In Session Today: Part IV

Yes exactly that. It started with him saying he was "consciously reining himself in" when I was talking about a professional, and somewhat political issue. It felt he wasn't able to be real with me.
But now I am not so sure that's what's causing the disconnect anyway. I feel like I'm collating a list of examples of him dismissing or avoiding my attempts to talk about what's happening in the therapy room. It's something we've always done and he's always been very reflective. I don't know what's changed. It's confusing.

Could some of it be anticipatory grief for the upcoming separations?

T retrieved me and made a comment about the pattern on my shirt reminding him of a particular children's toy. I agreed and we tried to recall the name of it. We sat, he asked how I was doing, I said pretty good, just tired.

Something came up about the past few sessions, and I made reference to the "rupture." T said, "Or repair." Me: "Well, now it's repaired, but I think it kind of was a rupture." I said it might be weird for him that I use lots of therapy terms like that. T: "I just know not to use 'transitional object'" (referencing the stone that had ignited the rupture). I smiled. T: "Maybe that wasn't appropriate to joke about." Me: "No, it's OK. I was just joking about this topic with a friend actually." I said how people would talk on PC about missing their T's, and I felt like I just had to say I was missing "the therapy room." T laughed and said that was funny. I think all that helped to break the ice.

I said I was trying to figure out what to work on today. How we'd discussed addressing trauma stuff, that I'd had that list I wanted to work on with ex-T, but then ex-MC's wife died, and it derailed that. How I couldn't find that list so typed up a new one. T asked how I felt about doing that, was it upsetting for me? I said I think it helped me to type it, like I tried to categorize them by time period. That I was looking at lists of possible trauma online and trying to brainstorm. That I wasn't sure how to begin with the 2-page list (held it up to T). He asked if I'd feel really vulnerable having him read the list. I said I didn't know, how some of it might not even make sense without my giving context. How some of it, he might look at and think, "Why would that even be traumatic?" Like it might be specific to me.

He asked if they were all individual events. I said it was a mix, how some were just like, "dealing with anxiety as a kid, while my parents didn't support me." While others were, for example, "Had to get rescued from drowning in the ocean by a lifeguard," which is clearly an incident. T: "Whoa." (meanwhile, I'd thought that one might not have been considered a big deal...)

T said it might be helpful to put them in categories, like he wondered if some could be grouped together. I said yeah, like a bunch from adolescence could fit under "feeling anxiety but not being understood." Like my mom had cancer (survived), and it seemed like her feelings (even when she was doing well) took precedence over my mental illness. Me: "Which I guess it should, but..." T: "How did that make you feel?" Me: "Like physical health was more important than mental health. I mean, I guess it was life-threatening for my mom, but..."

T said something about my feeling like a burden because of my mental health issues, and I said yes. He said he got the sense that was still an issue for me. I said, "Yes, like with H for example." T: "Or with me." Me: "True..." T: "Experiencing it in childhood, then with me, that would be transference." Me: (wanting to say, "no ****! that's what I've been trying to tell you is what I wanted to deal with" but not): "Yes exactly." He mentioned "transference" again later in session, like maybe he's getting more comfortable using the word or something...

He said it would be good to discuss coping mechanisms I developed to deal with feeling like a burden, how maybe I'm still using them. That for example if I'd gone to my mom and told her about my anxiety issues, and she was like, "Oh everyone worries," then I wouldn't go to her anymore. I said that was basically what happened when I was depressed in high school. T: "Maybe that's what I was thinking of." I said either way, taught me to keep feelings inside. We talked about my being a "good kid," compliant, followed rules, did well in school. What did that get me? Praise, acceptance.

I mentioned my best friend in first grade, how seeing her recently, she talked about how it was like she was the leader, while I followed, like with playing. I said I hadn't thought of it that way before, but made sense. I said how it felt like her mom thought I was weird, especially after she sent her to religious school. How I remembered one Christmas, when we were all together, my friend coming up in my room and wanting me to play Depeche Mode for her, which to her was being bad. Me to T: "You have heard of Depeche Mode, right?" T: "Yes, but I didn't think they were so evil compared to some other bands." Me: "Well, there was this song 'Blasphemous Rumors.'" (Oddly, when I stopped at a local taphouse to get a drink after T's, they were playing Depeche Mode...)

