In Session Today: Part IV

Today, we talked about sex. Specifically, my history with sexuality.
And that's all I'll say about that.
Fortunately, I go back tomorrow.
I feel pretty awful.

I saw my previous therapist I had switched back to after trying out a new therapist for 2 months. I don’t know why I ever complained about her. Maybe seeing how bad the old guy was really changed my perspective. Kind of like that all that glitters is not gold thing.

I just filled her in on what had gone on these past two months. She was very supportive and didn’t try to force any resolutions on me or anything. We just caught up for 45 minutes.

She didn’t even recognize me in the waiting room. I’ve cut my hair really short, got these big framed glasses and have lost 10 pounds since I last saw her. When I walked to to her office, I had to go through the group that was going on. Everyone was staring at me and I was ignoring them and not paying attention but she noticed and said “I don’t think anyone recognizes you.”

I Just felt really great going back to her.

Had a really difficult but healing session. T has given me homework on rediscovering my values. She says I value honesty and love.

We talked a bit about the parental role she takes on in our therapy. She said she does love me in a parental role. I told her I love her like a child loves a parent.

Continuation of sex topic today, including some topics of deep deep shame and self disgust. It meant a lot to me that, at the end, C said "there's going to be some fallout from today." It meant a lot that he knew that - recognized that. It actually is making the fallout less, honestly.

We talked about some of my memories/flashbacks that I get before sleeping each night. The one currently bothering me the most is seeing me cry in my bed at night when I was 13 years old. We talked about that one, which made me really sad. He asked why and I said because I don't have any friends or people who talk to me. When we talked about how I was probably traumatized by things from my past, he asked whether I ever feel sad about that, as opposed to feeling sad about the actual things that happened in the past. I replied that that has never happened so far, I always just get sad about the past stuff.

After talking for a while, I started to get worried that he might get mad at me. I told him, and after a bit of silence he asked whether there had been any people who constantly got mad at me (it's a reoccurring thing for me that I worry about this). So we started discussing a teacher of mine (one of two), who had approached me after finding out that I had a crush on a friend of mine and was rejected (same sex). She had offered that I can talk to her, but after doing so for a while, she abandoned me, or rather behaved so horribly that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. T asked what she had done, so I mentioned the worst thing in my eyes which was telling me she doesn't believe what I told her. T wanted to know what that story was, so I told him how at a family reunion, my grand-parents went on about how a gay relative of ours was a disgrace for our family (due to being gay), and everyone else that I consider close family joined in. And how I went to my room and hurt myself after hearing that. And then a day later I was told by someone who told me I could come to them with problems that they didn't believe me.

T was very understanding of how bad that must have felt. He also mentioned that maybe the teacher felt overwhelmed by the situation. Which of course doesn't make her behavior okay, but at least it's an explanation.

It felt really good talking about all this. I'm glad he let me stay a bit longer than usual so we could discuss everything in depth without rushing.

T Friday. Started awkwardly because someone else in waiting room thought they had my time slot, so T had to talk to him briefly to straighten it out. I stood in hall while that happened, and when he headed back, I was like “are we OK?” He said yes, he had me on schedule but may have been his mistake with guy. But he was coming back later.

I told him I’d listened to the Flight of the Conchords song he’d mentioned last session ("Business Time"--which may seem like an odd song for a T to mention, but it connected very closely to something I was discussing regarding H). I said he was right, it was really funny. T: "It's a perfect depiction of suburban married sex." Me: "Yep." (Me, in my head: Well, T, you're married and live in the suburbs...so...) He mentioned how the same guy was a character in "Moana," that the song he did for it was still funny, but in a different way. I said, "More child-friendly?" T: "Yes."

I said we’d gotten our fuel tank (for heating fuel oil) replaced that morning (old one was leaking). I said how night before I’d told my mom and she was like, “Why didn’t you just switch to gas? You said oil is expensive. That’s what we did. I didn't realize you were taking care of it so fast.” I said this was just what we’d decided (later confirmed with H that there are no gas lines in area, so not option anyway!)

I said it made me (and H) feel like my mom didn’t trust us to make good decisions. She also questioned why we went with that company (we’ve been working with them for 14 years). Did we even really need new tank? I explained more about situation to T. He was like, “So it sounds like your mom didn’t know anything about the situation at all.” Me “yeah I guess you’re right.” He said it seemed like I felt I had to justify it to her. I said I often felt that way about things, how she doesn’t trust me to make decisions and be an adult.

