I'm terrified of tomorrow's session

I can't even describe how hard it has been for me since last session. I got quite delusional over the weekend. Then I had tons of clarity and for the first time wrote T a letter and this is me facing every defense mechanism, attention seeking and impulsive risky-behavior.

He never did call me back and that had both a horrible and great affect on me if that makes sense.

I won't hold back and say that the tough girl in me wants to kick him to the curb in person. I can't and won't do that though. I see now how he has tried in so many ways to provide a safe enough place for me to acknowledge my core issues.

Now I need to take it from here. What terrifies me is doing that and also what if he gets defensive with me as soon as I sit down? This will trigger me big time which could be good or bad.

Part of me wants to call the office and find out if he's done with me and if he is then maybe I shouldn't go?

Do you all see the problem here? Even as I type the distortions trickle in...I'm a mess!!!!

80% is showing up. You just have to show up tomorrow and find out what he is up to and respond to that. No second guessing, it's not possible; we can't read other people's minds no matter how hard we try/wish to.

You can't be afraid of tomorrow's session because you're not "there" yet, you're in today. You're afraid of being afraid tomorrow. That's a whole different thing. Stay in today, in the moment and don't be afraid of fear, it's just a "thought" and can't hurt you. Your imaginings about tomorrow are like the dreams you'll have tonight. Might help you see yourself better but can't affect others and their feelings and behavior.

((Almeda))

I don't know but your reactions to a difficult session sound pretty normal to me. Processing sessions and the emotional baggage that comes afterward can be so intense. I've written letters and made many a phone call.

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Now I need to take it from here. What terrifies me is doing that and also what if he gets defensive with me as soon as I sit down? This will trigger me big time which could be good or bad.

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You know, I think Perna had good advice. Stay in the now. What may or may not happen tomorrow is unknown and you may wind up worrying about something that may not happen. Can you do something nice for yourself tonight? Can you begin your session by telling T your worry?

Best of luck.

Hi almedafan, you never know what will happen in session. Can you let it unfold and not have expectations? It sounds like your expectations are all bad ones, and how is a session to have a chance of being healing or helpful or supportive if the client walks in the room thinking that? It sounds like you've had a bit of a rupture with your T. Maybe this session will contain some repair.

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what if he gets defensive with me as soon as I sit down?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you share this fear with him? Maybe he can give some reassurance or simply show by his behavior that he is not defensive.

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Part of me wants to call the office and find out if he's done with me and if he is then maybe I shouldn't go?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Somehow I doubt he would tell you this over the phone! Sometimes we have these extreme fears and when we share them with T, they go, "what??!!"

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He never did call me back

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I see it as a problem that his office administrator tells you he will call back and he won't. I think he needs to communicate better with the admin about his call back policies so that clients are not left dangling and get their hopes raised for a call.

Best of luck tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending good vibes.

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sunrise said:
Hi almedafan, you never know what will happen in session. Can you let it unfold and not have expectations? It sounds like your expectations are all bad ones, and how is a session to have a chance of being healing or helpful or supportive if the client walks in the room thinking that? It sounds like you've had a bit of a rupture with your T. Maybe this session will contain some repair.

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That is how I feel sunny like we ruptured. Its odd because I vacillate between clarity and despair and very quickly too. My thoughts go very negative and I say to myself 'no, he's never not called back, he's trying to get you to go crazy or quit (this is my dad talking to me and my mom). They always pushed me and I'd go crazy, raging at them, they would threaten to put me in boarding school so I didn't ruin the family even more.

No emotion was accepted in the house except anger because then they could understand that and fight back.

This is NOT my T...there is where the clarity comes in. But I'm not confident in that clarity or I wouldn't vacillate. I don't know why because he has showed me in many ways that he does get me and validates my thoughts...the second I think he isn't doing that or that he's rejecting me, here I am. The delusions got very scary for me since last session.

I will tell him all about it trust me. I have angry letters to him, and then a big awareness summary just full of confessions about the real me that I refuse to face. I'm scared to go there tonight.

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what if he gets defensive with me as soon as I sit down?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you share this fear with him? Maybe he can give some reassurance or simply show by his behavior that he is not defensive.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Part of me wants to call the office and find out if he's done with me and if he is then maybe I shouldn't go?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Somehow I doubt he would tell you this over the phone! Sometimes we have these extreme fears and when we share them with T, they go, "what??!!"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

He has said WHAT before many times but this time feels different than the rest. Could he have not called me back as part of an intervention or something? Maybe that is why his assistant asked if my call was life threatening. No, they haven't ever said that to me but I sounded much desperate this time.

I said no because I was afraid of what would've happened if I told the truth...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He never did call me back

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I see it as a problem that his office administrator tells you he will call back and he won't. I think he needs to communicate better with the admin about his call back policies so that clients are not left dangling and get their hopes raised for a call.

Best of luck tomorrow. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending good vibes.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

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Perna said:
80% is showing up. You just have to show up tomorrow and find out what he is up to and respond to that. No second guessing, it's not possible; we can't read other people's minds no matter how hard we try/wish to.

You can't be afraid of tomorrow's session because you're not "there" yet, you're in today. You're afraid of being afraid tomorrow. That's a whole different thing. Stay in today, in the moment and don't be afraid of fear, it's just a "thought" and can't hurt you. Your imaginings about tomorrow are like the dreams you'll have tonight. Might help you see yourself better but can't affect others and their feelings and behavior.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'll try to stay in today...I promise

Almeda, These are normal worries you are having that only time can heal. Just keep on turning up and let the process do "its" thing.

almedafan, did you survive? How did it go? (((hugs)))

I'm anxious to hear how it went.... are you okay? Did he explain why he didn't call you back? I think he owes you an explanation for that.