Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

I wanted to see him this week. The thursday slot at 11.40am was always mine when I had twice a week therapy, since school started I've been on one session but I had a more flexible schedules as we're still on study leave. I first said I didn't want the thursday slot just in case the session was too heavy. But he didn't get back to me despite reading the email so I won't turn up.

I know he wouldn't feel the same way about me as he did towards his family and I never said I wanted to replace them. We've talked about his email inconsistencies before and he did start to make more of an effort to acknowledge my emails. But now it's a complete no. I've told him before that it feels like he changes the rules without telling me and just expects me to get with the picture.

It does sound very hard. Are you saving up for anything?

"Dear S,

The Thursday slot is always yours.

Best regards,

R"

Oh good, I'm glad he got back to you and that you can see him tomorrow.

Thank you.

So...if I'm like 99.9% sure we're going to terminate with MC (and H is fully on board with this), and he'd had us schedule an appointment for a month out, which ended up being Feb. 5, to assess how we're doing then...is there a point to waiting that long? Particularly if I (we) don't think he's being that effective at marriage counseling anyway? He'd said before we could ask for an earlier appointment if we wanted. I'm thinking now it might make sense to just see if he could see us in a week or two instead of waiting. I feel like all this is doing is drawing out the ending and sort of postponing my starting the "getting over it" process. Anyone see a good reason *not* to schedule something sooner?

Note that the Feb. 5 thing was MC's idea when I said, last session (last Wed.), "So what do we do now?" So H and I just went with it...

I do think scheduling it out a month or so is a good idea. It gives you time to see how things are going. You really do not have to keep the Feb 5 appointment if you don't want it.

If I were you, I would leave the appointment for now and see how I feel about it as the date grows closer. You might feel differently in couple of weeks.

You both make good points...maybe I'll at least sit on it a couple days, if nothing else. And if we were to schedule sooner, it would likely have to be at least a week out, because of his schedule. So we could always schedule that and ask him to keep the Feb. 5 appt., then cancel one or both (earlier or later one) as we decide.

I love it when my assumptions about my worthlessness/insignificance/not mattering are proved false.

It's hard: the T relationship is not like any other. But for me, at least, it is a "real" relationship. But it doesn't fit into any of the other ways that I think about relationships, so it is hard for me to understand.

Like you, I want to be important but I don't want to replace anyone. I definitely don't want to be married to T1. Not even. I do, kind of, want 24/7 access but I also know that isn't going to happen. It's confusing.

But I am glad that the Thursday is still yours. I hope it goes well.

It is a confusing relationship even after 6+ years. You'd think I'd understand it better by now but nooooo.

(In my best Steve Martin voice)

I don't have enough time this month to keep up with couch. See Artie pout. I am tired! Our team received just under 1200 emails yesterday alone. Not sure how many came in today so far. We're still meeting our required service level, meaning basically that we are kicking butt getting them researched and answered. Not that we've even started on yesterday's yet, but... we're still doing good. Whew.

I remember that Doc John gave me a piece of code to search via google as google archives everything. Its in the tech support forum somewhere i did ask for it to be pinned or i have it written down in a notebook and can give it to you if you like

I don't know what just happened. I feel like my therapist blindsided me today. He started talking about me needing a "program", whatever that's supposed to mean. He says he's not trying to get rid of me, but it sure feels like it. I'm just his job. I feel like a colossal failure right now. I don't know what to think or feel right now.

NP...whaaat? Is he just not able to help you process the trauma you've been through? Could you possibly look for another? If you're attached, I know that can be hard, but maybe see another one in addition, just to find a therapist who doesn't make you feel like you're too much?

Are you liking it better than the phones, though? Or is it just a different kind of stress?

He says he wants to keep seeing me, but that I need more support. Yes, I'm very attached to him. He says it's not a matter of me not trying, but that's what it feels like. He said I'm severely depressed. I countered with the fact that I go to work and shower when necessary. He said people that shower and go to work end up committing suicide. I don't even know what to think right now. I just sent him an email, first one this year.

People who shower and go to work end up committing suicide? Isn't that, like, almost every working age adult?

Or was he meaning that doing those things does not mean you're not at risk? Which makes me wonder...does he have a reason to be concerned about your safety?

when my T brought up needing more support a couple of times throughout our relationship, she said the exact same thing when i told her that i manage to get up every day and go to work. she said "well tons of people go to work and then go kill themselves." WELL THEN, T.

But seriously, i am concerned for you too...and it might not be a bad thing? You've been through an EXTREMELY traumatic event, not to mention the years of abuse. That is a LOT to process, and you may need something more trauma/body-focused. I believe your T that he isn't tryng to get rid of you. <3

For me, continuing to see T1 and adding others over the years has been a good thing. T1 does not have the expertise I need, but I am very attached to him. So I see him twice a week, mostly for support/stability. And then I see (have seen) other(s) who have more specific skills. I have to say this-T1 has been there through thick and thin for me. I've been mad, defensive, guarded, bawling, whining, begging, you name it. And I still see him twice a week. I am grateful for the consistency.

Perhaps you could work something like that out? I have had to convince some of the Ts that this would be a good idea, but I have gotten all 4 to agree.

I needed more support, there are no IOP or PHP things in my area that any of my local providers could recommend for me/my diagnosis. There is nothing wrong with needing more than T can give-if you need it, find it.

Yes, there are reasons to be concerned, but I'm seeing him 3x/week and I'm talking about the suicidal feelings and most importantly I haven't done it yet. I've had plenty of opportunity. I'd think that would count for something.

Much better! Different kind of stress but not so much the bad kind. I have so much more control of my workload. If that makes sense. There's just a lot of it lol!

I wonder if he'll respond to my email.

It’s my experience as a client that functionality and earlier failure to act on suicidal urges count for nothing with therapists. Because just because you haven’t done it doesn’t mean you won’t.

You know best, but I do think you might need more support. Can you add a therapist? Or maybe a group for domestic abuse survivors? Or maybe there’s a local organization that works with survivors?

I doubt he’s trying to get rid of you. Quite the opposite.

I am listening to a Paula Poundstone book on tape while I walk my dogs - I was laughing out loud in the park at her descriptions of therapists. She is not a huge fan.