Having scary thoughts

I think I have to be really vague in this post, so as not to scare anyone.

I've been having frightening thoughts for the past 24 hours. I've been thinking of things I want to do, things that would fix it all for me. They're terrible thoughts, of doing immoral things. But not to worry, I'm afraid to do any of it. I just feel like it would fix so much.

It's this terrible, psychotic way I heal myself. If I think of doing these things, just lashing out at everything that plagues me, it makes me feel better in this twisted way.

I've always been too egotistical to check myself in, but tonight's the night, I have to or I could do something regrettable. So I think I will institutionalize myself. It's time guys. Tonight as soon as it gets dark, and no one can see me taking my suitcase out, I'm going to leave, cross the state line and find a place to stay, far away from my problems and without means to do anything with bad consequences.

Am I freaking out too soon? Am I overreacting? Maybe it's too soon, is it? And I'm sure they'll make fun of me. I know how they are, people who work at those places. They don't have half the mental capacity that someone like me does, but they can laugh at the fact that my thoughts hurt me. I'm just doing it so I'm in a state other than my current one, no other reason. I don't respect any of these people.

Yeah, it's me again, you know the drill. Just ignore me because you all think I'm a freak or something.

thats not the case blues... im in my own funk... started to reply, but didnt have the right focus...

imagine yourself not freaking out... how do you get there?

treat yourself well...

hope some others will have ideas to help...

I'm sorry you feel so worried about yourself. You don't have any friends where you are that you can trust to help? That's sad.

I hope you find a place to rest if you go tonight. I would look around online first to find a place that might work okay, have a place picked out and know how to get there.

I don't think anyone can say if it is time or too soon other than you and how you assess/feel about it all?

i read somewhere else at pc...

"i realize there is nothing i need to do right now, in this moment, to be ok...

except breathe and be stil...."

sorry it took a bit to respond today bluesguy...

i try to prepare for my future by not doing things today that i'll regret tomorrow....

i wish that thought came in a pill and i remembered to take it everyday...

Given my position, I don't have to stoop down to going online to find a place to stay when I'm going to go insane. I know exactly where I'm going, but it's probably not even going to help.

And there is one person I can trust, but thinking about her is a reason I have to go tonight, among other things. I think I'm going to quit my job tomorrow and plan on staying at this place for an extended period, until they force me to leave, or I run out of money.

Maybe you and she can go to a third party for help and you won't have to quit your job or leave or worry about her safety?

Well, the female part of my many problems won't be solved that way. It sounds like you're talking about marriage counseling. This is a girl I'm in love with, but due to circumstances, I can't tell her and I know I'd get rejected because I've become a complete freak right before her eyes.

I'm going alone, if I even go. And my job, I'm quitting it. I need to figure out how to not do something I'm going to regret. Right now I'm having all these thoughts of how I could fix my lfie and they all involve things I'd get in trouble for later.

No, I'm not talking about marriage counseling, I didn't know she was your love, just thought you "trusted" her. Use that trust! She will help you. I imagine (have a good imagination :-) that you are afraid you will hurt her in some way if you stay. I think you will hurt her more (and yourself) by leaving precipitously as you're planning. Give other people and yourself more credit than that! Stay and work out your feelings/worries. If that doesn't work, then somewhere down at about choice 4 or 5 will be wrecking everything by quitting, leaving, hiding.

Well I'm going to come back, I'm going to get her. I'm even secretly hoping that she'll follow me. I'm leaving a note, don't worry.

As for resigning, it's something I've been thinking about for a while. I'm in my office right now and I could go to the administrative building and do it if I'm ready today. It's a Friday, so it would be a convenient time for it to happen.

I'm not "worried" about your coming back; you're not treating her with respect or letting anyone help you. She may not be here when you get back. Secretly hoping for something from someone is immature (not bad or wrong, just unrealistic) if you don't clue them in on the "plan". People who kill themselves or do other drastic things leave notes; you need to talk to her/others in person, give 2+ weeks notice if/when you decide to leave your job (not for convention, but again, to help the other guy out as well as out of respect for yourself) and have another job lined up.

You seem like you're just trying to be rude to me. Maybe not, I'm still open to hearing what you have to say.

Even if I quit two weeks from now instead of today, I'm not giving two weeks notice. I hate this place and I'm going to quit and screw up their system. Anyway one of my underlings can take my place, I'm sure they'll be happy to see me go. But then I'll have to take them to court over their rights to my papers because I know how that's going to go.

I don't know, it's going to cause some more complications, what's going to happen now, but I think in the end it may be better. Quitting the job and just taking some time away from where I live right now.

blues... i really understand the 'leave right now' feeling you're having...

ive done it but only a few times.... really regretted it...

i know the pressure is strong with what you feel right now....

think about what Perna is saying... its better for your future even if they dont deserve the consideration and i know some corps dont...

but its better for you to give the notice, isnt it?

dont become what you despise?

