Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

hi
i see you today
d'no what to talk about tho

I took my meds

Call me back, please.

........

Dear Blondie —

I am in utter and total awe of how Machiavellian you can be — your advice on how I should handle home + work situations has left me with ummm.....a great deal of respect for how your mind functions?

I thought I was a shark but now I feel like a 3 year old learning at the feet of the Master in how to deal with crap.

I suppose I should be thankful as well that you haven’t quite turned those powers against me?

Or, have you? And, I’d just never know?

- AY in awe

Thank you, as always, for being so prompt. I'm now very anxiety ridden, but I'll see you tomorrow.

Glad you heard back quickly and were able to get a session tomorrow!

I’m struggling with eating again. I hate the way I look and I don’t want to go in public. I have no motivation for school, I can’t get myself to do my homework or go to class. Nothing makes me happy anymore that used to. I just want to disappear.. I hope you can help me today

Was good to see u briefly this morning... And to see you're not hating me or anything lol

I need to learn how to make a decision and stick with it and stop 2nd guessing myself crazy. I've not learned this yet in over 55 years of life.

Let's just take April off.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. Much of it was more practical, but helpful, as you explained career stuff differently than others had in the past. But we may need to talk about our therapeutic relationship and the fears I have around feeling connected to you (which I have felt lately). You know how I said those tears near the end of session didn't seem to fit what I was feeling about MC? I think they were partly about you and being afraid...But then, I'm also afraid to discuss this topic, so...maybe I'll avoid it for a little longer. Let's see how I'm feeling on Friday...
Love,
LT

I'm obsessing over when/if you will go on vacation. I may act all nonchalant, but it's a facade. You going away makes me very, VERY anxious.

T: the angry, a-hole, irrational brat-child in me is resurfacing. All signs point to me being pissed off af at you. For no logical reason, mind you. Hope you're ready to deal with my nonsense.

T: I missed you tonight, except if I was there, it would be more of the same. I hope you are having a good vacation. If I survive this week, it will be a net positive.

I was so excited to see you and now all of the sudden I'm worried to see you... maybe I don't even want to see you. Why do I feel this way??? When we see each other again will you also not want to see me?

Dear T,

I'm really apprehensive about our upcoming session. Will you say yes, or will you say no?

If no, can I truly accept it?

Hi T,

I feel like you're leaving me alone with all of this... Please don't leave me alone. I need you.

Really struggling again! Feels like with your help I build myself up then come crashing again! I suppose I'm not crashing like I used to, but the desire to just run and isolate gets so so strong!
It's hard to have a desire to run when you have nowhere to run too!

Really wish I was speaking to you right now! I'm starting to feel you don't even exist.. I don't wanna reach out. I wish that u would!

Blaaaaaaaaargh!

Stressed out. Miss you. Etc.

Excited to see u tomorrow!!!

T,
I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to handle this. I need you to help me and I need to figure out how to handle all of the sooner rather than later. My life is falling apart. I'm screwing up in ways I can't undo or fix.
Loving myself is all fine and good, but right now I need to not get kicked out of my PhD program because I'm too anxious to handle paperwork.

so...hugs
apparently that's a convo we're gonna be having soon

hi t. last night went a bit awry. i went to a store after work to try and come home around the same time as if i had gone to therapy. that part was okay. i think i was so exhausted from all of my 4 am wake ups that i drank entirely too much, though it did cure me of a 4 am wake up today.

i am going to try to do what you said, something i enjoy, however small. it’s so hard to do, especially when i am exhausted after work, but i will try.

hope you are having fun w your family on vacation.

...Jackfish, Koi, Lamprey, Moonfish, Nurse shark, Opaleye, Puffer fish, Q?, Ray, Shark, Tiger shark, U? V? Walleye, x-ray fish, Yellowfin, Zebrafish.

Y'know what else t, and I feel guilty about this, but honestly, I mean I love coming there and all but there's other stuff I want to do too - but can't afford to do both - and I'm starting to want the other stuff more than you. I feel guilty about that because I feel like I owe you so much. Why do I feel like I owe you more than I've already paid? What is still wrong with me that I actually feel guilty for feeling better than I did when we started?