How do you know if you have a codependent relationship with your therapist?

How do you know if you have a codependent relationship with your therapist?

I think I’ve been seeing my therapist for about a year. He does med management so the sessions are typically about 15 to 30 minutes. I think the last time I saw him we talked for almost 2 hours. When we left everybody else had already gone home. We talk a lot about personal things too. Like I’ve learned a lot of things that he likes and we’ve shared suggestions for movies or books. I’ve learned that we have a lot in common and we are fairly close in age. I’m also really attracted to him. Which I know is a horrible thing for therapy, but I figured it didn’t matter since it was just meds, not really CCT.

Is this kind of relationship with your therapist normal?

He told me I have a personality disorder Last time I saw him. I talked to some friends of mine and they all disagreed with what he said. I’m wondering if maybe the relationship that we have is causing him to misdiagnose me.

So I guess my question is what’s the best way to let him know that I don’t think I can keep seeing him?

His birthday is coming up and I wanted to give him a book and just leave him a note in it. But, and I know this is unethical so I don’t want the textbook response, how would I approach may be telling him that I would want to keep in touch through email. I really like this person and I would feel really sad if I couldn’t talk to him. But I just don’t feel like we have a patient therapist relationship anymore. I’m also 100% dead set on at least asking him if we can talk through email or something I just don’t know the way to do it.

I know this is weird. Does anyone have any advice on this?

I think the best way to let him know is to just tell him directly but courteously that you believe it’s best for you to seek out another professional to work with.

If you’re 100% set on asking to stay in touch, maybe a goodbye card or note, thanking him for his help and including your contact information, would work better than a gift/book.

I relate alot to your situation so I am gonna DM you, check your messages in a few

I do wanna say though, maybe reconsider the book idea as many T's even mine, who is super friendly, do not allow gifts

Thanks.

I’ll look at the pm

It’s so frustrating. Part of me thinks that maybe we’ve kind of crossed the boundaries a little and we would be better as friends. But the other part of me is like if I ask him then maybe it’ll be weird. But if I stop seeing him I know it’s going to really upset me. But somehow I want to be able to talk to this person. And I honestly feel like he feels the same way like we definitely hit off.

Hey I can’t reply to your dm so I’m posting my reply...

I would feel horrible if I couldn’t see him. All he does is meds so it’s not a big deal what we talk about. I’m just worried that maybe he might be misreading me. I honestly wish that I could just be friends with him in like a real way like going out to eat or whatever having a drink. Like I know he’s already spreading boundaries having me as his last appointment and spending time with me in the office alone. My friends and family keep telling me I need to go see somebody else because it’s getting really odd but just the thought of like not being able to be around this person even nominally really upsets me. I feel like I would literally just be losing a friend. And a friend that I’ve grown really close with. I know that they talk a lot about transference and how therapy relationship is really one-sided and you can’t love your therapist because you don’t know them. But what if you do know them? what if you know their likes and dislikes and their experiences and feelings?

Oh I totally get this. I understand what you mean about wanting to be friends more than what you are, and you feel like he feels that too but you feel weird asking. All of it, totally relate to.

I am actually gonna bring up being friends after therapy at my next session, well assuming I don't vomit out of fear LOL

I hope somehow you are able to have a convo like that too at some point! Keep us posted on how it goes

In my experience, codependency began the moment my butt hit the chair. Was true with every therapist. I think it's the nature of therapy.

I know what it's like to have feelings for a therapist. Very confusing. Trying to engage with someone on a social level who presumes to define your thoughts, behavior, feelings as normal or abnormal... creepy and fraught with problems.

And if that person goes as far as laying a personality disorder on you, that's even worse in my view, and I would not want to be involved, professionally or personally, with someone who trades in such things.

I'd be super cautious with someone who broke boundaries to that extent.

I can only say that knowing a therapist's likes, dislikes, experiences, and feelings does not mean that you know them. You know them in a bubble. You know who he is in his office. Knowing someone isn't about knowing what they tell you they like/dislike or feel or have been through. You know someone by experiencing them, and your experience is limited to the office.

The truth is, he is an entirely different person away from that office - when he's living 'out loud' in front of people...in front of the world. People are very different when they are out in front of the world.

I realize the above sounds sharp, but I want to explain that that sharp abrasiveness is not directed towards you. It's directed at me and my ex therapist. It's because of my own experiences in this area.

I also know from experience that sharing my experience isn't going to change anything, so there's a certain level of cynicism in this response of mine.

To be fair, that can be said about anyone. You only get to know people by learning more about them and spending more time with them. Relationships are this very same format... you don't know someone just because you start dating them, thats the whole point of any relationship, to get to know people better

Life's about risks... sometimes it's worth taking a shot with someone, rather than just assuming it wont work. You can get a very good idea of who a person is too in some cases, like my experience, I've seen him out of the office in some really odd scenarios.... I see how he handles people who are not clients etc.

Anyway... so yes and no... knowing stuff about a person is forming a deeper connection, and getting to know them more and spend time with them is the only way to deepen it, again, not just for this post but for all relationships

DP, you and I have talked in circles around this topic. I'm honestly too worn out to do it any longer.

Do what you want. I've said what I can about where it led for me. But everyone will do what they choose to do, and that's ok.

We haven't talked in circles about it, this is about OP anyway, my point is that it's unfair to say you don't know your T because you don't see them out of the office, knowing things about them etc doesn't count.... I was merely pointing out, thats how ALL relationships start.... friends, co workers etc... its not just a therapy thing.

We do not know how well OP knows her T, maybe they do know each other fairly well or maybe they want to keep getting to know each other and that is their choice.

Tell me how that goes! I want to do the same thing.

Will do... hopefully it happens tomorrow but if not, I'll do it soon.

I do know him though.. that’s the weird thing... it’s not like a professional relationship, not like it should be anyway. It feels like talking with a friend over coffee.. it’s not as intimate as a friendship would be but it’s still not like how you should be with a patient.

How will you feel if he says "no," that he can't/won't continue to have contact with you after your professional relationship ends?

I think your instincts are right that he has crossed some boundaries. And it's possible that he might be fine with being friends. But I think it's also possible that you bringing it up might make him realize that he shouldn't have spent so much time with you and that revelation might make him pull away. That wouldn't be your fault of course, but I can see that it might hurt.

It's obviously your decision if you think the risk is worth the possible reward, but I would suggest making sure you have some supports in place just in case you need it.