Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear Dr. S,

You know learning to sit with want and can't have is really hard. It's much easier to sit with don't want, don't need - then there is no can't have and little to no mad because can't have.

-me

Dear FM,

I think I will finally get a better night's sleep. Thank you.

Love,
AesB

Albatross, bluebird, canary, duck, eagle, Finch, goose, hoopoe, ibis, junco, kingfisher, loon, mockingbird, nuthatch, oriel, pigeon, quail, roadrunner, stork, tanager, umbrella bird, vulture, wren...

Anaconda, boa constrictor, chameleon...desert lizard? ... Dragon, Komodo?... eastern box turtle... frilled something or other. Grass snake...huge snake?...iguana, ah, ****, let's switch to produce. Jicama, kale, leek, mushrooms, nectarine, orange, persimmon, quince, radish, spinach, turnip, u..u...u had better think of a new category...

Uganda, Vietnam, Wales, Xanadu? Yemen, Zambia...

Tomorrow!

I really hope you haven't changed.

I miss you.

I am so tired T.

I'm feeling melancholy this morning. Don't know why. Bring on tomorrow.

Dear T,
I'm scared to read your response to my e-mail, even though I imagine it will just be something like, "Thanks for sharing. As you said, let's discuss on Friday."
LT
PS--I think also I'm scared that you'll think I was just writing to you for connection, like MC always thought. When really, it's literally what I said--an aspect of something I'm having trouble bringing up in session.

Edited to add: Yep, that's basically what you said! Though...not sure this was a case when ending with an exclamation point was all that fitting? But that's OK. See you in 2 days.
--LT

See you tomorrow?

do you not realize the level of vulnerability I've laid at your feet?
did you not hear me when I said the silence feels like abandonment?
or is it just too much for you? Am I just too much for you?
i'm losing faith.
it's not you, it's me.

Airedale, bloodhound, chihuahua, dalmatian, English setter, Foxhound, Great Dane, hound, Irish setter, Jack Russel terrier, K? Labrador, Mastiff, Newfoundland, Old English Bulldog, Pharaoh's dog, q? Rhodesian ridgeback, scottie, terrier, u? V? W? X? Yorkie, Z?

American elm, beechnut, chinese elm, dogwood, elm, fir, giant sequoia, (heaven, tree of), i? juniper, k?, larch, maple, n? oak, pine, queen palm, redwood, sycamore, teak, u?, v?, weeping willow, x?, yew, z?

((Argo)) you sure are good at listing stuff alphabetically at this point...

Komondor, Queensland Heeler, Utonagan, Visla, Weimaraner, Xoloitzcuintle, Zuchon (I don't actually know what the game is that you are playing -but wanted to fill in some of the missing alphabet dogs)

This site might help with a few:

Tree Names and Botanical Listings

I am fascinated by your listing of alphabetized things. If you feel like sharing, how is it helping you?

I kind of hate that I see you on Friday at 6. I'll be at work until 4:45 on the Friday before spring break. Can't you just save a permanent slot for me now? If I came back after Valentine's Day, I don't think I'm going anywhere.

I was surprised how disappointed I was when I got your email asking me to reschedule. Usually I take things like that (in general, not just therapy) right in stride.

I don't now regret saying let's just wait until after you get back from your break, but it's been over a month, and being asked to reschedule to another week later made me realize I've been holding onto some things I can't really talk about anywhere else. When will that end? I wish I was to the point that all of this has taken its place and doesn't have to be tucked away until there's space to talk about it.

I know I am in this for the long haul but I am weary.

Oh, T. How do you always know (okay, not always as your e-mail reply last week was totally weird, but that is okay because I enjoy weirdness) the right thing to say?

I hope it is enough to hold me for two weeks. I will never tell you this, but I will miss next week, though you 100% deserve a vacation.

Dear Piaf,

I am not sure what to make of your outright condemnations of 2ex. Other therapists have called him abusive or said “x was not okay to do to you.” Then they’ve assured me that that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad person, but you straight out called him that today. Admittedly it was because I told you he’d said



Both comments pretty obviously aimed at me at least in part.

I don’t think I love him anymore, there’s just a feeling of pity and sadness when I think of him. Still, when you condemn him, it feels odd. I don’t think I’ll ever get that far.

ATAT

ETA: no comments in response, please

Haha - thanks for that, SD.

Anne - Thanks for the link!

It's just busywork. Keeps the mind occupied when unpleasant thoughts get too loud. My T's suggestion, hence the Dear T post. He's big on busywork.

Luc - I know. Beavers will be so impressed with me.

Dear Dr. S,

I need another day tomorrow like Monday but I'm not sure I'm ready to go there again. I hope I can because I do think it is helpful. And I don't know what to do about the big words you used on Monday. I know they were not directed at me.

What do you miss?

-me

I feel really unstable emotionally.

Tomorrow work is going to be a hurricane. I need your office to be s refuge tomorrow night.

I feel less reactive, but don't think our rupture is fixed. I find myself wanting to hold back from you.

Just 4 more days to get through.

M.

I really hope I didn’t offend you by the email I sent you.

There were some other things there but that one thing is bothering me.

I felt like it would have gotten a dotty from you to me, but as usual the critical and judge mental part of me is picking it apart.

I’m visualizing that dotty in my mind.

Ya know.

Thank you for that!