Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I want to see you tomorrow but I don't want to have to have a root canal first

actually there has been attachment issues that i hear from some in this forum. i looked weird perhaps to my T, when last year i have skipped for 5-6 weeks, a little over a month without seeing her, other than complaining that T is away on her break for a long time, I have been the one who was taking the break and my T would tell me that I can contact her throughout the break if need be. She said that I needed the continuous support, but I told her that I got a bit overwhelmed after seeing her bi-weekly, meaning twice per week and I started to refrain and told her that I needed "breathing space". I have severe detachment issues other than attachment issues. Anyone can relate?

T, I am an extremely sensitive person. Even the slightest change in tone of voice can get me upset. You have such a kind voice, the reason why I picked you as my T, but in all our sessions you hardly ever say anything to upset me.

I’m not sure that makes you a good t or not. Your reassurance and kindness makes me feel warmth, but I kind of want you to say something that upsets me. That hits a nerve. That gets me to feel. I want so badly to feel. To cry and cry. To ugly cry and not care what I look like. To show you my pain. To look at you in this state and see in your eyes that you really care. I want to see what’s real.

Please, say something to get me to this point.

Hi t it's almost time to meet!!!

Dear long term t-

I don’t ask you for help these days but I tried reaching out, and that is the response I get?
Et tu?

I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow. I'm sick. I'm gonna be sick until you are back, safely

I think I can trust that you are, and will be, everything I need you to be. xx

I'm sorry I was too much tonight. I'm sure you will change boundaries which couldn't come at a worse time but I deserve it, I'm awful and you bet I'll be punishing myself all night and all day tomorrow.

and there's nothing you can do to stop me which both makes me feel relieved and very scared

Just struggling! Just worried.. no nothing!

Welp I did it I called another T ( thanks to my friend who helped me for the encouragement) unfortunately they are booked for a bit but I did it and eventually I’ll meet them. I’m kinda scared when I finally do meet my new T do I ghost on you or confront you. I just know I have this Love/ Hate thing going on so it is just best I leave I know it’s hard but I have to rip off this bandaid and start over.

T, none of that feels real at all. Does it feel that way to you too? This isn't real. It feels all made up and fake and wrong. I don't know why that happened. I don't like this.

I feel like my brain is on fire. Yesterday's challenge was enough - it's hard being so affected by something apparently trivial. They're only (Easter) cards, for goodness' sake. Then it exposed just how checked out I have been.



Everything feels so much worse because of the time of year. I don't think I'm in a particularly receptive state of mind right now, so I'm not sure what I need.

When you told me you don't like your reflection, I was like ??? Should I remind you you're Mister Universe?

I think it (telling you you're beautiful again) would be another boundary crossing... But... You know, it helped me to understand how strange is this world. I mean... I think that someone is so beautiful that he might not be human... While he doesn't like his reflection. Interesting.

You give me so little to go on to get obsessed with you, but part of me is really really trying to increase my obsession. It’s starting to hurt so bad.
I picture you looking down, reading my notes I gave you to read: one of the very few times I have been able to look at you. It felt safe to look because I knew you had to look down to read.
I picture your style of shoes that you always wear, and the loud sound they make when you walk. I like that I can hear you in that way. I can listen out for it.
I picture your perfect salon nails, and how perfect you seem.
I wonder what your handwriting is like. I really want to know.
I just want to be able to watch you and for you to not know I’m watching. I’m such a creep

I'm not sick but I'm not well

3 hrs, I'm scared. I hope this is fixable. I promise though I'll never reach out again. lesson learned. I'm on my own outside of session...I just need you to at least pretend I matter while I'm there.

I asked for an extra session to talk about the things you said yesterday . I'm working in my parts journal with it. I hope u can accommodate me thus time, I think it will be helpful for me to see you soon to process it rather than wait a whole week. What do u think?

I woke up with a heavy feeling and just wanted my mother.

I emailed you instead, and I know you read it this morning. I guess this is the time of no reply.

...thank you.

the rest of the lyrics are at the tip of my tongue...but can't quite get there

and I'm so hoooooooot, 'cos I'm in heeeeeeeeeell

T
Please don’t hurt me

I'm sorry I'm annoying, hopefully seeing this next week you don't hear from me at all, you realize you can still trust me, I wont intrude or bother you

Thanks for offering to do a phone check in this weekend. That means a lot to me. I feel like you really do care.