[Lrad123]

I tend to google people now & then which I think is pretty normal in this day and age. My husband doesn’t do this, but I think many of us do and I personally don’t think it’s wrong. I’ve googled my T and actually told him about it because it felt a little odd and like maybe I’d gone too far. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) he has very little online presence. He told me he wasn’t bothered by the fact that I’d looked him up and even said he was flattered. However, I recently searched again and found out that he became a grandfather for the first time a week ago. I feel ashamed for knowing this, in part, because my initial reaction was one of sadness. I think I felt sad because I know he’s probably a good grandparent and at least for a brief moment I had an awareness that I had no parental support when I had my children. Seeing a picture of his grand baby really made me feel a sense of loss that hit me hard and caught me by surprise. I’m self-sufficient in many ways and didn’t think I cared about this, and was surprised by my reaction. I know I brought this on myself by snooping, but I feel like I’m in a bind because the one person I could possibly talk to about this is the person I can’t possibly talk to about this. I almost feel more distant from him because of this information but obviously I can’t tell him about it. The feelings I’m having will probably just pass on their own. I’m just feeling a little bit down about it and wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom.

[magicalprince]

Why can’t you talk to him about it?

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Why can’t you talk to him about it?

I think I’d rather die than confess to looking at a pic on his daughter’s FB page. Then my reaction to the picture is just embarrassing. I have a hard time being open and vulnerable and this all just feels like to much for me. I could possibly bring it up in an email, but then I’m afraid I might never be able to convince myself to go back. This just seems like it has the potential for sparking a shame storm and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I think I’d rather die than confess to looking at a pic on his daughter’s FB page. Then my reaction to the picture is just embarrassing. I have a hard time being open and vulnerable and this all just feels like to much for me. I could possibly bring it up in an email, but then I’m afraid I might never be able to convince myself to go back. This just seems like it has the potential for sparking a shame storm and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

Well here's another thought then, what about talking about your feelings about talking about it? Like, "I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about this subject but I noticed it's making me feel shame and I am struggling."

You don't even have to tell him what it's about. Just seems like you are going through a lot of emotions here which therapy is supposed to be exactly the place for discussing.

This will pass. It's an emotion that's here at the moment. But it will melt away.
I know coz I've done this, too.

[Lemoncake]

You don't have to tell him that you've found this out, but I think it would be helpful to explore your reaction to this.

I've done/found a lot of stuff that most T's would be freaked out by, including finding his facebook, twitter, tripadvisor account, going through his wife's Instagram and facebook photos, documents filled for how much his practice earned. I felt like it would be a deal breaker for him- but he laughed when I told him and said I could offer this as a service to T's as I was the first to also find his myspace account with embarrassing (drunk) uni photographs.

During that phase where I was then I was looking for a way to maintain a connection and feel closer to him when he wasn't there.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

You don't have to tell him that you've found this out, but I think it would be helpful to explore your reaction to this.

I've done/found a lot of stuff that most T's would be freaked out by, including finding his facebook, twitter, tripadvisor account, going through his wife's Instagram and facebook photos, documents filled for how much his practice earned. I felt like it would be a deal breaker for him- but he laughed when I told him and said I could offer this as a service to T's as I was the first to also find his myspace account with embarrassing (drunk) uni photographs.

During that phase where I was then I was looking for a way to maintain a connection and feel closer to him when he wasn't there.

What a great sense of humour! I like this guy a lot.

OP I'm also in the Rather Die Than Admit Stuff Like That camp. Not specifically about information I've found online but just... there's a whole class of feelings pertaining to my attachment to my T that I find verge on impossible to talk about.

