In Session Today: Part IV

We talked about the impossible depth and breadth of my emotions about being diagnosed with a heart condition and told I will at some point need surgery for it. After around seven years of suffering with symptoms and being ignored, dismissed, belittled and even laughed at by medical professionals.

T seems to think he can provide a space for me where I can safely express those feelings, blah de blah etc etc. I don't think he understands. The anger and sadness and fear are bottomless and unbearable. What the f*** does he want me to do with them? And where am I supposed to put them when my fifty minutes is up? Neatly pack them back up in the box they came from and put them on the shelf for next time?

He is trying. I don't know what I expect him to do.

T today. Went back and sat down. I commented on the particularly dramatic classical piece that had been playing in waiting room. He apologized, I said was OK, just made for dramatic entrance. He said how another clinician had taken over music, he'd meant to do something else with it. Then he jumped up, saying, "Thanks for reminding me!" He went over to a plant and pulled out a stick with a label, saying, "I've been meaning to get rid of this gross thing!" Me: "Great, so I remind you of a gross thing in a plant?!?" T: "No, was just in my head for general maintenance like the music." Me: "Oh, OK."

Said I wanted to share something that happened over weekend with H, but first, back story. How Thursday was our 10th anniversary, and the band whose song we'd used for our first dance just happened to be playing not far from our wedding venue Friday night. So H and I went to see them. T asked if they played the song, and I said they did. I said it wasn't really a traditional love song and shared a few lines from it. T said it sounded sweet. And how the concert was an experience we shared that we'd remember forever. I agreed. He confirmed that the day they played was our anniversary, and I said the day after, so 10 years and a day. He said, "That's even more meaningful, it means you've lasted over 10 years!" I laughed.

I said I was also going to a concert tonight. T said, "You really love going to those, don't you?" Me: "Yes, but it just happened that a couple of my favorite bands were playing in the area within a few days of each other." I said I wouldn't have expected him to have heard of the band we saw Friday, but maybe he'd heard of the one I'm seeing tonight. He said no, then referred to them later as, "the [one word in their name] People," which made me laugh. He asked if I was worried about my hearing with all the concerts. I said that I'd had tinnitus for 25 years, so...He said by the time I needed a hearing aid, they'd probably be really advanced (I think T sometimes forgets I'm only 7 years younger than him...)

I said how on the way to the concert Friday, H and I had...I wasn't sure if "fight" was the right word. But there were raised voices. I was starting to explain how we were dropping our D off in a parking lot where his mom was getting physical therapy, how it was in the same lot as a certain restaurant that I didn't like. T was saying he isn't really a fan either, so we discussed that a minute. Then I was trying to explain how I was driving us around a corner but went the wrong way. As I said that, I gestured with my arm, hitting my slightly unscrewed bottle of fizzy water and sending it flying. It landed on the floor and leaked a bit into a puddle. I was red with embarrassment and laughing, as T said, "That was impressive!" I grabbed some tissues and started dabbing at is, as T said, "Don't worry about it, it's just water." I said OK, carried tissues with me, and said, "Remind me not to use these."

Then I did my best to carry on with what I'd been saying. Explained how we were leaving from dropping off D, I’d made a wrong turn, H informed me, I apologized and in trying to correct it, I hit a curb and was like, “I’m sorry!” To which H yelled, “Just ****ing drive the car!!!” Which made me start to cry, as I said, “don’t yell at me, that doesn’t help. Can’t you just be nice to me?”

T asked what happened then, if H apologized. I said no, he didn’t then or later. That we just ride in silence for a while. T asked how long, saying even 5 minutes can seem like a long time in a car. I said longer than that. How part of me wanted to just be like, “forget it, we’re going home.” But that I pushed through that part. T asked what that meant. I said pushing that part away and telling myself we could still have good evening, which we ultimately did.

I said how it probably sounded like such a stupid thing, not even a fight really. T said how often many fights in a marriage might seem silly if you look at them separately. But they’re often part of a pattern. I said yes? And that was an issue with MC, how he tended not to consider the patterns, to just say we got through it.

