Is it possible?

I believe it is if youre both willing to work on it.

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

I believe it is if youre both willing to work on it.

How should I know if the therapist will really work on it?
Can you elaborate on your personal belief before throwing it away like that?
See, I am inserting time and money into this slot machine, instead of ensuring the therapist will actually be committed to taking care of their contempt

On the other hand, they are not the only one. There are some from whom I may suspect contempt, and then there are therapists from whom I get bad gut feelings
There is one therapist who may be well for me but they don't treat HF-ASD

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

How should I know if the therapist will really work on it?
Can you elaborate on your personal belief before throwing it away like that?
See, I am inserting time and money into this slot machine, instead of ensuring the therapist will actually be committed to taking care of their contempt

On the other hand, they are not the only one. There are some from whom I may suspect contempt, and then there are therapists from whom I get bad gut feelings
There is one therapist who may be well for me but they don't treat HF-ASD

I apologize if it came across as a throw away comment. That was not my intent.

As for fixing it, all you can do is talk to her about it. If shes a decent therapist, she should be willing to work on that or at least hear you out why you feel contempt from her. If she is not, maybe it is time to shop around because no one deserve to feel that way, especially from a paid professional.

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

I apologize if it came across as a throw away comment. That was not my intent.

As for fixing it, all you can do is talk to her about it. If shes a decent therapist, she should be willing to work on that or at least hear you out why you feel contempt from her. If she is not, maybe it is time to shop around because no one deserve to feel that way, especially from a paid professional.

It's ok. Thanks for that
The thing is, she is only willing to work on it on MY time and MY money, nothing on her. This creates more one-sided-ness to the story

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

It's ok. Thanks for that
The thing is, she is only willing to work on it on MY time and MY money, nothing on her. This creates more one-sided-ness to the story

She should not bring her issues in to your time. Her contempt is about her, not you. She should recognize that and work on that. If it were me I would start shopping around then. Ts need to have a certain amount of self awareness and it sounds like she may be lacking that. Thats not even going into the whole "unconditional positive regard" thing....

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

It's ok. Thanks for that
The thing is, she is only willing to work on it on MY time and MY money, nothing on her. This creates more one-sided-ness to the story

Do you think she should be willing to work for free and on her free time on your perception of feeling of contempt? Why do you think she should do that? Because there is a fair chance that she is not feeling contempt but for some reason you are perceiving it that way.

On the other hand, if you are certain that the T IS feeling contempt towards you then it is not something you can demand her to fix. Of course, it would be nice for her to fix it and then of course she should do it on her free time. But then the problem is more widespread for her and probably not much related to you and there's no reason for you to be involved in her process of fixing those things. The only thing you can do for yourself is to move on and find someone more professional.

[Echos Myron redux]

So this is your therapist's contempt for you that you are talking about? Has she told you she has contempt for you or is this your interpretation of her feelings?
If she is genuinely feeling contempt towards you she should be trying to work it out in supervision or personal therapy because it is likely that it would be about her own stuff rather than anything you have done. If she is not capable of that, and her feelings are getting in the way of therapy she would ethically have to refer you out because therapy isn't supposed to be about her feelings.
If, on the other hand, there's a chance you have misinterpreted her feelings, then it is a good idea to discuss it with her and try to work out what is happening between you. If you are seeing contempt where there is none, this is absolutely part of the work of therapy.
I have no idea which of those options is true, but I think it would be a good idea to keep an open mind and share your suspicions with her. If things really aren't working after you have tried to resolve it you always have the option of moving on.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Can you elaborate on your personal belief before throwing it away like that?

That's a pretty intense reply VO.

I don't know you at all and I don't want to judge prematurely but I'd likely read that kind of challenge as a kind of hostility or contempt: "Because I have not fully understood it, your comment is but a personal belief that has been thrown out with little forethought." I point this out because you might not realize how you are being perceived by others.

You could achieve the same end using language that would likely be perceived as genuine and not contemptuous: "I am curious about what you said and would like to hear more about your idea/point of view."

