In Session Today: Part IV

I often feel like this right after session. But then sometimes the extra processing time helps me too. Therapy is weird

(Trigger warnings for sui-ish stuff, drugs/alcohol, potentially upsetting pregnancy stuff.)

I was outside T's house, five minutes early, looking up at the tree on the pavement, where I'd noticed a robin, and a multitude of beautiful fuzzy bumblebees raiding the last of the blossom. And then he came outside to get some water from the butt next to his front door... at first I thought - "Agh! Awkward! I'll just pretend not to be here!" (he hadn't yet seen me)... but then I realised that would probably just make the whole thing weirder. So I said hi, and told him my thinking (and that I'd been admiring the bees), and he looked surprised and amused and invited me in, watering the plants in the porch on the way.

After we said down he told me that on a hot day his plants tend to do this: (sad expression, arms like wilted leaves), or in fact, this: (shocked expression, sort-of-jazz-hands) so he has to make sure to water them. It was adorable. He clearly likes to anthropomorphise.

There was a bit of silence, then, and I said how I hate the beginnings of sessions, how even when I have stuff I know I want to say it's hard to just launch into it (also a running theme in my sessions with T1). He said - shall I start, then? I said, how would you start? He said he'd start by asking my how my birthday celebrations at the weekend had been, and whether a friend who I'd had an argument with and spent almost the whole previous session stressing out about had showed up. I said she hadn't, and talked a bit about my feelings about it, and about a message from her I'd received on Friday, but I guess I didn't really want to. He could tell. He asked how the party had been, what it had been like to see some of my best friends who I don't see very often. I said it had been nice, but I felt so bad afterwards. I always feel terrible afterwards. Full of shame and regret. I tried to say that I feel stupid and like everyone hates me, but I couldn't get the words out. I just kept stopping half way through sentences.

He asked if it's specific things that I feel regretful of, like "I shouldn't have said/done that", or more of a physical feeling. I said sometimes there's a specific thing, but more often it's just a general feeling, with no logic behind it. I said that on Monday, in particular, I'd felt particularly miserable and ashamed, and that when I feel like that (and sometimes even when I don't, at least not consciously), there's an inner voice that repeats, over and over again:



...and I can't make sense of it. Because I don't, I really don't, I never have done, I'm far, far too afraid. Although sometimes I do want to disappear. I said the really stupid thing is that there's another inner voice I hear a lot, which says, over and over:



He said yes, that's the part we talked about before, when I'd been afraid to go to the dentist.

Then I guess I decided it was storytime and launched into a description of something that happened when I was nineteen or twenty years old. The whole thing was hard for me to relate, and my voice was shaking and I was crying as I told him.

One night I'd had an argument with my boyfriend at the time. It was the early hours of the morning. I'd been and I'd decided to just lie down on the pavement, refusing to move or respond to anything and just repeating my mantra, out loud this time -

My boyfriend hadn't known what to do with me. He couldn't get me to move. He tried to flag down a taxi but I wouldn't get in. So he asked some strangers to stay with me while he went to use a payphone (we had mobiles at the time, I assume we didn't have credit). They stole my phone and purse from my pockets and left me there on the pavement. I had a bell attached to my phone and I heard it jingle as they took it. I was in such a dark place already and being treated with such inhumanity was... unbearable. An ambulance arrived, and I was taken to hospital, where they didn't do much. Put me on intravenous fluids and left me in a bed to sober up. I kept repeating myself.

I started to shut down, curled myself up in a ball on the chair. Managed to pull myself out of it though - I'm getting better at that.



He said he wasn't looking at me with disgust. He was looking at me and thinking about the strangers who treated me so callously by stealing my possessions and leaving me alone and vulnerable, and the doctor who looked at me with so little compassion, and feeling angry.

I just sat and cried for a bit.

T said he was aware that we'd got to this place from a conversation that he'd initiated, and he wondered if I'd had other things I wanted to address. I said that this (or at least - the destructive inner voice) had been one of the things on my mind, but there were other things too.

I said I'd felt angry at him, on Friday. Because he'd been there on Thursday when I was afraid to read a message, but he wasn't there with me the next day when it happened again. He said that thought had crossed his mind when I'd mentioned it earlier. I said (referring to a dream we'd discussed the week before) "so you can see why it feels like you don't exist..."

