Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear Dr. S,

I don't think I'm mad at you any more. I just miss you.

1 sleep, I hope I still want to see you come tomorrow.

-me

Tomorrow at this time you will be flying back, i'm excited. It's been too long of a weekend and I need to resolve our issue. It's making me feel crazy

I'm nervous about seeing you again. Ten weeks is a long time.

Trying not to think of you.

I did something REALLY stupid last night. I wanna tell you tomorrow but I’m afraid you’ll never see me the same if I do. A man saved my life last night, literally, but I was so stupid. Then he came onto me and I didn’t push back hard enough because I felt I owed him, after all he

Summertime I am so sorry. Please seek help right away. You didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of.

I know I can call you, and believe you me, I'd do anything to hear your voice on the phone. You have the most comforting phone voice I've ever heard.

But I'm not going to call you. Because 10 minutes on the phone with you is just going to make the next five months without you so, so, so much harder.

Miss you. Love you. Hope you haven't forgotten me.

Dear No. 3,

It was two years ago today you let me leave a session suicidal. You ran the session really badly, which pushed me very close to the edge. Even though I warned you the effect it was having on me.

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to write you an email rant about it, but it would only give some short-term relief at best and wouldn’t help me long-term, and you—you live in a protective bubble world in which as a therapist you don’t understand what the big deal is when you make serious mistakes, much less know how to repair them. Suggestions and requests bounce off your bubble shield like Flubber.

And the really sick thing? If I could be your client again, despite everything, I would.

ATAT

I am so so sick of even trying socially wise. Maybe the only cure is to select, or opt for mutism.

M.

It’s really late and my mind won’t shut down.

Something happened. Something crazy, not literally crazy, but something that I can’t explain and I’ve been trying to process it and piece it together all week.

I can’t wait to talk with you tomorrow about this.

I’m nervous to share it with you but I know you will help me sort it out and understand it.

I feel like it’s connected to the one crying.

I’m hoping that putting this here will help my brain relax and maybe I can get some sleep.

See ya tomorrow.

Trail

Thank you growly. You are always so supportive. I don’t really know if he took advantage, at the time it didn’t even bother me because I was kind of in a trance. Only now thinking about it does it feel strange and bother me. I feel like I’m just overthinking it.

Please T, I’m going to need a lot of reassurance from you today. I’m so nervous and I’m not going to believe what you say. But please say it anyway and make me believe it.

Dr C,

One more sleep till I see you.

I bet you think that nothing's wrong.Or maybe it's always just been me.

I hope you're 1.) Not squeamish and 2.) Cool w/ hearing about lady parts because pretty much the only thing going on in my life right now is my f-ed up vagina.

You're not overthinking it. I'm sorry he did that. Please consider talking to your T right now. Are you safe?

It was weird seeing someone that wasn't you. I didn't manage to stay present for much of it so it pretty much feels like a waste of time (not to mention money) and even though I know he's a T and therefore is used to dissociative states I feel like such an idiot. Why couldn't I have just talked to the guy and maybe even kept my eyes open like a normal person? I feel so....defective. So incapable. So stupid. So sick of being me. And I wonder if this can ever be changed. I know you always say it will take a long time...but what if it just isn't possible. This is just me. Forever.

Just want to highlight the trance thing.

Someone kissed me against my will and I was in a trance and wasn't bothered. Later I was.

That's still completely valid. That person took advantage.

Dear T,
I need to talk to you more about the drinking thing. I hope together we can figure out a way to get me to cut way back...Or maybe even stop, if that's the only way.
LT

The world is feeling like a very dangerous place. Thank you for making me feel safe, atleast for a while, and for being so accepting and understanding of what I told you today. I love you ❤️❤️

Thank you for the email and support with me quitting smoking cigs

Thank you Lemoncake. I’m feeling safe now, and I see my t today

You make a good point, thank you. I was still in a daze from all the emotions. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

I feels like you're still mad at me for sending that email.

Hi t.
Sorry to bother again.
I really want to talk about all these emotions going on and to get help sorting them out. But I have to wait two days. Is it possible to be attached to the therapeutic safe space without actually feeling attached to the person the t is? These emotions hurt and are distracting and I want to be able to discuss them. I'm held captive by my mind.

You're the one who left me feeling like I had been completely crazy and hallucinating. how could you not expect me to email when i did?? You're fired. I think.