T referenced H’s “anger issues,” saying how when people have those it feels like they can’t control their outbursts. But they can-it’s just difficult. He gave analogy of boiling water—boils at 212 F. If someone is already up at 180 degrees, something seemingly small can push them over the edge. He said it’s similar to anxiety in that way.

I clarified whether he was comparing H’s anger to my anxiety. I said I feel like with my anxiety, if I hit that level it’s more turned inward. Whereas H’s anger goes outward. T said I fo tend to over apologize when anxious, right? Like as a way to lessen anxiety. I said yes, to look for reassurance. He said how in general though, I tend more toward flight or freeze while H goes for fight. I agreed.

I asked how to deal with it. T said one way is to be aware of how I’m feeling, when the level is getting higher for me. And then take steps to reduce it, like deep breaths, etc. I asked what I could do regarding H’s anger. He said can help to be aware if he’s escalating. I asked if I should let him know if I sense he is. T said he couldn’t answer that without H sitting in front of him. That it could make him escalate more. He said if I were to talk to him about it, I’d want to handle it with finesse. To give some thought to how I’d bring it up.

I said how it’s also hard when H yells at D, especially when he’s cursing at her. I gave recent example. T said if that happens, H needs to “make it tight” with D, like apologizing. I said I wasn’t sure how to handle it with them, how my instinct is to jump in and protect her. T said that could potentially upset H more, if it seems I’m undermining him. I agreed. So we didn’t yet come up with way to handle that.

I said I wished MC had helped more with this issue. How he just seemed to think H’s expressions of anger were fine, and it was just me overreacting. T said, in a snarky tone, “yeah like punching things is OK” (referring to MC saying he’d also punched a wall when H did and it really upset me). I said I wished H would see different marriage counselor but he’s not willing right now. T said maybe in time. I asked if any benefit to briniging him in for session or two, and T said he didn’t know and “life is long” (not sure what he meant by that).

He stood up, saying, "I'm going to turn the AC a degree colder. I shouldn't have worn a long-sleeve black shirt when it's warm out." I said, "Well, it was kinda cold his morning." He said he still should have known better, sitting down and rolling up his sleeves. It was odd because I wasn’t warm (though was in short sleeves), and I tend to be sensitive to heat in general.

Nearly out of time. I asked for more suggestions on handling H’s anger. How I’d he can’t control himself when he’s in that state...T corrected me that he CAN control himself—it just might take a lot of effort. That he is responsible for what he says and does and he should be able to control his behavior. Which made me feel more validated.

Scheduled. T said he wanted to make sure that the twice weekly was still working for me. That I could keep coming twice a week as long as I wanted, he just wanted to make sure it was helpful. I said it was, how I feel like if we ended up just talking about random stuff every other session, wouldn't make sense. He agreed and said he hadn't thought it had been like that. I said no. That I probably wouldn't want to go forever like this, how maybe at some point I'd try to do twice a week every other week, if that made sense. He said, "Whatever would be helpful to you."

Stood up to pay. T: Remember not to use those tissues! Me: Right, thanks! I put them in trash can and joked about wet spot on floor. Went over and paid. We shook hands as he said, "I'll see you Thursday?" I said I'd see him then. Then he said, "Oh, and have fun at the concert--that's tonight, right?" I said yes, thanks. And for him to have a good one.

T told me she is going to a conference and leaving me.

Edit: BUT she did schedule me for that week before the other people! So there!

Hang in there I'm glad you finally found a doctor who took you serious, but I'm sorry it turned out the way it did.
I understand that those feelings feel botemless, I really do. I hope that expressing them might still provide some relieve in the long term

t and I have a regular Sunday time now.. noon every sunday

my session went well btw

yay! your T is awesome DNA, and I will always be here to remind you of that.

