Scary T

What if I walk in to therapy tomorrow and T is wearing a horrible, scary mask---one of those big rubber jobs with a wild wig attached? What if he does that to repel me the way I feel repelled by myself? Oh I'm in such a crummy place right now. I am sure that on some level he is as disgusted with me as I am with me. That he won't accept me anymore. That the caring I felt was all a ruse and that he will turn into a monster who roars at me.

I don't know. For me, I'd decide I was projecting and turn it all around (I'm trying to repel him because I feel repulsive and don't think I "deserve" his acceptance/care). Then I'd work on the I-feel-repulsive nonsense. My cat's sitting next to me, wants and needs me, I can't be too repulsive can I? Why should I repel myself if other's don't?

(((((((sister))))) im so sorry you are having a hard time right now.

sister, it sounds like things are really tough for you right now. Will you share the mask fantasy with your T at your next session? I hope you feel better about yourself soon.

yeah. i'm scared that my t will see my friend and be all excited about him and about helping him. that my t will be thinking about him and worrying about him and that i'll just fall off the radar. that he will yawn when we are together. that i'll bore him.

insecurities huh.

(((((((((((((sister)))))))))))) <- if safe

Sister, I have those thoughts constantly. But when I tell T that i feel shes gonna laugh at me or whatever, she says "what like your mother did"? Even though I know shes right what shes saying, I still feel she is going to do it also. I asked her how can I get over these thoughts and fears? She said, we just keep on plugging away at it.

Sometimes I ask T right in the middle of the session, "Are you going to kick me out?"

It might feel safer now for you to "transform" your T into something else.

Please let us know how the session goes.