Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I'm scared about tomorrow in case you've forgotten, in case you've changed your mind, in case you're angry with me, in case you've decided you're sick of me, in case you hate me, in case I can't speak, in case I can. In case that other T has spoken to you and you're both laughing at how pathetic I am.

It definitely takes a lot of trust ,for me at least!

Do you realize that you used to write me 2 x a week, unsolicited to some degree. You haven't done that in almost a year, now. How am I supposed to feel about it. We never talked about it. You said once that maybe you could/would still do it. I know that was said in passing. It was never brought up again. Do you even remember?

i miss you

Hi T: I am writing the dream I had last night, because I am sureeee you will find much therapeutic value in it. I was in college, and apparently something bad had happened so my friends basically made me go to the college counseling center. I had gone a few times, but felt very "meh" about it, basically because i wasn't feeling much of anything.

Then one day, my body basically just collapse out of pure exhaustion. This went on for days. I would try to get up, but would fall over and just go to sleep. I missed my usual therapy session because i couldn't walk or stand for more than 5 seconds. My friends were getting really worried. It was just profound exhaustion. My T came to the house, and was trying to figure out what was going on. Whenever I would try to get up and walk, I would collapse. I was starting to freak out that I would never improve, and at one point was curled up near a couch and trying to go under it and was seriously hyperventilating.

the T curled down next to me and kept her hand on my back, calming me until my breathing slowed down to normal, and I was sort of awake for this and realized that I was hyperventilating in my sleep and calmed down exactly like in the dream.

Talking to her today, so long since the last time, the pull for B.S. and just going along with what she says as it's not worth speaking up about what I really think. I'm interested to share this convo with you, to wonder about that line.

I'm so glad for you. That was a hard topic for me with my t. It took me awhile to be comfortable talking about that whole subject with her! What made it possible for me was when it came up for me during a phone session one time, during those years she lived out of state. I got comfortable enough talking about it on the phone, that by the time she was back in town I was able to talk about it in person too.

I am scared of you, but maybe not as scared as I am of you disappearing.

We gotta talk this **** through, my dear t. I wonder if you even have a clue how I am feeling?

T-
Family member hurt me today and I don’t know if it was intentional or not.

A friend did not tell me until after his surgery that he had prostrate cancer.

Not happy with humans right now.

Dear Dr. S,

Are you ready for another tantrum session? I've been in this headspace most the day and I can feel the tantrum is right there. I think it might be time to actually talk about the move; 9 friggin' months after the fact.

It is so hard to oscillate between loving and being mad/hating you. And somewhere in there I just want you to love me.
- me

I feel like something has shifted. I had a dream last night that I just can’t shake. You know how the edges of a dream just stick in the corners of the day? One of those.

I dreamt about rescuing children again, of giving them a safe space to shelter from approaching danger, and for the first time, I woke without feeling that I hadn’t done enough or that I'd had to abandon them. I provided shelter and comfort and food and a safe respite from whatever evil they were running from, and I wanted them to stay, but it was okay that they moved on and took care of themselves and made it to safety. What I did was enough.

It feels like the dream exemplifies the shift in some way that I can’t articulate yet.

I’m feeling slightly more stable tonight. Maybe tomorrow we can actually get back to trauma work and out of crisis mode?

I oddly thought of my old T today I was walking down the street and randomly thought of the old T why it popped it up I’ll never know but it reminded me how much how I missed my old T and then I thought of you of course I thought of you and how we just don’t click anymore.

Dear T,

Why have you not returned my voicemail from Thursday? Remember, it was your idea that I call to check in even though you were on vacation last week.

Why did you respond immediately to my text message on Friday canceling tomorrow's appointment when you haven't returned my voicemail from Thursday? You didn't even acknowledge it.

I wish you asked questions or said something about how I might be feeling about having to cancel tomorrow and not getting to see you for another week. Or maybe suggested another check-in phone call? I thought you knew how much I've been struggling lately.

I'm too much even when I'm trying desperately not to be. Too needy, too negative. I knew you would figure it out eventually.

I won't ask if you got the voicemail, and I won't call or text again before my appointment a week from Monday. I'm not going to beg for attention or force myself on you.

I don't think you think of me unless I'm in physically in front of you. I don't fault you for that, I know I'm just another client. I just wish it were different. It hurts.

I hate that as much as this all hurts I still can't wait to see you next week. I bring this all on myself. I should quit therapy altogether, but I won't. I'd rather have someone pretend caring for 50 minutes a week than none at all, I guess. I'm so weak.

-GeekyOne

I don't like sitting with these feelings. I want to run away. It's too hard.

I'm disgusting. I'm disgusted with myself for being such a chronic complainer. I have worked so hard over the past few years to reduce complaining and yet I still keep complaining. I bloody know I drive away people because no one likes being around such a pessimistic,negative, chronic whiner like me.

When I regularly self harmed, I complained LESS online and offline -- Maybe you're wrong about reaching out to friends. I lose them anyway because I complain so damn much. Maybe I should never have given up self harm.

P,

(There's nothing 'Dear' about my feelings towards you...) Please piss off out of my head, and let me get on with the work I am doing now, which will lead to some form of healing/resolution.

Dear T,

I'm probably about to act out and do something stupid. I've only been seeing you for two months, and this would be the first time I acted out like this since becoming your client. There are a lot of contributing factors, but one of them is wanting to test you. Will you realize that I'm too much for you to handle? Will you finally see what I mean when I tell you how much I don't deserve compassion?

(Since this was super vague and could be misinterpreted I should probably clarify that I'm not a danger to self or others)

I'm scared

I lerrrrvvvvvv u

You alright? ((Luc))

((Argo))

I am not feeling well today and the scared part of me is scared and I thought maybe if I let her pretend to speak to T it would help. It hasn't really helped. I spose I'll just tell her to stfu instead like I usually do?

I'm okay... ish.

don't do that...

it's ok to speak and it not help. sometimes that happens. HUGS

I am soooooo glad you had to cancel my Friday and Tuesday sessions. Cancer treatments are kicking my butt and I really needed the break. Friday is going to be here way too soon. I'm glad you were able to have a break from me too.