yes he's awesome and I luff him


...right now at least

I have a health worry. So we talked about that. There's not much he can say really but I told him anyway. He said I have been sensible in going to the docs and he's glad I haven't been fobbed off and they're doing tests. He also said that even if blood comes back okay I can still pursue it and ask for more conclusive tests. I appreciated that because it's easy to feel disempowered when dealing with doctors.
I brought up a few sessions ago when he frustrated me by being quiet and not engaging when I wanted to talk about a professional issue.
We hashed it out a bit and I said I realised that it wasn't me wanting him to be my supervisor that got in the way, it was that there were feelings attached to what I was saying and he didn't engage with the feelings like he would have done with any other subject.
He said he was conscious of thinking "stay in therapy mode". I said "you didn't manage that very well or we would have gone to the feelings". He said true.
I said it made me realise how I bring narrative and if it feels safe enough I turn to feelings. That's what I did with the health stuff at the start of this session, and that's what I had done with the professional stuff but he hadn't responded well so I didn't get to the feelings.
He said something about bringing that sense into the room and I said it's tough because it's so deeply unconscious at the time, I had only realised why I was upset about it on the drive home.
He said it's useful to make note of this stuff as it comes up. I told him I write every week about the session and I read him last week's In Session Today post.
I told him that reminds me I hadn't told him at the time that I imagined him looking out for me when I was a kid, if he had been there. But I said i probably wouldn't have appreciated it. I talked a little about how social services had been called on my mum for the conditions I was living in with her and when the social worker came i just lied till they went away. I didn't want to be protected because I felt like I wanted to protect my mum. We talked more about all that.
Time was up. We hugged. I felt flat about the whole session and the hug felt a bit flat too. I just felt a bit deflated and down. Don't really miss him yet, weirdly.

So, I had my fist session with my therapist today - my first one. I was so worried about being negatively judged I had made myself sick for the most part of the day.

I instead found her office very welcoming.

She has in her possession a great eclectic collection of earthy items. These are things I recognse from various spiritual beliefs and practices. Things like crystals, stones, feathers, smudge bowls, singing bowls (which we used), etc. I was in a way comforted and relieved.

I told T how important it was that I made such a realization last week and that I felt somewhat vindicated and that it helped me understand myself so much better.

THEN I said an "accidental" word (or Freudian slip), not sure which. I was so embarrassed. I know T noticed it as he seems to notice everything. We talked about it and he said humans make embarrassing mistakes. And he told me that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I hate when I analyze every little thing I do/say. It's like I can't help it. I don't know if it is just paranoia and I just need to get over it. I don't know what it is real or not.

My t has some of that kinda stuff too. She doesn't have a singing bowl that I know of, but I bring mine sometimes to use! All of those things are very comforting to me as well.

I'm glad you felt comforted and relieved.

Today's session was heavy, this week has been hard. Family member has been hospitalised due to mental health, which is uncommon here in the UK, although they are now home. Had a lot of discussion about that, and how I do not feel able to offer support to others at the moment whilst in the midst of my own storm. Unusually short summary from me, I know...but I am feeling exhausted.

In session today, my T and I worked on talking about a high stress topic in chunks, making sure no one else was figuratively in the room for me or for him. It was elating, we communicated so well. Lately, I have been working on being vulnerable, and doing things T's way, trusting him with the wisdom to guide us. He is never going to be a warm, fuzzy T who texts with me or embraces Therachat. I am never going to know his worldview on many things, or why he hung that specific artist in the waiting room or the way he thinks about the people walking on the streets below his fourth floor window . He seems to help me organize my mind, and slowly learn to protect myself from a scary situation, and I often feel connected to him and that he thinks deeply about what we are both saying within the session. So it is accepting that, that I am on my own all the rest of the time, and figuring out why that hurts when I have a sensitive BF and a busy job, great dogs etc. It seems like I have separation anxiety from T at times, and like no one else will do in terms of feeling basic safety or even the feeling of wanting to live and not escape nightmares any way, any way at all . Whatever I might say or do or think or feel about that, T is out of the game. He just is all about sesssion time, and doesn't see his responsibilities as exceeding that, and he has reverence for sessions. It is like the Rolling Stones song I am pretty sure I get what I need, but never ever get that I want

Today we talked about how bad my thoughts of suicide were getting.

