!

Mouse, is the article on the Internet? If so, I'd be really interesting in seeing it.

One time I passed T a note in session (didn't you know we are in junior high school, lol) about how I wished for him to hug me. Of course I wanted him to jump up after reading the note and say, "Ohhhh, duhhh I should have known this all along," and then move in for a big one. Of course that didn't happen. And of course we barely processed it because I was embarrassed as hell. However, he did say to me, "Do you think that I didn't already know this?" And I'm thinking, "Great-- you know, I know... now get over here and hold me." It's absolutely horrible, I know... To just sit there and look at him all smiley when I'm the one dying... he doesn't need a %#@&#! hug... It hurts big time. And I don't wanna sit there and talk about what it means to hug, why we can't hug, blah, blah, blah.

[LittleMouse]

It seems that getting a hug is such a huge thing for most of us in therapy. I happen to be one of the lucky one who's therapist will give a hug to. I remember it took me a year to tell him that I would like a hug and then he told me that the reason he has never offered a hug was that he was protecting me. I told him thank you but I don't need protection I need a hug and then he said OK I'll give you a hug and HE DID! We hug after each session and he once told me that If I did not ask for a hug after each session he whould think something was wrong because it had become part of our ritual each session. I feel very comfortable with the end of session hug, I have never asked for a hug at any other time and doubt that I ever would again.
But it is so nice to know that he would hug me if I asked. He even gave me a little booklet about therapeudic hug! I thought it was so sweet of him. He told me that he had been and use to do workshops on therapeudic hug and that he felt comfortable with. I thought it was so cool and still do. I hate it for all of you guys who want hugs and don't get them but I certainly understand that it is a very personal decision on the part of the patient and the therapist.

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))) I am sorry that you are struggling at this time with this situation. I wish you could join a support group where hugging and being emotional is acceptable, then you would not feel the loneliness that you are feeling at this time. I hope you feel better soon Mouse. Take care and stay safe. Soidhonia

[sunrise]

Mouse, I would like to see the article too. Can you give the link?

I'm sorry you want a hug and can't get it. I agree, if it were me, I would not find talking about why I want a hug to be helpful at all. I would either want the hug or not want to talk about it if I couldn't get it. I don't think discussing that topic would be helpful or therapeutic to me. But hey, that's just me.

I have had a few hugs from my T. They come at the end of particularly intense sessions. But usually we have no contact, and I am OK with that. I feel our rare hugs are a physical manifestation of the closeness we have felt in session. They feel "right" to me. It does not feel like they are to replace affection and comfort I never received as a child (i.e. they are not transferential). I'm not sure my T would give that kind of hug.

I guess a lot depends on the T's therapeutic approach as well as his/her personality and his/her assessment of the client's needs. It sounds like your T's analytic training does not allow her to include hugs in her therapy. But she is caring in so many other ways. I hope that can be enough.

[Mouse_]

I read this.

[/B]I want more than anything for my therapist to hug me because it hurts so much sometimes when we talk. Would that be inappropriate?


There is nothing inappropriate with wanting a hug from your psychotherapist. The problems begin when you start to believe that a hug will somehow make your life better.

A psychotherapist’s job is to help you encounter and verbalize the unspoken emotional pain that you have been avoiding all your life. Hugging your psychotherapist can give the illusion of some momentary relief, but relief is not healing. A hug, under these circumstances, will only “short-circuit” the intensity of the healing process. Healing comes only from facing the pain directly and honestly and then putting it into words. Only when you want healing more than anything else—more even than a hug—will you find healing.

Once you have encountered your pain and understood it, then you will have the capacity for emotionally genuine relationships, and you can give and receive all the hugs you want from friends and relatives. [/B]

[Mouse_]

I read this.

[/B]I want more than anything for my therapist to hug me because it hurts so much sometimes when we talk. Would that be inappropriate?


There is nothing inappropriate with wanting a hug from your psychotherapist. The problems begin when you start to believe that a hug will somehow make your life better.

A psychotherapist’s job is to help you encounter and verbalize the unspoken emotional pain that you have been avoiding all your life. Hugging your psychotherapist can give the illusion of some momentary relief, but relief is not healing. A hug, under these circumstances, will only “short-circuit” the intensity of the healing process. Healing comes only from facing the pain directly and honestly and then putting it into words. Only when you want healing more than anything else—more even than a hug—will you find healing.

Once you have encountered your pain and understood it, then you will have the capacity for emotionally genuine relationships, and you can give and receive all the hugs you want from friends and relatives. [/B]

[Nikki2000]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
BUT I DON'T WANT A TALK SOLUTION! I want to be loved in the most obvious ways...and even if I ever said this to T, I can see her smiling and then "talking" about it, then I feel rage and want to jump all over her.

I am fed up with it always being about what we never got"! bollocks! I dont want to talk about it because it hurts! bollocks AGAIN and even BIGGER BOLLOCKS

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((((((Mouse)))))) i can totally relate to that...

[Perna]

One person's ideas/opinions. I had a group therapist who worked hard with me on hugs (starting with handshakes :-) because that was what I needed. I wasn't "allowed" to leave each week without touching. It wasn't that which helped me though, the hugs didn't "connect" with me until I was rubbing my stepmother's back when she wouldn't/couldn't get out of bed one morning, just taking it easy and got all sorts of flashbacks to being little and her rubbing my back, etc. I had to connect to that physical part of myself that was real before the hugs were "real" and could help heal. I think I agree with the quote; it's a physical fantasy to have one's therapist hug one before that part of us is operational and once that part is operational, we don't need the "therapist's" hugs anymore. I've never realized that wholly until now, that T is part of my fantasies on many/all "levels" not just feeling/heart or thinking/head.

