Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

hi again t, i talked to h a little last night about the projection stuff and how blown away i was by the idea and he said you do that with me all the time you know.

I don't wannaaaaaaaaa.
But I'll see you in 2.5 hours I guess.

Hey will u text me back =]

Oh, T. I wish this wasn't so hard. I don't think you want me to hurt like this, but I do. I don't think it's ever going to get better. I miss the way I used to feel when I was with you. It made the rest of my life feel safer and less chaotic. Now it's all pain.

Okay I've lost traction. I'm back to feeling like you don't care. But I am also thinking that I should talk about t1 abandonment and why I "don't trust trusting people." So my logical brain is saying I am pulling away from you because I don't want to trust you with this info and then get hurt. By the prominent voice in my head is saying every combination of: (i) run, (ii) I am just looking for attention, (iii) I am overreacting to something that was nothing. And it doesn't help that when I reached out for another session you just said no but that you could email me if one became available. Ok the rational brain says - acceptable response. The prominent voice is saying, 'see t didn't say I could email her back so she doesn't really want to talk about this because I am attention seeking.' I should just get over myself.

I miss you. I know you're far away from me now because you told me you were travelling today. I hope you're safe and happy.

Thanks, RS. It feels like that's exactly what's happening, and it's just looping instead of processing.

She does do EMDR.

That's a whole other ball of wax, the EMDR conversation we had in the fall. Still not sure what that was or whether I even want to bring it up.

Dear T,
You were really awesome today. I really didn't expect you to be willing to say those things that I asked for. And you seemed to really mean it when you said you wanted to work with me. It makes me feel like more than just your job. That I'm not just an interchangeable client where it doesn't matter who, as long as you get a paycheck. Though I think it hasn't completely sunken in yet. It's like I'm afraid to really accept it, to accept your caring and willingness to work with me. That you're willing to work with the attachment or transference or whatever you want to call it, even if it's not totally in your modality or area of expertise. Thank you. For reading what I had to say and saying that part back to me and seeming to really mean everything you said. Of course I'm terrified, but I'm going to do my best to believe you and take you at your word...
So...thanks,
LT

Get well soon
Sucks you're sick

What am I doing t? H is going to have a fit. I can't start this all over again. I can't. I want to. I really want to. But I just can't. Ugh. What am I going to do now?!

I briefly lost my mind, got caught up in the moment, the excitement of the work, when I asked to schedule. I'm going to have to cancel the 15th. Can we please just table the discussion until the 29th? I mean hell, it's already been more than 7 months since the situation we were talking about, what's another month?! I have to wait until the insurance crap is straightened out!

Omg! I cannot wait to see you next week. "Things" are starting to happen and I really want you to be one of the first to know. Who knew, right?? Well, I think you probably did given what you said and did for me the other day.

I miss you already!

I'm so scared you're going to forget about me
Do you ever think of me?
Even just once

Oh T. You don't know this but today you broke my heart, broke my soul, and made me forever give up on my belief in people. You upended my world today and took away any feeling of safety I had started to have. Stupid of me and my own fault for having actually believed you. Well, I will be OK. I always am.

An absolutely stupid amount of my energy is spent loving and missing you. I do wonder how this is supposed to be helpful sometimes. 'Trust the process' I guess...

Throw me a bone sometime soon, and let me know what's happening next week? Surface layer is feeling very vulnerable at the moment.

I hurt a lot. I asked for an extra appt and you said no but you will email me if something opens. But you didn't say that I could email you. But you write things like, "As always, I am always happy to hear from you." I am in pain. But I am safe

I told h last night I'm seeing you again in a couple weeks to talk more about the projection stuff. Cuz when I mentioned it to him Thurs nite he said I do that w him all the time. I don't care if it was or wasn't that w you in July. I care that my h said it is w him and that's what I wanna work on. Learning how to recognize it and stop it and catch it sooner now that I am aware. He was not mad. Did I project my fear onto him before and see it as anger?? Damn.

One step forwards, 10 back! Oh and I've let people down yet again. Im not even sure I care though!

oh my goodness t. i just remembered that you read back one of my dreams from december to me the other evening. it was so embarrassing to hear you read it out loud because the dream was so full of feelings. and i thought it was embarrassing reading it TO you!! haha

Happy birthday!!! Thanks for the email =]]

oh. and thank you for telling me why you were getting labs done the other day when i saw you there. i wasn't going to ask but i sure wanted to know. well, i guess i should say i wanted to make sure you weren't sick or something, that's all. i'm glad you're not. i'm not done with you yet. heh.

I sent you an email asking if you were still going to work with me.

I want you. I don't want you.

I don't know if I'm about to do what I normally do, and run away from something when it gets tough! I'm trying to not react and make a rash decision, but quitting seems to be what I do best... maybe a nerve has been hit recently, maybe I'm scared, I don't know... really trying to resist, sit it out and regroup!