In Session Today: Part IV

ugh
every time I read about certain people's Ts here, I get this overwhelming gnawing agony feeling that they are seeing my ex-T

but, growly, you're not in Tucson right?
If anyone is in Tucson seeing a psyD with the initials S.P., I'm probably going to run from this forum screaming as if on fire.

bleeehhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhIhateeverything

i agree as well.

No worries toomanycats, I never lived in AZ. First initial M. But I appreciate that you share your wRning bells. If you see me doing something stupid by all means give me a good shake

I thought his name was actually kashi lol

That would be hilarious. I have given all of my t’s silly aliases on PC. He has a hippy vibe, thus the nickname on here

oh I'm sorry - no - it wasn't warning bells like he did something wrong
it was more like he just sounds like S
like the "oh bunny foo foo" thing...is definitely something S would say

I'm trigger happy in this area - everything reminds me of who S used to be to me
Sorry >.<

I could put a trigger warning on future posts? I don’t slways know what counts as triggering. I am so sorry. But I do want to know if someone reads my posts and is shaking their heads that I am headed down a bad path.

Thanks, growly. I think it's hard to sound warning bells when there's so much that goes on in a session that can't be conveyed in an online post. Add to that individual posters' own fears (like mine) and it gets too messy. Right now, I am super sensitive to therapists having and hiding judginess.

I guess the real test is in how your life feels overall and if you're generally doing better than worse.

You do seem to be the forgiving type. That can be a blessing and a bane if the other person is being manipulative, something I think is part of the therapy trade. The question is whether or not it ends up being more helpful than harmful.

I wouldn't say that, everyone's journey and experience is different. People will always handle things differently and see things differently. Right now, even with my recent few "bad" sessions, I consider this one of the best experiences in my life. I imagine it will only keep growing in that sense.... and maybe make me a better person and I can look back on this time and smile. That's what I'm hoping

Bleeding during session is definitely an acceptable replacement for punching a chair. Easier on the furniture, too.

Oddly, I just did a homework piece for my writers’ workshop—it had to be a scene that showed someone’s character through some everyday act that they did. So I wrote about a woman tearing out a cuticle. The instructor said the scene was so described that it made him wince when she bled.

Anyway, I am glad things are better.

no no now that I know it's not S, it's not triggering.
I will totally call out red flags, but none of what you shared was red flaggy to me. Sorry for scaring you!

Session was good today. I weirdly felt like I got about 5 different sessions in 1.

I tried S's phone one more time before session; still no answer. The part attached to S got to talk about being sad and get teary there with C, which was good. We talked about my dreams about S last night.

We talked about the parts and about how I feel like there's nothing left of ME when you look at all of them; C said my parts sounded normal and like I had "disowned" them. I re-checked that he understood that they and me aren't "the same," and he does. I didn't have a problem with him saying they were normal. That's something that may have upset me in the past (because it sounds like he's implying they are the same as the parts he has and everyone has etc. etc.). He wants to focus on (or at least seems most interested in) my "lack of a sense of self." Which sounds ok.

We talked about my mom, and I asked him if he thought I "played the victim." He does not, but then we wound up talking about what that even means. I didn't get to talk much about my mom's visit -- I guess it wasn't pressing enough, because I could've talked about it, but I just went another direction.

We randomly talked about this white fur pillow he has on his sofa and how, when I saw it, I made up a whole story about how another client had given it to him or about how a client brought it for themselves and left it in the office when not there. He said he wouldn't allow that. He said someone gave it to him, but not a client - or rather "someone else bought it." (lol guys I'm pretty sure his wife bought it...silly C). Anyways, as soon as he said it wasn't a client, I was like "oh well then that's fine!" lol. We talked briefly again about my 'triggering demographic.'

It was a good session; it didn't fly by. I really felt I was present for and got to take in all of it, which is rare.

I asked him for HIS reflections at the end since he's always asking for mine. He is interested in the "lack of a sense of self." or "lack of a central sense of self" something like that... and he said he thinks a lot of the work might lie in the "spaces between the parts." I mentioned again that the parts don't talk to one another, and we agreed to talk next time about how we might work on changing that

Toomanycats, I have been formally diagnosed with DID and both T and my exT tell/told me frequently that "everyone has parts" and "having parts is normal". Only difference is "normal" people have a bit more integration between their parts.

