Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I am the opposite, as in whenever she brings up my drinking (i always bring it up first) and talks about AA or anything like that, I go OKAY, DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION and move on.

T--you are probably going to lose your mind in an hour. I am coming prepared! A book! notes! Pictures!

I am nervous as he11, but that is to be expected.

I hope it goes well.

less than an hour until take off, I am excited! hurry back!!

Oh I hate when MC would push the topic, because he would seem so judgmental about it--especially when he'd talk about us taking our daughter to taphouses and stuff (tons of people take their kids there!). Or when he talked about how when they had their daughter he decided to start drinking less to set a good example for her. (So...what are H and I exactly then?)

And I guess I felt a bit...judged when I brought it up last time with T because he said he maybe has a glass of wine a week and no one in his circle drinks very much. But he explained, when I brought that up later, how he was trying to say that what we're surrounded by is what seems "normal" to us. So to me, if I hang out with lots of people who drink, then it seems the norm to me. (I'm doing a horrible job of explaining this...)

At one point, a couple years ago, I asked MC if I could possibly be accountable to him about it. And of course he said no (I know, I need to be accountable to myself...but that's not working). And he was very anti putting any sort of label on it. When...sometimes I think I need labels.

T seems into coming up with more concrete solutions, so hoping he can help me with some sort of actual plan. We spent one session a few months ago talking about it (including basically giving a full history of my relationship with alcohol--one of the few times he took notes), but I think it needs to be discussed again. My favorite line from that session was when I was confessing that I'd had a drink before session (something MC had been very judgmental of when I mentioned it), and T replied, very matter-of-factly, "Oh, I just assumed you had."

Hope your session goes well!

Yeah, my T is not judgey at all about it, and when I tell her to stop talking about it she does. I once threatened to throw a pillow at her

I will admit that your email made me happy. A couple sentences? I feel like I'm grabbing for crumbs sometimes. But I know it's better. And Maybe I wont need the crumbs anymore soon. Sometimes it still does hurt a lot, but I don't dwell on it as much anymore. I just wonder if it's different for you too. Does it affect you at all? You said once that it does, but just in a different way. I didn't really know what that meant and didn't ask you about it. Wouldn't that be so silly , if you haven't thought twice about it. Meanwhile it's taken me almost 2 years to get to the point where I am moderately okay with it. I just hope you recognize the potential power you have to hold over someone else, do you see That?

I also hope you might have learned something from it. It definitely felt devastating when we went from daily contact to one hour a week, no matter how much we discussed it. I forgive you though, I always will

Dear T,
I hope the weather doesn't prevent us from having session tomorrow...
LT

T, your moment of Muppet-style flailing with happiness was basically the best thing ever. I'm really glad you're such an important part of my life.

T: Please never shout and woo again! OMG. Too much reaction and emotion in regards to me telling you I actually felt a tiny bit better after last session.

kthanks.

I'm actually chuckling about this now. That, first you broke me of saying "I love you" back in September, and now you've broken me of emailing you. Well done, Ms. Professional. Well done! You helped me a lot with your pretending to be whatever, when I needed it so badly, and I am grateful, I am, and not angry anymore. It all served a purpose, all of it.

You're still probably fired, though. Because I get the feeling you're done with me anyway. The whole "relationship" stuff just feels so fake, now, that I don't want it anymore.

I'm more interested in my real life now.

Your dog is so cute! Instead of whatever BS you want to accomplish on Friday, you should just bring your dog and let me pet it.

Thanks for the flight info, you've landed, my heart can relax a bit. Phew. Now I hope my stupid voicemail doesn't ruin your evening

Thank you for suggesting that I come see you this Saturday. I know you don't usually work weekends so I really appreciate it. I love you!!!

M.

Thank you for listening to my song.

It meant a lot to me that you wanted to hear it.

I hang on to it as Hope and reassurance, and it was very special to me to share it with you.

TCO

I dreamt an email from you landed in my inbox. It's been 12 days since you ignored the original email and 5 days with the second- but I know you read them both. Maybe I am being dramatic, but I'm not going to turn up today either. I'm hurt by you and I don't think you can even see it.

"I do, I don't need you like you think
I do, I don't, I don't need you like you think
I do, I don't, I don't need you like you think
I do, you don't you just don't... leave me alone."

I feel so heartless, my gosh you thought of me. You thought of ME when you landed enough to tell me that you are ok... and then I had to leave that stupid voicemail saying I no longer matter to you, what on earth? I wish I could erase it and hug you instead.

Oh t I'm laughing rather joyfully at myself all over again! And feeling in awe at this whole process. I'd say I'm sorry for being angry with you, but heck, that was part of my process, so I guess I'm not sorry! It's not like you knew about it this time. I didn't feel angry til a day or so after I was there last week.

And of course I was projecting and creating drama where there was none. That's what I do, haha. It's so clear, now.

I love you. Thanks for texting today. I feel so much better about things. Can't wait to see you Thurs

Dear T,
Signs I like working with you: I'm willing to drive in the sleet to go to our session today (glad you're not too far from me!). Thanks for confirming that we're still on in response to my e-mail. (Hopefully those aren't too annoying...I'd just rather know sooner than later if you're canceling. MC made me particularly sensitive to that...) See you in a little over an hour.
LT

Dear Mrs. T,

I've been preparing all week to finally tell you why I'm always so nervous during our sessions for the past year: it IS about you, but it is nothing sexual; it is more of a "fixation" thing. You see, this has happened ever since I was little, and I know it shall pass, until I become obsessed with something else, so don't worry.

Thanks for the text mr. T

Our relationship is fake, like a special effect in a movie. It gives the impression of being a deep interaction, but you dont really exist outside the 45 minutes and you are proud you have the "firmest" boundaries of all the psychologists in town. I observe your boundaries, and sit in the stair well in tears, trying to fix my face and make up for work. You never know about that, my secret experience of therapy. what would happen if you sat with one of your patients (you dont like "client" ) and saw the world from one of those stairs, looking at the old brick ? I once told you how hard the transition was back to realize, and you said well you can sit in the waiting room.Do you care about your job, about me? have you heard so many hard awful stories they are woodwork to you? I am considering quitting therapy, even though I respect and adore you. You're not there for me, and you promised you would be right by me. I am considering changing therapists, to someone lower powers & maybe sweeter of manner, but I do know I have improved with you and that you have worked hard, been perceptive and always prepared in session. Every interaction with you ends in a lot of anguish- on and on .Dunno. I am sad, and you dont care- you care when it is my turn. Is that a healthy gender role- the male sends away the female peer/patient in tears daily and then doest call or ever check on the damage?

SalingerEsme I just wanted to say that I feel what you are saying.