He said... that he knew it wouldn't be the same as him being with me, but would I like to choose a stone from the bowl next to me on the shelf, to take with me? I (eagerly, but still sniffling) picked up the bowl and sorted through them. There was a bright blue one in the middle, looking very conspicuous amongst shades of red and orange and brown. I said "I'm suspicious of that one...", he laughed and said "I am too! It appeared via one of my colleagues... the rest I collected." (he shares his therapy room with a couple of people)

I picked out a shortlist of two and as I held them in my hand he asked "how does it feel when you roll them against each other?" I said "it's very satisfying" - they clack together, like glass marbles. He said "then how about taking them both?"

So I took two. I asked if he would hold them. He took them from me, held them up to the light. He said one is a carnelian, the other agate. He kept them in his hands for a while, then gave them back.

I looked him in the eye and thanked him.

Playing with them in my hands, I said I felt kind of bad for taking the two prettiest stones in the bowl. He asked why that felt bad... I said, because now they won't be there for you and other people to enjoy, only I get to enjoy them! He said, well that's the beauty of letting you choose, because everyone has a different idea of which is the loveliest... I said I knew he'd say that, but actually these two were objectively the prettiest ones. I said... anyway, I didn't feel bad enough to put them back... he smiled and said "yes, I can see that!"

I asked if he knew it was our 'halfaversary', he said no, he hadn't realised - twenty-six weeks? I said yes. And Monday had been six months since I last saw T1, too. He said T1 doesn't seem to pop up so much these days. We talked a bit about that. I said how I'd mentioned T1 - his lack of shoes - in supervision that morning, funnily enough. And that I'd thought about him on Monday, of course, but at least I hadn't emailed him or anything.

For some reason I can't remember how the session ended, what we talked about as I put my shoes on. He said he'd see me on Monday, as we've changed our usual schedule for a bit. I'm glad I'm going to see him soon.



ETA: I remember, we talked about tissues. I apologised for using so many and noted that I'd filled my bag with them. He pointed out the bin between his chair and the door and I said yeah but that's over there - I'm not gonna throw them, I might hit you in the face with a snotty tissue! He said we could move it next to my chair... I said, yeah, I'll try to remember to do that next time...

Beautiful specimens, Luco. The carnelian is particularly lovely. Sounds like a difficult, but rewarding session.

I know, right? They were definitely the prettiest ones.

Oh, those stones are lovely, Luc. Delightful. I’m glad you shared the pic. It made me smile.

Yesterday my T told me she's extremely concerned about me and isn't sure she will be able to keep working with me if my eating gets any worse. She's discussed me with her supervisor and apparently he said something about brain function, lack of nutrients and thought processes and it being unethical to work with...I didn't really take in what she was saying because it all seemed so...serious. She had a notepad out for the first time ever and wanted to write down my GPS details and my weight and stuff. It was weird. She's worried that therapy could partly be causing the ED, to cope with what's coming up. I told her I felt like she was giving up on me. She said she really doesn't want to give up on me, she will be there if I still want her to be, but that I need extra support. I'm waiting on a referral to the ED unit st the hospital but I've been told the NHS funding criteria are really tight. She was reassured a bit that I've taken this step. I told her I felt like she was going to give up on me anyway, because I must be frustrating to work with as I dissociate such s lot of the time and never get anywhere. She said she thinks I just need to be in the relationship, develop trust, start to feel safe..and then we can get work done, and that she feels no need to make immediate progress and is happy to just be with me where I am. i felt angry and sad after session yesterday, today I feel numb. She says I'm not hopeless but she knows I think I am. I feel so very lost and unsure what therapy even is anymore.

((Glittering)) I'm sorry, that sounds like a hard session. I think your T just cares about you and wants you to be as safe and well as possible, and it sounds like you could have more intensive treatment for your ED and still keep seeing her, too? It really doesn't sound to me like she's giving up on you, in fact the opposite, though I understand why you feel that way.

Thank you, it's good to get perspective and I think you're right, it's just the irrational part of me screaming that she's going to abandon me, I'm too much, she's only trying to cover her back etc. I do think she genuinely cares, or at least part of me does. Just finding it hard to judge how much therapy is helping right now, bit then I don't think I'm in a fit state to judge anything at the mo.