I think he was quite worried I might do something stupid.
I kept saying I'd want to say good bye to him if I decided to do it. T kept asking what he should do if that happened, but I didn't know. He told me that if I let him, he'd call a hospital to admit me and we'd figure out how I get there, he'd not let me go alone. But he is not legally allowed to detain me and force me to go to a hospital. I promised that I'd always tell him before doing something stupid, and that I'd let him admit me if it were to come to that. In return he promised to still see me after that, and that at most we couldn't see for a week or two. I forgot to ask him whether I could at least call him once, I think I'll do that next time. He promised he'd trust me if I ever said I didn't need to be admitted. He also said he'd care if I died, which was nice to hear.

I feel a bit bad I mentioned that I was scared he'd abandon me like 5 or 10 minute before the end of the session. But we still managed to more or less talk about it. He told me to call him in case things get worse before we see each other again.

My therapist merely mentioned out loud that maybe my mother did her best for me and it has triggered this huge reaction. I have now texted to say i will NEVER talk about my mother with her.

I just can't believe she is one of "them" one of those people who insist my mother was doing her best for me and loves me, it is gaslighting at it's very cruelest.

Session today was good: productive. He said it was nice to see me after a longer than anticipated break. He asked how things have been, and I said terrible. That it had been so long that I didn't know where to start. "Well, start at the beginning until you get to the end, I guess." I said that the beginning is a blur. Too much time has passed. I told him why this week has been a dumpster fire. "Well that's descriptive imagery." He said he was sorry. It did sound like a really bad week.

Then I told him what happened last weekend. He was writing furiously at this point. He said he understood why I reacted the way I did. I laughed because I don't even understand why I reacted the way I did.

Then he asked how I was doing so far. Sessions after breaks can be difficult. I said it was okay thus far but felt awkward. I can't really get into why. It would identify T. It brought up the conversation about boundaries. I said I'm generally able to respect other people's boundaries, but setting my own was difficult. Ended up taking about a thing at work where I've been avoiding interacting with someone because I provide services for her son.

T was very helpful in helping me brainstorm some professional ways that I could set the boundary with the coworker in a way that isn't inappropriate.

This led into a conversation about how I use work as a coping mechanism. That I don't assert boundaries at work because it allows me to be busy to the point that I don't have to think about much else. He recommended that I find something else to heavily occupy my time in a different arena until I can develop more healthy coping skills. We discussed physical things like me doing more cross stitch or going to the gym more often.

Then he made the comment about how it seems like I am beyond busy and was I minimizing that? I said I was at the peak of the roller coaster. The drop is just beginning. He said that sounded both exhilarating and terrifying. I agreed and told him about the shuffle at work. Where and what is everyone teaching next year? I know what, but with whom is a question I don't have the answer to. That's assuming that I have a job next year.

He pushed me on that. Why wouldn't I? I told him a rumor that I heard about one of my coworkers who is possibly being put on an improvement plan if testing numbers are bad. I had to explain why improvement plans are bad. How my principal practically decided not to hire the long term sub when he heard that her admin wanted to put her on a plan. Plans can kill teaching careers.

I talked more about testing. They moved up the date from next Friday to Wednesday, which is very bad personal timing. I ended up this week making an appointment with a pdoc to discuss anxiety medication, but now I'm probably going to be highly activated because of testing.



I said I was concerned that the pdoc would want to hospitalize me. How that would practically get me fired. T said that I should take my safety plan to show that I have something in place if I was that concerned. How if it comes up that he wants me to call him. "If I don't answer, keep calling. I'll know it's serious. I know you well enough to know how important your career is to you. I don't want you to be hospitalized."

I sighed and looked off into the corner of the room. "What's on your mind, Daisy?"

"Nothing. I'm oddly blank."
"First day back and blank is okay. You've acclimated back well."
"How so?"

Apparently I needed a lot of micro pauses at the beginning of the session. But now I seemed more comfortable. I said that it was nice to have a second set of eyes to obverse things like that. That I was too subjective and needed objective eyes.

Sat in silence for a minute. I didn't know what to talk about. He said we had about 15 minutes. So I said the only other thing that popped in my head was the event from last weekend, but there wasn't enough time to delve into it. He said he agreed and thought it was good insight. I shrugged my shoulders lazily but said nothing. "Too tired for sarcasm?" I laughed and said that sarcasm indeed required more mental energy than I had.

