[Lrad123]

I see my T weekly and I’m struggling with feeling like my connection to my T starts to fade by the 3rd or 4th day after I see him. It’s like he starts to feel like a figment of my imagination or like he’s not real. Sometimes I then start to feel skeptical about why I’m in therapy, then I see him again and I feel connected and then the process starts over. I’m wondering if others have experienced this or know why this happens? I feel like it would help me to understand on an intellectual level why this happens. Normally, I can just deal with this pattern, but now he’s on vacation so I won’t see him for 2 weeks. I’m already starting to feel like he’s fading and it’s 1.5 weeks until my next appointment. I’m a little concerned that he may fade away completely in my mind and I may convince myself not to go back. As a result, I’ve googled him, I think to try to get some connection back. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) he has almost no online presence, so googling him was not helpful. I’d appreciate any insights or experiences that others might have!

[ElectricManatee]

I think this is a good thing to talk about with your T. I've had some success with having a picture to look at on my phone and having a transitional object. Going twice a week helped. Over time it has gotten easier to hold onto the connection, but I still have trouble sometimes when other things in my life are really bothering me.

[DP_2017]

In response to Electric... yes 2x a week was very helpful, I was this way so often

The problem since I've been put back to weekly, isn't that it fades but now my attachment or connection feels stronger, like I just want to be with him or talk to him all the time, losing that extra spot in my week almost made me more clingy in a sense, although I don't bother him outside of session time or anything

[Lrad123]

My T recommended 2x/week and maybe I should try that. I’m not sure why the idea scared me a little. I think I’m worried about becoming more dependent which sounds like what happened to DP 2017 😬

[Elio]

I too was having pretty much the same pattern you described. I moved to 2x week and it helped. I did get more attached and probably for a while more dependent. I still miss her between sessions and will reach out to her when I am stressed. The longing is not as intense and I have started to internalize elements of her/our relationship.

The downside for me at this point is knowing this is a long process and being afraid of something happening to her while I'm in what we call the messy middle. I know I can go on without her; what worries me is the coping mechanism I my employee to continue - the slide to being where I was before (who I was before) when it comes to dealing with these types of events in my life.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

My T recommended 2x/week and maybe I should try that. I’m not sure why the idea scared me a little. I think I’m worried about becoming more dependent which sounds like what happened to DP 2017 😬

Yes but it's also very much stuff related to how he has been with me, feeding into my issues and making my dependance more but I do have my restrictions like not bothering him outside session etc, I also don't have much real life support so that aids in my issue as well but yes it does make things more intense for sure, but at the flip side, you don't feel the lost connection anymore really.

[ElectricManatee]

I think it would make sense to talk to your T about those concerns and how s/he views the situation. I didn't have a family that I could depend on to support, understand, and nurture me as a child/teen. It would be cool if I had that and as a consequence felt very independent and self-sufficient now as an adult, but I don't. So I don't think learning to rely on my T now to help me get what I missed in childhood is a bad thing. But I understand that other people might view the situation differently.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

My T recommended 2x/week and maybe I should try that. I’m not sure why the idea scared me a little. I think I’m worried about becoming more dependent which sounds like what happened to DP 2017 😬

Going 2x doesn't make you more dependent. It keeps the stuff at the forefront so you're more able to work with it. Plus, the added support is more stabilising.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think it would make sense to talk to your T about those concerns and how s/he views the situation. I didn't have a family that I could depend on to support, understand, and nurture me as a child/teen. It would be cool if I had that and as a consequence felt very independent and self-sufficient now as an adult, but I don't. So I don't think learning to rely on my T now to help me get what I missed in childhood is a bad thing. But I understand that other people might view the situation differently.

I too did not have the type of support I needed in childhood. I also do not see attachment as dependency, or that all dependency is bad. I believe that it is through coming to believe in the safety of my attachment that things are changing for me.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

Going 2x doesn't make you more dependent. It keeps the stuff at the forefront so you're more able to work with it. Plus, the added support is more stabilising.

yes i agree, my dependance has grown since i am back at weekly. this was so much more relaxing when i did 2x weekly. sucks i can't anymore

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Elio

I too did not have the type of support I needed in childhood. I also do not see attachment as dependency, or that all dependency is bad. I believe that it is through coming to believe in the safety of my attachment that things are changing for me.

