In Session Today: Part IV

(((LT))) Thanks for sharing that, i get that it wasnt easy to write. Sounds like your friend has her own issues with abusive relationships - are they ever really completely resolved for anyone? Plus, i like the way you talked things over with this t, instead of just demanding an apology like with ex-MC.

I dont understand apologies. If something is SO egregious that i would demand an apology? I would be long gone before that would ever happen. I would ACCEPT an apology, but i cant see demanding one. Isnt that like wrestling and making them say "uncle"? It seems like its playing an abuse game.

Anyway, my point is, and i do have one, that i think its safer to play this game with a t, so you can call each other on it. As you did. Which i think your friend doesnt realize. Instead of denying the issue exists, or searching for a "perfect" t that doesnt bring up uncomfortable feelings, cuz thats not so perfect, really.

I missed the letter and kinda wish I saw it- but I'm glad it was able to bring you comfort Echos.

Wish I saw the letter, Echoes.

I'd love a letter from my T but don't dare to ask for one...

I would share it with you both in PM but I wrote it straight into PC and didn't keep a copy of the text, unfortunately.
Thanks Lemon <3

Went well. We worked on legit plans for 2 of my phobias and social skills stuff. Things are great with us again. It's a weird but cool feeling that someone didn't actually give up on me

my session with t was last Sunday. we mostly talked about parts and motivations for sabotage. t helped me to see why it would make sense I would try to sabotage. we drew parallels from my past and the different parts. I talked to him about how I messed up any chance of getting promoted. he said that is why the child can't be in control.

it was a good session/conversation

T gave me a card. T sat with me while I stared at her tissues, willing myself not to cry. Told her was having really negative thoughts about myself since my dog died. T asked what I was doing with those thoughts. I was hoping she wasn't asking what I thought she was askin g, so I asked what she meant. She asked was I SH. So I said yes. I also admitted to the SU thoughts. T got me to contract with her for when I feel like maybe I might act on the SU thoughts. I didn't point out that if I decided to do something, I wouldn't tell anyone. I also refused to tell her what my plan is. I think maybe that irritated her a little bit. Whoops. Maybe should have said have no plan, but I try to be truthful. T thinks I should have another dog, but I can't afford it. My dog that died was one I haf since I was a kid, so she was a family pet and I could count on my immediate family members to help support her vet costs because she was seen as their responsibility, too.

T told me she sees me and that she thought that made me uncomfortable but know that she sees me. Gross.

Tightly focused session today; deep but not quite as I had intended.

‘How are you doing?’
‘It has been an interesting week.’
‘You often say that, and I wonder what it means, because it isn’t “I’m OK”’
‘We got interrupted at an important point last week.’
‘Yes.’
‘I was about to say that I feel like my life has become about the avoidance of pain.’
‘Oh?’
‘Since my experience at pottery, something has changed. I feel like a turtle without a shell.’
‘And before you were a turtle with a shell? You’ve lost that sense of safety?’
‘Not totally, but something has changed. On Tuesday, I received an email…A while back, I was helping a friend in Chicago with her PhD dissertation on virtual mourning. I know her godfather through a ukulele forum, and he thought I might have something to add based on my experience with Chris. She’s in the field of anthropology, so it is all anonymised, but the first chapter is my experience. We talked a couple of times over Skype. When I reached the point on Tuesday night where I thought “It might be better to stop here”, I had reached a point that I didn’t even remember telling her. That was mine.’

‘That was yours. I am wondering how that was to read.’
‘I haven’t finished yet. I am having to take it in very small chunks, as it is bringing stuff up.’
‘I am also wondering about your retelling of your experience. When we first started speaking, I remember you had the timeline and it was very anecdotal, there was little emotion.’
‘I presume she recorded our conversations, as there are a couple of references to me sighing…and when I sigh in conversation, I am trying to get away from something. Why am I telling you something you already know?’
‘It’s OK.’
‘I was under no illusion that it would help, but I was surprised when I closed my eyes and I was still in that ****ing bathroom.’
‘So, it refreshed everything ‘
‘Yes, absolutely. I feel like a turtle without a shell.”She called me into the bathroom to help with something…’
‘Your voice even changes when you say that. I am here looking at you, and your body language is over there. There’s a connection now…’
‘I think it is because I have only ever been alone with it. I don’t know how to be anything else.’ I reached for R’s hand.
‘Is there something different now we are physically connected?’
‘I feel less like I am going to lose you, less like I am leaving you behind.’

Still holding her hand, I talked about how receiving the email in January 2011 had been ‘the realest’ of those experiences. After two weeks being unable to reach anyone, with a growing sense that something must have happened. I talked about my sense of my choice being taken away, and told the critic to ‘Please **** off.’

‘That was very strong what you just said…and I don’t mean the language.’
I told her what was going on, and she asked whether I felt I had a choice at the time.

‘No.’
‘In the last ten minutes you have projected forward into the future and told me that you can’t envisage achieving what you want to, and back into the past. Can I ask what you are feeling right now?’

‘I feel like I want to run. When I am in that space at night, it feels endless. There is no way out.’
R asked me what running might look like…I wasn’t able to answer the question.

I mentioned the intense physical and emotional pain when I am in that place, and talked more about how I fear what is on the other side of that line…’but how do I know, unless I allow myself to cross it?’

