Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I need u to kill me

Hi T,

I don't like those emotions. Make them go away again. Please.

Hey look T. I haven't been on here much because the missing you hasn't been so intense. Maybe it's because I'm back in routine and have been keeping myself busy. Who knows. Just want to check in here and say I do miss you and I love you, but that I'm okay with that.

I saw you sent me a reply. I'm a bit anxious to read it. I'll read it later. After this things I have to do.
I'm so tired. I on't know what to do. I just want to hide in my bed.

I ****ing hate you
I ****ing hate myself

I'm old news to you . After 7 years I mean nothing . You have new interesting people to care about . I'm just a piece of garbage you have to talk to for 1 hour a week. I'm so jealous. I'm so hurt. I'm so angry. I'm so obsessed. I would rather die than live another day in this torture

You're not invited to my funeral

I know I can tell you anything, but the real reason I cancelled our session yesterday was because I was too tired to shower & my legs hurt so much. I didn’t want you to see me in this state. I am really struggling with this chronic fatigue & it’s destroying me day by day.

Thank you for texting with me today, I am so glad to see that nothing has really changed, and I didn't ruin everything. I can still trust you and you do still care.... it sucks it was cut a bit short but that's ok. See you in a few days

More silence/lack of a response. It happens daily. Am I just hyperaware of this? I feel like an idiot, like, who does this? I'm an alien.

I have plenty of practice tolerating this, and now with you. I would think that I would have been desensitized already due to the frequency of awkward moments that happen at work. It hasn't gone away. And then. . .the anger. I feel like isolating myself because that feels powerful to me. I like being in control of myself.

Is there another way to tackle this problem that doesn't shake me to the core like your silence? I like myself best when I stay hidden. I have a lot of difficulty trusting people. I think I trust you, though. Not sure if you've noticed, but I tend to assign a positive meaning to things you do, if this makes sense. It just happens, it is just a part of me.

I am experiencing anger at work. I was thinking about it this morning and I actually FELT angry. When you told me that I had said that I didn't know if I was really angry or I just thought I was. You said that didn't make sense? But it does make complete sense. During my depersonalization/derealization episode when I was questioning everything I thought/felt. I didn't have access to feel my anger, but I remembered thinking I was angry intellectually. This happens more than I would like it to happen. I make sense. It is difficult to explain what it is like to not remember feeling an emotion. It just happens.

****** I love you so much. Stop being so perfect. It kills me.

Why did you go silent when I needed you?
I can't do this

I adore you.

T,
I miss you a lot but at the same time I don't? I don't know how to explain. Each night I imagine myself recounting my day to you, but then I write it all down in my journal, and it's okay. I don't miss you so much that it's painful. Just a little bit.
Hope you're well.
Annie

Dear T,

Please write back with anything.

you know (i will never tell you this), sometimes the only way i can get through a weekend is knowing i will see you on monday evening.

I bet if anyone else had called you and left a voicemail you would have responded by now. But because it's me, the piece of ****, I get ignored

Cool

don’t let those nasty voices win, DNA. he cares.

I'm in hell

Dear MC,
See you Friday. Hopefully this wasn't a horrible mistake. But I just don't see the point in waiting to discuss some of this stuff... (Besides, you were the one to suggest a month...which ended up being a month and a week because of the conference. I wasn't expecting you to say that, so I was just sorta like, "Uh, OK" because we were already over time...)
LT

Dear Dr. S,

Thinking of you. The love for you is very strong today, but then it is very strong for everyone today. I hope you are having a good and refreshing weekend; that your trip is safe; and that you stay well. 3 more sleeps, we can do 3 more sleeps.

love,
me

so very much pondering the stuff we talked about on 1/4. bought another book i've been reading about that general subject. interestingly, something seems to be shifting inside me again. The wanting to experience, to understand, to know... my path... you're on yours and it's right for you but it's not necessarily mine and maybe they're similar and maybe they're not but this... this... this, it's happening deep within me, and I have to face it alone for a while.

I love u and I love the voices and I love me and my life and everything is so perfect

hey t. i may have re-read your e-mails (especially the one from tues) a LOT this week to get me through. thank you for being awesome. <3

t, i think it's like this when i am there and about to tell you something and i say "don't laugh at me" or "don't be mad at me" that's from Ego right, my need to control how you react, or h, or son, or whoever... and and and at work that one gal that sits behind me that is so loud i get angry inside myself at her and sigh really loudly (passive-aggressive much Art?) and that's coming from Ego too, like it's all about me and nothing about her, and as I've been contemplating all of this the past several days I've noticed a difference in my reactions, like since i'm focusing on how i react, it's like i've been instead moving myself to react from my compassionate self instead, and and and suddenly all her boisterous talking and too-loud laughter started to sound like they are coming from a very lonely person, who doesn't have anyone to go home and talk to, who doesn't have a "you", and so she has to talk to everyone at work and be boisterous in an attempt to feel better about her situation and do you know what t, i haven't worn my noise-canceling headphones at work in at least 3 days. She's just not bothering me anymore.

i don't think this would have happened if i hadn't come on 1/4 and given you the opportunity to demonstrate, when you let what i wanted matter, and didn't ask about scheduling, and how that one little act was actually so big that the next night when i was thinking about it and realizing it i felt something deep inside me mending. physically felt it.

i am on my knees and humbled at the realization of how very far I am from the person that I want to be. i love you and i really wish you were reading this.