Yeah... I have a part like that too It does feel irrational but I guess it has valid reasons for feeling that way. I'm glad at least part of you can feel her caring. Do you see her again soon?

I'm sorry you have a part like this too, it sucks. You know what, that's exactly what T would say...about there being valid reasons for feeling that way and it not being irrational...it's good to be reminded so thank you. I'll see her next week on Thursday.

Extra session with Blondie today -- I'd originally asked her for it on Monday because I was freaking out about some work stuff that was brewing earlier in the week. But, after Wednesday's crapola session, I tried cancelling yesterday (because I was sure I'd get more agitated after session and it was just exhausting), to which she replied saying I didn't seem okay the previous night (when she'd said I was making her physically sick and scaring her) and so, was I sure I didn't want to come in. I kinda knew it'll end up being a back-and-forth then and so, I just told her, okay, I'll come in. It was supposed to be a 30-min thing where she fit me into her schedule but she said she had a cancellation and I could have a full session.

She got a little less histrionic when I told her that really I'd just like to call it quits -- restricted to putting her hand on her heart and saying "Ohhh...". I asked her -- again -- if this is how she reacted when clients told her how suicidal they were feeling or was there just something about how I was saying it that was causing this weirdness. Apparently, she is just who she is -- not sure what that means.

Anyhow, I then digressed -- not quite sure why (maybe coz I hadn't eaten) -- into giving her a little exposition on the Mahabharata where there's a question-answer exchange, that includes something like this (which I've been thinking of a fair bit lately) --

"What's the most wonderful thing in the world?" (I'd remembered it as what's the greatest puzzle / mystery)

And the answer is something like --

"Everyone knows that they will die and yet they continue to live as if they are immortal" (the actual translation is a lot better but this was what I roughly remembered and told her).

So, I was trying to tell her how I was remembering this and thinking that if I were to continue living, I want to do it differently, to which she asked something like "So, you don't want to be like other humans?"......

I am not sure she totally got what I was trying to say -- we went round and round some random stuff and she was trying to tie a whole lot of things together.

I told her I've been feeling disconnected from her although I've been showing up and I suspect a part of why my despair is showing up with such intensity is that I can no longer feel that sort of protective covering of being connected to her or anyone at all -- that as I feel more rootless and disconnected and ungrounded, the despair comes up with greater intensity.

I'm not sure she got it -- we talked a bit about how I've been feeling this way since around her vacation and I told her that somewhere there, it felt like she'd treated me as if I were some random creepazoid client or person who shouldn't be told where she was going (although rationally, I know those were her boundaries) and so, all her talk about attachment etc falls flat in the face of that. I was being a bit too harsh I know but figured I'd spit it out.

She asked what could be done to repair it and I said nothing and it's okay and I'll keep showing up.

I realized that while I'd originally wanted to talk about my ability or the lack thereof, to handle stress, the more urgent thing seems to be how I'm falling head first into this constant flatness and a mechanical existence (of making to-do lists to kick the bucket) sort of thing.

I'm not sure she has much of a clue on how to deal with how I present and it's a bit frustrating to me that she doesn't -- ideally, I'd just want to take a break from therapy because going in is becoming more painful / aggravating but now that I've talked about it, I fear she'll get super serious and want to do all sorts of check-ins.

I saw a new therapist a few days ago. I specifically told the guy who was switching me over that I didn’t want a therapist who was going to tell me to go out and make friends.

This new therapist spent pretty much the entire session telling me that I should just go out and make friends. I don’t want friends. I am happy by myself. I am not lonely.

He basically told me I was lying and that he didn’t believe me.

It was just the first session. So I can’t really judge it. But based on that one day he reminds me of a cross between a therapist and a doctor I had. Both were toxic and upsetting for me to deal with.

He also looked me up and down and asked what my diet was like, and that I should be dieting. He said it kind of judgmentally.

Maybe it wasn’t his intention, but based on the way he looked at me, and how he just randomly said it, it sounded like he was saying I was fat.

I’m not fat. I’ve been called skinny before. I have more of an athletic build. But I’m defiantly not fat.