He asked if I wanted to talk more about my mom, since this seemed like a pattern. I said OK. But that I had the list of possible traumas I’d experienced with me and had it last time too, felt weird that I was carrying it around with me. T: “Do you want to give me the list, so you don’t have to carry it around?” Me: "OK, I have another copy. You can look at it if you want." T: "I’d rather wait and go over it with you. I can just put it in your folder for now." Me: OK [hands it to him].

T: Did you sort it by “capital-T trauma” vs “lowercase-T trauma?” Me: “no, by category.” T: “OK, you’d mentioned doing that.” Me: “but I’m not even sure if I’ve experienced ‘Capital-T’ trauma.’ I feel like maybe I’m just reacting too much to smaller things. Like other people had it so much worse, enduring stuff like [a couple likely triggering things that I won't mention here]. So I feel like I shouldn’t react like this when others went through that stuff.”

T: “I think you’re being too hard on yourself." Me: "Thanks." T: "Different people deal in different ways with things.” Me: "Like someone could have gone through a really rough childhood and come out fine, while others might not have gone through much and still struggled?" T: "Yes, kind of like that. You could also say that everyone has strengths in different areas. You may be stronger than someone else in certain ways." Me: "Like, I've had insomnia all my life, so I just am used to managing on less sleep. While H will only get 6 hours and act like he can't handle the day." T: "That's a really good example, actually."

I forget what I said next, something related to how I still feel like I reacted too strongly to the traumas. That I feel like I'm weak. T: "I would actually say you're resilient. You've dealt with various mental health issues, and you're still here and still trying to work on it." Me: "I've never thought of myself in that way before. I guess I could see that." T: "I can definitely see that, your resilience." Me: "Hm...."

Shifted to talking about my mom. T said I seem to interpret some of her comments as not thinking I'm competent or can handle things on my own (it had come up before, too). But they probably say more about her than about me, that they're about her own anxieties and issues. I talked about her having to put a good face to the world, like literally wearing makeup and sort of keeping up appearances. Discussed that a little.

I mentioned how my mom was always saying I had to be sure to call (or e-mail) friends back quickly, that I should try not to cancel plans or decline invitations because people might not invite me anymore. I said that in thinking about what T had said...I wondered if maybe that might actually be reflecting her own fears of losing friendships? He said it could be.

I said I knew we were almost out of time, and he glanced at the clock, seeming surprised (he hasn't seemed as good at keeping the time the last couple sessions). Me: "So...is the whole idea of this reframing stuff with my mom and thinking that it's her anxieties that are causing her to say and do these things...that it would ultimately make me feel better about myself, because it's about her and not me?" T pointed at me and said, "You got it."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Went over and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Have a good weekend. I'll see you soon." I said, "You too." As I was walking away, he said, "It's Thursday, right? Have a good Friday, too." Me: "Thanks for saying I can also have a good Friday! You too."

I wasn't emotional at all during session, but had a delayed reaction a few hours later, just sitting and crying. I think it was about his saying I was resilient, because I've never thought of myself in that way before. Like, ex-MC once said "You're not as frail and fragile as you think you are," but that had a different connotation (since it implies I am still frail and fragile to some extent), and at the time I didn't believe him either. But I feel more ready to believe T. Not sure it's because of how he's saying it or because I trust his assessment of me more (since he tends to be honest vs. ex-MC maybe just wanting to reassure/make me feel better) or because it's just that I'm ready to hear it now, when I wasn't a few years ago. Probably some mix of those things.

Sent T a brief e-mail later that day mentioning that reaction (and that I wasn't looking for response, just getting thoughts out). He replied a couple hours later saying he looked forward to talking about it more on Monday and that in the meantime, maybe I could "do a little looking/asking about resilience." Which, I'm not sure if he meant looking inward about it or reading outside info on it, or perhaps both? So trying to do that.

my t has said I am resilient. I never really agreed with that because I struggle so much still. but thinking about it now I guess I basically am. I'm still getting up every day and functioning (most days). I feel like that's just surviving though. white knuckling it