‘There are places where I can let my guard down. I need to learn to use them.’

We closed by talking a bit more about music as a trigger – I mentioned Florence and the Machine’s new single, and how it seems to be everywhere. R suggested that I might play with that a little, and find ways to explore that place safely.

Putting a trigger warning (SH and SUI) up here since I think it's silly to put half the post in a trigger box.

Normally T will ask about my week first. This time he asked me what had happened to my leg since there was a large bruise there. I said I bit myself when I couldn't calm down after fighting with my partner. T wanted to know more about the fight, or rather how I fight. Whether I insult people, scream, damage everything around me... I said I'm more of a calm person, I just say mean things and argue even if I know there's no point or that I am wrong. He also asked what I was thinking about it, that it happened. I think I'm doing much better now than I have been doing a while ago. Had to clarify that better means I'm doing it less. It's kind of just one slip up on the way of getting better I think. T made sure to stress that biting is one of the worst things to do due to infection risk.

Then we talked about why I actually got so stressed out by the fighting. It was pretty easy to figure out (due to the content of the fight) that it had to do with feeling like nobody wants to spend time with me and that I'm being abandoned by everyone. Which is the same thing as always, really.

We went on to talk about how I'm drinking more again, and smoking weed constantly. And that I'm thinking of suicide more again. He wanted to know what I meant by 'more' (it's a pretty constant thing with me that I think of this). I said I had read up on some things. There was a study a while back on people jumping from bridges, like which bridges in the country they go to most often, at what time of day they jump most often and so on. T wanted to know whether there's any in our vicinity. We both laughed about the fact that there's a ranking of most popular bridges to jump from. I also told him I had put a rope around my neck a few weeks back to 'see how it feels'. I think he was a bit worried by that. He told me again that I can call him whenever I have such thoughts. He asked whether I think that I'd just do it impulsively if it happened, or whether I'd plan it. I said there's no way I'd do it without planning, since there's things I'd want to do before dying. Most importantly I would like to talk to him one last time.

At this point I got a bit sad, and we talked about the importance of actually feeling the emotions instead of just reacting to them and getting engulfed in them. T assumes that I couldn't process my feelings properly when I was traumatized and it made me get kind of 'stuck' in this way of feeling - experiencing everything very intensely, and not really feeling things at all anymore. And that safety can come from the fact that one can feel the emotions instead of 'being' the emotion.
After that we practiced looking at each other a bit, which was nice. It felt much more comforting than a few weeks ago when we last did this.

T yesterday. Went back and sat down, as he said, "It's a nice day out!" I replied, "Do you mean that seriously or sarcastically?" He said he thought it was nice. I agreed (I think I'm just used to his sarcastic comments about our weather lately!). I said it was, which was good because I was going to an outdoor concert that night. I mentioned how I was meeting my friend there (had originally planned to go alone), how I'd been finalizing plans with her via text in waiting room, that we were both looking forward to it. T: "Marvelous."

I said I guessed we should figure out what to talk about. T said I'd brought up in last session what my friend had said about our therapeutic relationship. Did I want to talk about that any more? I said I was mostly good on that, had talked briefly to that friend, but nothing about therapy beyond "I had a good session." PC came up, and I started to mention a poster on here, then was like, "I shouldn't use names." T: "I can 1,000% guarantee I will never look on Psych Central." Me: "OK, thanks. I mean you might find it to be very enlightening. Or it could be really frightening to you, seeing all those people discussing therapy." T: "I'm not going to take that chance." Me: "Probably a good call."

I said maybe we should discuss more childhood stuff, since he'd said before he wanted to have a better sense of my childhood. He said yes, how that would help him understand how my mom affects me more. I forget how we got on this, but he mentioned how kinds will generally rebel and push limits. Not just teens, but younger kids, too. Me: "So...like what my D is doing right now?" T: "Probably." He asked what sorts of things I'd done to push those limits. I shared a really lame story about being a teen and intending to go to a R-rated movie with a friend in the city, then getting to theater, getting freaked out, and heading back to the suburbs to see a PG-rated movie. T was amused.

I said I was trying to think of stuff from earlier in childhood. I sat there a couple minutes. I said, "I honestly can't think of anything. I mean, I mostly just hung out in the house and read and played. Like I saw friends and things, but I don't think I really pushed any limits with anyone. I was generally just...compliant." T: "Maybe you found that was what worked for you, following the rules. It got you something." Me: "Yes, acceptance. Like I did well in school, got positive response."I was kind of the 'good grandkid' too, not that there was a whole lot of competition. Like my grandmother's favorite." T asked about that more. I mentioned spending nights there, hanging out with my grandmother and her friends, playing Tripoley (for pennies). T smiled and said that sounded like a nice memory. I said yes, though I suppose she could have set me up for a gambling habit! I mentioned watching "Golden Girls" with her, too, which also made him smile.

Me: "Something just came into my head. When I was struggling with the separation anxiety, like right after my mom had cancer, they dropped me at my grandmother's. I really didn't want them to leave and tried to run after them. But my grandmother held on tightly to my wrists

Like I didn't feel accepted by her then. Even if she was doing it for my own good. I have no recollection at all of what happened that evening, if I had fun, if I spent the night." T: "So just that particular moment stuck in your mind?" Me: "Yes. Just that moment. It's kind of like the couple times I was clinging on to my parents' car at school and they were starting to drive away. I have no memory of what happened later at school."