He asked me if I wanted to make a note about the thing to discuss later. I said yes because I couldn't figure out why I'd reacted as viscerally as I did and I felt like it was important. He said he agreed and wanted to tell me that was also insightful, but at this point it would sound derivative.

I made an aside and thanked him for not being stupid. I know that I've been smarter than a lot of my therapists, and it was nice to have him be able to keep up with me. He said he appreciated that and replied that he enjoyed me as a client because I am so insightful into my experience.

I said I had some questions about EMDR. I want to go down that road. What steps lead to processing and when will I know that I'm ready. He answered the second question first. That I'll just know, but he's also using his knowledge to help pace our sessions toward that as the goal. He then said that he'd want to do more discrete practice on containment strategies and emotional regulation. He'd want to know that if I became very disregulated after processing that I'd reach out to someone for support, be that him or someone else.

I told him that I'd had the impulse to call him last weekend after the thing.
"Why didn't you?"
"I was afraid that you wouldn't answer and I would not have handled that well."
"I'm going to write that down to discuss later. Would you agree that's important to explore?"
"Yes."

He asked if I'd been satisfied with his answers about EMDR. I said yes, and he said he was glad I was considering it. He said he's not been pushing EMDR, though, because he's felt like we've done really good work thus far without going down that road.

Session was about over, and he said that he'd like to try to schedule earlier if possible next week. He wanted to be there for me around the pdoc appointment and state testing. It works out that he'll be able to see me directly after my pdoc appointment. So I'll have two appointments to discuss on Tuesday.

Today was nice. A somewhat lighter meeting than I expected, which maybe I needed after last week. There was also a bit of teasing and joking, which I enjoyed. I like it when he laughs.

I asked him if he'd ever been in therapy or supervision, and he said yes. I asked him whether he'd had to talk about something that caused him intense shame. He said yes, he knew what it was like, though that feelings were different for everyone so he can't say he felt exactly the same thing.
I asked him about whether I'd caught him off guard last week or whether it was something he'd kind of already suspected or figured out. He said it hadn't surprised him, but that he'd been impressed that I'd done research and brought in an article detailing the issue, and that he doesn't think he's ever had anyone do that before (said kind of teasingly) and I joked that he was lucky I hadn't written a full report complete with a works cited section.
Without me asking, he told me that he'd also experienced transference towards his therapist. I have mixed feelings about personal disclosures and I'm not sure I would want to know any more details than that, but I really appreciated that he shared that with me. It made me feel slightly less ashamed and abnormal, and I appreciated that he was willing to share that with me. I feel a bit closer to him because of it. It's hard to describe without making it sound weird or into a bigger deal than it was, but it kind of felt like we shared a moment when he told me that.
He also said he thinks transference is normal and common it just doesn't always come up in his work with everyone because it's not always relevant to whatever they're working on.

He wants me to focus on my underlying feelings and beliefs about myself that result in me self harming, and to be better about keeping a thought record.

He thinks that Bad Idea Guy is a bad idea and that I should believe that I deserve someone who's not still prioritizing their addiction over everything else. Though he thinks that spooning with Bad Idea Guy is preferable to cutting.

Right before I left I asked him what he did his PhD in and he told me. I was surprised. It was not at all what I would have expected, and I kind of respect him a little more because of it.

Time to start the countdown until the next session... 7 more days to go...

Sounds like a really good session, Rat (I hope it's okay to call you that - it is a compliment from me since I think rats are wonderful intelligent creatures!)...

My T made a similar disclosure to me when I first started seeing him and was worried about how he would judge my feelings about my previous T. And I felt like you - it was incredibly comforting to hear, although I am generally suspicious of that kind of personal self-disclosure.

Anyway, I don't think it's weird or that you're making a big deal of it. I can definitely relate.

Also... Yeah, I always count down too. There's this website called tickcounter.com where I create an hour-by-hour countdown... Except I haven't done it this week, 'cos I'm annoyed with T and hate him and never want to see him again etc.

