In Session Today: Part IV

No, not because it makes her sick.

She’d like me to stop obsessing in general AND it makes her sick.

(I know we're kind of not supposed to reply (?) but this was moving to me.)
I have often thought how useful it would be if emotional pain could be made visible. (I think a related thought is, I wish the Vulcan Mind Meld was a real thing and someone could place their hand on your head and feel how much pain you were in.) The reason we would want people to see our emotional pain, if that were possible, is that as social primates we take care of someone who is injured, so if we are emotionally injured of course we want to be taken care of and in some sense should be taken care of.

I think that describing it as attention-seeking is using a harsh language with yourself, and putting it in a negative light that implies that it's... I'm not sure, selfish in some way? But it's not selfish to want people to know that you need help. If emotional pain were visible you likely would have gotten more help.

And I also think unmet needs come flooding to the surface in therapy. Any needs you had in the past, for someone to recognize that you needed help, could come back quite strongly in therapy.

Personally I don't think it's attention seeking. I think when you're totally exhausted, and you can't find any other way to communicate your need to be taken care of, sometimes you make the pain visible to others in the most primal of ways. But maybe your T can help you find ways through talking, journaling, art, poetry, or so on, to reach people with the pain that you were/are in, so that you don't have to injure yourself to get the care you need. What I did was not creative or artistic -- but I found papers that proved emotional mistreatment can be serious trauma on a par with physical abuse -- so I had hard evidence and data to show that I was hurt. (My poor T actually looked at statistical tables from papers and listened to me explain what they meant.)

I'm sorry that you have those scars on your arms LabRat. I know it means you were in a great deal of pain. I wish someone had been kind to you so that you wouldn't have had to do that, but I understand why you did.

Thanks for this perspective. I have been going through a rough time since last year and started cutting. I thought hard about why I was doing it and one reason was so people could see the pain. After discussing with my therapist I felt so ashamed because that's basically "attention seeking ". Now i have very visible scars on my wrists and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

When I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I often thought it would be easier if he would just hit me. He was hurting me but no one could see like they would see if I had a black eye. I know that's a contentious statement if you've been physically abused so please forgive me for speaking my mind.

I don't want to go see T on Wednesday. I might not. I feel embarrassed and scared

Well I'm doing that thing I said I wasn't sure whether I wanted to. You were no help at all in the decision-making process, but hey ho. Wish me luck.

ETA - Dammit, wrong thread. Never mind.

I think it's interesting to replace the word "attention" with the word "help," which I think is what we're really hoping to receive. Then your sentence becomes "...I felt so ashamed because that's basically help-seeking behavior." Which puts it in a different light... seeking help isn't a bad thing to do, and I'm sure if you'd have had an easier way to access help you would have chosen that easier way instead.

I think it was LabRat who linked to this article, which makes an interesting point:
Maybe we learn to do that as kids but I think a lot of us still do this as adults, shame ourselves for having needs. I know the kinds of words I used to direct at myself... pathetic, childish, ridiculous, etc. It's hard because therapy brings all the suppressed needs forward and then the shame comes with them to try to stuff them back down again. Therapy is not easy.

I understand what you mean about how if the abuse was physical it would be simpler for people to see what was happening to you, and to know you need help. When I found this article [pdf] about how psychological mistreatment is as bad as physical abuse in children, I felt validated by that, because emotional abuse is still seen as not a big deal by too many people.

Thank you for putting it so well.

And yep, I used to wish my father would finally hit me in one of his rages so that I would have some concrete indisputable piece of abuse he couldn't gaslight his way out of so that I could finally convince the courts to stop forcing me to spend time at his house. And I've often had the guilty thought that if the abuse had been physical then at least I wouldn't question whether it was really abuse or whether I was misinterpreting/misremembering it and doubt myself years later (not that those who've experienced physical abuse never question their abuse/aren't susceptible to gaslighting).

