Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

hi t. i actually feel a smidge better after tonight's session? not really sure why, because i still feel like i didn't really get to the point of what i am circumventing, but i don't know, i don't feel so shitey! weird.

I’m scared to walk in. I wish you were here to push me. Literally

I miss you, can not wait to call tomorrow. Hopefully it wont be at a bad time. I want to hear your voice

Dear Dr. S,
I don't want to be like this. I can't email you because it won't make a difference.

2nd session without an I love you.

-me

I don’t see a way forward. Help.

Stealing this lol

Yes maybe that email wasn't worth acknowledging- but you made me feel like I was 14 again and reminded me of that psychology teacher who told me she would be there for me if I needed to talk,yet when I emailed took 34 days to respond back. I remember because I counted each day. I just wanted her to care so badly. I wanted you to care. You told me that you did, but I don't feel it and I'm tired of giving pieces of my heart away. Begging others to love me because I don't love myself.

So here I hate you for letting me get attached. I don't want to talk to you anymore. You hurt me just like everyone else except that I paid you to do it in the name of healing.

Just wondering. Someone brought up that we aren't supposed to reply to posts in this thread. Where does it say that? Maybe that's an old rule? Who decided it and why?

Dear T,

I wish you could stop my physical pain. If this is the rest of my life, I want to die. It's not worth it. What I wrote in my email isn't all true. You're helping me by being there for me, and I don't think heartmates is just a technique. I believe you genuinely love me along with every one of your clients. I'm sorry. It's the pain. I can't take it. I still want to know if you think you can help me with my other stuff. I know you're imperfect but I love you anyway! I got only 4 hours of sleep last night. This disease sucks!!!!!!!

Because it should be a safe place to write to your t. But sometimes people (im looking at me!) get uh "oversupportive"? Not really a rule, just implied by the name of the thread. Usually people are pretty cool about infringements to it.

Well....I think that was a good session? Admittedly, there were some scary moments for me. Last time I just put my head down and tried to sleep...I ended up crying myself to sleep. There wasn't enough time remaining in the session for me to tell you that, though...so that's the bombshell I begin with next week. Woohoo!

It feel like I bought a house on top of the San Andreas fault. Please help restore things. Please tell me this can be restored at all.

Dear T,
I warned you I’d get attached to you on our first session, so you set strict boundaries. But still I wonder if there’s anything I can say that will take this attachment too far.
Last session, after I said I do desperate things because I want people to see and do what I want them to do, you said twice “what do you want me to do?”
I didn’t say all of what I wanted, because I feel nothing in sessions, so technically I didn’t want you to do anything right then.
But it’s when you’re not there, that I want you there. I guess I managed to say ‘I just want you to be there when I feel sad.’ But I didn’t say how I want you to hold my hand and for our bodies to touch. I have said nothing of how I crave your touch. It is a massive need for me, but I don’t think I can say it at the moment because I feel disgusting and fat and ashamed. To want touch, I would need to be very small, like a child, be pretty and for you to like me. Actually because I am not any of those things, it is difficult for me to say a lot of what I want to say. If I wasn’t so disgusting everything would feel a lot easier to say.

After this session last week, you emailed to say you were ill and couldn’t make Monday. You said you understood this might be distressing for me and you were right. I broke boundaries and emailed you 5 tines, although you didn’t reply to any of them. I just felt really sad, not angry. I believe that you are ill. I selfishly wanted you to know how I felt, even though you were suffering too. I told you that I wanted you to be here and for you to say “I know” like you did last session. I guess we might talk about this next session. I really hope you don’t just ignore it.
I just want you to hold me and say “I know” over and over. You seemed like you really understood my pain when you said it last session. I crave that again. It upsets me so much that I can’t bring my pain to sessions, so the fact that you understand as much as you do, really means a lot to me.
Which is why I need you here now. How can I become so obsessed with you when I know nothing about you. I need you so much it hurts, but at the same time there is a strictness about you which scares me. This strictness prevents me from telling you how close I feel because how can I, when you have set those boundaries? Well turns out I can. If I told you I keep thinking you will say “there is no need for that.” Those exact words go around in my head. I want to push it and see but my biggest fear is that rejection.

Sometimes I just think...I dunno...I'm not meant to be in social situations of any kind. They inevitably do bad things to me.

i am so grateful you've scheduled in an extra session for me whilst you're on break but I also feel so so bad about it. I feel like I've been manipulative and horrible and you felt like you had no choice. But I know that you offered, I didn't ask. So why do I feel like I've done something wrong? I also feel like because you offered to give me numbers of other Ts I could contact whilst you're properly away next week it means you're trying to palm me off on someone else? Like were you hoping I'd see someone else and then not come to see you anymore? Or am I just being crazy? Probably the latter, right? I think you're just trying to look out for me, I know you're concerned. I'm concerned too. The fear is so strong right now. See you in 13 days, I guess.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I appreciate you really wanting to understand the written stuff from that exercise. And then you brought it up again later in session, too... I like how you think of therapy not with you as an authority figure, but as the two of us on more equal levels and collaborating. Also, I admit I'm maybe a bit amused by how squeamish you are about blood and guts stuff...not that I can say much as someone who gets lightheaded from getting bloodwork done...
See you Friday,
LT

Cancelled again
I somehow knew when i needed you someone else would be more important. Just do whatever

Dear MLK,

Your email response was very funny. A mommy who knows her baby's cries. Touché¡

I'm getting better.

I'm currently abroad right now, I won't be back until August

I know you said this feeling won't kill me, and I agree in theory.
But this morning I'm not so sure.
I literally feel like I'm not going to survive this break.

Yes this may just be classical acting out,but I don't think that I'm actually too complicated. I just wanted you to tell me that whilst it was my choice, you'd be there for me regardless at 6pm. You didn't reply at all- that's on you not me.

I had this dream last night that I was back at my primary school in the lunch room.With a girl I never really liked. We're sat drawing on the white tables in front of the large windows. She does something and I tell her I want my colouring pencils back. That I would have accepted her behaviour then but not now. Then I'm racing down the long path from the front of the school.

Running...

I think one thing I'm going to reinstate is freedom to write in dear T whenever I please. Thank you for today. You were very helpful. Even if most of what you were doing was paraphrasing me and making sure you were on the same page as me. I needed to hear that you are. You really heard me when I said I needed to take the lead on this.

Thanks for calling yesterday to check in, even though we didn't really talk. Honestly though I'm not worth extra effort, so you can just take care of everyone else and yourself instead.