Talked more about music, role it played in my life. I said how when I worked at mall as teen, I'd go to Sam Goody (I know, I'm old!) on my lunch break to buy music. That I'd then hide it in my coat because my parents said I bought too much of it. (I clarified that I bought it, didn't steal it!) T asked where those CDs and cassettes were now. I said I got rid of most cassettes, since they don't last, but kept CD cases, even though I uploaded them. T said like a collection then, and I agreed.

I talked about this band I got really into in high school, adding, "I definitely wouldn't expect you to have heard of them." T: "You really get into some lesser-known bands, don't you?" I said how as a teen, I'd gone with my friend to see that band play at a Catholic university (my dad was really cool and dropped us off, then picked us up). And the lead singer made a rather...blasphemous comment that I won't repeat here at the Virgin Mary painting he was performing in front of. I really enjoyed the show, but felt guilty and listened to a bunch of Amy Grant (a Christian pop singer) that weekend as a form of penance. T was rather amused by that.

I also shared how I published a fanzine (sort of a newsletter thing) for that band, got my own PO box so my parents wouldn't know, made photocopies at local convenience store, etc. T seemed impressed, saying, "Look at you!" He asked if I eventually told my parents, and I said yes.

He said it sounded like music was really where I expressed myself, that it had lots of meaning for me. I agreed, but said it wasn't like I made music, but had always wanted a guitar as a teen (parents wouldn't get me one). He said I didn't have to make music for it to be a form of expression.

I said how I liked singing, but people tended to be critical when I did it in front of them. That I knew some of the fundamentals from chorus. And how in elementary school, I was part of this "highly abled music students" program. I said that my mom had said, "Not sure why they accepted you into that!"
T said he had a question for me: "You tend to share a lot of negative things your mom said. Is that just what you remember? Or was it all negative? Or was it like, she said that about the music, then later than night you were all laughing together playing Uno?" I said it may have been that last option, but what stuck in my head was her other comment.

I talked more about liking to sing, but people like friend, ex, being critical of it. Like me trying to sing (along with the song) REM's "Strange Currencies" to my college boyfriend when we were struggling because of the meaning of the song, but his saying I needed more vibrato... Me wanting to sing karaoke, but H saying not to. How part of me realized that I liked to sing, maybe I should take voice lessons, but I didn't know. Because what if the instructor says I'm not good enough to take them? T: "Then **** them! Why the **** should they get to decide that?" Me (a bit jarred because he doesn't usually curse in front of me): "Uh, because they're the instructor?...Oh, I guess that means I should just find a different instructor, right?" T: "Exactly."

Was end of session. Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Went over to desk, paid. T held out hand, saying "It's Thursday, right?" Me, shaking his hand, "Yes." T: "Then have a good weekend!" Me: "You too." As I was walking out the door, T said, "Take care," Me: "You too."

It crossed my mind but I'm not sure. I think what happens after the break will be really telling. I can't shake the horrible feeling we've reached an impasse.

I'd feel very hurt by those statements... Are you ok?

Yesterday was a bit rough, but I'm better today.

Someone said it sounded like a technique used to shake up clients, but he's never been like that with me before. It sounds stupid, but he reminded me of my father, because it was unpredictable and it doesn't make my child parts feel safe.

My little one came into session for 2 mins at the start. It wasn't the first time. He's so curious about where I go. This time he hugged t. No prompting. I leaned to get him and told him I'm already closer than i want to be lol then he wanted another hug before leaving. He really likes t which I am glad of

Except later in the session she spoke of us having a connection and I hated it. I want to write and tell her we have no connection. My kid pops in because it helps him to see and know where I am and it has nothing to do with t herself. So now I won't bring him in again as it seems to give t a false idea about some connection we have

That and I told her I was worried she would die

It's so scary that she is saying this to me

I personally think there's a huge difference between shaking up clients and being hurtful.

I'm glad you feel better today though

Sometimes I don't know if I'm just being extra sensitive and blowing things out of proportion, but his comments did hurt.

Piaf yesterday. (Not sure it’s all in order.)

I wasn’t really upset with her anymore about telling me last week she had an opinion about No. 3 but wouldn’t tell me because it would seem condescending. I sent her a letter about it so we could discuss it this time.

She opened with the letter and handed me a copy with intralinear comments (I hand wrote and double-spaced it). This made me laugh.

The key part was the attached. I’ll probably remove it soon.