I forget what else we said about that. I brought up something that had plagued me since early childhood. How as far back as I could remember, I had feared throwing up or seeing other people getting sick. How if I saw someone get sick in school (or elsewhere), I would have flashbacks to it, keep replaying it in my mind, maybe almost like PTSD. T said that's an anxiety thing, playing something again and again in your mind like that. He described it a bit more, but I forget what all he said. One part was how if someone had contamination fears (which I also have), then they might keep replaying touching a banister, worried they'd catch something from germs on it. I asked if it could be an OCD thing, and he said more anxiety because just thoughts (which...I know there's some overlap and there can be pure O OCD). I said but what if I did things like wash my hands frequently and avoid sick people because of it? He said then could be OCD.

I mentioned I still struggle with the issue, the emetophobia. Like when H and I were first living together, and he got sick in the night, and I tore off down the stairs, rather than making sure he was OK. I was like, "Yeah, I was being nice and nurturing there." T laughed. I said I used to not think it was very common and would never mention it but have read more about it and learned it's not as uncommon as I'd thought. How I'd been relieved to learn some friends had it, too.

T said yes, it is pretty common, that he can think of at least 5 clients he's had in the past 10 years with it, to different degrees. Like one always wore gloves to avoid germs. Another wouldn't eat chicken for fear of salmonella, but that didn't hugely interfere with their life. I said I also didn't eat chicken but it's because I'm vegetarian--though maybe that played some role in my becoming vegetarian. T: "Have you gone back to eating romaine lettuce yet?" (referring to recent big outbreak in the U.S. of E. coli from it--the really bad strain that can lead to kidney failure.) Me: "No, but more because it's such a dangerous strain."

T talked about natural aversion to those sorts of things, how certain smells innately disgust us, and it's intentional because it's to keep us from getting sick. He went on to list a few such scents. Then: "Why am I talking about this exactly?" Me: "Well, it kind of tied in." I said I'd heard that's also part of why sense of smell is so strong during pregnancy, as a protective thing, and T said he'd heard that, too.

I glanced at the clock and saw we had maybe 7 minutes left. Me: "There was something kinda related I was going to bring up...but we're almost out of time, I don't want to bring it up now. Because it's an awkward thing to discuss." T: "That's fine, you can just think about it, bring it up Monday if you want. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want." Me: "OK, I'll think about it."

I said I guessed we'd veered a bit off of topic of my childhood, but actually not too much. T: "I think this has given me a better sense of what you were dealing with." Me: "OK. The thing is, on the outside, I probably seemed normal. But there was all this stuff going on inside that I hid." T said for some reason he was amused by my "I probably seem normal on the outside" comment. I said, laughing a little, that I guessed it was kind of a funny way to say it, especially because maybe I don't actually seem normal on the outside. He said I seemed normal enough to him (or something like that). I thanked him, but then said he might not be the best judge of that (or something like that, I forget).

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Paid, shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "You, too!" T: "Oh, and have fun at the concert!" Me: "Thanks!"

Got on elevator and went downstairs. There's a coffee shop on the ground floor, which had recently added seating outside for the summer. As I was walking out the door, I noticed ex-MC sitting with another T from his office outside (their office is across the street). I panicked, turned, and walked quickly in the opposite direction, taking a very circuitous route to my car (no idea if he saw me). I guess it was lucky because the session before, I'd parked in a spot right in front of that table! (Guess I would have just had to hide somewhere till they left in that case...)

Shortly after I got home, I ended up e-mailing T what I'd wanted to tell him at end of session (it's a personal thing I'm not going into here, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with T, transference, anything like that). I had realized (and said this in the e-mail) that it would probably take me a whole session to get it out, and I know I could type it up and hand it to him, but the thought of sitting there while he read this and waiting for his reaction was excruciating. That I wasn't asking for a long response, just wanted to share a thing or two that we could discuss Monday. And that it might be nice if he said "I don't think you're a freak, LT," but I also knew he'd be honest with me, so I supposed I was taking a risk.

I didn't say this to him, but I intentionally sent the e-mail shortly before I was leaving for the concert, figuring I'd be occupied with that and seeing my friend (which I was!) instead of checking my e-mail. He wrote back while I was there, though I didn't see it until a couple hours later, saying, "Hi LT--I can understand why it would be tough to share this in person - and no, I don't think you're 'bizarre' and yes, this will be something worth talking about. See you next week!" Which was pretty much exactly the response I was hoping for. (Note that I'd also used the word "bizarre" to describe my fear of what he'd think of me in the e-mail, so he was actually quoting me.)

Thank you for sharing your session. I look forward to your updates LT.

Background for yesterday's session to make sense:
Last week we did my first EMDR processing. It was a very emotionally charged session. Escalated at the end, he kept me an extra 10-15 minutes to try to get me grounded.

Came in and he asked how I was doing. I said I was anxious and couldn't figure out why.
"Can I do a little test?"
"Sure."
"We don't have to do any processing today if you don't want to. How do you feel now?"

It helped a little bit. We talked about why I'd escalated at the end of the session last week. Was it related to the processing or something else? I said it was something else. Processing generally went well. A friend of mine commented on how a typical behavior of mine looked different on Monday that is related to the trauma processed on Friday. T asked if I told her about processing, and I said only after she'd made the unsolicited comment.

