Couch 160: The Squeaky Clean Couch!

Hmm - From what I have read, it seems like his lateness is more than just recent. It sounds like the crappy appointments or excessive tardiness is occurring because he is not giving enough of a cushion for possible problems or issues to arrive. Sure, there are going to be issues that come up from time to time. I read your post that he's pretty much always late, these recent appointments were in excess of his usual tardiness. And if this is correct, then saying this is not acceptable is very appropriate.

Maybe I misread what you were saying? At which point he would have some validity in that argument. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel whatever you feel because he was not there when he was supposed to be there. Being curious as to why these outlining events has resulted in such intense response for you, would be very helpful.

I never knew it either. I hope you get to rest peacefully tonight.

I dont want to get to know my parts anymore i dont care if ifs says all parts are welcome.

I was not aware either about the nightmare thing.

(((BCM)))

I'm wallowing in grief tonight, and my back has been hurting more than usual so I can't sleep. Face a brand new day in less than 6 hours so I better get some kind of rest right now. Good night couch!

I hope you can sleep i have bad back too i know what it like to not get comfortable sleep as well as you can

I seem to have lost the ability to puncutuate. <----- a full stop

sM -i hope you get some sleep tonight.

I hope you got some rest Stressed.

Wishing you a swift healing!

My D is 17 and next month is flying to a uni 2000 kms away. Neither my ex or i can afford to fly down with her and help her settle in and sort things out. I feel guilty and keep trying to rearrange my budget to do this. I really wishi could go i dont know what i want here but i am just sharing my frustration i suppose. I hope she will be ok she is really resourceful but does suffer from depression, i worry she will flounder without a support system, my ex inlaws have arranged someone they know to check in with her and shenis staying in student accomodation and will make friends easily i hope.

I dont understand the archiving on here i went to the romantic feelings forum to find the thread where i blurted everything out and its only 2 pages long. Doc john once told me they archive after 4 years.

It sucks that you can't fly. 2000kms away is a long distance. It's not your fault though that you can't afford it... And the fact that you feel so frustrated about it / try to rearrange your budget shows how much you care

I think it's good that someone will check in with her from time to time. Oh, have you considered checking in with her over skype or something from time to time?

It feels like I'm losing R and this will be the beginning of the end.

I stated talking about the poster he has on his wall and I'd figured out where it was from (a psychoanalytic seminar he wrote on his website about attending as the year matched).

He said that I studied what he did very closely. Then I said stupid things like the website changes didn't show the real him and that I liked his jumper.

R: What's it about- what's been happening between me and you?

I said I didn't feel connected to him then at the weekend all I wanted was him. I hated the way I felt about him.

R: How did I account for what happened at the weekend?

That all I wanted was him to tell me that stupid line about him being there for me.

R: All of these thoughts you've shared is that you do have awareness of what you're doing, and also of what I might be doing. The idea of him doing something else was unbearable. This weekend I felt justified in contacting him again and again. I said I wanted to call but didn't because that would have felt too intrusive with an email it was his choice if he checked it as he could pretend he hadn't seen it.

He thought what he said wasn't important. What mattered was that I was finding a way into his space. His time. I was angry last week because he didn't put a plan in place. It was something he offered to do.

I told him I was aware that I wanted to screw things up with him.

R:That i felt unsupported. I need a plan and he could then understand why I would think I wouldn't let him get away with it. Part of me wanted to interrupt what he was doing. The part of me I usually kept under wraps I allowed to emerge because I felt justified, because of his lapse his apparent carelessness.

I told him that I just didn't want to be work. Something he didn't look forward to. "oh great her again".

That was the secondary response the shame, guilt desire to make amends. But he was trying to get to the first response. My hostility towards him.

Me: Was I deliberately trying to **** things up?

R: Yes- there's a part of you that deliberately wants to push me to my limits to see whether he survived.

I commented about the article I read about treating BPD patients.

R: So were you testing me?

S:I don't feel like I was, before I'd cry that I wanted my mother now all I did was say I wanted you. I wanted you.If I Wanted to test him he hadn't seen anything yet. This was nothing.

R:The more I tested him the riskier it became for me.

S: I feel like I don't really trust you. I know I've been talking to you for a year.

R: You don't trust anyone or is there something specific about me.

S:I don't trust you not to say at 18 months bye S- I don't want to see you anymore because I don't change. All I did was cry. Didn't he get bored of me? I was always angry about something.

R: So we were in this weird kind of space where he said he would be there for me as long as I needed him and that was reassuring to me and now I was in a position of testing that. Does he mean it can he be relied upon? Yet if he tolerated this was he sending the message to say it was okay to treat people like this?

S:Treat people like what? I tell you that I hate you but I wouldn't normally do that to anyone. That he would leave me when he found out what I really was like.

R: I think you have a fear of this deep dark inner self that once it gets out it's completely out of control.

S: I ruin things.

I told him I found his tripadvisor account, gone through his wifes photos on facebook,see his brothers and his wifes instgram. He laughed at the last one and asked what she had posted.

R:So you know where I've been on holiday? (I hadn't seen the updates and had last check months ago). So you said you invaded my privacy.

S:I think this is something you could get angry at me, but I haven't told you for a long time.

R:Why are you telling me now?

S: Because I want you to get angry at me and tell me to **** off. Because I'm doing something wrong.

R:When I talk about your behavior can you see that there's something here? A little bit extreme?

S; I just want to know who are you?

R: There's an imbalance between us.

