Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

T even though it's been half a month I've been doing well. My world is not falling apart. This is huge progress to me. Should I share it with you tomorrow

I feel awful. I'm having all these thoughts about you disliking me. I don't know why, exactly, but that's where I am at this point.

I think you should ask for what you need. They might say "no" but it wouldn't be a personal "no" but due to boundaries or some institutional thing. But they might also say "yes".

Me too and I think its me getting scared and trying to find reasons to run

Thanks for our good talk today about our lack of connection last session. It felt good to get some of that feeling back. I still don't know about telling you the other thing that's been on my mind lately.

Dear Dr. S,

I so want to quit, cancel on Thursday. Maybe not ever go back. I don't think I can keep doing this.

-me

PC: please don't comment

ugh, t. i am so exhausted. and frustrated. and don't know what to do from now on. i don't know if you can help, and i don't want to keep trying other T's.

T, why are you so good to me? I'm glad I made you laugh even though that was not my intention. So long as you don't leave me, I will keep fighting my battles. You're my security blanket, my shield, and my light. I don't think you know how much I need you!

t, i'm really disappointed in myself. i did a crappy job on my quiz for psych class and i know it and i just don't care. is it possible to not care and be disappointed at the same time? well i don't and i am. i should have scheduled for this week instead of next but i don't want to come back ever. maybe you are right. maybe something in me does crave drama. maybe i should go to the next open mic night at the university's poetry center and read something and be extra dramatic in my reading. i am in a sour, bad, crappy, blah mood tonight. my back has been hurting all day. i am angry at you for claiming you didn't say that stuff when i know damn well you did. i don't like feeling angry. poop.

every day I don't get to see you is another day I've lied to you. I'm sorry. please don't hate me

Dear Info and Piaf,

I feel crappy after today’s gynecological checkup. Filthy and extremely nauseous. Like after that SA. That thing I’ve sworn to myself not to discuss with either of you.

ATAT

Happy to see you tomorrow but I am officially convinced you are sick of me, so sorry in advance you have to see me as well

I don't know If I will turn up today. I've been crying about wanting to go home for the past few weeks only to be told " to get lost" by my mother yesterday. I get that you have a life of your own, but you also ignored me over the weekend. When I was young and terrified, there was nobody there to comfort me. I wish I believed you when you told me that you cared about me.

Hugs if you want them. I hear you. It's so sad that your mother is so unsuppportive. No one was there to comfort me too. While I am definitely not your T (I always want T to comfort younger me too), Adult Me would want to comfort Adult You and your younger selves.

Please go see T and tell T your feelings. Your feelings matter. You deserve comfort and support.

T, nothing like a work crisis to pull me out of triggered Vulnerable Child mode...

I'm not angry at you anymore. It is what it is. I do want to explain, though. That whatever it was you actually said, my brain twisted it up into something you didn't mean. You said words though. I didn't invent all of it. I just misconstrued.

Dear T,
Today I did something that caused me a lot of embarrassment (well, maybe not a lot). I try so hard to be "perfect" around others because if I am not it worries me to no end. I sometimes I feel like I have an inner saboteur just trying to make things difficult for me, why do I keep screwing things up? I somehow figured out a way using humor to dig myself out of the problem today. I feel better but I wish I could just be normal one day and not have to be so hypervigilant about myself. I honestly, really don't get interacting with people irl. I completely missed out on that lesson. How do I learn to interact in the world if my views are skewed? How do I know what is real if my thoughts/feelings aren't real? This is often devastating, and it is something that other people wouldn't think is a big deal. Everytime I have an interaction, I review it for possible "faux pas" that might have happened. I'd love to stop, but it isn't an option. What is it like for normal people to just go out to eat or go to work and not have it fodder for obsessive worrying? I am feeling like I am broken and it is painful. I feel like my life isn't so bad, but I am. But I can't get rid of myself, but I am the source of my problem. And how does one solve that?

Dear T,
I'm scheduling again for the Thursday session you offered not so much out of need, but because I think we started down a really helpful path with that exercise today and want to continue it while it's still fresh. And maybe partly because I'm afraid some of what we discussed with childhood memories (even the good ones!) will really hit me in the next day or two. But mostly because today felt like the start of a conversation, and I don't want to wait a whole week to continue it.
So, hopefully see you in 2 days?
--LT

Thank you for this reply QM. I turned up and had a good session despite all the tears.

I am trying so hard to numb myself to the pain resulting from my social anxiety and am failing. It is like stupid things happening in my life now feel like a major, massive incident. I can't stop writing negativity here. This has to get better. I am plagued by minor things and I have no control over it. I feel like I hate myself right now because I can't change myself. I'm sick of myself. Is this going to last forever? i just cant do this. it is devastating me. please tell me there's a way out of this.

Dear Anastasia,

I know I'm not your T, but can I reply here? I'm sure there is a way through and out of all this. I'm sure that is what your T would say, or will say when you ask. Also this is not because you are bad. You have problems with some things, but everyone has their problems. Other people may not have the same ones as you but they will have their own.

Hang in there!

Satsuma, I feel like all I do is complain, but I am having bad luck with this lately so it is getting frustrating. I am trying to find my way out, but for now being able just to get my anxiety out in writing is helpful. Thanks so much for your reply.

hi t, i'm sad we couldn't talk today, but thanks for the text. i still feel shitey about session yesterday, and know i am going to be very nervous on monday when i see you again.

ps: the children were even more insane than yesterday, and that is saying a lot.

Tomorrow, will you remember what we talked about last week? Will you remember what I emailed? Twice? If you do remember and ask about it, do I tell you that I have pushed those memories and emotions back deep inside? That the disordered eating is again quite disordered since I pushed those emotions inside? Do I tell you that since I pushed those emotions aside I feel no emotions? It used to be that you remembered what I emailed but the last two times you have not. Guess it is not that important. I feel disconnected and detached. Do I take my meds? So many questions. I bet I mess up tomorrow.

I'm glad you turned up and had a good session! Crying with attunement from T hopefully is healing