T asked if I was still anxious, and I was. He commented that like last session, I was tolerating my uncomfortable emotions like a badass. He said it seemed like I was getting more comfortable expressing the emotions with him. I agreed and told him about a dream related to feeling comfortable in the therapeutic space. He said the dream was interesting, but not much else.

He said if we weren't going to process that he'd like to comment on some observations he'd made in our work together thus far (4 months, wow). The first was that he's been impressed with my work and dedication to the process. He asked if I felt like I'm tolerating the anxiety and pain better. I said maybe? He called back to state testing last month and how I'd expressed a lot of anxiety at that time, but I didn't present that way.

I sighed and said I wasn't surprised. That happens in my life a lot. Everyone always thinks I'm better than I feel. T commented that I'm adept at stuffing down the emotions. I agreed, and added that it wasn't incongruent or deceptive, but if I expressed everything I feel, then I wouldn't be able to function.

"Was that what was going on last month?" I nodded. "Then I'm sorry I couldn't see your pain, Daisy."
"It doesn't matter. No one ever does."
"It matters to me."

At this point I was curled up with one of the couch pillows and began to cry. We sat silently for a while. Eventually, T asked if the amount of emotion I was expressing was congruent with what I was feeling internally. No, it wasn't. "I wonder what it would feel like if you could fully take the lid off the emotions." I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to. I tried. I guess I got close to being able to cry my pain.

I got to the point that I didn't feel comfortable anymore, so I self soothed to stop crying. T asked if what I felt then was similar to what I felt at the end of the last session. I thought he was talking about me escalating, so I said no. He said he wasn't sure we were in sync.

"I've noticed when we're scheduling and paying that you're kind of...flat isn't right, because it's not affectual. Guarded, perhaps? Disconnected?"
"Well yeah, because we're done. I'm leaving."
"And?"
"In here I'm honest and vulnerable and emotional. I can't do this out there."
"You know what the next question is. Why not?"
"Because this is when I get hurt. If I were emotional and vulnerable the world would eat me alive."

As soon as I said it, I realized the gravity of what I said. "Wow."
"Yeah, wow."

I started to cry again. T said that certainly he wasn't the only person I could be vulnerable with. I said of course not. We discussed the black and white thinking that train of thought exhibited. I looked at the time and there were only a few minutes left. I said I was done. I didn't want to tap into anything else. He helped me ground, paid, scheduled, and left.

I disconnected when I walked out the door.

Sounds like a good and powerful session, Daisy. Hope it's OK to comment on one thing.

Your T's comment about how you seem guarded/disconnected when you're scheduling and paying (which is very observant and insightful of him!) made me think about how I am with that. Like often when I'm paying (since T has to run my credit card, takes a minute or two), I'm just chatting with him about something lighter (occasionally I'll continue the conversation, but not usually). I think for the same reason you do it, that I then have to return to the outside world. He said recently how he has thought sometimes I was fine (whether with him, how the session went, emotionally, etc.) at the end of session, then would be surprised when I e-mailed him later or else expressed something at the next session that suggested I wasn't. And he wondered if maybe he was misreading me.

So now I'm wondering if it could partly be how I am right at the end, that I likely seem fine--it's a rare occasion that I'm still emotional when I walk out the door, though I sometimes start crying once I get in my car (or later that day). So maybe he's reading how I am then, when I'm trying to push the feelings back down and act like everything is fine, because, if I'm out of time, what's the point of letting him know then that I'm/they're not?

This might be something to bring up with him on Monday...because I also have a long history of pushing down my feelings, acting like things are fine. I still remember an acquaintance in high school commenting how I'm always smiling, and I kinda laughed to myself, because at the time, I was deeply depressed.

I guess it's similar and different to what my T was describing. The connotation was that I'm not okay. That's why he equated it to last week (which I didn't write about). It's not that I'm emotional, but there's a lack of emotion. Which is why I think his first instinct to use the word "flat" was correct.

But I agree that having this conversation with your T would help you both get on the same page.

saw dr. t yesterday

got there early and read a bit on the porch. ts wife showed up with baby t. I walked in to use the restroom and saw baby t playing with stuff on the floor. I had an overwhelming urge to squeel and pick him up which is weird for me as I am not usually affected over babies!!! didn't mention this to t.

t came out and asked if I want to walk. I said no it's too hot and bright. t said it's not that hot! ts wife walked by and said it is hot

we met in his office. we spent most of the session about a letter I got in the mail from the SSA. which led to a good discussion about sabotage (again.. been focusing on that lately)

t said I think..... do you want to hear what I think? I said yes. t said he thinks that the part of me that stays stuck and miserable wants me to die instead of facing what happened to me (traumas).he said that includes that part attempting to make my existence so miserable that I kill myself. he mentioned drugs as a tool in that

never really thought of it that way... that the part is avoiding dealing w trauma and would rather die. I've been aware of the masochistic drive within me to stay miserable. but never really understood WHY

t helped me to see that today and I kinda have a new outlook on it. t always emphaszes being gentle with myself and these parts.

got a hug at the end and t patted my back and gave some reassurances

Edit: wrong thread.

