If your therapist says something hurtful and unprofessional, would you return?

The way I see it, perhaps the unprofessional thing was to tell you the story about her daughter's baby. She could just have said "family reasons" and leave it at that. I would not dump her over what she said if otherwise she is a good T for you.

Totally this!

Maybe a possibility is to each agree to share the blame? 50/50. Maybe use that as a starting point for moving forward?

@InnerPeace111: I like that idea. We did have two more sessions after that. But things still feel very awkward. I think a part of her hasn't gotten over it yet. Not sure if she will in time to come. But I guess it's not in my control. I still think that a therapist shouldn't take it personally when really, it was about the situation and how it relates to my issues which brought me to therapy in the first place.

Ideally, no, she shouldn’t have taken it personally. I agree that your comments to her were all about you and your feelings just as her response back to you was all about her and her feelings. She most likely took it personally because her situation, for her, is still so raw...kind of like an open wound...where anything that touches it...even a gentle breeze...well, it’s going to sting her and hurt terribly.

In that moment, you both said what you were feeling. You were both being real.

I think your story here illuminates two things quite beautifully: the interconnectedness of all human beings and our shared humanity.

I wish the best to both of you in terms of peace and healing.

I might just say that to her the next time we meet. LoL.

This therapist had absolutely no business telling you that she might move away in 6-12 months to begin with, imo. If your t had any common therapist sense at all, she would know how distressing that news would be for some clients. Now she's engaged you in her limbo for several months. Will she stay or will she go? That was a totally bad judgement call on her part.

Your t told you something threatening. How she doesn't get that is disturbing to me. She should have been more logically prepared for your reaction and prepared to discuss. Instead, she shut you down. In no way would I apologize.

I understand t's make mistakes like anyone else. Under normal circumstances, I would think and hope this could be worked out. Often times, a rupture-repair can lead to a more solid relationship between client and therapist. However, you are now challenged with not knowing if this t will even be around in 6 months, 9 months, or 12 months. Is that insecurity going to loom in your head for all of that time?

I probably wouldn't bother continuing to see this therapist, but that's me. My need for a therapist will probably expand beyond 6 months to a year. To know that my t might move away in 6-12 months would be too unsettling, which would compromise the therapy. I might go for a session or two for closure, if I needed it, and that's it.

I think it's inevitable that it's going to feel awkward for you as long as resolution, in your mind, is up to some change in thinking or action on the part of your T. What I'm not hearing is any reflection on your part of your own words. That's the place where the awkwardness lives and will continue until addressed.

@feralkittymom: I had apologized to the therapist for letting my emotions get the better of me and lashing out at her. Responding hatefully and angrily at that point allowed me to assert myself which was easier than being vulnerable.

AllHeart: It's probably not a good idea with hindsight now. But to be fair, I was the one who asked if this meant she would be moving out-of-state.

Why do you want to go back to this one ?

You were expecting her to care more her clients (or rather about you) than about her daughter and grandchild? Really? Obviously she shouldn't have told you any of this (how is this relevant to your therapy?) and I usually don't care to defend therapists but what you said was completely awful. You attacked her daughter and her premature grandkid, what on earth did you expect? Of course it wasn't going to be all peachy. You don't seem to even want to continue this therapeutic relationship and frankly I don't think it's salvageable since you don't want to consider what you said so I would move on.

How did she respond to your apology?

It's beyond baffling to me that a t wouldn't expect an angry, hateful reaction upon delivering such news to a client. I give you credit for taking accountability for your actions. I discredit your therapist for putting you in the position of having to let your emotions get the better of you. And she can't as much as apologize to you for recognizing how her irrelevant, personal self-disclosures led to all of this.

How did she respond to your apology?

It's beyond baffling to me that a t wouldn't expect an angry, hateful reaction upon delivering such news to a client. I give you credit for taking accountability for your actions. I discredit your therapist for putting you in the position of having to let your emotions get the better of you. And she can't as much as apologize to you for recognizing how her irrelevant, personal self-disclosures led to all of this. Yikes!

