Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

New Dear T.

Have something you want to tell your T but can't? Post it here.
Have something you wish you could say to your T but aren't sure if you should or how? Post it here.

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small - feel free to post it here.

Getting it started... even though I tell you all the time, it seems.

I love you

Nervous about tonight, I hope things are not different, I can't handle that much change right now

Feeling really scared of so many things now that I quit taking Meds. Scared you will leave me (always). Scared you will be mad at me because I need you.

I feel like we're seeing each other less, T. Usually, we have 2-3 days between sessions, but somehow, we've got on a 3-4 day schedule... I guess in part because of the snow and MLK Jr. holiday. Four days feels like a long time.

Dear T,

I'm sorry I sent you an email one day before our session, but this medical stuff sucks!!! I want to spend tomorrow on boundaries and our relationship -- I'm proud of myself I didn't email you any of my feelings and questions! I am afraid of another MRI because what if I get cramps and now I have allergies or maybe a cold. I didn't sign "love" but I hope you will.

Love,
Rainbow

thank you thank you thank you for the awesome responses to my emails. I feel a little better now.

Full body bristling. This is going to be hard, even with external support, because they are not you.

Less than 12 hours to go

Dear T,
That may not have been what I'd expected to talk about when I came in today (at least not the second half), but it was helpful all the same...And maybe it was good we didn't really talk about MC (except for my offhanded negative comments regarding how he would have handled the fight with H...) I appreciate your comment that "no one likes to be yelled at." It sounds like such an obvious thing, but it seemed like you understood. (And didn't insist that getting yelled at is normal and OK, because you yell at people all the time, so it's on me to deal with it.)
Thanks,
LT

Dear MC,
I realized when talking about you today, I was talking about you in the past tense. Like you were a former T (not someone I'm seeing in 4 week), or perhaps dead. Maybe that shows where your place is right now in my mind? And I was thinking about how you would have reacted to a scenario I brought up to T that happened with H--and how unhelpful your reaction would have been. Is this just my coming to grips with reality about you? How unhelpful you often were? And maybe how the part that was super caring and supportive and accepting just feels gone to me? Almost, dare I say, dead to me?
LT

Thank you for your extensive email exchanges today.

Um, but... P.S.,

I feel vulnerable. And I need/want you.

Dear T,
Looking over my journal entries re: MC that I was going to share with you...I think maybe I know why I was so nervous and was OK with holding the topic for another week--I didn't want to talk about the teacher stuff. It might have been too triggering...I know we addressed it a bit before, but to discuss more, especially as it relates to MC. Maybe I'll be ready next week?
LT

I don't know...
You want me to go IP. But I don't think I'm "ill" or anything. I'm who I am, but I don't know who I am
I love you

eta: "Am I able to help you?", "I'm afraid I'm not helping", wtf? Do you want to terminate? Please don't

capt, it's good to see you. Been worried some. Maybe if your T things IP would be good for you, maybe it would? I don't know what it is like there, in your country. Still, I've seen you say you love as above, but also that you trust your T. Maybe worth giving it a shot. I know here at some IP locations if you are voluntarily admitted, you can check yourself out as long as you pass the no harm to others or to self criteria; even then to get it converted to an involuntary hold, the hospital has to go through lots of hoops. Take care of you.

Capt...also good to "hear" from you. I agree with your T, and Elio. Maybe you can just try it and see how it goes?

Thank you Elio and velcro... Sorry if I made you worry

I have no idea how to tell my parents. They are very... "psychophobic".

M.

I was really nervous when you started talking about the length of time I have been meeting with you and the progress I’ve made.

I was actually holding my breath and silently deep breathing.

It was scary.

I was afraid you were going to tell me something bad.

I know that you are who you are and I am just a client.

It’s ok internally for me and I do understand that.

Being able to be real with you, well mostly real when I don’t blend with another part of me, is helping me learn to be “me”.

I know it’s taken a long time. I guess I’m a screwed up mess, but I sure do feel better than when we began.

I’m embarrassed to think of the times that I emailed you after every session. Well, there ya go, that’s the swirling words out in the time out boat.

Anyway!!

Thank you for your compliment and encouragement of the progress I’ve made, after I took a breathe.

Just saying.

T,
are we really meeting tomorrow? really? are you sure? did i really make it through 27 days already? probably helped that i was so ill through most of it i would have struggled to come to sessions anyway (especially when i lost my voice for a week!).

and the little bit of email contact we had helped too. and the lovely text pic you sent.

we ended so badly last year and i'm still annoyed you could just go away for so long. and that all of this relationship stuff is so hard and painful and personal for me, and so kind of ordinary and professional for you. ugh.

i'm glad i emailed you again today to 'break the ice' in the hopes i don't freeze up as soon as i walk in the door tomorrow. and even though i know you say 'looking forward to seeing you tomorrow' to all your clients, the answer to the question i sent back was just for me and it helped some.

see you tomorrow!

T, that one part was so close to cancelling all sessions with you after last week. We were able to get her to hold off and wait. Not only did she not cancel she has even been thinking about going in to see you. That's something new. She doesn't know how to though. She's embarrassed. She's ashamed. And at the slightest awareness of who she is I think she would disappear in an instant.
But still, that's progress right?
I am glad we can still come and see you tomorrow even though I have no idea who will walk in to see you.

Hugs. I hear you. Mine are too.

Caveat: I've never gone IP.

There's no guarantee they'll be supportive if you go IP. I've seen and heard parents be horrible to their teenage / adult kids seeing therapists or after they attempt sui and go IP.

YET! IP may be a way for you to get some breathing space from your toxic environment. A lot of mental illness is caused by a bad environment because of the chronic stress of that environment. You're not ill because of flaws in you, you're having issues due to your environment being unhealthy since you were very young. In my country, we get a lot of haze during haze season. In it, even healthy individuals can get coughs, breathing issues due to the sheer pollution.

If you have to, please go IP. Stay with us. You matter, you really do. Give IP a shot if you have to. *hugs*

I'm so glad things are still ok with us. I was so so scared. You made me feel relaxed right away. Thank you

That was a good session I thought. I know I said some things that might have felt a little uncomfortable for you, but hey that's what I'm paying you for. Thanks for being okay with me saying anything, even when it pushes you out of your comfort zone.

Hi R,

I wish you could tell me what to do with regard to Monday. People are telling me to keep busy, but with a high possibility of internal thunderstorms, which will spill out into harsh words...I just want to hide. Is that so bad?

Had a conversation with a friend today, and couldn't actually spill about any of the details, because I felt myself falling.

Said friend has a psychology background, so she was helpful.



Hoping against hope that I will see you soon...if only to say '****, that was hard. Please don't do that to me again.'