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  #1  
Old Jun 13, 2008, 07:40 PM
Griffe
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Am I completely stupid that he's dead and he still completely governs how I think and what I allow myself to feel Powerless That I'll try so hard not to feel ways that I know he wouldn't approve of, that I'll beat myself up if I cry because I know he would have. That I can't type or say what I need to let out because it would anger the memory of him Powerless And when I can type it out I delete it or hate myself if I leave it up.

I'm stupid because I'm an adult and he still controls me. How I think, how I feel, how I cope, everything. Stupid me. Why can't I defy someone who's dead. I'm powerless all over again and I hate the feeling.

And Father's Day so soon... now I'm a father too. Not a good one I don't think Powerless And all I can think about are my abusers, especially dad, and poor Vlad.

And that makes me want to cry all over again but I'm not supposed to cry Powerless

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  #2  
Old Jun 13, 2008, 08:11 PM
jinnyann
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((Griffe)))))))))))))))))))))))

enjoy fathers day ...... YOU are a better example to your two babies ......i know what you mean, but you WILL heal, i know cos i'm going thu it day by day ...... you have to move forward now, easier said than done i know .... but he IS dead and you are safe and just keep telling yourself HE IS NOT GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE ANY MORE ......eventually you will believe it ..... trust me love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Powerless Powerless
  #3  
Old Jun 13, 2008, 10:36 PM
mtd mtd is offline
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Griffe,

You're not stupid. Abused children learn false lessons about themselves and how they fit into the world, how they should be treated, what they are worth ... In recovery, we have to teach ourselves new lessons, healthy and loving ones about our worth as people and about our ability to make safe and loving choices for ourselves.

The painful, distorted lessons of the past do not, unfortunately, die with those who abused us.

Peace comes with recovery, not with the death of those who tortured us.

Embrace your role as a father. By rejecting what was done to you, you are already a better father. By having grown to reach out for help here, and helping others here as you do, you are already a better father. By feeling your grief, by feeling your love, and by simply caring about how you are doing as a father, you are already a better father than you were ever taught by example.

As someone once wrote to me, "undefeated, my dear friend, rejoice in your tears."

Be well,

mtd
  #4  
Old Jun 13, 2008, 10:58 PM
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mlyn mlyn is offline
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Posts: 560
I was always told not to cry. My father died long time ago and I still fight to believe it is ok to cry he did not think it right. They always say guys are taught not to cry, well this female was taught the same. Didn't matter what went on better not cry.
  #5  
Old Jun 14, 2008, 09:38 AM
Griffe
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Thanks everyone.

Not any words right now... just Father's Day tomorrow and I'm so scared Powerless The kind of terror that cripples you all over and makes everything remind you of the bad... bad enough I keep choking up and being unable to talk.

Powerless Powerless
  #6  
Old Jun 14, 2008, 12:09 PM
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Blue93 Blue93 is offline
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((((((((((((((vince))))))))))))))
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Powerless Powerless Powerless
  #7  
Old Jun 14, 2008, 12:36 PM
Lenny Lenny is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Griffe said:

And that makes me want to cry all over again but I'm not supposed to cry Powerless

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Are you supposed to blink grigge?

Crying is similar..controlled by places in the brain that are not controlled...interesting paradox..

Crying is our valve,, a supremely wonderfully automatic one...that lets things out that have no other outlet..

You are not stupid by any strech of any imagination..you are perfectly human. A man who feels deeply and profoundly. A man who wishes it could have been different.

But history is a shadow,,,what you do now is real...and you are in the powerfull position of not passing on to your children what was heartlessly passed to you...

Enjoy the beautifull gift of Fatherhood my dear friend...

Happy Fathers Day...

Lenny
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I have only one conclusion,,and that is things change too quickly for me to draw them....
Sobriety date...Halloween 1989.
I was plucked from hell...and treat this gift as if it is the only one...
  #8  
Old Jun 14, 2008, 01:47 PM
Troy Troy is offline
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I wish you a happy fathers day. If you're like the rest of us, you're trying to break the cycle and give your children an experience that is far different from the one you inherited.

I'm proud that you're making the effort.

Cry if you want to ... sounds like a good name for a song.
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  #9  
Old Jun 14, 2008, 11:29 PM
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RACEKA RACEKA is offline
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Location: Akron Ohio
Posts: 459
Griffe I understand how you feel. I'm there with you. I'm also being controlled from the grave. Your not alone.

Have a Happy Father's Day. You deserve it.
  #10  
Old Jun 15, 2008, 04:58 AM
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BalishBun BalishBun is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,840
Be the best father that you can be. That will make you incredible in my eyes.
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Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die. R.I.P. Bandit 7-12-08 I love you I miss you.
  #11  
Old Jun 15, 2008, 09:11 AM
Griffe
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Now Father's Day is official here and I already want out of it Powerless

Awful memory came up Powerless

(Trigger trigger trigger)

I was in our house, this was after mum had died, so it was just me and him. I don't know who had set it up, maybe it was me or him, but there were a couple of balloons and a banner that said Father's Day. I was there and I was playing with one of the bottles he left lying around, did that all the time.
Then he comes in the front door, it was obvious he was drunk. He kept yelling at me and I was so scared so I ran and I tried to hide around the sofa.
He followed me and he grabbed my collar and dragged me out... so I just said happy father's day to him, maybe I thought that would make him stop. He was laughing and he made me stand up so he could knock me down, and he beat me up and I can't say the rest Powerless

Memories, flashbacks, everything. I can still feel the burning and the scars stinging on my skin Powerless I didn't need this along with everything else today.
  #12  
Old Jun 15, 2008, 09:51 AM
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pachyderm pachyderm is offline
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(((((Griffe)))))
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Now if thou would'st
When all have given him o'er
From death to life
Thou might'st him yet recover
-- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631
  #13  
Old Jun 17, 2008, 09:26 AM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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Griffe,
I haven't figured out the crying thing yet either. Just wanted to say you can break bad parenting the cycle!

I was really down on my parenting last year, still have a lot of the self-hating nonsense going on in my head sometimes, but I am trying to see through it. One thing that help me (and my kids) a lot early on was when I heard the voice in my head calling me a pathetic parent, cold, stupid, unfeeling, etc... I would find one of my kids and give them a hug or compliment. I felt awkward doing it at first, but my kids didn't mind, in fact my oldest (11 yr) sucked up the attention. It was exactly what both of us needed most. Me to show my love and for him to feeling it more. Try it, you might like it.
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