Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

RaineD · Jan 13, 2018, 11:30 PM

I'm mad at you again, and you didn't even do anything. I'm so sorry.

I still love you though.

velcro003 · Jan 14, 2018, 12:18 AM

Hi T. What to do with exhaustion + restlessness? It is a terrible feeling. I lie on the couch, body exhausted, and yet feel so restless. What do I do, drink of course! This will not surprise you. How long can one hold on before letting the guilt of hurting others go?

Elio · Jan 14, 2018, 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

i don't think this would have happened if i hadn't come on 1/4 and given you the opportunity to demonstrate, when you let what i wanted matter, and didn't ask about scheduling, and how that one little act was actually so big that the next night when i was thinking about it and realizing it i felt something deep inside me mending. physically felt it.

Isn't it amazing when one of these things happen and you do feel something mending; how little acts just click inside, lay down new tracks of memories. I'm glad you were able to feel it.

Lemoncake · Jan 14, 2018, 03:38 AM

I love you.

Pain94 · Jan 14, 2018, 05:46 AM

When are you going to say I'm too much too? Please if you think that just rip the band aide off so I can go thru fearing the next one will leave. No you dont say it dont even act like it. But I saw that client freak out on you. I know you dont see them anymore. Ive never seen someone yell at you like that. You just sighed smiled and brought me back and watched her and what I assumed was teen reluctant to see a shrink storm out and slam the door so hard it popped back open. I know you patiently reassure me thats it ok to need you. But if I get to much? You prodeed til I told you now what?

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 14, 2018, 11:15 AM

Ouch....

I am safe, but not in a good way at the moment. The timing of whatever is going on for you could not be worse. Our next session, whenever it may be, will be challenging in many ways. I don't know whether you want me to be honest or not...

DP_2017 · Jan 14, 2018, 11:20 AM

I hate that I have limits with you, I just wanna spend time with you, and laugh and have fun. I miss you right now, Tuesday is too far away

toomanycats · Jan 14, 2018, 01:43 PM

Thank you for staying in this with me until coming out on the other side. I want to be able to embrace what you offer with all the gratitude I can muster. But S left me afraid to embrace or really accept - and the part that is so desperate for it is shoved so far back and kept on such a short leash... And I'm afraid you will take it away if I don't rush forward and heap on gratitude.

junkDNA · Jan 14, 2018, 03:34 PM

Why do u do this to me

velcro003 · Jan 14, 2018, 04:12 PM

what's going on DNA?

Hey T--i am going to try and write out this nightmare in here so i can remember as many of the details for session tomorrow. it was a doozy, and i've never been in so much pain from clenching my teeth. ugh.

Possible trigger:

it started off like a movie, where harvey weinstein won some award for whatever he does (directs?), and the entire audience stayed silent and didn't clap for him, you know bc he's a creep. then it turned into drew's home, and she is terrified beyond belief because he has been raping her for years. he somehow comes up through this trap door in her floor in her bedroom and takes her to his house. at some point,this becomes me. i live in constant fear. i have a younger sister, who i find out years later was also abused by him. this goes on for a long time until he gets caught and arrested. time goes forward, and i leave for college, and am ready to leave this town and never come back. i don't make it very long in college, because i am constantly triggered as i have only shoved all the abuse to the back of my brain. i can't function at school, and go to this live in rehab place specifically for sexually abused kids. i stay there for years, and at first it is awful and i am angry and violent and don't want to be there or deal with what happened to me. eventually it gets better, and i get stronger and become sort of a leader within the community. then one day my sister shows up, even angrier and more violent than i was when i showed up. it takes her a long time too, but she does come around, and we have a close relationship again.

i cannn''ttt wait to see what you will make of this.

Jan 14, 2018, 04:19 PM

I feel really restless, like I've got a burning energy inside; it feels focused on you. Thoughts and feelings about you. I'm also exhausted. Maybe I'll dream of you.

junkDNA · Jan 14, 2018, 04:45 PM

The nothing song

Jan 14, 2018, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

Isn't it amazing when one of these things happen and you do feel something mending; how little acts just click inside, lay down new tracks of memories. I'm glad you were able to feel it.

Thanks Elio. I think that's exactly what it did, too.... laid down new tracks of memories. This is good stuff (when I'm not too stubborn to let it be!)

toomanycats · Jan 14, 2018, 07:53 PM

I did something scary tonight and was only able to because of what you've taught me. I hope you'll be proud of me tomorrow when I tell you.

Jan 14, 2018, 08:05 PM

Regret is such a stupid and annoying thing.

Fernwehxx · Jan 14, 2018, 08:48 PM

I'll ask you for sth next session. It scares the hell outta me.
Then, ill talk about something that ive been too ashamed to tell anyone else.
I can't wait to see you, but im also scared shirtless..,

LonesomeTonight · Jan 14, 2018, 09:23 PM

Dear MC,
I'm less sure about the rest of your e-mail, but the line, "I would like to help you to work this through" means a lot to me. It suggests that I'm important to you, that you care about the ending between us, that you want to make things right, too... So, I hope you can in fact help me...that you're willing to give me at least part of what I need to make this a good ending...
LT

captgut · Jan 14, 2018, 11:14 PM

I'm really sorry, you have every right to hate me.

Jan 15, 2018, 08:29 AM

t, remembering something you said on jan 4. about whatever this this is. you said i can't say no. that if i say no i'll get sick or something. sometimes when you say things like that i wonder if you really know me at all. because if you did, you wouldn't have felt the need to say that at all. it's just, it's just, ah t. can't you see? i have to walk this bit alone.

junkDNA · Jan 15, 2018, 08:47 AM

Please be gentle with me on Wednesday

If I even decide to show my face there

Jan 15, 2018, 09:59 AM

Gah I just want to email you about this stressful thing but I know you're not the appropriate person to email. The appropriate person isn't as comforting as you. I wish you were in that role for me too.

Jan 15, 2018, 11:42 AM

Will I always suddenly lose my ability to adult and want to run to you? Will that ever change?

junkDNA · Jan 15, 2018, 01:11 PM

I don't know if I should tell u about the SH

Elio · Jan 15, 2018, 01:20 PM

Dear Dr. S,
Rough early morning for me. 1 more sleep. Gonna miss you, other than that - I'm hanging in there.

Can't wait to see you.

Love you,
me

toomanycats · Jan 15, 2018, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

Will I always suddenly lose my ability to adult and want to run to you? Will that ever change?

In my experience, the next step is that you'll 'hear' your T inside yourself and you will do the adulting thing and then kind of panic and be like "omg I did the thing! I need T!" but you'll have done it, and you'll also know that T will be proud, and that'll warm you and make you a bit proud too.

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Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

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