[confused_77]

When we listen to a friend confide in us I am sure most of us try to be understanding and compassionate the way a therapist would be to us. However, don't we all occasionaly get that voice that says: 'oh you are wrong' this is b***' or just 'just get over yourself'. Do you think therapists have this too? when they listen and find it very difficult to symapthasie with you or feel you are too self-absorbed?
I hate to know that I pay them to listen to me, pay them to be 'on my side'

Ts are only human too and I am sure they get feelings and urges that are not what the client wants to hear.
I think it’s a difficult one because they are supposed to be both congruent and have empathy so if they can manage to be open and honest about what they are feeling in an empathic way, that may help the client see how others feel in their presence.
It doesn’t mean t s are always right and of course that’s just how they feel about it, a friend may feel the opposite or have their own agendas.

[feileacan]

I'm not a T but I personally don't have such urges when I listen to someone. Thus I can imagine that there are at least some T's out there who are similar and I definitely hope/believe my T is one of those. At least he has never displayed any sign of being judgemental.

I think therapist who don't have a supervisor or take good personal care of themselves can get overwhelmed and pass someone off to group therapy and not necessarily because group therapy is best, but because they can share the responsibility with other therapists. I think most therapists hide the fact that they are not experienced or capable of handling certain disorders or diagnoses and do not refer their client to a more experienced therapist. That has been my experience. But I could tell by asking the therapist what HE was feeling, so I jumped ship to an older, wiser more experienced therapist.

[SalingerEsme]

My T definitely reprimands things I say that he doesnt like- or finds less evolved or compassionate etc. I appreciate it- he will raise an eye brow or shake his head no etc. He doesnt agree all the time or empathize all the time or even most of the time- only for vulnerability or real sharing. He is a beautiful fit for me, but probably not for everyone. He is a bit harsh, lol, at times, but gentle when warranted.

[stopdog]

I believe they do. Often they will admit such in their books, statements to each other, their notes and sometimes even in their blogs. There was a link to one recently posted on here where the therapist was an absolute nightmare. I did not go to a therapist to be reprimanded or scolded or told how to be to satisfy the therapist. The therapist's thoughts don't worry me. They can think whatever they want. I don't want to know what they think, but that they think such things is not a problem for me. I find it a bigger problem that they try to sell themselves as not being judgmental rather than that they try not to openly act judgmental.

I think it is normal to have those thoughts occasionally for everyone and I would have hard time believing a T never has them, especially given that they listen to others' issues every day. I'm not a T but I have those kinds of thoughts pretty often, sometimes as a reaction to something I genuinely disagree with or do not like, other times simply just due to momentary mood or overwhelm. I doubt that any training will just erase those, they are momentary emotional reactions. The thing is not to aim for never having them, but to be able to act in a civil, respectful way.

Like stopdog, I have no problems with their having judgmental, overwhelmed, bored etc thoughts, I most dislike that many claim that they do not think and act judgmentally about clients. They sell an ideal, some people buy it and want to cultivate it, and when it breaks because there is just no way to hold it up anymore, the client gets very hurt. It is irresponsible marketing strategy and behavior, IMO.

[InnerPeace111]

Originally Posted by confused_77

When we listen to a friend confide in us I am sure most of us try to be understanding and compassionate the way a therapist would be to us. However, don't we all occasionaly get that voice that says: 'oh you are wrong' this is b***' or just 'just get over yourself'. Do you think therapists have this too? when they listen and find it very difficult to symapthasie with you or feel you are too self-absorbed?
I hate to know that I pay them to listen to me, pay them to be 'on my side'

Yes, I think T’s have these types of thoughts cross their minds from time to time when they are listening to clients. They wouldn’t be human if they didn’t think these things. However, I would think that, over time, T’s become overall less judgmental of others in general. I think T’s work hard to be curious
about their client’s lives as opposed to judgmental.

[RaineD]

I don't pay my therapist to be on my side. I pay him to tell me the truth, even if it's just the truth as he sees it. A second perspectives is always helpful.