[Sheffield]

I’ve tried googling extensively - my T and his family are totally zipped up-Nada
Even his ex and her adult children and grandchildren (I only know who they are as it is common knowledge in the mental health arena here in east of England
He won’t even allow his lectures on you tube and he speaks all over the UK and Africa -even his bands. fb has no updates- he’s not on census electoral roll etc
This level of suppression of info is very frustrating as you have no idea who you’re sitting in a room with paying to bare your soul

[junkDNA]

so I used to be friends with Ts wife on Facebook. we decided to unfriend bc boundary stuff (she wanted to)

any way I still have a lot of mutual friends with her on fb

last year I saw a post where ts wife commented abt being pregnant and the name they chose

t had not disclosed to me the pregnancy. he actually never really did directly. was just something that obviously came out when his baby was born (he texted me a photo of the baby on its birth day)

it was hard for me to say the least and I felt I shouldn't bring it up because he had not told me directly

so yeah it's hard sometimes with the Internet and different ways we can receive information about t

I try to avoid seeing stuff I know might trigger me

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

You don't have to tell him that you've found this out, but I think it would be helpful to explore your reaction to this.

I've done/found a lot of stuff that most T's would be freaked out by, including finding his facebook, twitter, tripadvisor account, going through his wife's Instagram and facebook photos, documents filled for how much his practice earned. I felt like it would be a deal breaker for him- but he laughed when I told him and said I could offer this as a service to T's as I was the first to also find his myspace account with embarrassing (drunk) uni photographs.

During that phase where I was then I was looking for a way to maintain a connection and feel closer to him when he wasn't there.

Huh, me too Everything I've found is publicly accessible. I'm just pretty savvy at googling. Found some university photos on her flickr too, both her instagram accounts, her father's and brother's facebooks and instagrams, her twitter. Found colleagues's social media too.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

This will pass. It's an emotion that's here at the moment. But it will melt away.
I know coz I've done this, too.

Honestly this is probably the route I’ll take. By next week I probably won’t feel it as strongly and it’ll be easier to move on to something else.

[Merope]

It’s ok, I’ve taken my cyber stalking pretty far too. I found his Facebook, his wife’s Facebook, his PhD thesis and all sorts of things, like articles written about his partner and her important job, places they’ve lived etc. I feel guilty for doing it, but at the same time the more I find out the more I want to know, the more questions I have. I’m not proud of it, in fact I feel like an intrusive weirdo but part of me also likes it. My paternal transference has gotten pretty intense recently so I tend to put him on a pedestal. By extension I’ve also started to put his wife on a pedestal and now I’m obsessed with this woman I have never even met. I would never act on it, obviously, but I find her fascinating and I want to know more about her and I basically think she’s amazing (her career is in a field that interests me as well, which doesn’t help the obsession). I just want them to adopt me haha.

In all seriousness though, it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable, knowing all this. The poor guy doesn’t even know that I know he’s married, let alone who his wife is! In fact, she works pretty close to where I live and the idea of running into her on the street makes me want to hide in a bush. Even knowing who she is makes me feel
guilty...especially because there’s no direct link between her and my T on the internet, so my “digging” went pretty deep and a few educated assumptions later, I found myself knowing more than I should.

I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS disclose this to t...I genuinely think he’d terminate me and that thought terrifies me. I also think he values his privacy so he wouldn’t take kindly to this level of “research”. Which is why I stopped doing it. Doesn’t change the fact that I already know too much though.

[wanttolivebetter]

I've found some pretty personal stuff about mine on the internet and only felt weird about it for a little while before I remembered I did the same thing with my college professors and some others. I just like to know who people *really* are outside of their jobs. I don't think it's a therapist-specific thing. I don't feel bad about finding anything public on the internet. The more uncomfortable thing for me is I found out how active she is in a lot of the same types of events I like to go to in the community when my anxiety doesn't convince me just to stay home, so now I'm afraid to attend any of these types of events for fear of running into her. I wouldn't be surprised if she and I were at a lot of the same local events before I became a client and knew who she was.

[nicoleflynn]

I found lots of stuff about my t.....it is no big deal....if it is on public media, then of course anyone knows...anyone can access it. Ididn't tell my t because it is none of his business.

[nottrustin]

What if you say you recently found out somebody you know became a grandparent and it caused all kinds of unexpected emotions and then describe what happened. You don't have to tell him you we snooping and and found out he was a grandparent

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

What if you say you recently found out somebody you know became a grandparent and it caused all kinds of unexpected emotions and then describe what happened. You don't have to tell him you we snooping and and found out he was a grandparent

If that were me, T would know by my body language that I was hiding something. I'm not good at that! I have found a lot about her and her family, and ended up telling her. She only reacted badly when I told her I drove past her house.

