Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

Is it the new one?

I've been attending a DV survivor's group for about 9 months, but I need to take a break from it for a while. There were some issues with it. I left Monday after group just feeling worse about myself because I can't seem to pull myself together.

I don't know what he envisions this "program" being, but it took a while to trust him enough to tell him what I do tell him. I'm not sure how adding another person or persons into the mix is going to be beneficial. It hurts, a lot, to tell the story of my relationship. It dredges up so many feelings that quickly become overwhelming.

I sent him two emails tonight basically asking what the hell happened, which thing that I shared caused him to think this was the approach to take. I was hoping he would respond or call me, but I doubt that's going to happen given the time. We meet again tomorrow. I'm going to be so anxious going in there tomorrow.

No - I already listened to the one about happiness (I use hoopla which requires a library card connection but is free) last week. This week it is an older one -There's Nothing in this Book I Meant to Say.

Hm. My library does not have that audiobook. They've got the Happiness one. Is that also good?

Recommendations wanted:

January is a rough month for me. My 76y/o mother passed away Jan 25 2010. Yesterday was her birthday. I have been having terrible lucid nightmares about her for the last four nights in a row. I’m depressed during the day...would rather be unconscious. But when I sleep, I have nightmares. I’ve emailed T. She asks what has helped before? Nothing!?

I know I’m still grieving, feeling guilty and distraught everything didn’t happen with her passing as we planned or I intended.

I’ve told T and PrevT the whole story over and over for seven years. Talking hasn’t helped.

What can I do to end these nightmares?

He responded to my email. It didn't make me feel any better. I just feel like a crazy person who's just a job to my therapist. I hate feeling this way.

Wow. Im so sorry to hear you are still hurting. From what i know of you from pc, i would think you did the best you could for your mom at the time. Isnt that all any of us can do? Maybe you could see a grief counselor?

((NP)) He wants to keep seeing you, and wants to find additional support that might be helpful. It sounds to me like he’s solidly on your side. I’m curious what the program he’s suggesting is and how he thinks it can help.

A good therapist is torn between professionalism and compassion. That's why they burn out.

NP You're not a crazy person. I think he's just trying to keep you safe and right now you need that extra care.

Todays session:

I said I didn't want to go too heavy and that I didn't want to destroy his life or replace his family. The comment about replacing me irritated me but didn't hurt me. That I sent multiple emails to irritate him, because he didn't respond to the first one. That I felt like he didn't trust me to not abuse emailing him. That I wanted to feel special and just know that he was "there". He said that he heard my feedback and what I was saying and he said okay. I didn't expect him to agree.

That he had been weary of encouraging email contact because it could escalate, and that he couldn't give an immediate response. We agreed to 48 hours.

Hi couches,

If any of you have the time and spoons, please take a look at my thread seeking advice on time off from work for therapy?

I enjoyed it. there is an app called hoopla that you might check out to see if your library has access to. Mine does and it has different stuff available from my library's e selections. it has books, audiobooks and movies you can download for a period of time.

https://www.hoopladigital.com

Not doing well today. I am safe, but I am struggling.

Do you want to talk lost? I'm currently on a 5 minute break.

I'm dreading my session today. I'm afraid it's going to go like yesterday where I leave feeling hurt and steamrolled. Three more hours. Maybe I should just cancel.

I hear you. There have been times I knew I should have cancelled, but went anyway and it was a mistake. Could you lay out in advance how you want it to go and let your therapist know that right off the bat?

This meant to be humourous , cant help my sense of humour My right elbow is soo sore. Last night iwas making my last drink for the night and got the milk out and one of the kittens saw it. I could him getting ready to jump but i had milk in one hand and stick in the other. The kitten jumped on my leg and sunk his clwas in my left groin all i could think of was Get the F off and i swung the bottle of milk ( its plastic and about 1/5 full so it wouldnt have hurt him) i missed, overbalanced fell on my right elbow. The milk flew out of my hand hit the cupboard the lid came off milk everywhere there was a scramble of animals to get to it. I managed to keep them away and clean it up but wow i felt so very old in that moment when i tried to get up. I am only 50 this is ridiculous.

(((BCM))) could the kitten have picked a worse spot to sink claws in?! Ow! I hope your elbow gets better soon.

Consider a t trained in complicated grief therapy. It is a cbt type model that can help with what you're experiencing. There is an exposure element to it like with there can be with phobia treatments.

How did it go, NP?

I got reprimanded for one of the emails I sent where he felt attacked. He apologized for the way he broached the subject of the IOP. He insisted that he wants to keep seeing me for the foreseeable future. He said that maybe we could just look for alternative ways, not IOP, of getting me more support. He said something about it's an intense relationship and that we've gotten through some other rough times, coming out better on the other side. I told him how I felt devalued as a human being by the whole thing yesterday. He said that sounded terribly painful and apologized again for how he brought it up. He wants us to work through this. I told him I'm feeling a little closed up right now and scared to share the extent of my thoughts.

The session was really hard. But I'm going to try to open up again. It may be hard to do, but I should try. I have built up a level of trust with him over the last 18 months and I'd hate to lose that. It may take some time though.

I'm glad he apologized and wants to work through this. That's a good sign.

Is it wrong that I feel some kind of love for this person? It's not erotic. I just feel love.

Why would it be wrong? He’s being there for you at a crucial turning point in your life. Just because he’s a therapist doesn’t mean he can’t be loved.

Despite all her mistakes and the pain they caused, I still feel deep affection for No. 3, because she was there during the worst, most self-destructive time of my life.