Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Only meeting with you once a week is torture.

It's not that I'm in crisis. Honestly I'm in a much better place than I was 6 months or a year ago. But this is the first time I'm really opening up about and processing these things. I can't stop ruminating on them all week and it's an emotional roller coaster. One hour a week isn't nearly enough to process all the thoughts and feelings that are surfacing. I'm agonizing over my thoughts and my thoughts about my thoughts and my thoughts about those thoughts...

I want this progress to be happening faster. I waited 23 years before really opening up to a therapist, and, now that I finally feel like I can, having to do it at this pace is torture.

I was hoping you'd respond to my email and you did... With a lengthy one.. You said good work and you said the fact I'm talking about these things shows huge progress and is a testament to how strong I've gotten. It's nice to hear those things from you. When I think about 7 months ago when I relapsed on H and you weren't sure if you would continue working with me... I feel relief that you stuck with me and that I've gotten clean again... And am back to doing real work with you

Your patience with me and my process is astounding to me. Thank you for being here by my side thru this journey

Me

Ps... What was that text. It was so weird. Lol

Hi
I think I'm going to quit my meds again. I'm not sure.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me, I'm disgusting.
I love you

I'd really like a quick "see you at 5pm" text at some point today. I hate the feeling of not knowing if I should come today but I refuse to bother you between sessions ever again.

Does she usually send a text like that? If so, and she hasn't...might be good just to check in so that you don't show up ready for a session and she's not there (or with someone else). I don't think scheduling confirmations are the same as other outside contact.

Azalea begonia carnation daffodil echinacea **** **** ****.

It's hit and miss. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. No rhyme or reason that I can figure. If I get there and there's another car, I'll just leave and forget about it. If she doesn't open the door by 5 after then I'll text to verify. Maybe. I really don't want her to know that I care or something. I have a bad attitude don't I??

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.

Dont make me want to post something youre just gonna get mad at me for!

See im not posting.
See im not posting.
See im not posting...

Eta - see youre laughing, right?

Eh, it's ok. I already said it to myself, I'm sure. I'm acting like a brat and I know it. See Artie embracing her stupidity and getting over herself.

Oh wait just don't tell me I'm possessed. I might get mad about that.

Thank you for the hug. I wish I could look at you when I'm talking about the things I find difficult, but it's very hard to be here and there. This is one grief I don't feel able to face on my own, and I hope you understand that.

Oh i dont think i would ever tell anyone they are possessed. That would enable them to deny responsibility. I.e., i wouldnt get to blame them? No poking? No way! Wheres the fun in that? Then i would have to go chase whoever is possessing them!

Thanks for the call back, T.

Foxglove, geranium, hibiscus, iris, jack-in-the-pulpit, knotweed, lilac, morning glory, narcissus, orchid, petunia...

Queen Anne's Lace...

Things are changing and I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I will be cowering in my blanket fort until further notice.

I love you so much that I feel like I might disintegrate or implode or something.

Ugh..........

I am having a lot of anxiety again, about going to work tomorrow due to a situation with an administrator. I realize intellectually that it isn't a life or death situation, but again, it leaves me with unwanted emotions that I have to deal with. I am full of dread for something that isn't a big deal. I am so tired of all of this. I spend more time than I would like "tolerating" emotions that are really painful. Which fills me full of dread. This keeps happening and it negatively impacts me each time. I'm glad that I experienced that with you because maybe now it makes more sense, maybe both of us now better understand what I am dealing with.

Dear T,
Do I tell you that I've been a complete failure at reducing drinking since Tuesday's session? Guess I may as well. Though yesterday was an extremely stressful day, and you suggested just limiting drinking (for now!) to times when I'm anxious (then we'll work on anxiety coping stuff). And I think today was partly still a comedown from that. I am being more mindful of my drinking though, I think. Plus, not related, but I did go on a walk today, so I'm doing something positive and healthy.
Nervous to talk about the e-mail though...
LT

Thanks for such a silly and great session on Tues, it's refreshing to get some happy moments in my normally depressing life.... I miss you tons already. Wish I could hug you

I like it when you talk. I know it might be hard to tell sometimes, but I do listen and think about what you say.

Edit: Also, I'm not sure that it's ok that I've started drinking. I never imbibed before... so I don't know how to think of this daily drinking. I mean, it's not like I'm getting drunk or anything, but... I think I am doing it for the wrong reasons - to relax me and help me sleep better and stuff.

Thank you for session today: It was so great to have you keep turning the focus back onto my positive work transition, because I don't often have a lot to say about the happy-happy and the feeling good and the things I'm excited about. It's nice to really breathe in the good in my work and my family and my life. Sometimes I think there is joy all around me but I miss it, let it go by. Being attuned into this positive on-the-cusp transition felt really good, and to share that with you, surprisingly intimate.

Thank you for fitting me in tomorrow for an extra session.

Can I just curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and never wake up? It sounds so much nicer than this back and forth crap I have going on. I think I'm going to run away from you now. #sorrynotsorry #butreallyamsorry

Dear T,

I will be really glad when this whole thing (rupture?) is over. The stress of this is enormous. I wrote you an email this evening and when I re-read it, it seemed so nasty -- and yet I wrote what I really think and I wasn't trying to be cruel. I just hate to think you've read it and are sitting there angry or disgusted with me or sad -- any of that is awful. I hate this.

I guess I should have waited till I saw you but it's six days. I can't stay with this for six days.

I hope you still remember that you mostly like me and just a couple of sessions ago I made you laugh more than I'd ever seen you laugh before. I hope you can keep it in mind.

~ml