Today we had an extra session which we had scheduled because I have just gotten back from a 1 week trip and he's about to head off on a 3 week trip.
When I came in I spotted that he had already put a letter I had asked him to write for me, to help me during the break, next to where I sit on the couch. I didn't look at it or acknowledge it. I was nervous to mention it.
I said I was anxious because I was putting myself under pressure to make good use of this session. He asked what making good use of it would look like. I said making sense of the disconnection. I said maybe the break would help to 'reset' what is happening. He smiled and said he's thinking of restoring factory settings. I said yeah. He asked what I wanted from resetting. I said to feel the connection when I look in his eyes again. He said "you don't feel that now?" I said "I feel like you're holding something back." I told him that a good example of the disconnection was last session when I told him about my dream (about him avoiding me) and he just said "I don't know what to make of that". I said I felt shut down.
He thought for a minute and said "Nah, I don't buy it [factory reset]. I don't need to go back, I need to go deeper." I asked what going deeper would look like. He said, lets look again at the dream. I described the dream to him again and this time he thought deeply about it, mentioned different aspects of it and we explored together what it all meant. It felt great and I felt like he was back. We looked at the dream for so long that half the session had passed.
I went quiet. I said "this is me remembering that this is the last time I'm going to see you for 3 weeks and 4 days". He asked what the feelings were. I said a range of feelings, but there's definitely a part thinking "please don't leave me". He looked at me tenderly. I said "I will miss you".
We sat for a bit longer, said a couple of other things that I can't remember, then he said "I have no doubt that I will think of you from time to time, and wonder how you're doing. I guess that is me saying I will miss you.".
I said "Do you think I will be okay without you?". He thought and said "Yes, I do think you will be okay without me, but I'll also worry about how you will be without me". He said I have built up a lot of resilience over these last few years. I started laughing becausa a couple of friends and I were talking and they both said their therapists called them resilient this week. I told him why I was laughing and said "that makes the hat trick".
We looked at each other for a long time. He asked if I noticed the letter. I nodded but didn't look at it. I said that I wanted to give the part of me a voice who wants to say "Will you come back?". He said "Well, I'm planning to". I told him that when my mother left the family home when I was small, I was told she was going away for the weekend, then she never came back. T said it's easy for him to forget that it was my mother who left. We briefly discussed who I lived with and when. He seemed to have been under the misapprehension that I had lived with my mother at some other point after that.
We came back to looking in each other's eyes. He did that thing I love when I look away, and he tilts his head to catch my eye again. I looked at him again, I said "I love you" and he sighed deeply.
We had come to the end of the session;I picked up the letter and put it in my bag. We stood up and hugged. He made and mmmmmmmm noise when we hugged which he's never done before. I liked it. We were still hugging as I said "I will miss you" and he said "mmm".
After we hugged, I remembered he had emailed me saying that I needed to sign something this session, to do with data protection, I reminded him and he said "I'm glad one of us is organised" and he handed it to me to sign.
I said have a good holiday, he said thank you, we said goodbye and I left. I read his beautiful letter in the car. I will post a redacted version of it here as a separate post.

...

I may ask for this to be taken down in a few days, so if you reply to it, please don't quote it.

Echoes, its a fine letter!

Thanks! I know

Echos...
That session post and letter brought a tear to my eye. It is very touching... I hope that it is helping you and that it is what you wanted and needed from him. I love that your T is so open and honest with you.

Thanks Thala. He has always been honest and vulnerable but also steady and reliable, he has exceeded my expectations with this letter. I'm sure it will help me

I'm glad it went so well, echos. Maybe you could print this out and keep it in case you get doubtful during the separation?

eta: nevermind. I hadn't seen his letter when I wrote this.

That's an awesome letter, echos. I wish I had that kind of response from mine, but it is a very different kind of therapy and is not to be for me.

Thanks Ruh Roh

That letter is full of sincerity, tenderness and feeling, and is so honest.

Thank you Esme. I'm glad you mentioned sincerity. That's a good word for it.

Because my T had been so anxious about how I would feel about the letter, I decided to email him:

echos, what a beautiful letter.

when t and i at whatever point end, i am going to ask her to write me a letter... i only hope that she says yes and will do it with as much grace as yours did.

Thanks art, I hope so too. My T has set himself quite a high standard for an ending letter!

T yesterday. He was 5 minutes late to get me, very unlike him (he's usually extremely prompt). Went back and sat, and he apologized for being late. Me: "It's OK, remember, I'm used to ex-MC" (who was often 15 minutes late or more). T: "I just haven't seemed to be able to end sessions on time today." Me: "Well, it's Monday." T: "Other Mondays I do fine with it." Me: "Well, plus one session runs late, it probably affects the others." T: "No, in this case it's me." Me: "OK."