And I think there's nothing inherently bad about "attention-seeking," but that it's picked up a negative connotation and is used to be dismissive and pass judgment.
That part of the article was something that really resonated with me when I first read it and made me feel like the author really understood me.
Admitting to my therapist that part of the reason for my self harm was sometimes to receive support or comfort or awareness of my pain from other people was incredibly difficult, and I was so ashamed. I couldn't even look at him when I said it and talked about my "pathetic neediness," but he wasn't judgmental at all and was kind and understanding and didn't agree with my belief that those things made me a bad person or were weak or pathetic or wrong.
I always told myself that I shouldn't have those needs, or that, if I couldn't manage that, I should at least have the decency to keep them to myself. Self harm is one of the ways that I've tried to get those needs met, and I feel incredibly guilty for that. My therapist doesn't want to "encourage" it not because he thinks it is wrong of me to want or need attention, but because he doesn't want self harm to be the way that I try to get it.

I cancelled my session with T for this week

The second session went much better. I was actually quite pleased with how it went.

I wore the clothes that fit me the best. No heavy sweatshirt or baggy pants and he didn’t even mention me dieting.

He didn’t mention me going out and making friends.

The only thing he said is that I should be more sociable and be more affluent and actually try talking to my coworkers. I do agree with him about showing more emotions.

The only slightly odd moments was when he commented weirdly about how I am trying to move out on my own. And he asked me if my coworker was Hispanic. Which surprised me.

I told him I was starting to learn how to drive. He supported me on it. Which I was relieved about.

So yeah this session was pretty decent.

From yesterday.

Murder of child and autopsy specimens.



I asked if I could have an extra session on thursday.

I don't remember much of the first 30 mins as we picked up where we left off and I got back into that place. I think it's a part I'm not familiar with and that isn't spoken to much. All I remember is saying I felt like he was watching me through a screen, like he didn't know what I am. I remember telling him about some sensations i have in my stomach, sometimes feeling like I've been kicked, sometimes like butterflies or an electric shock. And him asking me to try to slow my breathing down because it was fast and shallow. He said to breathe into my diaphragm because I was breathing "here" (pointimg to his chest) I laughed and said "that's where my lungs are!" And that pulled me out of that place. He said "you've come back out?" I said yeah. He said "It's good to know you can".
Second half of the session we talked about the funeral yesterday and I showed him some pictures my Dad had found of my parents' wedding which included one which showed in the background.
He asked how it felt to see that. I breathed deeply and said it made me realise how disconnected I am when I describe that stuff to him. Like I'm talking about a fictional character.
I asked him what he feels we're working on. He said his sense of it was my unmet need for love. I said that I was loved. Maybe it's the protection and prizing, which is a part of love. I said I felt good when he told me I was let down because of something I did every week as a child which just shouldn't have been allowed. He said "it was outrageous." That felt good. I imagined him saying that to the people who allowed it, if he had been there at the time. We talked about the feelings he stirs in me and he asked if anyone else has ever stirred those feelings. I said yes, my ex who died last year. I needed more from him than he could give. Just like my mum. I said I feel like T, my ex and my mum are in a kind of triangle. They re all connected somehow. But two of them are dead. I said the difference is that T can't reject me because I don't give him the opportunity. I don't show him my "too much" I just feel the need.
We did a bit of scheduling and stood up and hugged. I told him I felt the electric shock in my stomach again. He said "i wonder what that is" I said it feels good, like excitement." We said goodbye and I left.

Today's interactions with the practitioners of the supratentorial arts did not feel good.

This morning I went back to the hospital where I had been inpatient b/c they're considering me for an outpatient group program and have to meet with me a few times before deciding whether or not I oughta participate. I had met with the guy once before (he's an MSW), and he said at that first meeting that he thinks that I have borderline personality disorder and not depression. Or maybe the depression too but definitely also BPD. I told him that I've read the DSM criteria and I don't think I fit them. I also told him that I've had literally dozens of people involved in my psych care over the last four years and no one else has ever mentioned this to me. (I did *not* say, "I'm sorry, are social workers even qualified to provide diagnoses?" I may have thought it, though... especially b/c the secretary in his office referred to him as Dr. his-last-name and he defs does not have an MD or a PhD.) Today he had me fill out a ~10-question yes/no diagnostic test right there in his office. And the way that I answered them, I do not meet criteria. BUT he disagreed with me on my answers--e.g. I said I didn't tend to have relationships full of arguments and frequent breakups/make-ups; he said, "but what about your relationship with your parents?" I said that yes that particular relationship was fraught, but aren't parent-child relationships often fraught? And furthermore, my parents both have depression, my mother is an alcoholic, and my dad is in the closet--isn't it conceivable that a person without a BPD diagnosis would have a fraught relationship with those parents? He said something like, "yes it's possible but you're framing this too much in black and white--part of it is how you've argued/what you've argued about, but part of it is how you have come to understand that arguing." I am not sure if I agree with him. But he says that if I want to participate in the program, I have to believe that I have a personality disorder. (I can understand why a program might have this requirement but at the same time it feels weirdly, like, prosthelytizey.)