I told her when I finally found out who her boyfriend is, and this was after I stopped searching for him. She says googling is okay but not good for me. She also asked why I told her. So now I still do it but not often, and I don't tell her.

[imnotbroken]

Originally Posted by Merope

It’s ok, I’ve taken my cyber stalking pretty far too. I found his Facebook, his wife’s Facebook, his PhD thesis and all sorts of things, like articles written about his partner and her important job, places they’ve lived etc. I feel guilty for doing it, but at the same time the more I find out the more I want to know, the more questions I have. I’m not proud of it, in fact I feel like an intrusive weirdo but part of me also likes it. My paternal transference has gotten pretty intense recently so I tend to put him on a pedestal. By extension I’ve also started to put his wife on a pedestal and now I’m obsessed with this woman I have never even met. I would never act on it, obviously, but I find her fascinating and I want to know more about her and I basically think she’s amazing (her career is in a field that interests me as well, which doesn’t help the obsession). I just want them to adopt me haha.

In all seriousness though, it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable, knowing all this. The poor guy doesn’t even know that I know he’s married, let alone who his wife is! In fact, she works pretty close to where I live and the idea of running into her on the street makes me want to hide in a bush. Even knowing who she is makes me feel
guilty...especially because there’s no direct link between her and my T on the internet, so my “digging” went pretty deep and a few educated assumptions later, I found myself knowing more than I should.

I could NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS disclose this to t...I genuinely think he’d terminate me and that thought terrifies me. I also think he values his privacy so he wouldn’t take kindly to this level of “research”. Which is why I stopped doing it. Doesn’t change the fact that I already know too much though.

You just described what I've been doing ever since I started therapy a year ago. Right after the first session, I searched for her Facebook account. It was pretty restricted to those who were not in her 'friends' list. However, her husband's wasn't. I found out things about their life, a birthday video he made for her, vacation pictures and what not. But I couldn't stop. The digging only intensified, and I also found articles written by her siblings.

I told her about it (after months feeling uncomfortable about this) and she was pretty cool about it. She said that, in our 'social media era', it is impossible not to feel curious about how other people live. She added that it was okay if I wished to be friends with her on Facebook, since she has accepeted a few clients' on her list. I added her, and this response from her has helped me in the sense that I kind of took her out of the pedestal that I'd unconsciously put her in, and I see that her life is as ordinary as the next person's.

[Fuzzybear]

Nope. This hasn’t and doesn’t apply to me.

[Lrad123]

I’m still debating whether or not to disclose that I know he has a new grandchild. I’m wondering if it could be perceived as a boundary issue. I’m not worried about being terminated because I really don’t think he’d do that but I’d like to avoid being chastised at all. I know he’s ok with me googling him, but I found this out by searching his daughter’s FB page. Would that necessarily be considered a boundary crossing???

[Jazz1971]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I’m still debating whether or not to disclose that I know he has a new grandchild. I’m wondering if it could be perceived as a boundary issue. I’m not worried about being terminated because I really don’t think he’d do that but I’d like to avoid being chastised at all. I know he’s ok with me googling him, but I found this out by searching his daughter’s FB page. Would that necessarily be considered a boundary crossing???

I think it might help to think about how anyone you knew in this context might react. People know everyone googles or looks others up on Facebook, but don't necessarily tell each other about. Facebook especially is a rabbit hole- after a couple of clicks you can get pretty deep into someone's life. Therapists who don't understand this make too big of a deal out of something that's really natural. Before the internet knowing this information would have been a concern because it would have taken some serious effort to find it. Now it's so easy and free that it's harder to keep this stuff private. I think a social media savvy T understands the difference and wouldn't be so concerned that you found the information. They may be more curious about why you want them to know you found it. That's the first thing I'd think of, anyway. As a T, they have no right to tell a client or anyone else whether they can or can't google them or look them up on Facebook. For some reason, some of them think they have this authority but the reality is they don't.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Jazz1971

I think it might help to think about how anyone you knew in this context might react. People know everyone googles or looks others up on Facebook, but don't necessarily tell each other about. Facebook especially is a rabbit hole- after a couple of clicks you can get pretty deep into someone's life. Therapists who don't understand this make too big of a deal out of something that's really natural. Before the internet knowing this information would have been a concern because it would have taken some serious effort to find it. Now it's so easy and free that it's harder to keep this stuff private. I think a social media savvy T understands the difference and wouldn't be so concerned that you found the information. They may be more curious about why you want them to know you found it. That's the first thing I'd think of, anyway. As a T, they have no right to tell a client or anyone else whether they can or can't google them or look them up on Facebook. For some reason, some of them think they have this authority but the reality is they don't.