If you are perceived as being contemptuous (whether or not that is your intention or true underlying attitude), you are much more likely to be met with contempt and defensiveness.

You might be reading contempt into situations where it doesn't exist or engendering contempt as a defensive reaction to what you're saying (even though therapists should not be so easily hooked into emotional reactivity).

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That's a pretty intense reply VO.

I don't know you at all and I don't want to judge prematurely but I'd likely read that kind of challenge as a kind of hostility or contempt: "Because I have not fully understood it, your comment is but a personal belief that has been thrown out with little forethought." I point this out because you might not realize how you are being perceived by others.

You could achieve the same end using language that would likely be perceived as genuine and not contemptuous: "I am curious about what you said and would like to hear more about your idea/point of view."

If you are perceived as being contemptuous (whether or not that is your intention or true underlying attitude), you are much more likely to be met with contempt and defensiveness.

You might be reading contempt into situations where it doesn't exist or engendering contempt as a defensive reaction to what you're saying (even though therapists should not be so easily hooked into emotional reactivity).

Could be
I am done compromising, as it delays my growth and wastes my time, and lowers my morale
I am done forgiving, because it does not fix others' issues which are harmful to others

EDIT: Oh, and let me give you an example for a contemptible comment someone made - they once started a "What happened to the old you?" questioning, and started showing neediness for me to "Be the old me".
That's contemptible and extremely pathetic. It projects the message - "I don't like you as who you are. I want you to be someone else"
More like, you don't want me, so off you go you piece of s***

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Could be
I am done compromising, as it delays my growth and wastes my time, and lowers my morale
I am done forgiving, because it does not fix others' issues which are harmful to others

EDIT: Oh, and let me give you an example for a contemptible comment someone made - they once started a "What happened to the old you?" questioning, and started showing neediness for me to "Be the old me".
That's contemptible and extremely pathetic. It projects the message - "I don't like you as who you are. I want you to be someone else"
More like, you don't want me, so off you go you piece of s***

Or "I don't feel liked, I miss our connection. What happened?"

If you see the vulnerability and imperfection of others as contemptible at best and malicious at worst, it pretty much makes loneliness inevitable. You don't have to attribute terrible motives to people or put their messages through the meanest possible translator.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Or "I don't feel liked, I miss our connection. What happened?"

If you see the vulnerability and imperfection of others as contemptible at best and malicious at worst, it pretty much makes loneliness inevitable. You don't have to attribute terrible motives to people or put their messages through the meanest possible translator.

What about ME feeling liked? See, this is exactly the problem, I never felt liked by that person
That person could have been more understanding to what I've been through, but all they cared about is "You are no longer the person you used to be". Of course I'm not the person I used to be, that person never even gave a damn about all that I've been through. Whether they meant to or not, that's that and that's what has happened
And literally, that person doesn't contact me anymore. And for your information no, I did not say anything bad about them that time. But now I have ALLOT! of bad things to say about them, about how much they neglected ME! MY OWN SELF! SO MUCH THAT THEY THINK I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON AND WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "OLD PERSON", as if they don't like me anymore. That is BEYOND offensive. That is hatred of MY character!

Back to the main topic now - I remember peopel saying it is not possible to restore contempt, but trying to be the hopeful person I am meant to be, I was wondering if it’s possible

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

What about ME feeling liked? See, this is exactly the problem, I never felt liked by that person
That person could have been more understanding to what I've been through, but all they cared about is "You are no longer the person you used to be". Of course I'm not the person I used to be, that person never even gave a damn about all that I've been through. Whether they meant to or not, that's that and that's what has happened
And literally, that person doesn't contact me anymore. And for your information no, I did not say anything bad about them that time. But now I have ALLOT! of bad things to say about them, about how much they neglected ME! MY OWN SELF! SO MUCH THAT THEY THINK I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON AND WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "OLD PERSON", as if they don't like me anymore. That is BEYOND offensive. That is hatred of MY character!