T today. Not writing up full session in detail because the main topic was something really embarrassing and awkward, and even though this is an anonymous forum, still don't feel comfortable sharing. (I knew we'd be covering this topic because of an e-mail I'd sent him Thursday after session.)
T walked out to get me carrying a stack of coffee mugs to put in kitchen to wash (he has mugs and tea in waiting area). I went back and sat down, he came back and apologized for taking minute to do that. I said was OK and, "Another lovely day, eh?" (it's rainy). He sighed and said "yeah." I said how I'd gotten caught in a bad downpour last night while driving, debated pulling over on highway, but went with driving 30 mph with flashers on. T asked what time that was. I said, and he said, "We were caught in the same storm then, but on [different local highway]. It was pretty bad."

T: "Have you ever gotten caught in a bad storm while outside?" M: "Yeah, one time i can think of I'd been at a baseball game, was walking to [public transportation] and it started storming and hailing. The hail was hitting me on the head." T: "Yikes!" He shared story of being out in "wilderness" and getting stuck in a storm. "Sometimes the rain can be so hard, it hurts." Me: "Yeah it can be." (I think he'd figured out at this point that I was just trying to get comfortable enough with him to discuss the main topic, so he was playing along, sharing stories.)

Me: "So my D had this Letter Parade at her school today that we went to." Talked about that a minute. Awkward pause. T: "So I assume you want to talk about the e-mail you sent." Me: "Yeah...I hope you understand why I sent it. I thought it would be really hard to say in session, and the thought of you sitting here reading a printout seemed worse..." T: "What you did made sense. Basically, you didn't want to see my initial reaction." Me: "Yes, exactly. I wanted you to have already processed it before seeing me."

He asked where I wanted to start. I wasn't sure, mentioned a few different areas we can go in. I asked if he had thoughts. He said he knows he's normally more directive (he is!), but with this, he was trying to let me lead. Me: "Because it's a difficult topic, to make sure I'm comfortable?" T: "Yes." He said one thing that might be good to do is to share with him in person what I'd said in the e-mail. Me: "Uh...Is that to get me more comfortable with it?" T: "Yes, basically." I never really ended up doing that, but did discuss some portions.

Again, not going into details, but it felt like T was really trying to understand. Asking lots of questions, like, "Do you think it's more x or more y? Or maybe some mix of those?" He checked in with me once or twice to make sure I was doing OK. Early on, he said, "We don't have to talk about this any more today than what we already have, it's up to you." I said it was OK, I wanted to keep going (which I did).

At one point, I was reusing a tissue I had to wipe my eyes, and he said (as he's said before), "I buy those by the case, use as many as you like. You don't have to use every available inch of it." I kinda laughed and said I guessed I was doing that out of habit, that it was probably gross, my reusing a tissue. He said wasn't that, he just didn't want me to get an eye infection or anything.

Was near end of session, and I said I knew this was more than a one-session conversation, though I didn't know that it would be like the next 10 sessions or something. T: "If it ends up being that way, that's fine. It's up to you." I mentioned a few other directions that we could take the discussion, including a couple that were pretty much different areas altogether. He said we could talk about them whenever I wanted to, when I was ready. He asked how I felt session had gone. Me: "Well, I managed not to run screaming from the room, and you also didn't run screaming from the room, so good, I guess?" T kinda laughed and said, "I wouldn't run screaming from the room. Nothing you said made me want to do that." Me: "Thanks."

We talked a bit more, and I saw that we were starting to go over time, so I got out my phone to schedule, and he grabbed his. Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday. Went over to pay, as I was talking about school ending and D starting some summer camps the next week. T: "Aw, kids in camp are so cute." Paid, shook hands as he said, "Have a good week." I said "You, too." Then he added, "Stay dry!" I said, "Oh right," and went to grab my umbrella from the couch. It wasn't there. I said, "Hm, maybe I left it in the waiting room?" I turned to leave, as T said, "Take care." Me: "You, too." (Umbrella was on couch where I was sitting in waiting room.)

Today's session, we talked about touch in therapy.

It went ok, but I am a mess.

I don't have enough emotional energy left to explain everything, but basically, he said that hugs are OK - but no extended physical contact beyond 5-10 seconds.

We shook hands at the end for the first time; I wasn't ready to hug.

I did tell him I was not attracted to him; he did say, though, that while -- as he's said before -- he does not have sexual thoughts about me (the red line he will not cross), that he does have some physical attraction to adult me (or maybe it's best to say - he sees me as physically attractive) and, therefore, has to be careful about physical contact to ensure it never nears that red line.

I cried. I cried because ...because everything. Because everything hurts. I'm glad I can have a hug, but it's not enough - I haven't said it that plainly to him, but I can say that here. It's not enough.

This is the last email I sent him - I had told him I was overwhelmed by grief - he asked if I was grieving losing S (because I had extended physical contact with S that left me feeling safe in a way I'm pretty sure I'll never experience again).

Here's what I said; TW for some sexual 'themes' ish...nothing graphic.