Yes, I don’t want him to focus on the FB search, so if I decide to bring it up I might just say that I found this information out, but I’d rather not discuss how I got the information. I think he’d actually be ok with that. Also, we live in the same community so it’s theoretically possible that we might have an acquaintance in common who might have mentioned the birth of his grandchild. Or maybe it’s all too complicated and I should just leave it alone.

[msrobot]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, I don’t want him to focus on the FB search, so if I decide to bring it up I might just say that I found this information out, but I’d rather not discuss how I got the information. I think he’d actually be ok with that. Also, we live in the same community so it’s theoretically possible that we might have an acquaintance in common who might have mentioned the birth of his grandchild. Or maybe it’s all too complicated and I should just leave it alone.

Leave this alone, and stop reading online profiles of people you know in RL if it causes you anxiety.

Many...many people overshare online, but those same people can be quick to demonize you, or see you as a weirdo for looking up what they made available.

I look up most people I meet, to get a sense on if they are presenting the same in RL and online, but after that usually stop looking.

Telling them, doesn't really help anything.

The "invasion of privacy" really occurs when you tell someone in RL, that you've been looking at their online activity.

[Jazz1971]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, I don’t want him to focus on the FB search, so if I decide to bring it up I might just say that I found this information out, but I’d rather not discuss how I got the information. I think he’d actually be ok with that. Also, we live in the same community so it’s theoretically possible that we might have an acquaintance in common who might have mentioned the birth of his grandchild. Or maybe it’s all too complicated and I should just leave it alone.

People put information online that they are comfortable with people knowing. If they aren't, it shouldn't be shared. The mere act of looking him up and finding info is benign (unless you planned to do something with this info). It's normal to be curious about a person who shares so little yet knows so much about you. There is nothing that makes it fodder for therapy, really. Is there a specific reason you want to discuss it?

Someone else may have pointed this out but looking at his daughter's facebook page isn't googling him himself. This is an invasion of his entire family's privacy. It is unfortunate you felt compelled to do this.

At the end of the day you need to not forget that he is a person too. He has a family, hobbies, activities, and a relatively normal life away from his office. Just like anyone he will have his own foibles too. I think placing our therapists and psychiatrists on a pedestal or looking for reasons to remove them from such is unreasonable.

Try to put what you know behind you. Realise what happens in their own life likely has no affect on your therapy. Start over with your therapist as though you were just getting to know them from the beginning and in this way build a new professional relationship.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Someone else may have pointed this out but looking at his daughter's facebook page isn't googling him himself. This is an invasion of his entire family's privacy. It is unfortunate you felt compelled to do this.

At the end of the day you need to not forget that he is a person too. He has a family, hobbies, activities, and a relatively normal life away from his office. Just like anyone he will have his own foibles too. I think placing our therapists and psychiatrists on a pedestal or looking for reasons to remove them from such is unreasonable.

Try to put what you know behind you. Realise what happens in their own life likely has no affect on your therapy. Start over with your therapist as though you were just getting to know them from the beginning and in this way build a new professional relationship.

Yes I realize that looking at his daughter’s FB page is different than looking at his and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it. I thought maybe confessing to him might make me feel better, but I think you are right. I will try to put it behind me. I’m just not sure I can stop. It’s sort of like when you are on a diet and say you won’t eat that cookie, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself even if you have the best of intentions. I would almost like to talk to him about why I do this, so that I can understand and stop, but obviously I can’t talk to him about it. So I’m stuck. Anyway, I’ve decided for now not to talk to him about any of this.