We started by talking about a conversation I'd has with a friend regarding the past session. I told T that I felt awkward talking about this, but...she'd said some very negative things about him and my relationship with him. And I kept thinking about it. That I knew she was just trying to be protective of me and look out for me because T had hurt me before (the transitional object thing), but it was still hard. Won't go into further details here, but we discussed it for a bit. T mostly just listened (not getting defensive or anything). He said he understood why it upset me, since the friendship was important to me.

T asked what sort of description I'd given of our sessions...did I think it was accurate? I said how I was more likely to share things that had bothered me or that struck me or that I found to be funny. How I knew she wasn't in the room with us for sessions, so she can't really know everything that transpires here. T: "I was about to say the same thing, actually, about her not being in the room." Me: "Yeah."

T: "It's like the image I have of H. I just know what you tell me, so I probably have a very 2-dimensional image of him, and both dimensions are as translated by LT." Me: "Yeah, and I'm more likely to describe the disagreements, the negative stuff." T: "Most people are. So I don't have a sense of what he's truly like. Maybe there's stuff you don't even know about him." Me: "Yeah. I mean, maybe ex-MC didn't have a true picture of us either, even though he saw us both together." T: "Exactly, because you tended to bring your problems in there, the negative." Me: "Yes."

I said how over the weekend I'd reread his long e-mail response from a couple weeks ago, from when we were dealing with the stone and transference stuff. (Adding I hoped he didn't think it was weird I'd reread his e-mail. He shook his head no.) I said it just really felt to me like he was trying to look out for my best interests. That even though part of me wanted certain things from him, like some of what I'd had with ex-MC (the frequent reassurance, texting, etc.)...I also realized that maybe those things wouldn't be so good for me in the longer term. So, I think he is genuinely trying to look out for me, rather than him just not wanting to deal with it. T said he was glad that I realized and understood that.

I said how I feel like, since I've gotten out from under ex-MC, it's like I'm also seeing transference/attachment differently. That before, I used to think, if only I'd been seeing ex-MC as my individual T, then we could have worked through all the transference, and everything would have turned out great. But that now I'm thinking...maybe it wouldn't have turned out that way. That maybe I'd still be seeing him 12 years from now, being dependent on him. How maybe working through transference can work for some people, but it would have to be a really skilled T, probably one trained in psychoanalysis, maybe psychodynamic...not that I was trying to say ex-MC wasn't skilled, but...T said he understood what I meant.

T tends to play with his hands a lot (perhaps he's just mirroring me!), and I noticed partway through session that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I tried to just push it out of my mind, thinking, "I'm sure he just forgot to put it on, or else took it off while washing his hands and forgot to replace it or something." I think after ex-MC, I'm just extra observant of that sort of thing. Plus his saying he was being off in his session timing that day. (Yeah, I know, this is me trying to take care of him or something...) Hopefully he'll be wearing it Thursday.

Anyway, talked more about the stuff with my friend. How I'd gone into conversation looking for a particular thing, like, was I reacting so strongly (positively) to his comment on resilience because of a or b? And she gave me reason z, which wasn't something that was at all in my mind. I said I knew this was something that had come up with him before, where maybe I'm telling someone something, hoping for a particular reaction, or at least way of reacting (like validating vs. giving advice), and then am bothered or hurt when they don't give it to me. So maybe this was sort of like that? T said it could be.

I brought up example of my mom, telling her about, say, a bad day at work, and how she'd mention something I should have handled differently. Which was not what I needed at the time, I had just wanted someone to listen and maybe empathize. T said since I'd used that example of my mom (so going back to my past), it made sense that maybe I would be afraid to bring up certain things with people, for fear they'd also be critical of me. That I might be hypervigilant about their reactions to things. I said that made sense.

I asked if it could help to let someone know what I'm looking for from the start, like, "I don't want advice, i just want to vent." T said that could potentially be offputting or could make the other person be inauthentic, if they felt they couldn't really share what they were feeling. I said that made sense, but then how should I respond if someone isn't reacting the way I'd hoped? Particularly if it's upsetting me. Do I just let them keep going? Tell them it's bothering me? Change the subject? Just walk away? T looked very thoughtful and said there wasn't an easy answer to that.

I said how recently, I've come to realize that when I'm talking to people about, say, their therapists, that I'll listen and validate them, but I tend to avoid being critical of their T's. Because I now realize how that isn't necessarily helpful. It's like telling someone you don't like their partner--that person isn't going to leave their partner unless they agree and feel they want to. Or that someone needs to leave a job that's making them unhappy.

Then I said I've really always been that way with people (friends, partners, etc.). How I'm more likely to just listen and validate than to express opinions about the people/situations in their lives. That my ex-best friend used to appreciate it because she said her other friends would be critical of who she liked or was dating, but I'd just listen. T found that interesting.

