Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Dear T,
I want to e-mail you and say, "I went to a yoga class today like I said I would! And got through the whole thing! And maybe I'll go to one Friday and/or Sunday, too." But I won't. I'll just tell you Tuesday.
--LT

Please just tell me to get lost I know you want to.

I'm going to challenge you on this.
This is what you think and fear that he wants. It is not something you know he wants.
Only he knows what is in his head. And, all of his past behavior has indicated that for you to "get lost" is not what he wants.

Thank you. I get sucked in this hole sometimes...

I know. I do too. So feel free to challenge me when I say the same exact thing tomorrow

C,

I didn't say it, and I probably won't tomorrow, but when you said you planned to pick up the email thread with me again today and then basically gave a brief response and said you didn't have the focus to respond to the rest, I have to admit that I felt bad -- like I was too much for you. And, like I finally reached "annoying," which you WANT me to do, but I don't want to do. And, I only even continued the emails because you kept asking questions, and any time I don't respond, you tell me the next time you see me that you were worried.

I know you said to please tell you anything I wanted you to respond to, but I don't feel like I can do that. My instinct when you say you don't have focus to respond to what I said is to shut up and go away.

In any case, it hurts, I'm said, and I feel like I was bad.

T,
Thanks for such a good session. I will continue to search for "clues" if there are any. I appreciate you. I hope I will be able to keep you in a positive light until next session. But with me, one can never tell.

Sometimes I feel like the worst creature on Earth. And sometimes I don't.

tmc, possibly...probably...your t meant you deserve a focused thoughtful response, and he wanted to make sure to give you his best.

Also, I loved your response above to jDNA.
I would guess, from what you’ve posted about your t, that your t would rather you speak up than shut up. Hugs.

T.
None of that felt real at all today. I don't know what the heck happened. I don't know why I allow myself to exist.

Hi R,

I know it shouldn't be this way, but you were on my mind last night. I hope everything is OK. I could really do with your steadying hand at the moment, but you know that. The 'significance' of this period is not lost on you, I am sure. Unfortunately, it is all too real for me right now.

Please be safe, please come back soon.

Dear T

I'm afraid you've enough of me.




PrevT,

I miss you. I shouldn't. I miss how things used to be. But they can't go back. Too much has happen.

Dear T:

Two things I'd like to tell you:

1. Please, oh PLEASE, quit fidgeting. Is there somewhere else you'd rather be?

2. PLEASE quit greeting me by saying how FABULOUS I look, how much BETTER I'm getting every week. Your perky attitude makes me think I have to prove how I'm struggling. Try for once to give me a neutral greeting so that I can share with you how I'm REALLY feeling instead of having to exaggerate.

Well that was ****ing awful. I wanted you to make things better and you didn't. I wanted you to say that if I had sent the email it would have been ok with you. I don't think I trust you anymore, I realise you have to think about making sure my child is safe but the way you said it made me feel like you think I'm an unfit mother, I would never ever go near those pills if he was here...never. I hate myself so much for that session, I hate how shut down I was, I could hardly walk home, my feet felt like lead. And now I have to wait a week. I'm so stupid.

For f***'s sake. I miss you. Uggghhhhhh.

Last night I thought a lot about going back to T(wat). Not in an 'actually-going-to-do-it' way... Just... Thinking. Imagining. I've been thinking about him quite a lot again. I guess it's because you're away?

Ugh. I dunno.

Everything is hard. I have mobilised all of the support systems I can...but none of them offer what you do. I feel like telling everyone I have attempted to talk with 'You really don't need to fix this....you can't.'

Just be with me, whilst I work my way through...is that so hard?

This feels like square one. I know it can't be helped, but bloody hell....

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about you today. It's just because it's Thursday.

Oops, another lie...

T,
I am trying so hard and things are so difficult. I had a few people negatively impact me emotion-wise today. I am not blaming them. It makes me feel so vulnerable, and then I get angry. I am angry because I am sick to death of other people having the power to make me feel horrible. And yet I am so sensitive to others that I don't see a way out. I wonder what it would feel like to have somebody say something negative to me, and me react with a who cares attitude, or better yet me have no reaction whatsoever. I feel like day after day after hour after hour that I am engaged in tolerating the resulting ****ing emotions elicited by others. Again, I get that my sensitivity is the culprit. Can't I catch a break?

And today coming home from work, I kept thinking about how I don't have a session next week and it felt/feels horrible not to be able to process things with you. What would it be like to be okay missing a session knowing that I will see you the next week? What would it be like for me actually to completely enjoy myself when not in session while still being attached to you? Where did the strong me go, the me who was able not to text you and was still attached to you and it was ok? Where is that me?? Can I get her back?

I feel like a moving target and at the mercy of others at work. It is a sad situation. And I am doing my best. I sometimes wish I could just order a stylish suit of armor and be done with it. But alas', I am still me.

****I hate admitting all of this.

I miss you, I hate being back to weekly, but I'm glad we can still text tomorrow. I just want to be with you though, it's the only time I feel not worthless

((Luco))

Beavers,

Thank you for that. Really.

Argo,

I feel like I've tried to be super patient and understanding about the foot-in-mouth stuff, but god, you just keep doing it over and over. And it's not just in email - it's just all the time. I feel like that kind, safe person I was growing so attached to and who was becoming such a safe person to me was never real. I must've imagined it.

I feel like an idiot for telling you about the medication thing today. Maybe you didn't realize how big of a deal it was for me; that's fair - I approached it with sarcasm. But it IS a big, huge deal, and you left me feeling like you didn't care and I was on my own.

Hi Dr. S,

It was hard today and is still hard tonight. Things feel so ok with you even when I am mad or frustrated with you, I still end up feeling the love for you.

5 sleeps way too long.

love,
me

I really do not want to do this next few days without you. I cannot be witnessed in the usual way by the other people around me. I know it is just a day, but it is a day of epic proportions, and I still can't decide whether I want to cancel everything and just hide, or fill it up and power through...and damn the consequences.

This is ****ing agonising. I know you know...but I am not sure whether you do. I know you are sorry, but this is really hard, whichever way you slice it.

oh.. and don't reply to me tonight even though I'm on the 5 min refresh my email pattern. I'd rather get your reply tomorrow, maybe even latish tomorrow to help me more through the gap of the weekend.