It's been 2 weeks ago Wednesday that I last saw my T. Last Wednesday, I was forced to cancel my appointment (GOD FORBID) because I was stuck in a meeting with parents. Strangely, I feel totally abandoned! I make no sense to myself!

Yes, I gave the receptionist the reason I wasn't going to be there when I called so T knew I was okay. BUT he knows how attached I am to him and how hard it is for me to be in his absence. Why, oh why, couldn't he have just called me and said:

"I wanted to call to see how you were doing since it will be so long between sessions . . ."
OR
"I just called because I missed seeing you on our regular session and wanted to check in with you . . ."
BETTER YET,
"I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER! Tomorrow at 4:00 can't come soon enough for me. All I've done is think about solving your problems since I saw you last -- so long, long ago. There is no way you are going to every other week. I couldn't take it."
OR AT LEAST,
"I hope you come in next week because you're a steady source of income." LOL

Yet no call. I think he hasn't even once wondered if I am doing okay or losing it. I'm just a patient. That is all I will ever be. He forgets about me as soon as he puts up my chart and grabs the chart of the other patient. It sounds so silly, yet feels so devastating. How can he even think about going on without me? I feel so insignificant.

[Perna]

I spent two days wishing my T I'd seen 9 years earlier would somehow know I was in trouble and call me and make an appointment :-) Then when I finally went and found her phone number (we'd both moved in that time) and called her and made an appointment, she was going away and we had to wait another couple weeks before we could meet again. It's very hard having to do all the work of getting ourselves help and making sure we stay okay, etc.

[justpassingby]

I can totally relate to how you describe your feelings to some degree. You see I became infatuated with my therapist about one year ago or more. He knows everything about me, he is compassionate, kind and always smiles when he sees me. I know that he cares because he was very worried one time when I almost overdosed on pills and couldn't reach me back. It wasn't meant to happen that way, but I really did worry him and he called my psy the next day. I appologized and was really sorry but I ended up in the hospital and couldn't reach him right away. I have a sexual problem with dreaming about him and wanting to be with him all the time. I even came on to him during our therapy verbally that is and he forgave me and said he understood it was my illness not me. I do this when I am in a hypomanic or manic episode and then later regret it. However at the time, it feels right and I feel no shame or anything. They say that this is called transference but I don't understand it. I'm sure your therapist also cares about what happens to you, but after all we are just their patients and they have to keep it that way. I understand my problem but I still daydream about him as my relationship with my husband is very cold and we don't communicate at all. He doesn't understand anything about me.

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It's very hard having to do all the work of getting ourselves help and making sure we stay okay, etc.

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Hallelujah! I think T should bear the brunt of some of this burden and call me. LOL

I think that the transference I'm feeling now, or that I described in my post, is more like that of parent/child.

Of course, I also deal with "the transference that must not be named," but I'm too afraid to speak about it now.

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I'm sure your therapist also cares about what happens to you, but after all we are just their patients and they have to keep it that way.

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This is exactly the harsh reality from which I am trying to escape. I want him to be around, to be a friend to me and my family, but know that this will never be. The pain in accepting this fact approaches infinite (I was taught in therapy not to say that the pain is unbearable, and I didn't).

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my relationship with my husband is very cold and we don't communicate at all. He doesn't understand anything about me.

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I'm really sorry to hear that! I wish you well and hope that you are able to overcome this problem.

Take care

[(JD)]

It is unethical for a T to "just call" you in that respect. Now, if you were to have a standing request to him, that whenever you cancel or miss an appointment, that T will call you, that would be quite acceptable.

Even if a patient calls (purely acting out) I never want to see T again! The T cannot, ethically, call to find out why. The T has to allow the patient to make the first move back to talking.

Ts are not mindreaders. As good as they get, they don't have that down yet. You simply must tell your T what you need from this relationship, and allow T to provide it as best he/she can, if at all possible, and in your own best interest.

TC!

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It is unethical for a T to "just call" you in that respect.

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Hmmmm. That's interesting -- I never knew that.

Yes, you are right. I do need to tell him and plan to tomorrow at the appointment. I know that he will know exactly what to say to allay my fears.

I know that all of this is just my heightened anxiety, but it is still difficult to feel reassured even though you know that you are not being rational. Does that make sense? That's why I am glad that I can post here - you all help me get through these stressful times. Thanks y'all for the support!

[Kiya]

Really?!? Huh! Out of the 4 I have had (all female) I have one that still calls every other month or two to check in. Or sends an email. I haven't seen her in over a year. And I do always feel cared for - it's a nice, rare, feeling.

Reading about so many ppl with male T's , I just don't think i could engage that way. I'd fall head over heels and be a wreck.
Kiya

Wow, I could have written this post myself!

Are you going to share these feelings with him?

I gave my T a letter at the end of last session all about this issue-- knowing that although it is not possible for him to call me and check in...... it just hurts so much.

Sometimes I feel like T can only care about me when I am right in front of him.

[Flowerb]

I think I disagree that it is "unethical" for a therapist to call and check in. At least in my training, it was never framed that way.

Essentially, yes, the client needs to ask for what he or she needs. It is always OK to ask, even if it isn't possible. But sometimes the client just can't reach out until a hand is extended first. I believe in good boundaries, but not ones that are so rigid that harm comes to the relationship or the trust that has been built. I think these things need to be decided individually. The few times my therapist has called to check in with me have meant a great deal to me, particularly when I was suicidal.

That said, I do agree that it would be highly unusual for a therapist to call about a canceled session, particularly if another one is scheduled, unless the client asks for a call back. This doesn't mean they don't think about us or we don't mean anything to them.

I'm sorry you've been hurting.

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Are you going to share these feelings with him?

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I see him in about an hour. Yes, I am going to TRY to share this with him (fret).

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Sometimes I feel like T can only care about me when I am right in front of him.

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Me too. It's like they haven't gone through the stage of object permanence or something. T-- Yes, I exist between sessions!

Kiya - It is difficult to have a male T, but I don't think I would be able to work through this issue if I didn't. I'm really glad that you feel cared for from your T's!

Flowerweb - Yes, it is true that I need to tell T what I need.

Thanks for all of your posts