No.
Grief about ... I'm not even sure what.
Grief because I feel untouchable. Dangerous to touch. Like people have to be so careful about touching me, because...because why? I feel dirty.
Grief because I'll never be able to just be small and be held and feel safe and not have to worry about things like...sex or physical appearance. My sexual history. Sexual anything.
Grief because I am not likely to feel that safe feeling I momentarily had ever again..and I had it so so briefly..and I desperately want it again.
Grief because you can't be my real dad, and I can't really be a child again, and that I waited and waited and waited for it to be safe, for it to be my turn, for me to finally be good enough - thin enough, smart enough, strong enough to be able to stop being afraid to cry or to make a mistake and to be held and protected and taken care of and loved only to look in the mirror and be in my 30s and have missed my turn. To never ever get to have it. Not in the way that I so desperately want it. I want it from the core of my being, and it hurts from the core too.
Grief because I did things I'm ashamed of trying to find it. And I can't take that back, I can't undo it, and it makes me feel dirty and bad. And it feels like everything in the world is sexual now. Like that's what I'm reduced to at times. Nothing but...idk...I could use crude language. I better not.
Grief because I'm tired, and I feel like I will never stop being tired. And also because I'm not entirely sure I can stop looking for safety - yes, external safety - because I'm tired of taking care of myself. And then shame, because I'm an adult, and I am my own responsibility, and taking care of myself - by myself or as much by myself as I can manage - has been the goal for as long as I can remember.
I'm tired. And I hurt. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's too much. It doesn't make a difference. I have to do it anyways. I have to function and be an adult and take care of everything anyways.

To top it all off...and I haven't told him this...it looks like I might have ringworm.
So, of course, tonight, the night we touch for the first time, I find that I might LITERALLY be dangerous to touch.
I just can't.
I can't breathe.
I can't believe I'm still existing right now, because existing feels like an impossible feat.
I don't want to be. I don't want to BE.

TRIGGER WARNING: (which is put in the trigger)










Oh man, therapy today. I had emailed her on Friday that I had wanted to cancel because I was afraid that all of my dark thoughts that I would bring to her would want her to hospitalize me,a nd I was scared. She asked me if I had scared myself?

I said yeah, a little. It was such an awful week, with the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, and the constant loop in my head of last year at the rally. I told her how I went a little over board on the cutting. Not in terms of how deep, but much more than usual in the same area, making it very difficult to hide. I told her I was glad today was cold.

She said it was one thing to think about suicide, but another altogether to be afraid you might actually go through with it. She asked me what percentage of me felt like doing it, versus the percentage that wanted things to change for the better. I told her it depended on the moment, and she asked about the current moment.

I told her it was 60% wanting to do it, 40% not. She said the past 6 months I've been on a decline, without any shift. Weight loss, and just my mood going lower and lower. She spoke with my psychiatrist last week, and she agreed as well. She also said that I need to decide if I want to make changes to help myself.

I told her that I think the only way I will be able to get myself out of this is if I do something drastic: either SU or I had been thinking of this recovery center we have in town. It is a crisis stabilization place with only 10 beds, and you can stay anywhere from a few days up to two weeks. I told her the idea terrified me.

Who would feed my cats? What on EARTH would I do about work? I don't like being around people I don't know, or anywhere that isn't my bed or couch. Not to mention the whole eating thing. We haven't gotten into that part much, but I did admit my weight loss has been more intentional than just depression and lack of energy.

She said she would try and visit the place this week, since she would like to get a feel for it herself if I was considering it, and speak with some people to get an idea of what it would be like. My job is to just keep thinking about it, and her job is to help me figure out what to do about work. She really is wonderful.

I like that she just jumps right in there with really difficult topics, and isn't afraid to ask me hard questions. She knows I won't just volunteer this stuff on my own.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like i am not "allowed" or deserve to go to this place because I still can go to work. It is difficult, and the past week or so has been hard, but I can do it, and do a reasonably good job. So, I am fine, right?

‘This week has been a bit of a balancing act. I’ll start with the good news. I got an e-mail on Sunday, and yesterday celebrated my first publication in two years.’
‘Congratulations!’
‘I originally pitched the piece to the Huffington Post, and they wanted it, but apparently not enough to help me get set up on the site, and you know what I’m like… I won’t say “Excuse me, can you give me a hand?’
‘No… How does it feel to be published?’
‘That is the other part of the balancing act. It feels great, but it is difficult to allow myself to feel that.’
‘It’s a new experience for you. Something you haven’t allowed yourself to experience before?’
‘It feels great, but it doesn’t change anything.’
‘You say it feels great, but great is not an emotion. Can you try to name the emotions you’re feeling right now in relation to being published? I sense pride…’
There was a pause as I checked in with myself.
‘There is a gap where emotion should be.’
‘‘There is a gap where emotion should be? You aren’t feeling anything?’
‘It is as though this experience has brought home the extent of my holding it together. All of my energy has been going into ‘Hold it together, keep it together, hold it together…’ and I am tired.’
‘As you said that, I got an image of you treading water…correct me if I am wrong, but I feel as though you have been doing that for a long time now, and that takes a lot of energy.’

‘You seem to have given meaning to two years. The first thing you said was ‘It’s the first time in two years.’

‘Yes, and when my grandmother asked me why so long, I said that I had been writing but not sending things out, which is true. It was like feeding the inner critic. The last time this happened, the last time I was published…I’m not a coffee drinker, but I felt that extra energy, that perkiness.’

‘Yes.’
‘And this time, that isn’t there. Last time, it was two weeks after everything went to rack and ruin.’