So this afternoon when I went to meet with T, I wanted to hear her impressions. Fortunately, the MSW had already called and spoken with her b/c I didn't think I'd do a very good job of relaying his arguments (mostly b/c I disagree with many of them). She said to me that while we all have some traits of BPD, that is not the frame with which she had understood my issues--she thinks I have depression, complicated by some attachment stuff and some stuff that she calls trauma but I don't. (We also talked about how labels are only so useful and the DSM is ridiculous in so many ways etc etc etc.) At the same time she also believes that the treatment that my MSW BFF and his pals offer could be helpful to me. She said she thought she'd be remiss if she didn't recommend I try it.

I mentioned that, conveniently for her, the program they're offering would require me to give up my other providers and would therefore take me off her hands. Predictably she didn't let that statement go and said, "let's talk about that. Why do you think I want to get rid of you?" I mumbled some stuff about how she has to see me twice a week b/c I'm so sick or so bougie or whatever. She countered that yes her clinic doesn't like her to see anyone more than once a week, that I am currently the only client she sees twice a week, that this has to do in part with ability to make use of therapy rather than level of f****d-upedness. I talked about how while I was in the hospital she had to make a lot of phone calls and paperwork and stuff and she said, "yes, but nothing out of the ordinary. You have never called me in crisis or left notes under my door telling me how awful I am--yes that has actually happened--or anything like that. So what is it about you that you believe I find terrible or repulsive?"

I tried to think but I couldn't come up with anything. I tried to scan through
these three posts which I had copied and pasted into a sticky note on my phone. But I couldn't come up with a good answer so I said, "can you just read this?"

So she read it. She chuckled at the first few sentences, saying, "I'm sorry--I'm not laughing at you, I'm just appreciating your candor." But then she got quiet. I said, "some of it's mean," to which she said "eh" with the inflection of 'whatever, I can take it.' I continued, "and some of it is unfair to you." When she'd finished reading, she looked sad and subdued and like she wanted to cry. "We'll have to talk about this. All of this." I asked "to what end" and I don't remember how she answered. We were talking about whether or not therapy would be helpful to me, and how I feel just about as bad as I did two months ago before this hospitalization so maybe this whole thing is just useless.

Eventually she said something, teasing me a little, about how I hadn't had to star out the curse words. I said, "nono, that's just because I copied and pasted it from the online forum thing and you can't put foul language on there or else they'll beep it out for you." (I had showed her a post from the "dear t" thread before so she knew what I meant.) I said, "I know that you aren't bothered by that sort of thing. If I had censored anything, it would have been the stuff that's personal to you." She asked what I meant and I said, "you know--when I wondered if treating me wasn't satisfying to you because of the shape of your own wounded healer stuff, or about whether or not you're going to stick around." (Regarding the latter, what I meant but couldn't bring myself to say was, "the part where I get all up in your ovaries." Maybe a less-silly way to say that would have been, "the part where I talk about this true-or-untrue belief I have that you have complicated feelings about pregnancy.") Or maybe I would have censored out the parts that make me seem especially crazy--the push me/pull you stuff, or the parts where I vehemently feel/believe two totally contradictory things. But it seemed stupid to do something other than lay all my cards on the table." And she seemed accepting of that.

So... that was defs 50 minutes worth of material so we stopped. I don't know what I feel right now but I do know that it feels bad.

chihiro--I am sorry about your day.

But I supratentorial arts.

Is that like barbering?

That was an intense session. R came in and sat down, and began in the usual way.
‘How are you doing?’
‘If I start waffling, I am not going to stop…so today I have brought something I am going to read, and something I would like you to read. Reading from an index card somehow makes it more formal!’
‘I feel you are very focused today.’
I picked up the card and read from it

When I know you are with me, I can begin to clean the wound. It started to heal, then it became something else and whatever infection was left behind festered again. I need to speak it to externalise it, get some distance, and feel safe again in my own mind.
R asked whether I could read it again or if she could read it. I handed it to her.

