[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Just wondering what you guys do when your T somehow manages to upset you (unintentionally). I usually only realize that happened after the session is already over. In that case, do you guys sit with the feeling for a week (or however long you have between sessions) and only then talk about it? Do you call/text/email/whatever your T allows? Do you not mention it at all after it has happened?

[NP_Complete]

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I try to sit with it for a while. If that's not working, I would email about it. The one time I did email, I got a very positive and understanding response from him. He was glad that I had shared with him why I was upset.

If I realise it during the session I try to mention it. If I realise afterwards, I have been known to email him about it and I have also been known to wait till the next session. I find putting it out there via email and not having the opportunity to discuss it properly really difficult sometimes. Sometimes that's more difficult than waiting.

[SoConfused623]

I used to have a blank slate T, and she did not allow email or texting... So if we had a rupture I'd have to wait all week ir even 2 weeks to talk to her! Now my current T allows email and if something is bothering me abiut her or our session I send her an email about it and she responds through email and then we talk more about it at our next session if necessary.

I would never go to a T now that didn't allow email. When I didn't have email access I would ruminate about things all week and it pretty much ruined my life as I was unable to do my work. Things are so much better now with my new T!

[snowangel17]

I usually realize he has said something to upset me after the session too. I have to just sit with it until the next session the following week which is really really difficult as the feelings tend to get worse and more exaggerated despite my best efforts during that time.

I think it would be much better and helpful if I could email him my thoughts/hurt/anger as soon as I realize even if he was just to reply with an acknowledgment of receiving the email and potential to discuss next session. At the start, however, he did say he doesn't 'do' email unless it's a scheduling issue.

It seems somehow cruel to have to sit with such terrible (and often unnecessary) hurt and pain. Usually, it ends up being a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of something he said, me overreacting to something and realizing it within seconds or he apologizes. If a friend or even just a colleague (which I know a T is neither) said something to upset me I think I would bring it up with them as soon as possible so as not to drive myself crazy dwelling on it.
When I do finally get to share the upset with my T in the next session it dissipates within minutes of discussion so it would be helpful to have this sooner IMO.

[atisketatasket]

Yell at them. (I usually react during session. If after, I send them an email telling them exactly what they did wrong.)

[ElectricManatee]

I always tell her. For me, it would get in the way of therapy if I didn't. The best, most satisfying method is to wait and tell her in session if I can. But I have definitely lost my **** over the phone between sessions at least once.

[CharlieStarDust]

I try figure out why what she did or said upset me, so I sit with it for a day or two and then email her. She's very receptive and we discuss in session.

[Salmon77]

I bring it up at the next session. I don't have any contact with my T between sessions, except occasionally for scheduling. But I prefer to wait and sort out my thoughts and feelings on my own anyway.

[Sarmas]

I usually don’t mention anything. I try to sit with it and see where that takes me. Once things build up I then take a break.

[ruh roh]

I usually email and work very hard not to turn it into an argument because that does not go well at all online, so my intention is mainly to try to understand what happened; and if I can't get to that place, I vent and hope that my therapist can hold steady through it. She is mighty fearless in this regard, which I appreciate, because things can wrong when not working things out in person.

[Amyjay]

I get upset by things my t does sometimes but I can't connect with the idea of her "upsetting me." I just think sometimes I react to things she does. She doesn't "do" anything to me.
When I get upset by things she says or does I try to figure out why it was upsetting. Sometimes it is because I felt invalidated, sometimes it is because she says something dumb, sometimes it is because it triggers past stuff. So what I do depends on why her actions triggered that response in me. But my focus is always that. Not that she did something "to" me.

[LonesomeTonight]

It depends on which T and how upset I am. Ex-T and current marriage counselor allow outside contact with no charge, so I tend to let them know by e-mail, text, or phone (in ascending order of level of upset--like if I'm extremely upset, it's the phone, but that's rare). I've found it's better for me not to sit on it, because then it festers in my head and gets worse. I mean, yeah, there are advantages to learning to "sit with the anxiety," and sometimes I do that. But there's also something to be said for resolving things instead of agonizing about them.

Current T charges for e-mail/text/phone over a certain amount of time, so that acts as a deterrent. Though I've really only been upset with him once (it's only been 3 months though...), and I did text him that time because it was over a financial misunderstanding (him charging me for an e-mail that I hadn't expected him to charge me for). We had a brief text exchange about it (no charge!), then later that night I felt worse about it and contacted him to ask if we could talk (willing to pay fee). He said he'd rather talk in person, so he offered me a half session the next day, at which we worked things out and had some other helpful discussion.

At first I was bothered by his charge for any nonscheduling outside communication that takes longer than 15 minutes. But now I sort of understand the benefits of meeting in person to talk it out--or at least by phone--having had my share of e-mail or text exchanges with ex-T or MC that have left me more upset and then taken more time to resolve--or a total lack of response, which made me feel worse than if I hadn't reached out at all.

So...I suggest, if you're really upset, phone call (if allowed) or possibly meeting sooner to talk it out. E-mail or text can sometimes help, but sometimes make it worse, so it's a tossup--and probably depends on how responsive your T is to outside contact and how good they are expressing themselves in text/e-mail.

my therapist has been upsetting me a lot the past week.
as soon as i get a chance to talk to her again, i am sure we will end up with me yelling, her yelling, and us fighting, then me crying, then we work things out. its our usual pattern.

[stopdog]

I would write the woman a letter and mail it telling her how she failed. Then I would write a short story in which she was either the murderer and died in the end from horrible horrible death, or she was murdered and died a horrible horrible death

[healinginprogress]

I send an e-mail. I don't like to sit on it. Plus I get honest emotions out that way, and I don't have time to talk myself out of them.

I get a new therapist or quit therapy. There doesn’t seem to be any point in saying anything whether in person or by email/phone/etc. Even if they actually listen, they won’t understand.

[nottrustin]

It has only happened a few times. The first couple of times I said nothing. The next appointments where stressful and I was standoffish. The last couple nn of times I have said something when it happened. We have come to realize words can mean totally different things to is so she of arrives we clarify what we mean

[ScarletPimpernel]

Depending on what it is that upsets me, I might try to sit with it. But normally, I'll email her. It's always a misunderstanding, so I know once I talk to her, everything will be okay.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Thanks for the responses everyone! I usually try to sit with it for a few days and if that doesn't work contact him earlier. But it's interesting to see that some people manage to always wait it out, not talk about it at all or even leave because it!

[junkDNA]

I tell him

[Lemoncake]

I'll be honest here though it won't paint me well- the old me used to act up- during our last rupture I skipped a session then when I was present I was very mean and angry and played up the erotic transference.Then after all of that I told him.

[zoiecat]

I will always wait till the next session to bring it up. My therapist starts each session with this 4 question questionnaire thing about how he did on the previous session so it's easy for me to write him low on something and he knows right away that something has upset me. Sometimes I'm able to talk about it other times I have something written down and hand it to him to read. He is very good at apologizing when necessary and we usually talk it out and everything is better by the end of the next session.

[DP_2017]

it only happened once..... and i told him about it and we discussed it and moved passed it

I like to look at my momentary upset critically inside and express it when I feel it is relatively realistic considering the situation. But are were definitely things that can trigger me intensely and then I could be rather mean and impulsive, which I never felt was beneficial. I think I like best to discuss it in a civil manner, but that was pretty hard to do with one of my Ts, for example, who was far more reactive/emotional than myself. There was also the fact that I wanted to put my focus more on my own problems that brought me into therapy in the first place and spend less of it talking about the therapist-client dynamic, including negatives.