We settled on “rules of engagement” (her term, not that I don’t think it’s apt). I wouldn’t leave upset and she, if she didn’t know what to say, would say so and ask to think about it. Immediately we ran into this because I commented that in the pictured comments, she seemed stuck. She said she did. I asked if she felt stuck often with me. Yes, because I had high standards but low expectations. I asked if she felt stuck more often with me than other clients.

Piaf: Yes.
ATAT: Why?
Piaf: Let me think about that.

(She’s getting asked about that next week.)

Somewhere in there she suggested I should be a therapist because I knew what to say better than she did. I stared at her in horror and told her she might consider that flattery but I did not. (It is easy to know what to say to oneself.)

After that the discussion turned to my meltdown Monday, where I left yoga class in tears and went home and bawled, which made me return to my previous med dose instead of trying to go off it. She kept wanting me to describe it, what it felt like. I went through several metaphors, like peine forte et dure (a medieval torture method that involved weighing someone down with rocks—it means hard and forceful punishment). We finally settled on despair.

She made her frequent point again that my life seems to be very painful and hard. I made my frequent point in return that I didn’t think it was that hard (First World problems, therapy is a First World phenomenon by and large) and I wanted to act, not reflect on how hard things were.

After that we circled back to her misstatement last week. She wanted to know about a comment I made in the letter, which was that she hadn’t actually given me any help with No. 3. I said that was par for the course and told her about my current solution, swearing at any thought of No. 3 to get out of my head. She said she’d take it.

There may have been more, but I’m boring myself by now.

ATAT — I see how while that’s not a terribly helpful response in the moment (I hope she doesn’t use the “I’ll have to think about it” too much), it is rather lovely (in the sense of honesty being rather beautiful).

I am kinda touched that she’s so careful to make sure she doesn’t insult your intelligence — that, in and of itself, would have me trusting her (and her intelligence).

P.S. I couldn’t send a certain blonde, heavily WASP-identified therapist to her for some lessons in therapy and French, could I?

I asked t of she had been in therapy. She said yes.
I asked if she would sit next to me rather than look at me during some conversations. She said yes
I told her I didn't want to sit on the floor as it didn't seem comfortable
I told her I hated 2 weeks between sessions as I feared she was dead. She told me that of course because people die or go away and she understands my need for reassurance. That is also when she piped up about the connection.

But what if Blondie corrupts Piaf into her WASPy ways?

Plus, I think Blondie is incorrigible.

Piaf's handwriting could use some work.

It's little bird scratch

You know, instead of chicken scratch?

Its an old expression for sloppy handwriting...

I called my old therapist Wednesday night and asked if I could go back and see her.

She called me back a few hours ago and asked when I wanted to meet. I was confused because I thought I’d have to be on a waiting list or talk to someone in another department. She said that my case was never closed.

I’m really relieved. She didn’t sound all that excited though. I never go back and forth between therapists. This is the first time. And she told me herself one time that if therapy isn’t going the way I like it then to say something instead of waiting 4 years (yes I did do that with one therapist.)

I feel kind of weird that my case was never closed. I know I called her when I was switching. But I feel like maybe I should have done more.

But at least I am able to see her again. We meet next Thursday.

There's something poignant in this even though it upset you, because he is touching something in human nature- in all of us, not just in you, in himself which is how he knows the terrain. So many times, at that crucial moment for communication, there is a muteness/ rage/ mental fog and then a regret. It is so true for me anyway- like this past session I let my T talk to me for a long time about something that was not important to me, and then when time was up, I felt so , so sad. lost, and unconnected. I could have spoken up- now it is too late and there is a turmoil in my heart that wouldn't not be there if I had.

The effed up part I don't know about that- how it fits him, if it was in a tone of love.

In that session up until the ending I didn't feel like I had left anything unsaid. I was going at my pace. I didn't want to talk about my parents and I've sat and cried in nearly every single one of my sessions so that's nothing new- the email contact out of sessions is. It's not just what he said, but the way he said it and the look on his face that brings up a lot of feelings of shame. I wanted comfort. Maybe I am being too sensitive, but he's just never been like that with me before. I told him at the start exactly what I was like at the start. His frustration and anger at me should be sorted in supervision and shouldn't leak into my sessions.

met with t yesterday

he liked the photo of his cat. don't know if I mentioned that cat is deceased now. t said oh Alex...... I sat it down on a dresser. t said he can be the mascot

we had a pretty light session. talked about possible autism spectrum diagnosis. talked about diagnoses in general. t said now that I'm stabilized again I can try to get some positive momentum going