“When I know you are with me…” ‘You are talking about myself?’
‘Yes.’
‘Help me if I am wrong here, but how I interpret this is that something has changed. You had that sense of safety, and then like a tortoise you darted back into your shell.’
‘It’s bizarre and stupid…I should have sent my inner critic on holiday this week!’

We both had a laugh at that.

‘We nearly had another collage to start this week, but I was trying not to make it an intellectual process. This is me we are talking about. Everything is an intellectual process.’

‘I hear that self awareness in there. You know what you are doing, and you are trying not to do it.’

‘When I had stuck down four words relating to pain, darkness and nightmares, I thought it might be safer to stop.’

‘Good awareness of your own boundaries there. You recognised that you were getting into a space you found less than comfortable and kept yourself safe.’

I glanced at the clock and realised that I needed to hand the letter over if we were going to have a chance to discuss it.

‘Do you want me to read it aloud, or to myself?’

‘I think it would be better if you read it to yourself. I have tried reading it aloud and there are too many pauses.’

I looked away from her as she read, even though I was curious to see how it would be received.

‘This strikes me as really honest, Lost. I know that you write beautifully and express yourself very well with words, but this is stuff we haven’t talked about before that I know would be really hard for you to say.’

We moved into a bit of a conversation about P’s handling of the situation.

‘Talking to other people was like talking to a brick wall. I know it took me a while to be able to look you in the eye…’
‘And here you are!’
‘This is different. With P, I felt as though I was fighting to make her understand. There was a lot of groundwork that needed to be done. If you aren’t au fait with the Internet…and it took five sessions before she even asked about my experiences of medical things and loss.’

‘You have mentioned that here, but we haven’t talked about it before.’

I elaborated a little, to which R said ‘Wow’, and then explained that when I mentioned it to P she became very concerned about unleashing preverbal trauma, and made it impossible for me to continue talking about it.
‘That might have been her stuff coming up, though.’

‘Could be. In the world of person-centred counselling, which is what I am training in, and what I try to embody in who I am…there has to be a willingness to want to understand. If I don’t understand something, I will ask for an explanation.’
‘I have to…no, I don’t have to…I do a lot of work to convince myself that this is different. But I know that if I hadn’t had that experience, we would not be here now.’

‘So you are grateful for it?’

‘Grateful that it led me to this….Sorry, I’m using a lot of medical analogies today.’

‘OK.’

‘2008, I had a lymph examination…a lymphoscintigram, they call it. Give me a term like that and I will Google it and find out what the heck you’re going to do to me. As would anybody, I suppose.’

‘Yes.’



‘And you were in a different place completely.’



‘I winced when you said that.’

‘In a way this is similar. It feels like that five seconds of OK, and then…’

‘So it’s fear of pain. You’re scared of going to that place.’
‘Sometimes, I feel like a tortoise without my shell.’

‘Another thing that jumps out at me…sorry, I keep referring back to this [the letter] Please tell me to shut up. Not to big myself up but I am only here for a small part of your life.’

‘Do you feel exposed now?’

‘This is exposure and safety. I went out for dinner with friends the other night, and my friend who asks me if I am OK every ten minutes, which doesn’t make me feel good…’

‘No, that would make me uncomfortable as well.’

‘She has stopped doing that now…she strokes my arm instead.’

‘She sounds very nurturing, as though she wants to offer support.’

‘I told her everything, not because I wanted to, but because when someone looks you in the eye and says “You look thoroughly bored”, you are kind of obliged to give them something. The other night was mostly about setting one of the guys up on a date, and a conversation ensued about how ‘she’ could be a 50 year old man.’

‘I take it it was an Internet date.’

‘Yes…made me feel quite uncomfortable. Towards the end of the evening, I came back mentally…I don’t know where I was, but I wasn’t there…and I had my head in my hands. Good look!’

‘As you say that, it strikes me..do you have any social interactions where you aren’t in your bubble? Not to sound harsh. I know you only bring the ones that impact you here.’

‘Music used to be a major coping mechanism…going out and playing alongside other people helped, but now I think ‘Can’t play that, can’t play that….’ It’s all loaded.’