We talked some more about my belief that true creativity cannot exist without emotion, and you can tell when it is absent…and yet I believe that these people (my abusers?) do not deserve my emotion.

‘But if I put all of this into a box and come back to it later, at some point it will explode, and that will be square one.’

‘You will be back at square one, you mean?’
‘Yes.’

It gets a bit hazy now, but I talked about the pain, anxiety and anger I feel at night being emotions that I couldn’t deal with at the time.
‘And yet you’d expect that at some point my shoulders would release from around my ears.’

‘You’re holding a lot in your shoulders.’

‘My choice was taken away from me multiple times, with the first medical email, the January 2011 email and the photographs, and then finding that it was all ********…’

‘I wonder whether that was breaking point. I don’t mean to put words in your mouth.’
‘That was one breaking point. The other was in January 2011, but if I had broken then, I think it would have been even more fragmented and less safe.’
I said to R that the way for me to overcome this fear is to turn towards the thing I am scared of without input from the critic, and by keeping the conversation going.

Sigh. Where do I begin.

Today's session was sidetracked by the fact that I saw C's previous client coming out of his office, and she fell into that triggering demographic of mine. She was young...younger than I am...and thin and pretty. And I'm still not ok after seeing her...even hours later. I didn't tell C about it until the final 5 minutes of the session, but when I did, I cried. The jealousy is so intense.

I've sent him a follow-up email because I didn't get to talk much about it in the session. I really hope that I hear something in response, because I'm still in agony. I feel bad for being in such agony for so many days back to back...afraid he's going to get tired of it, tired of me, and stop responding. I literally feel hormonal - like I did after having my daughter - I cannot stop crying.

First, because we spoke about sexual things, which made me ashamed.

Then, because we talked about touch, and what I can't have.

And, finally, because I encountered this girl, and can't help but think he's got the same daddy-like feelings for her...and I feel unworthy and replaceable.

It hurts so much. I honestly want to ask him for another session tomorrow, because I am just not ok.

Actually, I just texted to ask for one. I really really hope he gives it to me.

Had T Thursday. Right after I sat down, T said, "You surprised me. I expected to get an e-mail after Monday's session. I wasn't sure what you'd say in it, but I figured I'd get something." Me: "Yeah, I admit, later that evening I thought about e-mailing you. But then I was like, 'No, I can handle this. I can make it to Thursday.'" T: "That's good. What did you do to handle it?"

Me: "OK, this may sound odd...but I made a list of some of the words that you and I said on Monday, like words that would normally bother me. Words I had trouble saying out loud--which I'm sure you could tell during session. And for whatever reason, it seemed to help." T: "Interesting. I'm glad it helped. That makes me think about how processing trauma can be challenging because it can be difficult to put words to what happened." Me; "Hm, that makes sense. But are you suggesting what we talked about Monday is a trauma?" T: "Not necessarily. But your reaction to the topic seems similar." I said, "Yeah, with having difficult talking about it, using the words. The shame." T: "Exactly." Me: "Hm...interesting..."

We then spent much of the session discussing various symptoms of my OCD (which is somewhat tied into what we discussed Monday). Like having to do things in certain quantities--buy 3 or 5 items at Target, not 4, for example. I tried to explain how sometimes I sort of get out of that one by saying "well this is a pair of socks, so that's kind of two items." T was really confused, thinking I was somehow only buying one sock, but I managed to explain so he got it. I said how I used to have lots of other things I had to do. But with some of that, I'd managed to push through and not really do it anymore. He asked how, and I said I wasn't sure, like I would just push the thoughts from my mind?

I said how I also felt I had to say certain things for fear something bad would happen if I didn't. Like, if I go into D's bedroom at night (whether she is awake or asleep), I have to say, "I love you [nickname for her]" before I left. And that the last thing I have to say when she goes out the door (like with H), is, "I love you [nickname]." Which I might have to repeat if H says something to me and I have to reply (I'll tell him I love him, too, just before D). T said that wasn't too unusual, how lots of people might think "What if this is the last time I see this person?" so they want to say they love them. I say I worry about that, too. He mentioned a friend of his whose husband was sick in the hospital. How she told him that she felt she had to think about her H all the time during the hospital, that if she wasn't thinking about him for a second, she felt like something bad would happen to him. (Hearing that made me feel a bit better.) I asked if the husband was OK now, and T said he was. I said "Good."

I said it was interesting that I felt OK talking about OCD now with him, because it used to be a big source of shame for me. How one session with ex-T, she was tying to say all the stuff I felt for ex-MC was basically just a symptom of my OCD, like obsessive thoughts. How all of that, plus some other stuff she said, really upset me because it was like she thought so much of me was the OCD. I said how I was shaking most of the session. T: "Oh, wow." I said it felt less shameful talking about it with him for some reason. (I didn't say this at the time, but I suspect part of why it was an issue talking about it with ex-T was negative maternal transference...Plus current T seems more accepting/normalizing of it and less pathologizing, like using the example with his friend.)

Something about my list of traumas (a literal list I'd typed out and given to him maybe a month before, with the plan to discuss it in the future) came up. T said how we had seemed to put that on the back burner, or something. I said I had discussed a few things from it, giving an example of something with my grandmother. But that I wasn't sure how to approach the actual list. I'd tried to go over much of it with ex-T in one session, and that had been rather overwhelming. So do I discuss it by category? Something else? We decided it would be a good thing for me to think about.