I asked for a hug at the end

e-mailed t a few hours later asking if he thinks a mood stabilizer would be more beneficial for me. I've increased my AD again which I attribute to my mood getting better. but now I'm noticing my thoughts acting up like they do before the voices come back. but I don't want to lower my ad and get depressed again!

t wrote back saying that is a good question. he said the invegas and seroquels can act as mood stabilizers but have a different mode of action. he said a mood stabilizer might help balance things. t said it is a frustrating balance. he wrote that I certainly am trying

it made me feel good to see that t knows that I AM trying my hardest to be ok.

I see my pdoc soon so I'm going to ask her about a mood stabilizer

T today. Sat down. I asked if he'd heard about...something bad that happened in our area recently (not being specific to avoid disclosing my location). He had, and we both talked about how sad it was. I mentioned a personal connection to the location and said maybe finding out what had happened partly triggered my .
Then I said, "I'm sorry I'm being so depressing." I paused a second, then said, "OK, I just apologized to a therapist for being depressing" and started laughing. T laughed, too.

I mentioned how in previous session we'd discussed my fear of being a burden. And I said it came up again, because I was worried he had seen my e-mail last night and thought, "Ugh, why did I agree to work Memorial Day, now I have to deal with LT." T (looking confused): "We were already scheduled for today." Me: "I know, I meant in general that you could have been doing something else on Memorial Day." T: "You know you're not the only person I'm seeing today." Me: "Yeah, I figured that." T: "You aren't a burden."

I said the main reason I was concerned was how when we saw ex-MC on a holiday once, he made a comment that he wished he was sitting in his backyard grilling, but he decided to be responsible and come to work. Which bothered me. T made a face and said, "Why would he say that?" Me: "I don't know. It made me feel like he didn't want to be there with us." T: "I'd feel the same way. Clearly he didn't think before he said that." He added that I wasn't a burden.
I mentioned the e-mail I'd sent last night and how I'd hoped it hadn't bothered him. T: "I usually get an e-mail like that every 10-14 days from a client or a client's parent (he sees teens). And maybe once a month with something like what you did, saying, 'make sure we talk about this next session.' It's pretty common. It didn't bother me at all."

I said I guessed we should talk about actual topic of e-mail. I said I hated how I could mostly be feeling OK, then those sorts of feelings could come on.
He said if he had to describe me, at least from the outside looking in, he'd say "emotionally labile." That I tend to feel things very deeply, that they affect me intensely. I said I agreed with that. I had mentioned before that I'd been drinking the night before, and T said how alcohol can affect that, can keep you from being able to regulate your emotions as well. He said alcohol tends to affect the brain from "the outside in." Me: "What do you mean?" T went into a rather detailed explanation of it first affecting...some part of the brain, "the ridgy part on the outside." Me, "Is that the technical name?" T: "Yes, that's what it's called in all the textbooks." He said it then affected the prefrontal cortex, which is reason and executive function (I think!)

Basically his point was that my ability to deal with my emotions (or anyone's) declines when I drink. So he wondered if the thoughts tended to happen more when I was drinking. i said I thought so, that I kind of felt I should try tracking them and had tried a few times, but I wasn't consistent about it. He said he also wondered if it could be at all hormonal, like related to my cycle (pretty sure this is the first time my menstrual cycle was broached in therapy with him...) I said that i was often more irritable or emotional on certain days, but last night wasn't one of those days. I mentioned how Fitbit now has an option to track the cycle. T (who also has a Fitbit): "I didn't realize that." Me: "Well, you're a guy, so...you probably wouldn't! It's a little weird though, because it will say 5 days until..." (I couldn't say the word "period.")

I said I knew I had to work on the drinking, too. That...I felt I had to be accountable to someone. T: "Yes, that's why AA does the whole 90 meetings in 90 days thing." Me: "I don't want to do AA though." T: "I know, just using that as an example of how it helps to be accountable to someone." Me: "I don't really feel like I can be accountable to H." T: "No, because you're sort of...not codependent, but you both drink." Me: "Yes, though he's been drinking less lately." T: "Interesting." I said I thought it was mostly due to H trying to lose weight though to get his BP down for doctor's appointment.