T today. He was wearing glasses, when normally he just wears contacts. They were a bit hipster-looking, which seemed to fit with his general aesthetic. And a floral button-down short-sleeve shirt (not like Hawaiian floral, more subdued).

Sat down. He said he hadn't gotten any e-mails from me about grad school (PhD program I'd interviewed for 2 weeks ago), so he guessed that meant I hadn't heard anything? I said no, nothing. He seemed disappointed. Said how he felt really anxious to find out, and he wasn't even the one who'd applied. Discussed that a bit, like how I'd basically written it off, then they'd gotten up my hopes again by calling me in for interviews. I said how it was almost like, someone broke up with me, then a few months later said maybe they wanted me back. T said it's really weird I used that analogy because that was actually what one of his clients was talking about earlier today. I said that was odd....

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I guessed we should discuss some stuff from my e-mail to him, like about the being known thing maybe? I said how I'd appreciated his apology and being self-aware. And how I felt like my standards were kind of low because of ex-MC. How he probably would have gotten defensive and shifted the blame onto me. How maybe he'd have denied saying "honey." And how I appreciated that T didn't do any of that. How T probably thinks apologizing is just a normal human thing to do and is puzzled as to why I'm making a big deal about it. He seemed to understand.

I mentioned how ex-T had denied saying things before. T said he might say, "I don't remember saying X." I said that was different--with ex-T, she said she knew she didn't say x. How it felt invalidating, like she was denying my experience. T seemed to get it.

He went back to the "honey" thing (where he'd said, "I'm much older than you are, honey!") He said how sometimes in therapy, things are really heavy, and he has to be really careful about what he says and how he reacts. That he has to be very aware that he's the clinician talking to his client. He said he felt right then was one of those times. I said I didn't really think so (that it was heavy right then), but OK. He continued, saying how at other times, it's lighter. Like, for example, if we were discussing the hockey playoffs. Or how it was at one point last session. And in that case, it can often feel like it's just two people talking, rather than clinician-client. How that's something he needs to be more aware of.

I said that I understood and that liked how it was lighter at times. How I wouldn't want to be in there sobbing the whole time every session. T: "That would use up a lot of tissues! Especially with the fizzy waters spilled on the floor" (referencing something from last session). I laughed and said yes, would use lots of tissues, then glanced at floor and said was good water didn't leave a mark. That he should be glad I don't drink coffee during session.

I said I used to drink iced tea in sessions with ex-MC, then eventually realized it was making me more anxious. T joked about that, like, "I'm feeling anxious, let me have some caffeine and get more jittery!" Which led me to comment how I'd looked at my heart rate via Fitbit for my interviews a couple weeks ago, and it was pretty high the whole time. T said, "What, like 70?" Me: "No, like in the 'fat burn' level." T was surprised. I asked (I know, silly question!) if I was actually burning more calories by being anxious, and he said no, was just my heart beating faster.

I noted that out of curiosity, I'd looked at my heart rate for last session, and it was also elevated. T found that interesting. I then looked down to do something, and T was like, "Oh, I thought you were about to check your heart rate there." I said no, but I would--it was 100. T was like, "Oh, wow." He asked about my resting heart rate, I said it was generally mid-60s to low 70s. I said I figured his was really low (being an athlete). He said was about 52, to which I said "Wow, OK, that's really low."

I said I figured I should pick some actual topic to discuss, how I know beginning had been disjointed. He said was OK. I mentioned the "feeling known" thing. T said he'd considered that (in relation to age thing) because I had commented multiple times that I felt ex-MC really knew and understood me, how that was clearly very important to me. I said yes, and it made it much more painful when it felt he no longer got me. That it was the same with some friends and exes.

My mom came up, how I tended to feel like she didn't understand me. Talked about her, my grandfather came up (he died when I was like 8), how I didn't really know much about him and their relationship. How I'd wondered if he may have been an alcoholic (they built a big bar in their house and we used to toast with a particular bourbon in his memory at Christmas). I said how my main memory of him was visiting him at work and him complimenting my "green shoes" when actually they were red. T said how that showed he was playful. I said I guessed so. (I didn't say this at the time, but it occurs to me that I'm drawn to both partners and male authority figures who are playful...)

