Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

So now H and I are fighting because he saw me looking on a website he didn't recognize (GradCafe) and was looking at me, and I said what it was. So he mentioned how he'll notice what I'm looking at on my laptop and wonder about it, especially if I'm typing, and that made me kind of defensive. But he'll look at his phone while we're sitting down here, and I pay no attention to what he's looking at. Like I don't care... Yet he seems to notice what I'm looking at and wonder about it. And he got angry and yelled when I said why does it matter what I'm looking at...So, yeah, probably an awesome time to end marriage counseling! ****ing MC being a **** so I have to walk away...(and H wants a 6-month waiting period before trying anyone else).

And the ATTENTIVE look!

Jdna: "what am i, chopped liver?!"

T-Obi: (considers this possibility)

Boby would luv that I'm sure

But you guys learned how to communicate better from MC, right? You don't need him to referee or to talk to each other. Allow a cooling off period and then bring it up calmly when it seems like a good opportunity?

Yeah my heads too big to fit in the opening. Its like a short cold shoulder dickie.

Seriously though, does anyone go into session torn between wanting to downplay how bad they actually feel and being honest? I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's because last time he said, unprompted, that he wasn't available 24/7. I don't think I ever asked him to be available 24/7, but maybe that's how he sees my behavior? I just don't know. I'm so effing confused right now. I'm not well at all. But I don't want to be seen as needy either.

No wonder h didnt mind Lts transference on MC. It took all the emphasis and pressure off him. But now hes the elephant in the room again. Next to me, of course. Hes kinda bossy! Did you guys ever talk about how bossy he is? He was bossy about the little dog, too! Bossy, bossy, bossy... (wanders off, mumbling) watsamatta, did he have Buffalo today?

I wasn't making fun of you, just trying to make you laugh a bit.

To answer your question, yes. But then I figure I'm not going to get much use out of it if I don't communicate how bad things are.

People often respond to things they think people said, or (more likely here, I think, based on what you've said of him) they say something because they feel guilty about it. He might be feeling bad he can't be there 24/7 for you.

I would just tell him how bad things are. It's the only way he can really help.

Did you get your head stuck in a racerback bra?

I havent been off the grounds in over two weeks, i am getting a little stir crazy. Right now the wind chill is - oh its warming up! Its 13 degrees F!

I appreciate the lightheartedness. I often try to downplay how I'm feeling with unseriousness. I just wanted a serious answer too. Thanks. I'm struggling with why he made the comment about not being available 24/7 when I don't feel like I asked him to be available 24/7. Sometimes, I struggle with just wanting to go in like everything is great when it's the opposite. I know I have to be honest to get the actual help I need, but it's hard sometimes.

I guess we sort of learned that? Right now, MC would just say, "You got through it!" which, whatever. It was more that H was literally shouting at me, which is a trigger for me...

I think it's an awful place to be so upset that you don't even know what to do about how upset you are. I've been there and it's incredibly painful and confusing. Sometimes I get the sense that your therapist seems a bit overwhelmed, and that's probably why you feel the need to protect him by downplaying how much trouble you're having. But I think it's really important for your pain to be seen and heard, and that is precisely what therapy is for. It is totally okay for you to need things from him emotionally right now, and I hope he is able to see that and come through for you.

Idk about shouting being a trigger. Before its even a trigger, i think its a conversation stopper, even a relationship killer. Like, it killed your relationship with MC?

My mother killed the relationship with me with her such tactics. Yeah, you stay related, like you stay married, but it got to the point where i could not stand being around her anymore. That she considered me a disappointment was her problem, not mine.

After 7 years T gave me homework to do. I have to pick an unpopular part and work through this work sheet getting permission from other pats and ocument the whole process. It looks heavy going.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he might be out of his depth with the pain I'm feeling, but I still trust him. For the most part, I think he knows the depth of my pain. Sometimes I doubt it, but sometimes I don't. I do need him. I think he's acknowledged that, and that's it's okay to need him. I still feel bad about needing him though, probably due to my life experiences. I just hate feeling needy.

It's definitely hard to continue a conversation once the shouting has happened. And he seemed really angry at me. So we got our daughter through her bath OK, and now H and I have retreated to our separate corners, probably for the evening. Maybe we'll talk in the morning... I do see T for our regular meeting on Tuesday, at least.

Incidentally, my parents very rarely yelled at me. Or at each other, or anyone. I think that's a big part of why I'm so intolerant to it now, because I wasn't really exposed to it growing up. The few times they did yell, it was a BIG DEAL. Like I'd really messed up... generally something involving my OCD or anxiety...

Oh yeah, I hear ya on the feeling bad about being needy thing. I would much rather help other people and not ever need the favor returned, thank-you-very-much. It's a constant struggle even when I'm not overwhelmed. But I think it's useful to be able to recognize that it's okay to need, seek, and accept help sometimes, even if it feels a bit "wrong."

I do think your T is trying his best, and I'm glad you feel safe and understood with him. I mentioned the him being overwhelmed thing in part because I absolutely think that's where the "not available 24/7" comment comes from. If you hadn't just asked him for like ongoing unlimited late-night phone contact or whatever, I bet it happened because he feels worried about you, so he blurted that out to reassure himself that he's doing all he can. Meanwhile you're sitting there thinking, "Wtf, dude? I'm not asking for that!"

I wouldn't tolerate being yelled at like that, and I wasn't yelled at as a child, either. But it's disrespectful, rude, unacceptable, etc. And it's concerning that he behaves this way in front of your daughter.

My H and I yell at each other. Usually, it's a build up and I can see it coming. I usually tell him he has an attitude when I see it coming. Sometimes it stops him, sometimes things just escalate. Then I usually yell at him to leave me alone. We got to our separate corners too. We both calm down for about 15mins, and then we talk. It has never been about something serious. Just little things that bug or irritate him. Or he's grumpy from being sick or not getting enough sleep.

I used to not yell. My parents NEVER yelled. In fact, we all knew something was wrong just by the way my dad sighed. I still get triggered by a sigh. My H grew up in an Italian household where yelling and fighting were the norm. So he's had to learn to cool it down with me, and I've had to learn to tolerate it a little.

It's hard. And it is triggering.

Non-yeller here, raised by non-yellers, and married to a non-yeller. We have a strict policy in our house that nobody gets hit and nobody gets yelled at: adult, child, or animal. Yelling doesn't help anything, and it just makes the party with less power feel scared. It's fine to be angry, but you have to learn to express yourself constructively.

Thanks for sharing this--it helps. My H grew up in an Irish household, so...yeah, stereotypical Irish temper (particularly from his father, as H has described it--yet he wouldn't talk about it much in marriage counseling).

I sometimes yell. Not a lot. It can be refreshing to have each of us standing there and yelling at each other - then we come back and talk after getting it out. What I hate is when someone won't yell or talk but just starts crying. To me, that ends the discussion.

If I started crying, I was accused of being a drama-queen or being melodramatic.

Gee, Irish mother, Greek father—you’d think I’d be yelling constantly.

I think it has less to do with national stereotypes and more with either individual personality or how people learn to express themselves best or in the way that’s satisfying to them.