I said how I guessed this session hadn't really followed up so much on Monday's...but actually I guess it had, since the OCD theme tied in. T agreed. We confirmed Monday and scheduled for Thursday (I really need to ask T about his vacation plans because every time we go to schedule, I'm waiting for him to say he's going to be away that week...especially now that his son will be out of school after next week).

Went over and paid (forget what I talked about). Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" I said, "You, too!" He said, "It's supposed to be really nice this weekend, so get out and enjoy it--doctor's orders!" I laughed and said OK, that I would. Then headed out.

Felt good about things walking out and while running an errand, then got all weepy in the car and ended up e-mailing him that night (putting in separate post).

Here's the e-mail exchange (warning: long!)
Me (Thursday evening): "Hi Dr. T,
Today was one of those "All seemed/felt good to me in session, then I get all weepy on the way home" days (and I've been weepy off and on at home). I was thinking about why I didn't feel as strong of a need to e-mail you after Monday's session, and I think it was because you'd seemed so accepting of what I'd shared, and not disgusted or weirded out, as I'd feared you'd be. I tried to trust how I felt about your reaction in person and not think that the second I walked out the door, you were like, "Ewwww." I think I mostly managed to do that?

But then I thought about another way I coped Monday night, along with typing the list. I ended up hugging a stuffed animal for a while (an okapi--sort of a giraffe/deer/zebra hybrid that we got for D years ago at [local] Zoo store). I'm scared of how you'll react to my saying this, but at the time, I was thinking I wish I'd still had the stone because it would have been comforting to me (though I guess less so after our talk about it...).

I think that maybe part of why I haven't fully delved into the trauma list is that to talk about some of that stuff, I really need to feel safe and secure with you. I guess the whole [topic we discussed Monday] was a testing the waters in a sense. And it felt OK (if scary), you responded very well, were very accepting, asked some good questions, had good insights. And I really appreciate that.

But (you had to know there was a "but" coming), there's also part of me that feels that I have to hold back on talking about certain topics with you. How, if I keep it in certain lanes, it's OK and acceptable and all is good. I feel like I can talk about almost anything with you--as long as it doesn't involve *you.* And that's what concerns me. I'm not just talking about, say, attachment and dependence sort of stuff here. I'm also talking about things like thoughts about, "I wonder if you're having x reaction to what I'm sharing with you. Hm...Is this how I hope any [male], [male authority figure], [other category that you may fit into] person in my life would react? And what's that all about?" But I worry that you will think it's about YOU and get weirded out, so I don't bring it up. But then I think that's also hindering what I could potentially explore.

The thing is, despite what I may have said before, I really don't think this is about YOU in particular. I think it's about what you represent to me, which is someone who is safe and accepting and nonjudgmental. Who can just take what I say and hold it (or contain it or whatever the correct psychological term is). And then, from there, you can help me achieve those goals of being independent and stronger, having more faith in myself, building healthier relationships, etc. But it's like to get there, I first need that safe, secure base, and, ever since the whole stone thing, I'm not entirely sure I have that in you. I don't want to feel like I can talk about x and y with you, but not z.

I'm not talking about being dependent on you like I was with Dr. [Ex-MC]--that was a separate thing, a completely different relationship with its own dynamics. I'm not trying to repeat that, and I know you're not either. And I don't see any inklings of that developing here. However, in working through some of this stuff with you, certain emotions may come up. Your being accepting/understanding of things that others in my past weren't accepting/understanding of--that can lead to powerful emotional reactions. And I need to be able to talk about that, too, without fear of feeling shamed or worrying that you will be uncomfortable.

Sometimes after a particularly good/helpful/insightful session, my thoughts will go toward feeling safe and connected to you, and then this other part of me is like, "no, STOP! Must stay safely distant, so that Dr. [T] will be OK with it. Can't show any signs of connection." But then...I feel that's impeding my sense of safety and thus my progress. I need to feel safe feeling whatever I feel and expressing that. I feel like therapy is the one place I shouldn't have to hold back, yet, because of some things you've said, I feel that I need to. I don't want to have to feel that way. Does all of this make sense? I just want to feel that it's OK to express whatever comes up.

Thanks for reading. If you opt to respond in detail, I accept the charge.
--[LT]"

T (early Friday morning):
"[LT] -
This seems like a great topic for our next session. If you're OK waiting until then, let's talk about it."

Me (late Friday morning): "I suppose it does make sense to just discuss it in session. I think I'm just nervous as to whether you're going to be more like, "We've discussed this multiple times. This is how I am as a therapist--take it or leave it" vs. "I understand why this is important to you in terms of doing the more difficult work. Let's work together to figure out ways I can help you feel more safe and secure." (Or somewhere in between.) And some of that is hard to sit with until Monday. So maybe if you could just give an inkling (without a full response)?

Thanks,
[LT]"

T (30 minutes later): "[LT] - My intention will be to take an understanding view and to have a conversation about your needs with the focus centered on your well-being."

Me (an hour later): "OK, thank you. Hearing that makes me feel better about waiting until Monday."

T (2 hours later): "I'm glad. Enjoy your weekend!"

Me (an hour later): "Thanks, you too!"

I love how open and brave you are in your sessions and emails LT.