T: "It seems kind of like you're 'giving the love you want.' Is that an actual saying?" Me: "Well, I guess it is now! Sounds like a song title." He said it sounded similar to something in The 5 Love Languages, where you tend to show your partner love in the way you wish they'd show it to you, but not necessarily in the way your partner wants it. I said I'd read that, and what he said made sense. And it's like maybe to me it seems obvious what I want from people, since it's what I'm giving them, but they may not realize that. This felt like a big revelation for me...(I mean, maybe it seems really obvious from the outside, but...)

I knew we were about out of time, but I quickly told him about going out with some new (female) friends Friday night. How I'd met one of them on the Facebook page of a local autism group (I noticed something flash across his face as I said that, and I suddenly wondered if maybe his wife could be part of it, since their son is on the spectrum and they live in the same county as me--I know T said he isn't on social media, but the group also has some in-person meetings, which I have yet to attend).

Said I'd chatted with her on Messenger about IEP (school) stuff, and she invited me out with a couple of her friends Friday. That my first instinct was to say no and come up with some excuse, but I went and had fun. T: "Why was your first instinct to say no?" Me: "Social anxiety. Meeting new people. But it turned out well, and I even went on a walk with one of the other girls at the end. So, really, I just wanted to tell you something positive I did. That I seem to be doing better and taking more chances socially since I've been working with you." T smiled and said, "Good, I'm glad to hear that."

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday. Paid, as I commented that the session had been kinda meta, but also helpful. He said "Good!". We shook hands, as he said, "Have a good week!" I said, "You, too." Then as I was about to leave, he asked, "Still nothing from [PhD program], I guess?" Me, "No." Discussed that for a minute or two (T was standing at this point, but didn't seem to be pushing me out the door, since he kept talking, too--I guess that was part of his "not ending sessions on time" thing...). I said, "OK, I should go." T: "OK. I'll see you." Me: "See you."

I didn't have a session, but T said she would call me and she hasn't. I bet she has forgotten. I hate myself.

Edit: T didn't forget me. I am such an idiot.

OK decided to go ahead and share the full content of "talked about a friend's comment" part of yesterday's session. So, replace that part in my earlier writeup with this:
I said I guessed we should talk about resilience. T: "Oh right." I said I was debating bringing something up because it felt awkward. But it was bothering me, so guessed I should bring it up.

I said it was related to what a friend had said about a reaction I had to last session when he said I was resilient. How I'd been trying to figure out why I reacted the way I did and had asked her--I had been thinking maybe it was something about the fact that T had said it (as opposed to ex-MC or ex-T, the way he'd said it, or just that I was ready to hear it now (don't think I mentioned those to her before I asked, I forget). She responded that maybe it was just that I was looking for any crumb of kindness from him after he'd been shaming and nasty to me before (about transitional object). I said to T I didn't feel that way regarding him. And her saying that made me feel like I was being pathetic.

T: "If it helps, I don't see you in that way at all." Me: "Thanks...though I guess that could be seen as more kindness crumbs. Or maybe in this case, a whole bagel...or muffin or whatever baked good."

I then told him that the friend said she was saying that because--I said again how I felt really awkward sharing this with him--but that it reminded her of abusive relationships she'd been in. And how that comment had really upset me and been kind of gnawing at me since we'd talked Thursday. That I didn't feel that way about my relationship with him, but...the comment still was affecting me. So I felt I needed to bring it up to him. When I said all of this, he was just listening intently, not really reacting (though he did maybe look a little sad).

T said he understood why it would affect me like it did. I said the friend had said she didn't see how he could be helpful to me as a T anymore. But that I disagreed with that, since I felt he'd already been helpful to me since then. But it didn't seem to matter what I said to her, she said that because he'd hurt me, she couldn't just overlook that. T said how she sounded very protective of me. I said yes, which I appreciated. But...if I could move past something, if I'd worked through it...why couldn't she understand and accept that?

T said he understood the importance of my friendship with this person. How therapy is largely about relationships, and relationships are a very important part of life, So he gets how if I feel I can no longer talk to this friend about therapy, it could really affect me. He also said he would have understood if I'd opted to terminate with him because of what she'd said. I said I didn't want to do that, that I wanted to keep working with him.

OK, now it goes back into the earlier IST posting.

Weird. If that were my friend, I'd be like "uhhh, you are way off track," and agree to disagree i guess.