T said it could be helpful to find out more about her childhood, to ask her about it. I said how she was kind of the "responsible one" of her siblings, we discussed how maybe that affected her later on, including as a parent (especially since two of her siblings with almost 10 years younger, so she helped care for them).

Discussed how my mom clearly has anxiety issues. How she seems to want to present a certain face (literally--wearing makeup--and figuratively) to the world. How that may be due to her anxiety (which she'd never admit to). T said how everyone has certain core values, and he'd be interested to know what my mom's are. I asked if she would know, and he said probably not, that most people aren't self-aware enough to know. But they show up in how people interact with the world. He said could give me better understanding of my mom. And that mine seemed different from hers.

I said how in past sessions, he'd mentioned how understanding my mom more could help me. That it could help me have compassion toward her. I said that at first, I felt like that was just invalidating. Like, trying to explain away my mom's behavior instead of thinking of the impact it had on me. T seemed to get that. But I said as I thought about it more, I understood more. How if maybe I understand what was behind it, I wouldn't blame myself so much? He said yes, that in understanding her more, I can put things into context better. I said that made sense (I was kind of quiet and thoughtful during some of this). Like, if I understood she was really anxious on the inside, it would explain why she projected much of that onto me.

Was end of session. Scheduled, then I went over and paid. He shook my hand, saying "Have a good week" as I said "you, too." He said, "Hopefully I'll get a positive e-mail from you this week" (referring to the PhD program), then, "It's been an hour, maybe you got something?" I said, "No, actually I checked as we were scheduling." He slumped his shoulders down and gave a sad look. I said, "Maybe in the last 2 minutes?" He smiled and said "Take care," I said, "You too" and left.

LT
I'm still so amazed how you remember everything so well, I wish I could. Most if it fades by the time I leave the building

It's nice he cares about the program. T's do care about their clients and want to see good things happen to them. It's nice when they do. My T has been that way often about jobs I apply for, gets hopeful and excited and then disappointed when I don't get them.

Maybe next session you will have good news to share with him.

My therapist was a bit pushy about socializing and making friends today. I just answered his questions calmly and without arguing or sounding defiant. So it worked out. He seemed to agree with me that my Zoloft caused me to become asexual. You’d think a health professional would deny that. At least the ones I’ve dealt with before him.

We just had a pretty good conversation. The session was fine. I felt better leaving then I did coming in. Which always means it was successful. I felt comfortable enough to wear sandals. I haven’t worn sandals to a session in 8 years. I don’t like people I know outside of family looking at my feet.

I like this guy well enough, I just don't think of him or therapy when I’m not in it. So I guess that’s a good thing?

We finally played a game together today, that was fun and we got a bit of my phobia work done. Made out a somewhat plan for the other phobias, we are gonna try to get through them all by end of summer. That would be cool, but then I'd have to quit or deal with my intense feelings for him... sigh....

We also did our walk as usual. Nice session. Feeling better about things again

Pdoc appointment was terrible and very upsetting. Don't feel like talking about it.

So I go into T and he asks how things were. I said today was a dumpster fire. He replied that his phone didn't ring while I was at the pdoc office, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

We talked about pdoc briefly. I said I was disappointed because I wanted a benzo prescription, but making that request on the first appointment would have been weird. He agreed and then climbed on a soapbox about benzos. They're an avoidance measure. I threw up my hands and said, "yes, exactly!" I don't want to feel my anxiety. Who does? He sighed and said that ultimately the true help would be processing through the stuff that causes the anxiety.

Then we talked about work. Work was very bad today. One of the students on my caseload got in serious trouble, and another one required me to write an emergency IEP. I did zero actual teaching today. The state test is tomorrow. "Ahh, there goes that feeling of lack of agency."

He said that it sounded like I did good work despite the challenges I was faced. "But what does my opinion matter?"
"Your opinion matters. You're like the avatar for everyone else in my life that says similar things."
"Well, that's boring! If I'm saying the same thing as everyone else, then what's the point?"