‘That sounds sad…that something which once helped you has been tainted.’

‘It’s been about two years since I last played an open mic, but I helped at an event at the college last weekend, and that was cool.’

‘Sorry, I have been so with you that we only have a few minutes left. Was there anything else you wanted to bring up from the letter?’

I asked to look at it again and said that it was the penultimate paragraph.

‘What jumps out at me here is ‘I’m scared, and I need you not to be.’ I can tell you that I am not scared, and that I can take it…but the minute you get a hint of uncertainty you will retreat back into your shell. What can I do to show you that I am not scared?’

T yesterday (since now it's after midnight). He said he'd seen me get out of my car because he'd been in the coffee shop downstairs (I'd parked right in front of it). I felt a bit embarrassed and said I'd been running late, so probably looked really silly leaping out of the car. He said no, I looked very efficient. I said I'm normally not like that getting out of car because I always realize I'm forgetting something.

He said that I wasn't wearing a sweatshirt of the university where I interviewed, so he guessed it didn't move that quickly. I laughed and said no, they're supposed to meet on Wednesday to decide. T: "Isn't that today?" Me: "No, he meant next Wednesday....Also, today's Thursday." T: "Right, it is, sorry." I said I was probably going to take up a good part of the session talking about Tuesday's interviews. T: "Good, I want to hear all about it." (Which felt nice.) So I filled him in (won't go into all that here).

While talking about my lunch that day with grad students, I mentioned someone else I'dmet online who had applied (too complicated to go into), then made the offhanded comment that she and I have similar screen names on there (very different from my PC one!). Then I was like, "Oh, I guess I use that name some other places, too, so I suppose you could look me up if you wanted to."

T asked if that was just an offhanded comment or if I was really wondering if he'd look me up. I said mostly an offhanded comment, plus that screen name is mostly for things like Instagram (where I never post) and Pinterest (which is just clothes I like). Then I mentioned the article someone had posted on here recently about how many T's do Google their clients.

T looked horrified. He said, "I'd never do that, and I can't think of any clinician I know who would either." I said that was good. He said he values honesty, probably more than most people do, and he'd never look up a client without first asking permission, and even then, probably wouldn't. So, for anyone concerned about that, here's one U.S. psychologist's opinion!

I said how while trying to look something up in my e-mail regarding the interviews, I had come across some e-mails I'd sent to ex-T. And that it really struck me the tone I was using in writing to her in some of them. How it was almost submissive. I gave an example of saying, "I meant to write something shorter, but it ended up being really long, and I'm sorry." T gave a little laugh. I then said how I'd put all this emotional content in there, then ended saying I'd see her that Wednesday, "at 1 p.m., right?" And how her only response to all of that had been "Yes, 1 p.m. Wed." And I said that was often how it was. How she tended not to respond at all, or would just write something brief to ones I didn't think were as important. Was there something to that, how I kept reaching out even if I was almost never getting back what I wanted?

T said how my e-mails to him were often that way the first few months, with lots of apologies for writing. I said I thought I was doing better with that with him, right? He said he agreed that I was. I said, "But I was still doing that (apologizing) with ex-T 5 years in..." I said in reading some, it almost seemed like a kid being like, "Please don't hurt me." T said it was like,

That I was afraid to express my needs. I think he related it to insecure/avoidant attachment.

Then I said with MC, I'd contact him (e-mail or text), and sometimes he'd respond fairly quickly with exactly what I needed to hear, even if just two sentences. But then other times, he wouldn't respond at all for 3 days. T looked a bit sad when I said that. But I said it was like I knew he was capable of giving me what I wanted/needed, so I kept reaching out. T said that MC was inconsistent, and that can make it more difficult. I agreed, that the inconsistency was the big issue. But then I kept trying. Because the hope was there, and he did meet my needs sometimes.

T said how it seems like I sort of prod at people (not just T's, also my H, friends, etc.) to see what needs they can meet and what is too much. He used an analogy of growing lettuce in a garden. That you can just cut off some of the lettuce, then you have something eat, but you have to wait for it to grow to get more. And if you pull it up from the roots, then you don't have lettuce anymore (I wanted to ask if he grows lettuce, because that's pretty detailed.) Like...if I asked for too much, then I might be left with nothing.