I am by no means attacking you, defending the other person or passing judgement on a situation I know absolutely nothing about. They might be a totally horrible person and/or very much in the wrong.

What I'm commenting on is that you seem to be attributing a lot of meaning and motive, specifically malign meaning and motive, to a very bland statement.

Other person may be saying they miss you. You could say, "geez I'm feeling a bit hurt. I'm proud of the ways of grown and changed, but it feels like you're saying you liked it better when I was X?"

Other person can then clarify that they are actually full of malice and contempt, or just that they wish you'd call them to go see the new Star Wars movie the way you used to or whatever other thing.

I don't think this is a derail from your main question because when I read contempt into everything my conversations tend to go like this:

Me: This thing happened to me.

Therapist: I see. What do you make of that?

Me: Why are you full of contempt for me?

Therapist: You see me as contemptuous?

Me: OMG. Stop. Don't be such an asshole. This is actually insulting my intelligence.

You want to fix the contempt but what actually needs fixing is the faulty lens that causes you to see contempt where it isn't.

There's a courtroom exchange between Mayella Ewell and Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockinbird where she thinks he's making fun of her, that exemplifies just this type of dynamic. It's worth reading for further illustration.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I am by no means attacking you, defending the other person or passing judgement on a situation I know absolutely nothing about. They might be a totally horrible person and/or very much in the wrong.

What I'm commenting on is that you seem to be attributing a lot of meaning and motive, specifically malign meaning and motive, to a very bland statement.

Other person may be saying they miss you. You could say, "geez I'm feeling a bit hurt. I'm proud of the ways of grown and changed, but it feels like you're saying you liked it better when I was X?"

Other person can then clarify that they are actually full of malice and contempt, or just that they wish you'd call them to go see the new Star Wars movie the way you used to or whatever other thing.

I don't think this is a derail from your main question because when I read contempt into everything my conversations tend to go like this:

Me: This thing happened to me.

Therapist: I see. What do you make of that?

Me: Why are you full of contempt for me?

Therapist: You see me as contemptuous?

Me: OMG. Stop. Don't be such an asshole. This is actually insulting my intelligence.

You want to fix the contempt but what actually needs fixing is the faulty lens that causes you to see contempt where it isn't.

There's a courtroom exchange between Mayella Ewell and Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockinbird where she thinks he's making fun of her, that exemplifies just this type of dynamic. It's worth reading for further illustration.

Um, no, there is contempt
You want to truly help me? Then help me fix contempt when there IS contempt
You know it's funny how someone who needs help and people end up going head-to-head on the person needing the help rather than trusting that what they say is true and actually help them find a solution to the external problem. But instead, as what happens in therapy, they're always looking for an internal problem without helping take care of the external problem

So you either help me take care of the external problem, or off you go - going head-to-head does not take care of the external problems, just so you know

And by the way, I am not going against you. I need my problems taken care of. If no one helps, they're not helping
If they're looking for underground worms instead of helping take care of the external problem, they're not heping
If they don't take care of the bee hive and instead lock the fearful villagers in their homes because of their fear, they're not helping
If they use anger and discipline, they are torturing, just like you do, instead of understanding and coming by my side to take care of the external problem
Nothing personal, allot of people do that and they're plenty and too many

And another thing - who am I? I am a nobody, but I am a nobody just like many other mental health victims who do not get the right help and respect they deserve

You want to truly help me? Then help me fix contempt when there IS contempt
You know it's funny how someone who needs help and people end up going head-to-head on the person needing the help rather than trusting that what they say is true and actually help them find a solution to the external problem. But instead, as what happens in therapy, they're always looking for an internal problem without helping take care of the external problem

So you either help me take care of the external problem, or off you go - going head-to-head does not take care of the external problems, just so you know

It is not clear to me to whom you are speaking here. Are you speaking to Favorite Jeans? If so, it is not the job of anyone on this forum to help you and certainly not to become a fixer for you. You might want to remember that many posters here have their own vulnerabilities. You sound hostile and negative and this could potentially be upsetting for others when it is directed at them.