When I can't rely on my own judgment, I borrow his.

He would be useless to me if he just agreed with me all the time and never judged me.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by RaineD

I don't pay my therapist to be on my side. I pay him to tell me the truth, even if it's just the truth as he sees it. A second perspectives is always helpful.

When I can't rely on my own judgment, I borrow his.

He would be useless to me if he just agreed with me all the time and never judged me.

Yes, this! This is what I meant, but you said it so much better.

[ElectricManatee]

I think my T has a lot of compassion for people (her clients in particular), so I think that if she didn't understand why somebody was so upset about something, she would want to dig deeper to understand what's at the root of the feeling. Sometimes there is a deep well of pain that manifests in unexpected ways, and thinking "Just get over yourself" doesn't really help you find it.

My T's therapeutic perspective focuses on people and their relationships. So if she feels like somebody has particular ways of relating that are not helpful, those patterns are likely to show up in the therapeutic relationship where she can gently point them out. She doesn't just agree with everything the client does, even though she remains firmly on their side. So therapy can be about reworking old habits, but within a caring, supportive relationship. This gentle approach might feel very different and much better than how the client's parents approached dealing with unwanted behaviors (speaking from personal experience).

And honestly maybe she does think mean thoughts sometimes, but I appreciate that she cares enough about me to not vent them at me. Thoughts are just thoughts unless you do something about them.

[InnerPeace111]

The title of this thread, Honesty from a therapist reminds me of #socialworkproblems on Twitter. It gives a more raw (and humorous) glimpse into the lives of social workers.

[malika138]

I think many of us struggle with the idea of whether we pay a T to listen to us, like a rent-a-friend, so they must not really care about us. However, don't we pay them for their expertise, part of which is knowing how to really listen to a client and to keep their s**t out of it? I don't believe that a good T will engage as thoroughly in a conversation with a friend, an acquaintance, etc., as they do to us in the session room. And when we are in the session room, aren't we supposed to be self-absorbed, in that we are talking about how we respond to the world?

Another part of their training is to know how to guide a client towards his or her decision making, and not just to offer advice. I believe a good T will approach us honestly with our best interest in mind. As someone said in this thread, when "when I can't rely on my own judgement, I borrow his."

[feileacan]

For me having such thoughts doesn't relate to honesty but rather judging. It's not about being on someone's side or not - in general I think ideally the therapist should be on the side of the truth, whatever it is. However, having judging thoughts has not much to do with truth - it has rather something to do with therapist's countertransferential feelings.

The truth is more related to curiosity - why the person is feeling and behaving the way they do, what has led them to this situation - but to my mind this stance cannot exist simultaneously with judging someone's thoughts or feelings as wrong or thinking that they should get over them.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by malika138

I think many of us struggle with the idea of whether we pay a T to listen to us, like a rent-a-friend, so they must not really care about us. However, don't we pay them for their expertise, part of which is knowing how to really listen to a client and to keep their s**t out of it? I don't believe that a good T will engage as thoroughly in a conversation with a friend, an acquaintance, etc., as they do to us in the session room. And when we are in the session room, aren't we supposed to be self-absorbed, in that we are talking about how we respond to the world?

Another part of their training is to know how to guide a client towards his or her decision making, and not just to offer advice. I believe a good T will approach us honestly with our best interest in mind. As someone said in this thread, when "when I can't rely on my own judgement, I borrow his."

Yes, a rented friend is what it feels like to me at the moment. I didn't start therapy this way - there were genuine issues that needed addressing but three years later I feel worse (maybe because of the circumstances ourside od therapy) and I feel like I reply on them so much. This silence and non judgmenal approach is hurting me. This distance, I take it personally, I feel so attached and they remian calm. I think everything really was only triggered after I send her this really long message, not the first one to be honest but I just wanted to be able to sit down and talk about it and I couldn't. I do expect the therapist to take charge when I am feeling like I get stuck and if they don't I feel/felt like its all a service, that if I don't talk then they would not take an initiative, that its my job to talk and their to listen, that if I don't know where to start they are not gonna do it for me. And for me, all I want is for her to talk to me. When I get stuck, just to take 5-10min and talk instead of asking more and more questions that I cannot answer in that moment which make me even more self counsious or suggesting rescheduling as she did.

