Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T: Day 2 of New Life Without Old Job

I woke up this morning at 5am with purpose and joy, enjoying my morning coffee. This batch of Ugandan coffee I roasted just under expresso is so good, and the bulletproof first cup is luscious on this fifth day of my bone broth fast. One of the things I love about fasting is how all my senses seem heightened, everything smells and tastes so pure, the trees are brighter green this morning, I see the world in sharper acuity. I tossed a cinnamon stick in the chicken broth that's been simmering on the stove, and the whole house smells like roasted chicken and cinnamon rolls, savory layered with sweet. The sun is glowing through the just beginning to blossom trees.

I love how it feels to have no job but the usual consulting work that I love. I love the idea that the only time I'll have to "go to work" is when I travel. I love that I'll never have to attend another stupid meeting or deal with the administrative bureaucracy again or explain useless stuff in email. The environment had such a negative vibe to it, I won't miss feeling like I'm moving in a sea of unhappy people. It has been hard to let go, though, even more than just the secure paycheck. The job was part of my identity for so long, even though I recognized the signs of burn out in the last couple of years. I feel like I have made an impact and built something intangible over my time there, had become something of a master in what I did. The freedom from walking away was a little bittersweet, as maybe if the context was not so negative, I could have done it for another 15 years until I really am retirement age.

But today I have billable work to do, deadlines to start meeting, and this week will be a busy one, with not a lot of time for the creative project. I am keeping in mind that there is no reason to rush, and every reason to savor the opportunity to dip into when I can. The three months of the summer-fall that I am protecting from any work commitments will arrive soon. The luxury of time to create is another tangible benefit of this transition in my life.

T,

My PCR failed yesterday. You don't necessarily need to understand what that means, just know that it's often said to stand for Pipette, Cry, Repeat. So not a rare occurrence, but an incredibly frustrating one.
Instead of hurting myself in frustration or rage-quitting and going home I wrote out a thought record on it, stayed in lab, and worked on finding a solution to the problem and getting other work done on another project.

Are you proud of me? Please be proud of me. Or at least pleased with me.