S: You don't need me. I hate feeling so weak. I want you. I want you. I want you that's it. All of this hurts so ****ing much. More crying.

R: Does it seem to you that I am perfect?
S: I know you're not.
R: Do you feel like if you attach yourself to me your lot will improve.
S: I don't feel like you can save me. Maybe I'm just a parasite
R: So when you're looking at photos of me and my family
S : I wish I was apart of it.
R: That's what I thought. And when your looking at photos of me it's not always fatherly is it?
S:I'm not answering that.
R:It feels shameful to have sexual feelings.

I changed the topic about my exam and trying to study when spaced out. I couldn't focus I was all over the place.

So I found relief by focusing on him.

I thought I could really hurt myself or email you.

R:You have this desire to be apart of my life. I think you think being apart of my life everything would be okay, but to be a part of my life you'd have to destroy my life as it is.You'd have to dislodge my wife.

S: I just want to be looked after

R: Dislodge my daughter. You have to dislodge somebody.
S: I want what I can not have
R: And you feel shame and guilt for having these feelings that would bring about destruction. For me creativity is mixed with destruction.

Anger towards him existed because he put me in a position of dependency then withdrew his support. He had fun, he has other people in my life other than me.

S: I'm not asking to be the center of your universe.

R: In the past you have made comments about rescheduling other clients.

S: I want you to pick me to choose me.

Towards the end I was crying and saying I couldn't deal with anything that I was fake, that I felt temporary and he would replace me with someone better. Didn't he get frustrated with me- I wasn't going to magically turn around and be doing rainbow somersaults- I was a miserable ****.

"I don't know why you find it so hard to hope. So hard that you can't even bear for me to keep hold of it. That you need to smash any hope that I may have like it's an insult to you."

He got a notification on his phone which I didn't really notice that his next client was about to come. "I'm going to replace you in 10 minutes time".

"It's fine. Have fun. Well maybe I'll put on a show and maybe i did contact your replacement and maybe I did tell him that I wanted to **** you and you know maybe I do go crying in front of him and make him feel all sorry for me as well because I like the attention."

R: I've made you jealous I'm sorry just trying to give you an explanation for why there's a notification coming up as this is not a regular session time for us."

Me: "Our time is up anyway."

I ran out of time to ask if I could have my thursday slot or if he had any Wednesday ones free as I said I didn't want previously that as it's the day before my exam, but I feel like I just need to talk. So I emailed. I track my emails now so I know he opened it twice but nothing.

I don't email all the time, but I feel like I need out of session contact. He used to previously acknowledge my emails but I don't feel like he's willing to compromise now. I won't email him again.

Yes i am going to suggest skype thanks Demunie.

Hugs... Sounds like you had a really rough session there. You sound angry. It's ok to be angry you know. Your T seems to be able to handle it.
Why do you think it is that you don't really "trust" him?

I don't like his comment in the end, that he's gonna replace you in 10minutes... that's just rude. I'd be extremly hurt by that.

You were very honest with him - and with yourself. I admire that.

His talk of "displacing" is odd. That's his problem, not yours.

Maybe you could pack a small box for her in her suitcase to open when she arrives like a letter and photos, her favorite chocolate bar, fuzzy socks or something else she likes telling her how proud you are of her, so you would be "there" with her.

The idea is stolen from a depression charity that sells boxes with something different each month with the theme always being pick me ups and postcards.

A Uk website but it could give you some ideas:

https://www.blurtitout.org/buddybox/

Oh lemoncake that is brilliant, she will need fuzzy socks being a tropical baby,. Thank you
And good luck with your t.

I'm not angry just feeling rather down- and I feeling like I will mess up my exam but I can't push myself anymore.

Maybe I'm just bitter but I've had so many people mistreat like it was all nothing. The grandfather who assaulted me when I was 9. The mother who would beat my brother and me. The father who I loved the most who hurt me the most. If my own family couldn't love me and to be there for me- why would he be any different?

Nobody was there for me when I was 14 and bullied and these were kids I'd literally grown up with from the age of 7. The psychology teacher who made me feel special for a while dropped me after telling me she'd be there "if I ever needed to talk". The recent ex best friend drama. The boy who broke my heart after cutting all contact with me and leaving a week after saying he wouldn't.

All of them took something out from me.

Current song for the moment:

The judicious use of alcohol (for medicinal purposes of course!) allowed me to relax enough to fall asleep. Some kind of rest is better than nothing. I'm going to power through this day and have a real bedtime tonight.

I hope my couchies have a great day, hugs for those who need one.

I've done a recent search to see past threads started by me (under my username and Statistics), and all of my threads from Romantic Feelings still showed up from early 2015, even though they don't show up if you scroll through the forum. I also had noticed that a month ago and wondered where they'd gone. So they're still out there somewhere, I guess (archived maybe?) I think it could be especially helpful to leave up posts on that subforum for people struggling with that...

Hugs, Lemon...that sounds like a really difficult, painful session. I was also struck by his saying that to be a part of his life, you'd have to displace his wife and daughter...it almost sounds like he's saying you'd have to destroy his life. When you likely just want to be a part of it. I know that's how I used to feel with MC--not like I wanted to get rid of anyone, just be a part of it.

So is it next week that you're trying to see him again or this week? Hope you hear back soon--he could just be trying to figure out his schedule.

Hey couchies. Sending hugs/headnods and support all around. These 10 hour work days are wiping me out... I'm too old for this **** lol... 2 more after today then I get Saturday off then back at it Sunday. I like the paychecks, but.... Yawn I don't like working 6 am to 5 pm.