I feel like when you call people fat when they aren’t and tell people to diet when they really don’t need to, is just harmful to a persons self esteem, and can cause eating disorders.

Again, I don’t want to go off on just one session.

AY—

One can tell the therapist not to contact one and block their number so as not to receive calls or texts.

“Ohhh...” with hand to heart?

“So, you don’t want to be like other humans”?

Sheesh. No one’s ever tried the first on me. The second is just...was she not listening?

It seems to me if your recent heart issues have anything to do with stress, Blondie is not the answer. Certainly not twice a week.

(((AY))) Wow. Wasnt it you that said your t didnt bother to learn about your culture until she got a 2nd client? Your post today recalls the feminist slogan, "the personal IS political." Its like, she has a pretty small world view period. I.e., its not you, it is definitely her.

"You dont want to be like other people?" - THATS her takeaway from your insight that you need/want to live with more awareness or whatever? You dont want to be a drone?! Wtf?!

Btw, couldnt you like get one of those new apps where you stick your finger in your phone and it reads your heartbeat? They are fairly new and were being advertised a lot.

AY, I got nothing except that as much as Blondie gets wrong, I worry about you cutting yourself off from everyone. That's not to say your therapist is the answer here, but in a crisis, any pearl clutching life raft might do. Unless she really is causing your stress levels to spike, in which case, I agree with @@.

I would not go for a second session with this T if it were me. Two of the most basic, fundamental things a T should be able to do are 1) listen carefully and enter into the client's viewpoint, because they are the experts on their own lives, and 2) be non-judgmental.

Like, sheesh. 0 for 2 buddy. Just my personal opinion (and full disclosure, I am slightly hostile toward therapists at the moment). Best of luck finding someone who is helpful, whether it's this T or another.

Una (my phone wanted to change your name to Imagine!) — yep, I randomly and suddenly seem to run into these situations where I find out how limited her worldview can be. But, it’s odd because she also seems to “get” some poetry / literature that I’ve talked about with her. I also though tend to become very abstract as a defense (which she’s pointed out) — so in trying to talk to me about not kicking the bucket in a way that wouldn’t annoy me, she said “I wish I had something poetic to tell you but I don’t”. Sometimes, I feel like we really are speaking two different languages (and not just British and American English).

rr — yeah, you basically got my dilemma exactly right (dump her but then there’s no one). I’m more exhausted (with explaining) than angry at her. You made my evening with the “pearl clutching life raft”

I stopped individual therapy a few years ago. I only do group therapy now, because I like talking to people who really get what I'm going through.

A lot happened in one session.

First, I told him that I needed to tell him that I lied last session, and I'd made a commitment to myself not to lie to him. I told him what the lie was and he asked some further questions about the subject and why I lied. I answered some, but said I didn't want to discuss it further, but that I should have just said that originally rather than lying. He thanked me for being honest with him.

I told him that it had really bothered me when a few weeks ago he mixed up who had committed suicide when I was grieving on the 4th anniversary of his death (it was E, the person who was basically my stepdad minus the marriage, but my therapist was thinking it was my brother. My brother is alive, we just haven't been on speaking terms in 6 years). T knew that he f****ed up when he misremembered/mixed it up, and felt really bad, and so I hadn't said anything about it at the time because I didn't see any point in making him feel worse.
I explained that it felt important that he understood who E was to me. That E had been a big part of my life, and I wanted to communicate that but couldn't with words. And T only hears about the dark moments of my childhood and the lack of positive feedback from my mom, but doesn't see the warmth and closeness and joyful moments we had.
So I had wanted to bring in pictures to share with T, but I found myself preoccupied with the worry that he would think it was childish or stupid or just be humoring me. And when writing about that strong fear I made the connection to our session before when I'd talked about the fact that I didn't share the things I was proud of with my mom because I knew she would criticize them and I would feel hurt. My mom was especially judgmental of sentimental/sappy things.
So maybe part of the reason I wanted to share the photos with T was as a test, to see if he'd think they were important because they were important to me.