I think when I first terminated with my T in 1987 she touched my shoulder as I was leaving the room that last session. It was symbolic to me for a long time (I cherished the memory) and I joked about never washing my shoulder ever again. But when we terminated in 2005, we didn't even shake hands, the session ended like any other session and the only times we touched in 9 years was sometimes when I was handing her my check for payment and the first termination touch feels like a dream/I imagined it or made it up; a storied touch.

[Mouse_]

See the thing is, we all have our own inner knowledge, and I know for me, this Q&A was correct. If it weren't then I wouldn't have reacted to angrily to it. The truth will set you free. I know from all previous T experience that it was in talking/working it through that true inner healing came. I know this pain inside wants to be faced and healed, I know a hug would be a momentary relief, I know this, unyet I don't want to know it. When I hand my money over to T, she always stands right in front of me, always trying to make eye contact with me as I give it to her, unyet I turn sideways away from her. I know she's trying to cross the emotional bridge to meet me, but I'm still edging sideways toward her. I know a hug wouldn't be the cure, its the journey that I take to finally turn and face her head on that will bring the final resolution, and a hug would just then be the trimming of the gift. I KNOW THIS!

[Perna]

That's when my T did her "Not with THAT attitude!" to me that I'll remember to my dying day and use on myself often :-) The angry, stomp-of-the-foot stand to keep myself from collapsing into that place where there's no comfort or choice, just the drudgery of continuing on, putting one foot in front of the other.

[Mouse_]

I, I, feel I may have finally got in touch with some deep, deep feelings here with all this hug stuff. I actually had some spare energy today that left me motivated enought to go clean out the darkest, deepest kitchen cupboards!

I haven't really done indepth housework since I started therapy as my energy seems to be taken up with that..but today working on the energy of dealing with the emotions I channelled themm into something "real" and relaxed and worked at the same time, instead of being stagnant sitting in my arm-chair waiting for that perfect "moment"

aarrrhh, breath in, breath out

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Mouse,

Been pondering this thread, and wonder: do you feel like you are missing something without the hug?

I'm not so sure I really want a hug from T. I like the space between us. It's small, defined and makes me feel secure. What I want is intimacy--never had it. I want him to be with me NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF HE THINKS I AM CRAZY. The hug, I could do without--although it would be nice.

[ECHOES]

Mouse, my T is analytical too. But when she was facing surgery and an unknown future after that, I asked if I could give her a hug. I knew in my heart it was as much my longing for one as it was a desire to offer her support and well wishes at our last session before her surgery. I was so shocked when I asked and she simply said "Sure". I had also read about no hugs and I was hoping to express my desire to give her one even if it wan't possible because of her boundaries. It felt really good.

A few months later, just recently, I asked if she would have allowed that hug, knowing now what fantasies I have of being hugged/held by her. I suspected she would have never considered allowing the hug had she known. But she said "Yes." .. "It fit in that moment"

In between these sessions we talked about my desire for physical comfort from her. She said that if she felt it would be beneficial to me she would, but she didn't feel it would be. I think I understand that there is a big difference between a hug and a desire for physical comfort--that seems like more involvement than just a hug. And that she wants me to learn to get that need filled in other ways. I really don't understand what she means though.

I do think she would allow it again if it seemed to fit in the moment. I don't know what that might be and even though I want it, I won't spend time and energy trying to figure it out or manipuate it. ... unless I am already; maybe that's another purpose the fantasy serves.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
BUT I DON'T WANT A TALK SOLUTION! I want to be loved in the most obvious ways

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> oh, me too...

[Mouse_]

When I'm in the room with T, the hug doesn't seem so important. I spend most session with my arms crossed against me anything, so it doesn't leave much room for T's arms also.

In my mind, the thought of being hugged, kinda of feels the void. If I was to be hugged I would be cocooned against lifes difficulites. Almost like the chemical hug I've used most of my life.

The hug represents everything my bio mother never did, CLAIM ME! Make yours, take away the emptyness. But as I say that last bit I realise the emptyness will always be there once the hug is finished if I don't learn to fill it with something else more permanent.

[ECHOES]

mouse,

I hope we both learn how to do that, to fill that up with something more permanent and that we can draw on whenever we need it.

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))). I jsut really wanted to clarify that most therapists get into therapy to CLAIM the lives back somewhat for their patients that have lost their lives to something, abuse, addictions and so forth. Just because your therapist does not touch you in sessions does not mean that they are not on your side fighting for your best interests day to day. Your therapists would have to care for you immensely to hang in there and come up with ideas that help you move forward with your lives on a continual basis. I think therapists getput into a role like a movie that they just are ingrained with ideas and the whole situation takes abot 15 minutes to learn. your therapists have put in years of time to learn how to help you in making the correct day to day decisions. I feel the reason there is so much confusion regarding therapists is because no one really appreciated the time and effort and years spent in helping their clients. Touching clients also leads to confusion for some clients as well in not keeping boundaries in tact. It does not necessarily mean they dont care it is just good practice to leave a client in tact emotionally when they leave or try thebest that they can to help while they have you in their ofice. Therapeutic recovery is not a soap opera it is your life and future, and you and your therapist are working on a very important of recognition that you are a persn that deserves the best in life. Take care and god day everyone. Respect to all of you that are posting here. Soidhonia