It sounds like you and I are having similar experiences, which I find reassuring. I think I'm in the "messy middle" right now too. Sometimes I can see glimmers of what "better" is going to feel like, and that's what keeps me moving forward. I worry about my T a lot too, because the connection feels vital and irreplaceable right now.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

Going 2x doesn't make you more dependent. It keeps the stuff at the forefront so you're more able to work with it. Plus, the added support is more stabilising.

This is good to hear. Intellectually I think going 2x/week makes sense and I think that’s what others are saying. Apparently I’m super afraid of losing my independence and feeling like I need anything from my T. I guess I’m a big chicken. I might just need to stop overthinking things and jump in.

I’m wondering if others have experienced this or know why this happens? I feel like it would help me to understand on an intellectual level why this happens.

Yes, it's lack of object constancy. Luckily, there is plenty on Google about this concept.

I had it to. It got slightly better for me over the course of therapy.

[NP_Complete]

I had the same experience as well. Going twice a week helped a lot.

[ruh roh]

I went twice a week for over a year and a half and it did not result in becoming more dependent. I've cut back to once a week and even that is not something that I feel is necessary. For me, that feeling of fading connection is more about waking up to the reality of what therapy is, which is a constructed one-sided relationship. I find the fading to be a good thing. That said, going twice a week when I needed the support was helpful during that time, even if it created a false bubble around the relationship.

[LonesomeTonight]

It's helpful to read all this, since I'm considering going twice a week, at least for a bit (ended up going twice last week and am going twice next week because T is away the following week).

For me, I was used to seeing two T's a week--ex-T (then more recently, current T) and our marriage counselor. So, even though not with same T, had two T sessions a week. Now we're only seeing MC occasionally (like once a month). T and I discussed this in our second session this week, which was held because I was upset about some stuff he'd said the day before regarding attachment and thinking about the relationship too much. Plus I've been contacting him outside of session some (he has boundaries around that, but I've been adhering to them, according to him.) During that session, I mentioned how I'd been used to seeing both MC and T (or ex-T) each week. And T said, "So, basically, your overall sessions have been cut in half." And I said yeah. Plus I often had outside contact with ex-T and MC. I think then he understood more why I was struggling with the relationship with him, how seeing him once weekly didn't seem like enough.. So he offered to see me either twice weekly, or like an every 4-5 days thing (like...Monday, then Friday, then Tuesday, etc.). I'm pondering it, but think I might try it, at least for a bit...

[Myrto]

Sorry but going twice a week *does* increase the attachment and dependency for A LOT of people, just take a look at the threads on this forum. Be wary that's all I'm saying. Also a therapist recommending going twice a week is a conflict of interest: of course it's better for her wallet if you go twice a week but is it better for you? Maybe not.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I see my T weekly and I’m struggling with feeling like my connection to my T starts to fade by the 3rd or 4th day after I see him. It’s like he starts to feel like a figment of my imagination or like he’s not real. Sometimes I then start to feel skeptical about why I’m in therapy, then I see him again and I feel connected and then the process starts over. I’m wondering if others have experienced this or know why this happens? I feel like it would help me to understand on an intellectual level why this happens. Normally, I can just deal with this pattern, but now he’s on vacation so I won’t see him for 2 weeks. I’m already starting to feel like he’s fading and it’s 1.5 weeks until my next appointment. I’m a little concerned that he may fade away completely in my mind and I may convince myself not to go back. As a result, I’ve googled him, I think to try to get some connection back. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) he has almost no online presence, so googling him was not helpful. I’d appreciate any insights or experiences that others might have!

I think this is object constancy. Being able to hold in mind and being held in someone else's mind is a task of early childhood( one I definitely failed, lol). Hopefully, if your T is good, and you are able to take a leap of faith and go back, the capacity for it all to seem real and cohesive will slowly grow and deepen. I don't think it will happen overnight.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

This is good to hear. Intellectually I think going 2x/week makes sense and I think that’s what others are saying. Apparently I’m super afraid of losing my independence and feeling like I need anything from my T. I guess I’m a big chicken. I might just need to stop overthinking things and jump in.

This sounds so much like me it's scary.

I have been seeing my T for quite a while and for much of it I have been going 2x a week. This has been really good for me in the fact that I don't lose that connection, I don't lash out and shut down as much anymore, and often there will be realizations between the first and second session that helps me expand on the issues I'm facing. When I was going 1x a week life always seemed to get in the way between sessions. Also, I struggle with some trust and abandonment issues so it helps me to know she's there for me 2 hours a week.

