Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Art - I am not sure you have correctly interpreted what the therapist meant.

I'm sure I didn't. I'm just not thinking straight..... a brisk walk helped a lot this morning.

I'm scared to come in today

Thanks for being honest with me yesterday. I have mixed feelings about it all and feel a little unstable right now. I got some crappy news and had the PDoc appointment today, so it was all a bit much.
But: It was nice seeing you today in the waiting room! Thanks for turning around and giving me that encouraging smile. It felt like you really cared. And that means a lot. <3

Please don't let me leave a session in that state again
I didn't feel safe
I still don't
I'm not really here
Do you care?

Prepare yourself.... I feel like Im drowning and there will be some thrashing about with you in three hours... or I may just go limp and silent...

todays word: attuned.....

please be attuned...

Dear T,
It was a Swedish (or French) folktale about the three wishes and sausages--I knew it wasn't just on Sesame Street! And we were both correct about our definitions of "conciliatory." Haven't attempted to look up the third thing yet...
Hope to see you Tuesday,
LT

I meant to say "it's chaos in my head, and you are my mediator."

I didn't want to go home, you know that.

I'm scared.

I hope we can do 2x a week during EMDR

You said yes it makes sense to do so. Just hope you have the time

RoboT,

I let my music go on random today and heard this song, "House of Memories" and thought of you. I've been thinking about you a lot recently, and that's okay. I'll be okay.

"I think of you from time to time
More than I thought I would
You were just too kind
And I was too young to know
That's all that really matters
I was a fool..."

I wish I had something to tell you, that I somehow need your help now, that I have an overbearing problem and I need your help solving it immediately. But I don't. I just wish I could somehow connect with you just because I feel that I want to.

I told work I'm working from home tomorrow bc of a stomach bug/food poisoning, but really, my stomach is just in horrendous, painful knots from this stress. I can't eat. I'll puke. I'm going to puke anyways. I can't handle this. I just can't. I can't.
But running to you won't fix it. Won't make it all stop.
So I won't. It feels hopeless.

I can't do this. I can't.

I am not doing well. It's not that I'm scared of losing it, I already feel like it's gone. I don't feel it.

Hey, I guess I'm doing better than before because now I can fake it with people. Is that progress?

Just hold me.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! I never thought that therapy could end so poorly. You were so incredibly unprofessional by humiliating and shaming me. You didn't mince words and were so hurtful! I will never forgive you and never want to see you again. And NO, I don't want to see you to talk about this! F*** Off! What goes around comes around....

You don't like me. You don't tease me. You don't see any endearing or good qualities in me.

I cant decide if this is the end....

M.

I had a lot of time with my journal today.

I journaled myself into a not so good place. I don’t know how to stop that before it happens.

Autonomy.

That’s the word and it’s opening a bunch of doors that I don’t know what to do with.

Guilt is the major issue.

That opened other doors.

As crazy as it sounds, I’m thankful for it. It’s seeing new things as they are.

Right?

(((Dottie)))

Full body bristling. Just because I know where I'm going to begin doesn't mean I know how it will end.

See you soon...four more sleeps.

I felt so good after I saw you yesterday but most of it has faded already to be replaced by terrible shame. I don't like how nice you are to me. I can't take it.

I want to email you and ask if everything is okay. I know it is but I don't feel like it is. How could it be, I'm a ridiculous stupid childish person.

Luc you're not stupid and most of us are children at heart.

Uuuggghhhhhhh

Sorry you're dealing with these feelings. I know what you mean about the "why are you being so nice to me?" thing. I keep wanting to ask new T that. And why is he being so caring? Isn't he scared I'll get attached like I did to MC?

(((luco)))

(((JD)))