Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Hi T.

This is 90% alcohol talking, but whatever. I have been watching a lot of D&T videos on YouTube this week, and forgot how some of his songs really relate to me. Right now, it is The Stone, and I will never tell you this...

"I have this creeping suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Oh, reassure me, why do I feel as if I am in too deep?
Oh I've been praying for some way to show them I am not what they seem
Oh I have done wrong, but what I did I thought needed to be done
I swear

Oh, but it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go

I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on
I will do the same if the same's you want
But if not, I'll go
I will go, alone

Oh how I wish this
to turn back the clock, do it all over it again

Far from that fool's mistake
And I'll forever pay
I will run and run and I will be okay.

But I was just wondering if you'd come along
hold up my head if my head won't hold on
I will do the same, if the same is what you want
but if not, i will go, i will go alone.

Oh i need so to stay in your arms
see you smile, hold you close
And it weighs on me
As heavy as a stone, and a bone chilling cold

But i was just wondering if youi'd come along...

Tell me you will...

I can't do this day.
I can't do...any of this.
Be a mom, clean, run errands...
I can't do any of it.
Too much guilt.
Too much
Too much
I hate myself

T.

It is a new day. I have slept on the fustercluck to borrow a fellow poster's word of our email exchange yesterday. I feel far, far away from you. What the hell was that, anyway?

Broken. The team that we were, is no more.

I feel sad and liberated at the same time. When our relationship was good, which it was most of the time, it was healing and warm and wonderful. But when we fought, it felt like the most miserable thing ever.

Yesterday, all I felt was a sense of something like disempowered.

Even after that, my heart still loves you.

Bye, t.

I'm really scared I'm permanently damaging myself with these stupid stupid behaviours. Part of me wants that to happen. But I'm a mother now and I need to keep my **** together. I think I need help but I don't want anyone else to know. I don't want medical intervention. I don't want to stop, I don't think I'm ready. I'm nearly at my goal, after all. But we both know I will only move the goal posts again and again. I don't want you to be angry with me for being so stupid.

I haven't stopped thinking about you...

Dear FM and MLK,

All the goodbyes were said and tears dried...well, not quite. I found myself crying before takeoff and during this long layover. It is hard to say goodbye to the people and to something that has been so important in my life and for my growth. In my past I used to have to get angry at a person or people in order to say goodby. Saying goodby was just to painful for me. I am sure it harks back to my childhood when my father went of to war and a military officer knocking at our door to give word about my father. I became a clingy kid and would continue to leave friends and family in anger to justify leaving.

Thanks, to both of you for showing the way. You have taught me it is okay to ask for what I want or need and to handle whatever the outcome will be. You also helped me to learn that out of sight does not mean poof, the connection I have to a person disappears as if it never existed. You guys are seldom on my mind unless I am on PC. I am reminded how you guys were always willing to let me control my process without having to fight you left and right. You were and are solid enough to take care of yourselves.

I'm coming back only for a short while and will share the next leg of my journey.

Love ya,
AesB

PS: MLK, DO NOT EAT MY PEEPs!!!

I like you and I hate myself for it. Damn you, Bubbles.

I need an extra session plz will u accomodate me.

For the first time since I last saw you, I really miss you tonight.

I changed my mind. Your second question wasn't a good question after all. Well, it was the natural question. I just don't want to think about it because once I get past the surface layer, it's too hard.

And, I wonder if you think that telling me it wasn't my fault is validating? (It is, of course it is, and it totally makes sense--says the rational part of me.) Because that means it was completely out of my control, and we both know how tightly I cling to being in control. (I don't say "If only I had...What if...." any more in sessions because I know what you'll say. But I still think it.)

Maybe I will see you on the 17th or perhaps I won't. I cancelled Monday's appointment with the other therapist because I only want you. I don't know what is me and what is my illness.

Dear Dr. S, you feel miles and miles away. -me

Don't give up on me.

I didn't think of you much over this five day stretch, because I want to follow the rules in spirit as well as literally. You say I am too eager to follow rules and appease authority, and will bend myself into contortions to please people, so why are you so strict? I literally have never called you and only texted you once in almost two years- and it wasn't content- just schedule. It might not be a mixed message that you say I need to do what I want to do more often but really wont consider softening the frame, but I experience it that way. For a long time , I was confused but engaged, waiting for an enlightening, brightening moment to understand this. Now I am confused, but resigned and letting go of " co creating" therapy. I think you like the notion of it, of co creating, but you have an ironclad view of how everything should go. I don't think you put me in a double bind, so much as yourself- you want to share power, but you too are afraid to break rules .

Dear MLK,

I am so glad we understand each other clearly in email correspondence and that I don't have to stop to think about how what I write affects you (unless it was about suicide and those thoughts have been gone for years now). It's not a you against me situation.

MLK, you told me I might consider stepping away from the computer and go take a walk or ride the tram. I will because that is a wise suggestion.

Hey t.

How am I even going to face you on Thursday?

Me.

Sunglasses. I will wear dark sunglasses.

You are the first T I would actually allow to comfort me with a hand on my shoulder or a hug during a rough session and I wish you would if it is warranted. I could not let any other T do that and I do not know why I feel differently towards you.

I feel all trigger-y. Triggerly. That's my new word. Yes, I am feeling triggerly today. I like that better than triggered. The difference is that when I'm triggered, something has provoked me into that state. Nothing really happened today, I'm just on edge. Triggerly.

I am obsessing, T. I am also thinking about what you said when we talked about this. I don't think you agreed with my word choice. And you said you thought it is about my avoidance and denial of other things... but I don't want to think of those other things. Please tell me what to do to make it go away. Something that doesn't require me to think or talk about it. Please pull out a magic wand.

You seemed a little down today. I was feeling protective of you today. I wasn’t trying to make you feel old.

I tried it. I tried it again. I don't like it. It's not for me. I'm getting it out of my house.

Dear Dr. S,

Why in the world am I looking for an email response from you when all I did was post here? Can't you read my mind and send a little birdie letting me know you are out there somewhere in the world?

Like you'll magically know I'm writing or something.

- me

Oh ok lol..

It's 3.33am and I just woke up in a panic from a nightmare about you.