Therapists set the game up -if they cannot handle a client's emotions -then they should choose a different profession. They advertise that therapy is place you can say anything without thinking about the therapist -I think they should be held to that. I don't think the OP did anything wrong in the context of therapy

I don’t know...it seems to me that anything about therapy is fine to say in therapy, from the therapy itself to the effing relationship to negative comments about the therapist’s job performance to the client’s own stuff/feelings about their stuff, however angrily expressed.

And in some ways here the client was criticizing the therapist’s job performance...but they did it by attacking the therapist’s family. The therapist certainly should have anticipated an emotional reaction, whether hurt or anger, but, seriously, should they have anticipated a statement like this, aimed at a baby born at 25 weeks who may be struggling to live and faces significant psychological and physical challenges in life due to such an early birth? I don’t think that could be anticipated. And the client is autonomous and did have a choice about what to say. “I think that’s really unfair to your clients and it makes me angry” gets the same message across without dragging innocent bystanders in.

I don’t know...it seems to me that anything about therapy is fine to say in therapy, from the therapy itself to the effing relationship to negative comments about the therapist’s job performance to the client’s own stuff/feelings about their stuff, however angrily expressed. Even negative personal comments about the therapist. Dragging in the therapist’s family, not okay to me anyway.

And in some ways here the client was criticizing the therapist’s job performance...but they did it by attacking the therapist’s family. The therapist certainly should have anticipated an emotional reaction, whether hurt or anger, but, seriously, should they have anticipated a statement like this, aimed at a baby born at 25 weeks who may be struggling to live and faces significant psychological and physical challenges in life due to such an early birth? I don’t think that could be anticipated. And the client is autonomous and did have a choice about how to respond and what to say. “I think that’s really unfair to your clients and it makes me angry” gets the same message across without dragging innocent bystanders in.

Then I would expect a therapist to explain the rules and exceptions to said rules. None I have seen have done so. They have all said - You can say anything in here;the rules of regular polite society do not apply here and so on. They never laid out their exceptions. If they are not going to give the rules clearly, then I think taking the rules at face value is completely within a client's right to do so.

Yeah, depending on how strong the bond is. My T recently said something hurtful. I was asking, what does it mean if I get fired (after asking God for help in getting this job), and T blurted out "it means you suck". I was FLOORED. He quickly covered it up, like he was totally joking, but wow... you don't joke with someone like that when they are terrified they actually will be fired. But overall he's great so honestly I need to just forgive this and move on.

Do they actually say that, though? Or is it an urban myth? "You can tell me anything." But whats the next part? I have to admit, i have engaged in this behavior myself, in the past. I endeavor to do so no longer, but instead always to live by the golden rule.

The ones I saw actually said those things.
I have also had fun with those people in court when I get them to admit they told it to my clients and then point out how their later objection when my client took them up on it was setting my client up to fail. They don't get to say one thing but mean another. That is total crap. They have to tell the client all the rules or they don't get to pull out and use secret ones or undisclosed ones for their own benefit.
When I get to do that to them- it is always a moment of great pleasure for me.

Then we shall just have to disagree on this one.

Theres an echo in here!

But no Narcissus!

I think I got rid of the echo(es).

Hey i actually understood that

Pretty bold, coming on a psychotherapy site and proclaiming it free of narcissists. O'course, who's gonna disagree with you?

@stopdog: I'm still considering returning to this therapist because we've had a good relationship for the past two years where she had been supportive and available. After this incident, I conveyed to her that I thought therapy was a place where I could say anything that came to my mind. And she said agreed, but said that there were some boundaries - which I didn't understand because I couldn't see the distinction. She understood that boundaries were difficult for me to understand so we let that go for the meantime.

I guess whether I stay on or not would depend a lot on how the next few sessions progress. At least she was able to acknowledge her unprofessionalism; some therapists won't even recognize that and continue to be defensive about it. And she is open to working through this "rupture" with me. What I'm worried about is whether she is able to be fully present with me and listen to me in a neutral and professional manner. When I voiced that concern to her, she said that that was for her to worry about and take care of. Well; yes it is. But you can't expect me to feel as safe with you as I did before this incident.

I had bad experiences with previous therapists in the past, and didn't return to therapy for five years. I thought that therapy was a joke. So if things with this therapist doesn't work out, I don't think that I would look for another one again.