Originally Posted by long_gone

It is not clear to me to whom you are speaking here. Are you speaking to Favorite Jeans? If so, it is not the job of anyone on this forum to help you and certainly not to become a fixer for you. You might want to remember that many posters here have their own vulnerabilities. You sound hostile and negative and this could potentially be upsetting for others when it is directed at them.

Because no one helped me
You can read on my history to understand why I am that way if you want
Believe me, I tried all I can to get better. One therapist stole money soaked with my own blood from me, destroyed my soul along the process. They were a childhood therapist, someone I once deeply trusted
And to have a father say "They did this for survival" instead of taking the tools to deal with that external problem, he just did nothing and continue to enjoy their sloth nature at home
No one is there for me. My mother barely makes any effort. Although better than my father, still not good enough, still not fighting hard enough for me. Whatever reason it may be, I get the picture that I am not valuable enough to be fought for. Otherwise, people would join my side and help my cause

I also once talked about it with one therapist (I've interviewed many). They seemed to be more impressed from the abusive therapist's personality than being on my side regarding the abuse, and then resorting to becoming mildly authoritarian with me. It's disastrous

You really think most people here are vulnerable? I can barely eat, and I can barely communicate. I can't do any form of work, and you're talking about some generalization that "all members are vulnerable"?
Go ahead, think it's all because of me like most people do. Just keep in mind you'll be proving my point regarding the futility of my life when you do that

[here today]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

. . .No one is there for me. . .

It's a terrible feeling. I know it well. I can therefore empathize and offer you my sympathy and compassion. I expect that's not much help, sadly.

Originally Posted by here today

It's a terrible feeling. I know it well. I can therefore empathize and offer you my sympathy and compassion. I expect that's not much help, sadly.

Thanks, it helps

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

And to have a father say "They did this for survival" instead of taking the tools to deal with that external problem, he just did nothing and continue to enjoy their sloth nature at home
No one is there for me. My mother barely makes any effort. Although better than my father, still not good enough, still not fighting hard enough for me. Whatever reason it may be, I get the picture that I am not valuable enough to be fought for. Otherwise, people would join my side and help my cause

I can understand how difficult it is when you feel other people have behaved in a contemptuous or disrespectful fashion. Or at least I understand my version of it-- as I recently decided to leave a job where my supervisor took many opportunities to communicate her lack of respect. I should not have taken it personally because she is this way with everyone who is not her administrative superior or someone she wants something from. But I do not do well with disrespect or contempt, even if it is disguised as something more like a "micro aggression."

My father abused me and my mother did not stand up for me when I was a child or when I was dealing with the consequences in therapy. The best thing I ever did was have no contact with them for about a decade. This gave me time to heal and when my mother approached me with not the greatest apology, I decided to try the relationship again as a stronger and more healed person. It went okay and I do not have a close relationship with my family, but I do have a healthy and long distance one. Bizarrely my mother is now very supportive and I hardly recognize the person that she was when I was a child. She's changed, and so have I. But I am quite sure this wouldn't have happened without the decade of disconnection.

I used to feel worthless because I grew up without anyone to support me in the way I needed to be safe. It was agonizing to realize that the fact that my mother and others did not stand up for me was not because I didn't deserve it, but because they weren't capable. I believe that many abusers choose victims based on the absence of capable others in the victims' life; makes for an easier target-- the person who does not have the support of others is easier to silence and keep silenced.

I am telling you about my experience, not telling you that you have to follow what I have done or that you should or that this is the only way to fix anything or the best way to do therapy. I hope you can take my comments in the spirit in which they were intended, that this is what has helped me and I tell you this in the remote possibility that it might be helpful.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by here today

It's a terrible feeling. I know it well. I can therefore empathize and offer you my sympathy and compassion. I expect that's not much help, sadly.

I too have been very familiar with this feeling (and I expect that my compassion here won’t be of much help.)

Contempt in therapy. I’ve felt this. A horrible feeling