Met with t yesterday at 4 because I had to reschedule a pdoc intake appt for his time on Wednesday. T texted we can meet at 4, then sent ****! I meant 3. I said I get off work at 3. He moved his 4 o'clock appt to 3 so I could come at 4

T and I walked our route. He was excited about a property he is going to look at for his outpatient practice. We discussed symptoms , t mentioned I've been having delusional thinking, I said I wouldn't call it that. T said oh yeah what would you call it. I said weird coincidences . I told t about how I saw his make and model of car and it meant something like a sign, that t had died. I told him how I got thru it by just telling myself t is not dead. T said man that sounds like torture. He said it doesn't even have to be the same color!? I said yes just the make and model , haha.

We walked and t got a lil quiet . I felt nervous as to why, I asked why are you being quiet . T burst into laughter and said I'm just being quiet. I said ok I will accept that . He laughed because my paranoia can be a lil ridiculous I assume.

We got back to his office and he showed me a long YouTube video of the property. We cracked jokes about the video and the cheesy quotes written on it. I told t he should build a therapy trailer park. T said I like where ur going w this. I told t i made trailer parks on the sims . He said that does not surprise me.

We joked around a lot. It was fun and light hearted. I think the session being so last minute made it feel that way. We agreed to meet Wednesday next week at our usual time . I said see ya he said see ya later and I left.

This was my first session back after a short break, wherein I entertained a large number of awful scenarios involving my therapist doing judgy things against me, a lot of which I had kind of settled until I read growly's account of the valentines massacre with kashi.

So I started off with as I told my therapist about the valentine's candy and creepy comment and wanted to know if she would ever think or refer to a client as being creepy or giving her a creepy gift. After getting past her initial she was all and said she's never had reason to think anything like that but couldn't rule out the future possibility of being given something creepy. I was all over that and wanted to know what would she consider creepy? She said probably something sexual. So that made me feel better because that's not any kind of risk with me.

After that, it's a blur. There was some more from me about work and therapy and school shootings . And she explained some things while I went and and .

Oh, in there somewhere, we had a moment when we agreed that I will work on my own stuff and if any of her stuff gets in there, she will own it so that I don't have to keep worrying about the things she doesn't share.

I also had an issue with my dog I needed to talk about and after we left, she accidentally caught a bit of his paw in the door and he screamed, so she came out into the hall and comforted him and then we left.

The hug is for your dogs paw!

Thanks, SE. He was fine. I think the door barely touched him. He is an over reactor.

My dog is usually very at ease and joyful, but he is afraid of snowmen. It is so silly.

Ruhroh im glad your t had a healthy reaction to the Val/gifting conversation. My argument to kashi was that the lady didn’t exactly drop a box of condoms in your lap, it was kids sentiment hearts. Kashi did make it sound like there was more to it and of course he could not discuss. But I like your t’s reaction better.

Growly, I was thinking about Kashi's reaction, and putting it together with my T being soooooo anti-Valentine's day. I commented to him about the cute hearts that all the local businesses put in their window, and he gave that speech about how commercial the holiday is etc etc. I told him I was glad BF was more of a romantic, and he was still grouchy about it. He usually will not get off topic or talk out of the frame, so you know he hate V-day. Do you think Kashi might have a general hatred for the hallmarky part of the holiday itself? I completely agree what he said was upsetting, crossed other line, and with how you handled it.

light session day, i once again, could not open myself up and spill out all the emotional hell I'm dealing with.... and he didn't really push or ask... we did color a bit finally.

now another long week ahead of all these annoying emotions. why can't i do therapy right? geez. i always refrain from going too deep.

i miss him like crazy already, i am sick of weekly

We had an intense session. I told him that I’m coming to a difficult realization, that I was in fact r***d, and the emotions that come with putting that blame on someone else are too much for me to handle. About halfway through I started crying and didnt feel safe. It was like my mind was somewhere else. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. He called my name and told me it’s ok, I’m safe and I’m in control. I want to feel safe with him, and he’s proven to be safe, but I can’t.

growly, she loves your nickname for kashi and laughed out loud when I told her sparky's name. I wish I could come up with one for mine, but nothing comes to mind.

Oh, I forgot to add that she had a nosebleed during all of this.

Hugs, Summer...that sounds like a really difficult session. Maybe you were dissociating if you couldn't hear him? I forget whether he allows outside contact--if you're still feeling unsafe with him (or just unsafe in general), might be a good time to reach out.