T looked a bit impressed by the fact that I'd thought through all of this and figured it out, and agreed with my interpretation of my own thoughts/motivations. He said he would be happy to see the pictures. So I showed him a lot of pictures. He laughed out loud at some of them, especially a screenshot of a conversation between me and E where we were teasing each other but the affection was obvious.
The pictures allowed me to relay little moments like "here's where E took a picture of me when he was at my soccer game when I was 13" and T asked if I was good and I got to brag about what a great goalie I'd been, or "here's the night when I got my AP test scores back after my senior year of high school and we celebrated with champagne and cheesecake and E gave me a calculus book with a post-it note congratulating me on my score and saying that maybe if I study really hard I can get a 6 next time, because I got a 5 and he knew full well that a 5 was the highest score." He thanked me for sharing the pictures with him.

I asked him what school of thought he most closely aligned with and he said he uses cognitive methods the most. His blurb on his website says he customizes it for each person and it's usually psychodynamic or cognitive. I was kind of hoping he'd say psychodynamic, because that would have made me feel more comfortable with bringing up the transference issue.

I communicated that it can be difficult for me to not understand what he's thinking. Like he gets to kind of get a sense for how my brain works and what I'm thinking, but I very rarely have any idea what he's thinking. He said I could ask him questions but I didn't know what questions to ask, and to be honest I'm too scared to ask the questions that I really want the answers to.

I asked if I could show him the scars on my upper arms. He asked why I wanted him to see them. I said I didn't know. He said he felt like it was a test but he wasn't quite sure what. We talked about it for a while, and he brought up something I'd said before several weeks ago, that it gives me some kind of validation or satisfaction when my scars bother people or they have some kind of visible reaction to them. At some point during this I told him I hadn't self harmed in the time since the last session, and he was pleased about that. He seemed maybe kind of proud?
He ultimately said no to my request, and explained that he hoped I understood that it was because he didn't want to give them attention, which was probably honestly the right choice to be honest. I said I understood, and that if I hadn't been willing to accept "no" as an answer then I could have just come to the appointment in a sleeveless shirt instead of asking.

Then I pointedly looked at my watch (our time was up) and got up to go. He thanked me for sharing all of this with him and seemed genuinely pleased with how the session went.

I do think he made the right decision in saying no, and it helps me trust his judgment a bit more. It would have been easy to just say yes to my request, but saying no shows that he really thought it through and tried to understand it and considered its implications and decided on the response that he thought would be best for me in the long run. However, I did really struggle with feelings of embarrassment and humiliation once I got home, and was very ashamed of myself for asking. I journaled about it, but struggled with writing the balanced thoughts and ended up writing a long paragraph berating myself instead. But at least I didn't self harm.

Whoa This sounds like a terrible T when it comes to rapport building and who knows what else. Were there counterbalancing qualities you did like? I guess he doesn't believe in unconditional positive regard!

The description of session made the relationship seem so alive and well, and like really good work is getting done between you. I read a book about SH , and not reinforcing it . Your T's response and his willingness to be forthcoming about why males him seem trustworthy and competent in this story from the day.

Thank you
I spend the entire week obsessing about it, so I try to make the most of my one hour before I have to wait another week.
SH TW:


It's very important for me that he lets me know what he's thinking, otherwise I'll imagine the worst.
There are ways in which I can be very childish with my emotional wants and needs, but there is another part of me that is very self-aware and educated and analytical, and it's important to me that he acknowledges and works with both of those parts of me.

We're only about 3 months in, but I'm hopeful about this therapeutic relationship, and it's certainly nothing like any that I've had before, and I trust him in ways I've never trusted a therapist before.

He was pretty easy to talk to.

I just want to give him a chance.

It’s really not fair for me to judge him after just one session.

The diet thing though bothers me.

Blondie's latest idea (to prevent me from obsessing over things that make her physically sick) -- we both write in session and then read what we wrote.

She asked if I wanted to write with a theme and I suppose I looked sufficiently bewildered because she hastily corrected herself.

She said it's to help me get over my mother never noticing / keeping any of my stuff (at some point a long time ago, I'd told her that my mom had diligently collected every little scrap from my brother but none of mine).

She believes it's at the bottom of my current state of mind.

I was too exhausted and befuddled to argue.

And, I suppose I'm touched that perhaps she thinks I'm touched enough in the head to want it / like it / something?

I haven't shown my writing to anyone in forever. I am not sure I want to start with her.

wait....waiitttttt...blondie wants you to stop obsessing over something BECAUSE it makes her sick?!