The downside is that I have definitely become attached and somewhat dependant on her. Is it unhealthy? I don't think so, we talk about it often and that definitely helps, but I still fear losing my independence. I don't like to depend on people because that is when you get hurt. I find that it helps me to have my own boundaries in place and I am incredibly cautious of even approaching hers. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but it helps to keep me in check. It has caused a few ruptures at times but even those can be viewed as opportunities to learn.

Best of luck to you!

Originally Posted by Lrad123

This is good to hear. Intellectually I think going 2x/week makes sense and I think that’s what others are saying. Apparently I’m super afraid of losing my independence and feeling like I need anything from my T. I guess I’m a big chicken. I might just need to stop overthinking things and jump in.

The fear is, we will go "mad" with the desire for the (m) other.
One we understand feelings are just feelings and we won't go "mad", we begin to relax with all our desires.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

The fear is, we will go "mad" with the desire for the (m) other.
One we understand feelings are just feelings and we won't go "mad", we begin to relax with all our desires.

I actually love this.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Sorry but going twice a week *does* increase the attachment and dependency for A LOT of people, just take a look at the threads on this forum. Be wary that's all I'm saying. Also a therapist recommending going twice a week is a conflict of interest: of course it's better for her wallet if you go twice a week but is it better for you? Maybe not.

It's better for her wallet if a client goes twice a week, but it's also twice the work for her. I got the feeling that the therapist offered this because the OP expressed the feeling of losing the connection after 3-4 days and she thought it might help.

OP, how long have you been seeing this therapist? If it is not a very long time (say, just a couple weeks or months), I think it is perfectly normal that your mind migrates away from the momentary connection with someone you only interact with with that frequency. I think it is very common that when an experience/relationship is new, the engagement is fueled by the novelty factor and it fades with time. Not just therapy, it is quite universal. Then, what can probably replace it is if there is interaction that truly touches us somehow, is useful, enjoyable, or otherwise leaves a mark. Simply just talking with an individual as a routine will not create the object constancy mentioned above. Do you find the therapist and what you discuss with him interesting/helpful? I personally don't think that it is essential in therapy to cultivate a steady connection with the T, it actually often creates more problems when people cannot let go and constantly think about the T. Maybe focus on the actual issues you bring to therapy and how you and your T work with them, experiment with trying to improve them between sessions?

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

OP, how long have you been seeing this therapist? If it is not a very long time (say, just a couple weeks or months), I think it is perfectly normal that your mind migrates away from the momentary connection with someone you only interact with with that frequency. I think it is very common that when an experience/relationship is new, the engagement is fueled by the novelty factor and it fades with time. Not just therapy, it is quite universal. Then, what can probably replace it is if there is interaction that truly touches us somehow, is useful, enjoyable, or otherwise leaves a mark. Simply just talking with an individual as a routine will not create the object constancy mentioned above. Do you find the therapist and what you discuss with him interesting/helpful? I personally don't think that it is essential in therapy to cultivate a steady connection with the T, it actually often creates more problems when people cannot let go and constantly think about the T. Maybe focus on the actual issues you bring to therapy and how you and your T work with them, experiment with trying to improve them between sessions?

Good advice. I’ve been seeing him once/week for 5 months and this is my first time in therapy. Maybe what’s happening is not such a big deal, I’m not sure. The problem is that in addition to him seeming less real after 3-4 days, I also start to get skeptical and question my need for therapy. Another part of me genuinely wants to continue with therapy, so it’s this exhausting inner struggle each week. This is why he offered 2x/week.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Good advice. I’ve been seeing him once/week for 5 months and this is my first time in therapy. Maybe what’s happening is not such a big deal, I’m not sure. The problem is that in addition to him seeming less real after 3-4 days, I also start to get skeptical and question my need for therapy. Another part of me genuinely wants to continue with therapy, so it’s this exhausting inner struggle each week. This is why he offered 2x/week.

In addition to what you describe, part of what was happening with me was by the next week rolled around, I also was not trusting some part of the whole thing (T, the process, myself...) and it would take most of the session for me to get to where I'd talk about anything of depth. So part of the increase in sessions was so that I'd still be open to talking to her, still believe that talking to her had value, or that the things I need to talk about were safe to talk about.