I asked what it was like with MC, with the inconsistency. He thought for a minute, and said, "Lettuce that grows irregularly, maybe? That sometimes it grows faster, sometimes slower. But you don't know how fast it will grow." I said that seemed to make sense. So basically I didn't know how much I could take or when it would be ready. He agreed.

We talked about how it's hard for me to express my needs. I said how asking for the transitional object from him was a big step for me, because it was expressing a need. How I felt like, even if he'd said no, it would have been progress for me, because I had asked. (I didn't say how that would have been really painful...) He said he wasn't sure how other clinicians would have responded to my request. Because I was the first client who had ever asked him for one. Which surprised me, since he's been practicing for over 15 years.

I said it meant a lot to me that he'd agreed to it. I said how I hadn't felt like I was particularly pushing his boundaries with it, at least not intentionally. Unless his boundaries were "no touching my stuff!" Which made him laugh. I added, "Oh, except tissues." He said, "But only used ones!" Which made me laugh.

I asked if it was OK to keep the stone a bit longer, saying I could give him a stone in exchange if he wanted. He said it was fine to hold on to it, and he wasn't even sure which one I'd taken (he really has an excessive number of things in his office!) I said that I'd held it a bit while sitting in the lobby before the interviews (I felt really embarrassed sharing that--I left out the part where I'd also held it during a bathroom break...) and felt it had helped. He said he was glad.

Then I said how the stone would feel really cold, then I'd hold it for a minute and it would get really warm and hold onto the heat for a long time. T: "That's what stones do. It's why you can cook on them." Me: "Oh, I guess so...I suppose that was my geology lesson for the day." He laughed.

Was past time to end. We scheduled fairly quickly, then I went over to pay. Shook hands as he said, "Until next time." He doesn't usually walk me out, but I guess he did because we ran slightly over. As we were walking out, he said, "And congratulations on doing so well on the interviews!" I said, "Well, I guess I managed to keep from crying or running out screaming, so..." And I thought he said "You did better than I did," so I replied, "I'm sure you did fine." He seemed confused, so I clarified what he'd said. Which had been, "It sounds like you did much better than that!" I said what I'd thought I'd heard, which made him laugh, and he said, "My interviews were very different from yours." We were both kinda laughing as we entered waiting room. T said, "Take care," I said, "You, too," and his next client (a teen or young adult guy) seemed to be getting up.

T swore a few times tonight. Not anything bad but I was surprised lol I swear a lot but she's usually pretty clean with her language. Made me laugh.

Talked about my general feeling of misery + what’s going on at home.



She asked if I was thinking of talking to him — I am but I can’t.

It was all just....

I'm so sorry, AY. I think one definition of stress is having or feeling the weight of responsibility without any authority to effect change. Hang in there.

We started my session talking about the conversation I'd had with my kids' dad, how hard it was to listen to him say, "I didn't choose this," as though his abusive behavior didn't have anything to do with the choices I made and the boundaries I set. As though I just woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll break up with my husband today," and he's a victim.

Then the question I'd posed last session, I hadn't said the full question. I'd left out the beginning, "When do I get to look away from my own failure?" And when she asked me, "Where do you think that comes from?" I tried to explain, but couldn't get to it. All of a sudden she seemed to get it, and she shared a story with me that...I just started crying while I listened.

I think it's the first time I've been able to imagine being on the other side of this.

As we were wrapping up, she leaned forward and asked a pretty big question. I made a joke about being the Queen of Holding Things Side-by-Side, and she told me about a documentary she'd watched about a queen, and how heavy the crown really is, so heavy she can't turn her head.

First we talked about my former friend texting me out of the blue. I think we both agreed that it was kind of surprising, but that it's fine as long as I don't feel like I'm getting too needy.

Then I told him I wanted to discuss eye contact. He mentioned I never look at him unless he tells me to, not even when we say hi. I said I was scared of it. He asked of what I was scared, but I couldn't really tell. I said I get very sad when we look at each other, and I'm scared to be left alone with that feeling for the whole week. He asked some more about why I might be scared, but I don't think we got any closer to the actual reason. At some point he asked whether I'd like to look at him, and I said yes. Then we alternated between me crying, calming myself down and looking at him again. He let me stay for a full 70 minutes, which kind of surprised me as he normally likes to end after at the very most 50 minutes and might just go a bit over as an exception.

