[Mouse_]

why does my head want me to belief I am powerless? why is it afraid of responsibilty? It tells me that I will not need anyone if I am not powerless and then I will be all alone. It seems very afraid of change. It wants me too keep going round and round in circles. What age is this thinking? what created this fear? What did it learn that to be powerless keeps me from being abandonded? It seems to have been taught that is scary to be independent. Something is so scared inside of finding out that we are capable. It feels safer to think we need people to do for us. What maddness is this??

[Mouse_]

It feels like I am trying to manage myself, protect myself from aloneness. Desperately fighting anything that threatens me with nothingness. I need to learn that independent does'nt mean annilation.

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,

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protect myself from aloneness. Desperately fighting anything that threatens me with nothingness

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When I was a little girl I was alone much of the time. I have come to realize that void is reflected in my adult self as a fear of being alone. I think when I was small and alone I was afraid much of the time; that something would happen to me. The small child who doesn't have her mother present to reflect, validate, and consolidate is left with a fragility inside because her identity(personality) was made from surroundings that didn't validate. In my case, I read many, many books. I had a rich fantasy life and that was my survival. But I still carry that same inner fear you describe of falling into nothingness. The "what if I don't really exist?"

Your work with T and your recovery are witness, however, to your inner strength.

Peace

[kimmydawn]

((((((( mouse )))))))))

I so understand that. I didn't know that I was "digesting" others doing for me in my own incapability equaled care and love to me, they also equaled bad and what I needed to fear. Care and love came from actions....as did the bad. I'd never had enough good care and love. I learned to strictly go by actions.

Somehow, after years and years of disappointment, I flipped the coin (again with no awareness of my actions) to no one need do ANYTHING for me. I needed NO ONE. Umm, that didn't work either. I'd gone from 1 to 10, when there's a nice 5 there. I think I'm at about a 5 now.

I really couldn't trust words when I was younger. In fact, it could be dangerous to. I HAD to go by actions and that carried me a long time in my life. After all, people could say anything they want with their mouth and actions could be completely different...being what affected the most.

Only time and repetition with awareness in my goal helped me overcome that. I hope the same for you.

I wish you well there. You try so incredibly hard, and I know you'll succeed.

KD

[ECHOES]

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Desperately fighting anything that threatens me with nothingness

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Aloneness is hard. I have a tremondously hard time with it sometimes but am working on it. I find as I move toward acceptance I'm learning that is really isn't about nothingness. It's a parallel to getting to know myself and as I do, I realize aloneness is me-ness and when I'm feeling okay about 'me' then aloneness is okay and peaceful and I can feel contented. When I'm not feeling okay about 'me' then it's not a place I want to be at all, ever.

If you might be interested, several books that I open and read a bit from at times are helpful to me. The author is Pema Chodron and can be found at http://www.shambhala.com . Short books and nicely written, peaceful. "The Wisdom of No Escape" particularly and "When Things Fall Apart" also.

[Perna]

For me, it is all or nothing thinking that gets in my way. I either am powerless and taken care of (too closely, smothered) or I'm independent and drift off into space or something :-)

I think I forget that even though I'm independent, I still have or can establish "connections" to others. Other people want or need me and I want or need them. I am not "taken care of" but I am loved.

My husband and I and our wills are struggling with that; he wants me "taken care of" if he dies first. I want control of "all the money" :-) But there are other factors besides he and I; there are taxes, and heirs for when we both are dead, and Time. I always forget Time in one guise or another.

Don't know if it will help, but you know when you are driving and you have to look "where" you are going and you will almost automatically steer the car that way? I have found that if I'm in a scary driving situation, narrow road with construction, especially, I can look further ahead and I lose some of my anxiety. Not trying to see immediately in front of or to the side (where the barricades seem too close :-) of me when I'm going so fast and my eyes can't keep up helps me psychologically as well as physically; I feel like I'm going to get to that piece of road ahead and "forget" the narrowness of the road next to or immediately in front of me.

As a child we were powerless. I often cudgel my brain trying to think what I would have done differently at 5, 9, 13, 17, etc. and I can't think of much that would have changed things? I didn't have or know many of the skills then that I have now. Now I can ask questions and make sure I understand situations; I can reality check and be "present"! I can stand it if the news is bad because I am "independent" and can help myself in ways I couldn't as a child. And, I know I won't abandon myself anymore. I'll stick with myself and figure it out, no matter how painful. I can get help for myself.

[justpassingby]

What's worse to feel powerless, (although intellectually I know only I hold the power to change what I can) or to feel helpless and know you have no where to hide or go and this feeling overwhelms you to the point that it makes you doubt everything you ever thought about and all of your actions?

For me feelings of being helpless become so intense that it makes me numb inside and I just give up totally. So then I become powerless to see or do anything different that will make my circumstances better.

[Mouse_]

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ECHOES said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Desperately fighting anything that threatens me with nothingness

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Aloneness is hard. I have a tremondously hard time with it sometimes but am working on it. I find as I move toward acceptance I'm learning that is really isn't about nothingness. It's a parallel to getting to know myself and as I do, I realize aloneness is me-ness and when I'm feeling okay about 'me' then aloneness is okay and peaceful and I can feel contented. When I'm not feeling okay about 'me' then it's not a place I want to be at all, ever.

If you might be interested, several books that I open and read a bit from at times are helpful to me. The author is Pema Chodron and can be found at http://www.shambhala.com . Short books and nicely written, peaceful. "The Wisdom of No Escape" particularly and "When Things Fall Apart" also.

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Echoes, I love "aloneness = me-ness" Thats is so true! Thank you.