I'm not going to pretend to have morals about this. I despise this place enough that I don't care how long the selection process takes to find someone else who can handle what I was doing. I don't care how much the lawyer costs to reverse whatever I signed giving this place the rights to my research.

Its time that I move on, do something for myself. If I don't, I'll end up succumbing to these terrible thoughts and do something bad. I'm trying to save myself right now. And by doing this, I think I'll save a lot of people a lot of trouble. The woman, the school, and anyone else who has to deal with me.

some can find themselves in solitude bluesguy, so thats something i searched for...

to do a greater good, sometimes a sacrifice seems the best option...

it is not always...

to grow i need an environment conducive...

if i am a danger to myself or others, i need refuge...

i dont always know what i need for myself best...

patience gives me time to examine carefully what i almost thought of doing impulsively....

it prevents me from creating regrets and hurting more than only myself

being still and giving myself time removes me from self and other harm...

at a time later i am better able to see the seriousness and repercussion of my would have been mistake...

i am better able to heal myelf by being cautious and mindful of my unintended creativity...

i think i can handle it, but.... until i am there, i know very little about that reality...

i chose one day to start to heal.. i chose to care about my and others well-being....

i made a turn.... preservation of the healed whole image i kept for myself turned me back towards good self-care...

im hoping you will find a positive way to help yourself and others if that is what you truly desire...

The girl is not going to be waiting for you at the end of the rainbow. You already said she was involved with someone else. That means she won't come running if she sees a note.

As far as leaving without notice, well that might not be the most intelligent thing you've done but I do know the feeling. You haven't mentioned that you were independantly wealthy so I'm assuming you will have to work sometime in the future. Your next employer may thing not be so open to your intelligence and winning personality if he finds you left your current position without notice.

I hope things work out for you. If hospitalization will work for you then go for it. For me I will never go to the hospital again. For me I'll take the other way out.

Blue, how is everything going? Sorry i've not been around much lately i've been abit up and down.
How did it go on friday? Did you finish your job? I know how you feel about just wanting to uproot and get out of the place you are in now, my ultimate fantasy at times is to just run away, go to the seaside and live in a BnB where i do not have to leave my room or see anyone at all ever...it is a fantasy though, because for one i don't have the guts/energy to get up and sort out getting there ( ) and also i pray that if i keep goiing despite how i am feeling, i will continue to pave the way for my future.
I totally agree if you have had enough of this type of work with these people then why not leave, noone says you have to stick around so if you feel you will be better if you left then you should. But i also think the others are right, sometimes/most of the time despite being depressed and all of the other feelings, we have to use our logic and go along the right paths. That is why i always think to myself that even if i'm feeling the lowest ever in the world, it doesn't give me the right to be rude or not fulfill my responsibilties. I think there is a difference between doing things to save yourself (which is incrediably important!!) and doing things that can hurt others. I am not saying you are doing these things - i'm simply trying to explain what i mean so i apologise if i have chosen the wrong words.
There is so much more to you than what the school and your friends see and i think it is great if you want to give yourself some time to find that person. I hope you keep coming back here so we can all get to know you more.
Abby

ps - i love the honesty of your last post. No sugar coating, no nothing. ""I'm not going to pretend to have morals about this"" - gotta say despite what you're saying, this made me smile.

Thanks Abby, you're always really nice to me. And, you other guys, I guess I can thank you for your honesty, but it doesn't make me feel anymore like this could ever get better.

I'm happier now, but mostly because I've been through various treatments and done various things to spend less time thinking about my problems, it's starting to hurt again, really badly.

I don't know what's going on, but I'm sorry that you're going through this very tough time. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks for your consideration, Doh2007.

I just hate the life I'm leading right now. And it hasn't gotten the slightest bit better. I don't even know if all my problems even belong in the depression forum. On top of how sad I feel about everything, I've also felt very paranoid for a long time because I've become used to bad things happening to me.

I just wish it would end. I can't help myself anymore, so I wish someone or something would fix my life.

I'm begging you guys, someone tell me how to fix it. I've never felt more like this is the end of the line for me. Here's one of my stupid math analogies for you.

lim (my life)
t---> death

=

emotional torture + painful romance+social rejection

Sometimes I think this forum is useless. I never get a quick response.

Oh, and hypnotic treatments... you guessed it... useless!

HELP ME!

I dont think I have anything helpful to say but I felt compelled to respond, because I know what its like to want and need a response. I've been suffering from some killer anxiety lately so thats how I feel as well.

Get yourself some help, distract yourself, listen to music... find ways to quell these feelings you're having...

...I am probably not being helpful.

I just want you to know there are people listening and understanding if even we dont have anything helpful to say.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.

Depression is always hungry so don't feed it. Find a lesson to learn how it is. To, as someone has said, learn
the way or to shift gears, but to learn what cannot be
taught. Dream a dream till you find yours. Climb that hill.
Maybe you can't stand to be labelled, tough, that's really
tough, you can chew your cud anyway you like, see ya.

DB