What to expect?

During my last session, my therapist kinda made me feel like she was giving up on me. But my initial response was to get a bit defensive and question her. I feel a bit sad, but mostly think her initial points make sense. I would have thought this wouldnt come for at least a year or more of therapy not just months. And I really was trying. Even talked about how she'd only terminate if she thought the client wasn't making an effort and not showing up. Anyways I told her I want to stop therapy, and I'm planning on our next session to be the last.

Mostly I just don't think the one sided dynamic of therapy works for me. Especially as someone who's not used to talking about themselves when it's not in a balanced way. It's all vey confusing cause she's not my friend, so I'm never gonna get to the same level of comfort that I have with them. So I see it as the same level as seeing a gynecologist or some other professional who you a trying to be comfortable with because it's their job.

Hi Marsfx...

I feel like I missed something. What happened that made it feel like your therapist is giving up on you? It sounds like she said or did something, and your response is to go ahead and leave, to avoid being hurt by her abandoning you? (Am I anywhere in the ballpark?)

I'm sorry... and you're right. Therapy IS a weird relationship. I don't have it figured out either. I'm trying... but haven't had much success. My latest therapist has been saying that she doesn't feel like she's helping and doesn't feel good about our sessions, so it feels to me like things might be coming to a very early ending too (I only started seeing her this summer) - but we've talked a bit about how we might work together, given that I suck at therapy and hate the self-disclosure stuff too.

We've decided to try to approach it slightly differently. I'm picking out therapy books that I've wanted to read/work through, and we're going to read them together and discuss each week. I think it will help take the focus off me, a little... but still give me room to talk about what comes up. This is the first week, so we'll see how it goes... I hope it makes it easier to talk!

Would something like, a different approach, be helpful for you, do you think?

There are also different types of therapy. Some people here have had more luck with somatic therapy, I think, which focuses more on the body. I don't know much about it, but it might be worth looking up. Maybe a different type of therapy would click better with you?

Did you feel like you clicked with this therapist? I find that really hard... because the type of people who become therapists don't seem to be people that I naturally click with... or maybe, I just find all their therapist-y questions really annoying. I was thinking about it last night, that I find the questions they ask *aversive* rather than connecting. I don't have an answer for how to fix that though.

Good luck.

My therapist is very blank-slate. She has allowed me to know very little about her. But over time, I've actually been able to feel quite close to her.

The dynamic can feel odd and it is certainly unique. If you are new to therapy I would encourage you to give it a chance. If not with her, then with someone else. Therapists also vary quite a bit in terms of how much they self-disclose. Maybe you need a therapist who discloses enough so that you feel that human connection. That could even be something you bring up with your current T. As a therapist, I start off disclosing very little but will disclose slightly more if the client expresses that it is helpful.

I hope your therapist didnt mean she was going to terminate you, and recognizes if you are invested and working. I feel that she should own her power position, and reach out a hand to you, make you feel seen, and take responsibility that the theraputic relationship between you is a solid part of her job and in her jurisdiction to make work for you both. If you feel so estranged from your T that you want to quit before she terminates you, it is a big make it or break it therapy moment. A rupture that needs repair. You sound vulnerable, and that you would like for it to work?

In real life, I spend almost all my mental energy reading people, and people -pleasing lol; I try to adapt to the worldview( I know this is unhealthy) of others and speak their language fluently rather than checking in with myself. I never knew that until this year of therapy. Because of this , my therapist freaks me out and I never feel I know him that much better week to week. None of the ( hyper vigilant) ways I feel socially proficient and skilled are allowed in the room. The neutral stance scares me, the lack of cues, the lack of all the feedback people offer in waterfalls in normal life are missing. Every other week I think he is going to be done with me, even though he is reliable, insightful, consistent - every good thing. The power play inherent in therapy feel awful to me. One person plays poker with their cards up and one person plays with their cards hidden. I have so many times almost quit because I got in a negative interpretation of him, and actually I think therapy in many ways does mirror unhealthy relating in how unreciprical it feels. I do see a lot of progress and I do like and admire my T as a person, as much as I really question the frame idea and dislike that some T's do not own their power or even realize how much they scare us.

"The power play inherent in therapy feel awful to me. One person plays poker with their cards up and one person plays with their cards hidden. I have so many times almost quit because I got in a negative interpretation of him, and actually I think therapy in many ways does mirror unhealthy relating in how unreciprical it feels."

I agree. The blank-slate idea is an old one, and I think it is slowly dying out. I think the therapy field is realizing that while too much disclosure is certainly a very negative thing, appearing human and not as a blank wall helps to even out the power balance a bit and helps people to trust more. Hopefully in the coming years we see more of this.

Therapy is just one thing people try to see if it helps. There are many other ways than just therapy. Perhaps meditation or qi gong breathing or yoga or joining a swim team etc would benefit you better. All of those were better for me than therapy

@guilloche Yeah, I was okay with her, questioned the relationship dynamic but okay. Then in the last session I remember the first half I was talking about how stressful the week had been. My roommate/Friend and I finally had I guess a heart to heart. She'd been dodging me and this has been going on and off for months. She just had a very avoidant personality for the slightest thing. Our communication was way off. Through the help of my best friend, I wrote a letter, sent it to her got a reply that was just kinda writting it off, but also might just move out. It made me freak out because it wasn't clear on a lot of stuff. Then had an actual in person convo that made things a whole lot better.
But somehow she brought up if I was getting enough out of therapy, and getting my moneys worth. My initial response was defensive with questions and she didn't give too many satisfying answers. Even when I asked if she thought I'd made progress she just gave a long version of no and it'd take time.

and I have thought of other types of therapy and stuff. But it's so draining, and like @stopdog said I did think of doing maybe another activity even.

And @SalingerEsme I'm very similar! I'm extremely observant of peoples behavior, I don't even have to cautiously process it but will react based of someones else's actions and can go back and see why. Like I'm kind of a hugger, but somehow I rarely end up awkwardly initiating it with people that feel uncomfortable. I'll realize later why I felt hesitant around someone when I go back and reflect. Because of this I try to be less watchful of my T, I make regular eye contact when she speaks, but probably spend the rest of the time looking out the window. Also, this is why I'm unsure of the connection. I'm afraid of misreading her.

And yeah, she knows I'm afraid of her terminating me this was talked about a few months ago. I'm not sure if she was, but her doubts just made me feel worse. I can deal with someone critiquing me. But she wasn't. If she's unsure if she can help me, how I am I supposed to know or depend on her? My best friends don't know if they can really help me but they'd try. If I went back to therapy, I'd definitely want a different approach just not sure.

My friend also pointed out she could have been testing me??? He's never been in therapy though. Also asked maybe she expect to know more about me than him, or surprised that in a high stress situation I called him. I thought of calling her, but couldn't see her being comforting at that time.