I went onto explain that I need to hear that I'm good from lots of different people. That I can't ingest good things about myself. I told him about how my student teacher was in awe of how I handled myself today. He asked why I didn't think I could accept the praise from my student teacher. I said because I don't feel like I'm worthy of the praise. That I hold myself to an unreasonable standard that I can't attain. That I'll never be good enough, and that's why I work myself into the ground. Because I'm not worthy of self care.

"Okay, are you ready for a meta conversation?" I was. "So when I said being the avatar was boring, without missing a beat you went into this whole story about your student teacher. It felt to me like you were telling the story because you perceived that you'd hurt my feelings by calling me the avatar. So you obviously care very deeply about other people. You care about your students, but you don't care about yourself. Fine. But what good are you going to be to your students if

I sat for a minute silently. He asked what I was feeling. I said conflicted. It was a good stop gap thought to get me through the night. But what about tomorrow? When do I care enough about myself to take care of myself for me? He said we'll work on it. It comes in time.

It was at this point that he said given our conversation on Friday, he wanted to make a more concerted effort to incorporate some EMDR stuff so that we could start to get ready to process. Spent the rest of the session installing a safe place. I wasn't expecting it to work, but I felt eerily calm afterwards. It wasn't a bad feeling at all. Just new and unfamiliar. T said when you spend your life in a state of hypervigilance, calm can be unsettling.

As we wrapped up, he said he was excited to see me next week. I asked him why. "Well I want to hear everything! There's a lot up in the air for you right now. How will your students do on the state test. Will you take the antidepressant? Will your safe space work? It's a nerdy therapist thing that happens sometimes."

I started by telling him about a dream I had about emailing him asking to blur boundaries. We discussed that a bit. I said on some level I probably do get frustrated with the boundaries but not in any real way because I need them.
I told him how hard missing him so damn much is for me. I told him it was particularly difficult on Monday night cos I had a bad day. He seemed quiet when I was talking about it.
I went quiet and he asked what was happening. I said I wondered what the point was of telling him all this. I said I wanted to tell him about the happy stuff that happened yesterday but it was work related and after last time I didn't want to talk to him about work stuff. He looked like he was almost smiling. I said he looked like he wants to smile. He said he felt like that had been a bit of a wind up. He asked if I wanted him to persuade me to tell him. I said I think it's more deliberately withholding it to kind of punish him for not engaging properly before.
I said that I hadn't felt very connected to him for the last few sessions. That I felt like he wasn't engaging with what I was saying and he was being quiet. He said he is deliberately quiet when we're talking about the relationship to allow the space for me (or something). I continued talking about the desire to tell him about the work stuff and the fear given his ambivalence a couple of sessions ago. He said that while it's obviously important, going over everything with a fine tooth comb sometimes feels like being in treacle. He said sometimes talking about the relationship feels profound and helpful, but this feels like having our feet in treacle.
I suddenly felt very angry and sad. I told him so. I was fighting tears and felt my lip tremor as i talked.
He asked me what I wanted to say with my anger. I said "I pay you £40 a f***ing hour to sit in whatever treacle I want. Why do you get to decide when it's helpful and when it's treacle?". I said i felt like he was lying when he said he was quiet to allow me space - he's just impatient. He said it felt like treacle way to him, it doesn't mean it's truth, and that yes, he had been feeling impatient. He said he felt disconcered because he hurt me and he hadn't meant to.
We sat in silence for a while and he said "I'm thinking about something you said to me a long time ago. You were worried about developing transference towards me and you asked me if I knew what to do if you did. At the time I said yes. And I think that's what's happening here. I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm not delivering." I asked what he's not delivering. He said "I'm not helping you through the transference". That helped me to understand where the frustration was coming from and I no longer felt judged. He said "I think a layer to my silence is that I don't know if what I am saying will hurt you. I don't want to hurt you.". I said that his presence and engagement in my therapy is what I value the most. We both take risks and that's why it works. He said it's a paradox. I said yes. I reiterated that we both have courage and he has modelled courage and I value that. We looked in each other's eyes for a couple of minutes. He asked if I was feeling okay. I said yes, and I was feeling the positive part of loving him.
We stood up and hugged. Then I left.