Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

[TW: self harm. Also suicide mention]

Dear T,

I really need to talk to you before Friday. I'm drowning. I can't handle life right now. I'm overwhelmed and panicking. I really want to call the office to see if you might be able to find an opening, but this is not something we've discussed and I don't know what the boundaries are. I'm worried you'll think I'm manufacturing a crisis. And honestly maybe I am. But the overwhelming anxiety I'm feeling is definitely real, and I can't handle it.

I self harmed this morning and ended up going to the ER for stitches. Is that a good enough excuse to get an extra session? Maybe I did it partly in the hope that the hospital would contact you (as they did with my pdoc the last time I got stitches, before I started seeing you). But they didn't even put me on a hold or make me go through a psych consult this time.

It didn't even help. Usually when I self harm to the point of needing stitches I get a few hours of respite from my anxiety. This time it barely took the edge off and now it's back again even worse than before. Maybe that's because of the naltrexone killing the "high."

Tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of the suicide of the man who was basically my step father for 7 years. March is always hard because of this. I didn't tell you on Friday though because I didn't want to spend the session talking about my grief. At this point there wouldn't be much you could say that would help. I can handle the grief itself. The problem is that I can't handle all my other issues on top of the grief.

Can I call your office and ask for an appointment? Would you be willing to make time for that? Would you think less of me for being so needy?

I dreamed about you last night. I wondered when the nightmares about missing sessions would start up. I used to have them with D, too. I wonder what it means that this has started.

T, with all the dreams I've been having lately, I'm really surprised you haven't made an appearance. I haven't spent much time working w these recent ones yet but I really need to before I see you Thurs. I'm running outta time to do so. At least I assume we're still meeting this week. Hmm.

Although dream work isn't really on the menu for this week. Instead I need to talk about h - specifically how do I handle both his and my worrying about his health now that he took the last of the post-hospital 30 days of antibiotics last night? This 'all we can do is wait and see if the infection comes back' is wearing on us both.

I really wish you would wear your hair down next Monday

t. i'm so angry. i am so upset. i want to do bad things. i don't even know what happened in session to trigger this. of course you are on vacation next week. hope i make it.

I can't wait to see you in 24 hrs. Hoping for a great session and another great hug

Dear Dr S,

Thank you for today, letting me talk about all the things I miss. I do think it helped. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the big words you said.

- me

thanks for the text back, T. what is wrong with me? why do I H-A-T-E the idea of how I am today is just because I was born so premature,and way back when where I wasn't held for over a month? Cry me a river! I don't care about that. It doesn't feel real to me.

I don't know what to think or feel. I guess I have 2 weeks to figure that out.

I think most Ts would be ok with calling and asking for an extra appointment. All of the ones that I have seen have been ok with it.

((hug))

thank you

He doesn't schedule his own appointments. It's an office with multiple therapists and psychiatrists and there's a secretary who manages scheduling.

I had to call in anyway to request an Adderall prescription from my pdoc who also works there, and I asked the secretary if my therapist had any openings before Friday and he actually had an opening at 6pm today. I did a lot of crying but I think I feel better now. I talked to him about my fears about trusting him and of him rejecting me once he sees who I really am and he handled them well. He also walked me through dealing with the email/situation that was a large part of my anxiety.
We didn't really discuss the fact that it wasn't my usual day and he didn't really express an opinion about it.

T,

What I want is not always what's best for me. You may already realize this, but it's important that you not be comforting or give me any kind of special attention or concern as a reaction to me self harming. If I know that self harming is a way to receive those things then it will reinforce the behavior. Don't let me use self harm as a way to win your affection or concern.
I haven't told you this because, while I've been able to admit that a craving for others' concern and comforting is one of the reasons I self harm, I haven't actually been able to bring myself to tell you that I want those things from you and that there's an enormous amount of parental transference going on. Though hopefully you've already figured that one out on your own.

See you Friday.

I hate you
just go away
leave me alone

I can't help but feel like Thursday is going to be very intense. I'm irritable because I don't feel like I know how to do this any more. ('This' being the reckoning of the upcoming anniversaries.)

hellohellohellohellohellohellohellohello

I wish I could have a conversation with a coworker that didn't involve me wondering all of the negative things he/she may be thinking or wondering if she's going to tell other people how horrible I am. This isn't a crisis, but it is an ongoing stressor that gets really annoying. It makes me feel horribly emotionally wise. And it doesn't submit to intellectualization, it doesn't listen to reason. And it can feel really, really threatening. I guess I have such a negative image of myself that I can't imagine that other people don't. But I can't just think, hey, I'm a good person, etc. It's frustrating and demoralizing.

Hi t. I can't decide.

Hi T
I can't call you "deat t" anymore.
You ruined what I think we had.
You don't remember the most important moment (from my point of view) in my therapy.
You don't remember your promise in that session.
I felt a lot better after that session.
I felt we had a connection.
I felt you cared.
But... now... you have no memory of it. None.
Like it didn't matter at all.

I feel I relied on a fake connection the whole time.
I can't trust you.
I am not coming back.

Dear T,

You made a really big mistake, telling me you'd do something important and then weeks later (months actually) telling me you'd changed your mind. But everything I can think to say feels like guilt-tripping you, and as angry as I am, part of me wants to protect you from just how badly you f***ed up. Basically I'm at an impasse, I'm really sad, and I just don't want to talk to you at all. I still can't believe you did this when you are typically such a careful T.

See you in the morning though, I guess.

~ml

Dear T,
Thanks for being caring and understanding today. The thing where you said "I really feel for you" regarding the anxiety meant a lot. Even if near the end of session...you sort of, maybe inadvertently, compared a bar to a crackhouse? And, uh, yeah, I'll start on that whole cutting back on drinking thing...tomorrow? Oh wait, D's IEP meeting. Let's say Thursday then. So that I'll have something positive to tell you about on Friday.

Also, I really don't think that "think of a horrible drinking-related scenario" will work for me. Maybe that worked for the clients you mentioned...But you may need to come up with something else for me...since thinking of horrible scenarios just...makes me want to drink.
Love,
LT

There are many things I do not tell you, and sometimes I forget that it means you can't see the whole picture. But still... I'm not going to snitch on myself.

Dear MLK,

Work sucks and it ain't happening!

Yours truly,

I see u tomorrows

yessssss. i agree with you on that <3

I'm coming Thursday. I hope you'll be expecting me.

Thank you.