Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

I totally get how that could seem intimate. It's kind of weird that T's can be so sensitive to clients' body language and yet sometimes don't realize what their own might be conveying.

I found that just not having our shoes on one time made the whole thing feel different, though it was just a platonic coziness for me.

Should I tell you about my break from meds?

Baby goats are such a delight, i love their curiosity and their sense of completeness and confidence in what they do. The newborns couldn't be touched but those a week or so older were in their own pen, and came up for affection and the chance to nibble on a shirt or jacket. Without a companion, I also noticed other people more than I would have if I'd been chatting with a friend. The happiness of the little kids, their squeals at the hard gums of the baby goats on their fingers, and the way that the fat-cheeked baby just plopped on the ground and stared at the pen of goats like he was watching the most spiritual event he'd ever witnessed. His hippie parents weren't staring at their phones, but just enjoying standing behind him. They tried picking him up but he squawked, and they just waited, on his timeline. I wish I could see who that kid is going to turn out to be.

T. I want to ask for help and I don' t. I want to because this is so unbearable. I don't want to because that would bring relief. Relief is not what is needed. It needs to be faced.
I cannot bear it. Me. Us. This. I hold me to account in front of the mirror. Relief is not to be given to this person.

Dear T: Day 1 of New Life Without Old Job

I cannot stop smiling. I spent the few minutes of my early morning wakening cuddling with the dog, imagining the day ahead. I had deliberately decided not to ask a friend to go with, as practicing solo journeys out into the world and being comfortable with them is something I want to appreciate me. I had planned to visit two of my favorite places, the goat farm and the plant nursery, but just as I was planning to leave, it started to rain. I decided not to go.

Then I thought, with my long leather jacket, my gardening boots, and a hat, what difference did the rain make? It wasn't that cold and I could tromp through the mud at both places then leave the boots outside. I went.

Baby goats are such a delight, i love their curiosity and their sense of completeness and confidence in what they do. The newborns couldn't be touched but those a week or so older were in their own pen, and came up for affection and the chance to nibble on a shirt or jacket. Without a companion, I also noticed other people more than I would have if I'd been chatting with a friend. The happiness of the little kids, their squeals at the hard gums of the baby goats on their fingers, and the way that the fat-cheeked baby just plopped on the ground and stared at the pen of goats like he was watching the most spiritual event he'd ever witnessed. His hippie parents weren't staring at their phones, but just enjoying standing behind him. They tried picking him up but he squawked, and they just waited, on his timeline. I wish I could see who that kid is going to turn out to be.

I didn't find anything I wanted at the plant nursery, it's really too early in the season. I did watch a couple of videos from the farmer's almanac about planting seeds and think I might start up with those. I'm looking forward to turning the garden into a haven for writing and relaxing like I did last year. This year I'm going to use my lawn guy to do more of the heavy lifting and planting so I don't blow out my elbow again.

More day lies ahead, and I am working on my creative project, cooking the dog's food for the week (I haven't told you this as it's extremely trivial, but I think it helps supplement her acupuncture/chiropracty work). This morning she flew down the stairs rather than hopping. I don't think I can hope for her arthritis to get better, but hopefully I can stop it from getting worse without medication. Food is healing, and I am trying to keep that in mind as I move into this next phase of life.

Should I tell you about my break from meds?

I'm off my meds too. Twins!!