Then I said, "Would it be possible to be accountable to you?" T: "Sure, if you think it would help you." Me: "I think? Just someone to tell, say, how much I drank." T: "I'm not sure what you'd want me to do with the information." Me: "Really just knowing I have to report the amount to someone would help me." T: "OK." Me: "I had asked ex-MC about that at one point and he said he couldn't be the person I was accountable to. So I'm glad you're OK with it."

I said how I will set goals, then not make them, feel bad about myself and drink. T said that's what tends to derail people, say, on diets. He mentioned about how some diet has one cheat meal a week, where you can eat anything, so you're not expected to be perfect. How I should celebrate the victories, like if I hit my goal 5 of 7 days, that's great! Not give up because I missed 2 days. I said, "Even like if it was that I wanted another beer but didn't have one. Which is a victory even if I had 6 beers earlier that day." T: "Exactly. That's still progress."

Talked about needing to come up with alternatives to drinking and things I associate with it. I said I was reluctant to mention one part, because of what he'd said before, how I'd mentioned feeling really welcome at bars/restaurants where we were regulars, and he'd said "You could probably feel really welcome at a crackhouse, too." How that comment hadn't bothered me at first, that I'd gotten what he'd meant, but then later, thought he was comparing me to crack addict. T: "I don't specifically recall saying that, but it sounds like something I would say."

I mentioned the bar/restaurant where I'd been yesterday, how H, D, and I had been there together for a bit, then D wanted to leave, but H said I could stay. How I felt really welcomed there, the bartenders came over and chatted with me, seemed really happy to see me, bringing me free shots of Grand Marnier (to do together). T said he sees how that could be difficult to replace somewhere else. I said maybe a coffee shop? He said he didn't know. I said they could bring me espresso shots. He said then I'd be really wired. I said maybe then I'd be more productive getting work done?

I talked more about failing to reduce drinking so far. That I felt I should be able to do it, especially if it's partly for the sake of my daughter. But I guess that's why it's considered an addiction. T: "Pretty much everyone out there is struggling with something. You're not alone in that." That felt very validating and nonjudgmental.

We were almost out of time. T said he had a question for me: In terms of emotions, did I think I was mostly affected by my environment, or was it more internal, from inside my head? Me: "Hm...I'm not sure." T: "Because I get the sense it's more the environment for you, such as what's going on with H." Me: "Hm, see I thought maybe a mix of the two." T: "That could be, this is just my opinion on the outside looking in."

Scheduled, he also confirmed Thursday at 1. Went over and paid while chatting about things I could work on before next session (like making list of things I could do instead of drink). He shook my hand (without saying anything, which is odd for him). Then he said "Take care, I'll see you in a few days." (Different from his usual endings.) I said, "You too, see you then." I'm not sure how well I conveyed this, but T seemed very compassionate and reassuring throughout session. They were some difficult topics for me to discuss, and he seemed fairly unfazed by them (which makes me feel safer addressing them in the future with him) and also quite caring.

See, I knew T would be relatively un-fazed by that topic

Also, he's funny! "The ridgy bits on the outside," I snort-laughed at that.

My T says fleeting thoughts are pretty normal in general, so there's that. I don't even BOTHER to talk about those sort of thoughts with my T...there mostly just there.

Yep, you were right! Glad you got a laugh from him! He can be quite funny at times.

I feel like ex-T was really skittish about those sorts of thoughts, so I tended not to talk about them with her--I get the sense (from what she said) that she may have had some maternal countertransference going on, so that could have played a role. So I think that's why I worried about telling T, because of her. I had fears that he'd overreact or something. (Ex-MC seemed to react like your T, thinking those types of thoughts are very common.)

LT

Good to see things are going well. I wish things were with me still. You ended up with a good T, even if he seems a bit rigid at times. Was cool he was open today.

Yeah, I agree. I still have fleeting thoughts, but it’s nothing like the year-plus I spent actively suicidal. I wouldn’t even call myself that right now.

The fleeting thoughts still indicate there’s a lot of pain, though. ((LT))

Today started off on the wrong foot – I had to provide technical support to a family member first thing this morning, which led to my being stressed out and unable to find my words.

The main takeaway from the session was that the shame I feel over these emotional outbursts prevents me from feeling the emotions themselves. That prevents me from experiencing the emotional release I feel I need to be free of this.

R mentioned that I have said the same thing several weeks running, and said that she is aware of the battle within me. The war rages on.