My ex-therapist gifted me the book, "Up From The Pavement: Triumph over Grief and Trauma through Medicine... by a psychologist named Marlo Archer who practices in Arizona. She had a major motorcycle accident 2008. The book strips her raw emotionally and physically with her thoughts and feelings plastered amongst the pages. You get a front-row seat to a psychotherapist's real-life uncensored.

I am or was anti-foul language till reading the first few pages of this book, but this therapist cured me of that. At times it is laughing your arse-off funny and at the same time empathic to what she is feeling both emotionally and physically. It has also helped me cement my vision and feel more confident getting through the processes.

I also understand that she is a very decent therapist. She has given up motorcycle riding at the request of a dedicated husband.

Her website gives background info on her if you are interested: About Me | Dr. Marlo Archer.

[Myrto]

Aren't we constantly reminded here that "therapists are only human"? Nobody is a saint least of all therapists. To be human is to judge. So yes of course therapists judge their clients. I don't have a problem with that. Like other posters, I don't mind them judging me. It would be humanly impossible not to judge. As long as they keep their thoughts to themselves, I'm fine with it. The same way I don't tell my friends "just get over it" even if they are complaining about the same problem over and over. I try to be supportive, that doesn't mean I'm no thinking "god this is so annoying".

My t is painfully honest and at times I get offended and defensive, this usually means it’s a touchy subject and she is getting close to something.
If she were to avoid my wounds would they ever heal or is she digging them up and inflicting more pain?
She is judgemental at times but so am I. I don’t mean to be and upon reflecting at times when I have been judgemental it’s usually me projecting my own prejudices on to someone else. Therapists do judge and they do get tired and run out of empathy but when that happens it’s never the clients fault and they often get hurt, feel judged or shamed because the therapists lack of self care.

My therapist is quite open with me about how she really feels. She is honest. I can deal with that.

[fille_folle]

I don't know how my therapist really "feels." Sometimes she shares what she thinks, which is often essentially that I am wrong - either in thinking something or in operating a certain way. She would probably describe it differently, but that's what it comes down to, and I don't mind. She and longtime T tended to phrase correction as an alternative perspective. I only remember longtime T telling me outright I was wrong once. I actually rather liked it, although it took me off guard.

As for judgement, of course T's judge. The point is that they're supposed to interact with you in a non-judgemental way, not allowing their judgement to get in the way. Sometimes I think my T's would probably like to roll their eyes and sigh at me, but they haven't so far.

I don't believe that honesty has to equate to negativity.
I used to think my T must want to roll her eyes or say "oh just get over it" . But that was MY thinking.
I think T mentioned once, those kind of negative thoughts had been trained out of her. Plus the kind of person she is I don't really think they would have been her default thinking.
We Talked about jury service once and she said she wouldn't be able to do it because she'd find it very it hard to judge.
I struggled with that concept at that time. But as my therapy has got on, I get that.
I see shop lifters get caught at work and and the staff turn animalistic with taunts of "Gggrr. Throw the book at them, thieves!" I used to be like that. But I guess the theraoy I've had gives me the ability to stop and think.
Therapy stretches our limited thinking. Thsts where the "fake honesty" lies. Not in the T, but in our own stretched minds that can only imagine it must be like tthat for others too.

[annielovesbacon]

I have no doubt that I often frustrate my therapist. I'm sure she thinks, "How can she sit here and complain when she is flat-out refusing to use the healthy coping mechanisms that she KNOWS work?"

I care about my therapist, and I do care how she perceives me, to a degree. But I try not to let what I predict her feelings are to bother me. If I am frustrating her, so be it. At least I am being honest, and not lying to her so that she will be satisfied.