You, with your three foot rule, are not a hugger but yet today you almost did it, not that I would ever ask. That was a first, and unexpected.

There were feelings in the room real and pure the way you want me to feel safe with you, and you know having after contact with that much whomever fights monsters will leave a struggle for me to contain.

So this is what I wonder: having had trouble letting me go, do you think of me now? Of course you don't reach out like a normal friend. Or are you lost in dadland ( you are kind of old to adopt kids that young) , and with your always long weekends and uptight wife , just slam the office door on your work, on me. You are well trained, you say, to out the day away when you leave.

Who does that make me then to you, writing here on a forum about you?

You could ease this sadness co-created by you, but you wont for my own good. I have no problems with boundaries in terms of breaking them- never would I. That doesn't mean my heart doesn't ache over the whiplash from all of your love to not being a person, your three foot rule your hazmat suit, your house just four miles from mine that never have I gone near more would I.

It is a space to curl up in front hall of your mind I want, not a real concrete place. Who are you? Is the person with me from 9-950am x 2 anyone at all or a just a therapist suit, and now you don't remember who I am?

Unless I get attacked or die or write an essay for a magazine to which you subscribe, you have amnesia for me until ten minutes before my next session. During that session you will ask hopefully & vulnerable' " How an I doing with you, how are you doing wiht me today? Can I say who is you? Can I say you wont care about me in twenty minutes, so dies that question even have any meaning? Knowing my horror story as you do, I want you to worry about me in this rain, but I will not do anything to solicit attention- rather I will back away. Is there such thing as agape, and are you capable of that? How can I choose you in a the sense that you want, to go with you to the highest level of vulnerabity and trust, when you are faithless in your fashion, the instant the watch strikes 50? It would mean a lot to read your mind- do you think about me falling asleep , or do no thoughts at all come n your 4 day long weekend despite how intense the time was?

Both my T and I thought that my last session, a few days ago, was really, really enlightening. I finally was able to articulate what goes on in situations when I feel like my child ego state emerges. I was able to tell him that I felt like I was just talking to a person, on an intellectual level, but when the person started to leave, my child ego state emerged and I felt almost frantic that the person was leaving, but during that I wasn't aware of it at all. I kept asking questions as the person walked out, I felt like my anxiety escalated, like in a way that I think that the child ego state didn't want her to leave. Then as soon as the person left, I felt a MASSIVE dose of shame and was angry at myself and I felt so idiotic. The good thing that came out of it was that I finally noticed what happened, and this has made a huge impact on me.

This means to me that I can stop blaming myself, because I KNOW that I wasn't fully aware of that ego state being present until immediately afterward. I have felt really helpless, and I think this is why.

T told me it sounded like a young ego state and that this was the clearest I have ever been about what has happened. It is really such a relief. It's as if I now have a concrete example to justify forgiving myself.

She had the completed paperwork to submit to my University to request accommodations due to mental health. It is a staggering idea and we talk about my "irrational" belief that requesting accommodations (limit class size, reduce the number of classes I teach an academic year by 1) will just out me and let people judge me for being pathetic. I do not feel these are irrational. But then again, depression tells me there is no hope in a lot areas.

We also talked about her not being in town all next week. My rationale brain is okay with it - she is going to a conference and she didn't take a vacation in either Nov or Feb, so it is good to let her take time off from her clients. But I am feeling vulnerable. She said that if I am in crisis I can call my pdoc because she seems willing to help. It just reminds me that when I ask to come in for an extra session the answer is always "there are no openings." It may be true there are no openings but it feels like she doesn't want to see me 2x weekly, especially when she doesn't have a client before me or after me so frequently. It feels like if she wanted to see me 2x a week then she would shift appts. She works with a lot of folks on a short term basis. And when there is someone before me who comes out to schedule, it never seems like they have a fixed time and day like I do. I ramble on.

I cannot face asking her directly because I cannot handle that rejection. I am just holding on.

It feels like she recognizes my emotional state - hence her encouragement to seek accommodations - but she is limited in her willingness/interest in helping me. But she did reiterate that I can email her while she is away. I already know her response: I am sorry that you are struggling. I am still here!