[TheWell]

We had to restart the Couch. Please come in and sit down. Have a chat. There are snacks and soda in the corner.

[CantExplain]

What happened? We usually get 100 pages.

[Echos Myron redux]

I think there was a bit of a to-doings a-transpiring. A fractional couch has to be a first.

[DP_2017]

Hi all, hope you all have a great memorial day weekend. Anyone going anywhere fun?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Hi all, hope you all have a great memorial day weekend. Anyone going anywhere fun?

I'm "celebrating" actual Memorial Day (Monday) with a therapy session (he's coming in the office, so may as well!) Maybe I can play with one of his little sand trays and shells he has sitting around and pretend I'm at the beach...

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm "celebrating" actual Memorial Day (Monday) with a therapy session (he's coming in the office, so may as well!) Maybe I can play with one of his little sand trays and shells he has sitting around and pretend I'm at the beach...

LOL sounds good.

[stopdog]

I will be cutting grass. And while I am not particularly fond of the actual mowing itself, I do like a newly mowed lawn. It gives me great pleasure to survey the chaotic mix of weeds, clover, and grass brought to heel.

[atisketatasket]

I am practicing exposure therapy on new cat. A couple months ago we were playing with her fish on a stick when she jerked it away from me, it got wrapped around her, and she ran through the apartment in a panic with the stick banging behind her. Ever since then she’s run at the sight of it. We have reached the point where she’ll at least stay in the room and watch me move it around.

[awkwardlyyours]

So, Blondie decided to self-disclose a bunch yesterday to try to somehow show that there’s norm or something of children not ever giving money to their parents (my latest saga of sending money over but not quite sure for what as yet).

Apparently, her parents are alive and divorced and father has lots of health issues and is running out of money to pay for his care but her mom is paying for him although they’re divorced (and Blondie does a whole lot of other care stuff for him).

But, neither Blondie nor her siblings have ever even discussed financially contributing for his care or to their parents in general.

I’m not quite sure why she’s hung up on the principle of the thing or something — that children must never pay for their parents. It seems one of her husband’s relatives had to become a ward of the state when they didn’t have money (rather than take it from their kids).

I find the position rather extreme and really not in sync with what I expect happens usually (even leaving aside our cultural differences) but she’s really stuck on it through all this time I’ve been seeing her.

And, I’d tell her that I think it’s nuts but now that she’s disclosed her own situation, I kinda feel like if I say anything, it’ll be passing judgment on her. She already seems fairly sensitive — I was talking about feeling like an arsehole about not sending money etc and she said “Well, maybe I’m an arsehole”.

Argh.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I am practicing exposure therapy on new cat. A couple months ago we were playing with her fish on a stick when she jerked it away from me, it got wrapped around her, and she ran through the apartment in a panic with the stick banging behind her. Ever since then she’s run at the sight of it. We have reached the point where she’ll at least stay in the room and watch me move it around.

Umm... i may need to rethink this...

[atisketatasket]

Oh, Blondie...it’s not about you.

I’m kind of shocked her siblings are not helping out with (genuine) medical expenses. Her I’d excuse if she’s doing other caretaking stuff (same principle as the economic contribution of SAHMs). And letting their mother shoulder the burden when who knows how well-set their mother is? She’s not even related to him.

(Provided of course there isn’t some history of abuse.)

I do not think your cases are the same, though. In her case, she’s not giving money to someone with genuine medical expenses. In your case you are giving money for questionable medical expenses to people who have lied to you in the past about their requests for money in ways that have negatively affected your life and financial well-being.

So I guess I think she is simultaneously right, and wrong.

[Lemoncake]

Word of the day: "auraculous" - of or concerning the wonder occasioned by sound rather than by sight; ear-marvellous.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Cool, Cake. I love new words.

[ruh roh]

AY, @@ makes the points I would make.

In my case, I gave money to a parent on several occassions, although my therapist was clearly not on board with the times this happened while seeing her. I have some horrid siblings who only wanted to know where the money was when this same parent went into a facility and another who wanted to be paid to visit her as a way to spend down her assets--so that's the opposite end of things. Blondie seemingly falls toward the cold and heartless side, while somehow making it sound healthy. I had no idea that was the norm.

So normally our local newspaper has a pet page in it where a charity uses some of the space to advertise pets they have up for rehoming, it's been nearly a month now and the pet page seems to be gone, the charity would advertise and there would be a ask a vet thing on the page as well but as I said it seems to be gone, I'm sad about this

[awkwardlyyours]

atat, rr — yep, I totally agree as well.

It felt a bit like Blondie and I see this so incredibly differently that I suddenly had this total “knowing” sort of realization yesterday — she’ll never understand this stuff and unfortunately for me, it seems to be one of my core issues.

I completely get that my family’s manipulative and obviously I need to be more careful and aware in dealing with them but she actually said that even if that wasn’t the case (as in, if they were totally emotionally fine and were in genuine financial distress), I still shouldn’t be giving them money.

I also kinda felt like an idiot trying to give her examples of when parents might need help (not my case but I know folks who grew up dirt poor, basically subsistence living and then the kids made it big and bailed the whole family out) — Blondie said the parents should then just become wards of the state and threw in a “I don’t know if in your country it’s possible for social welfare to kick in”. Uhhh yeah, nothing like that exists.

It’s just......I am not sure how to continue to talk to her about it.

Thanks for the sanity checks

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I also kinda felt like an idiot trying to give her examples of when parents might need help (not my case but I know folks who grew up dirt poor, basically subsistence living and then the kids made it big and bailed the whole family out) — Blondie said the parents should then just become wards of the state and threw in a “I don’t know if in your country it’s possible for social welfare to kick in”. Uhhh yeah, nothing like that exists.

What the actual.

I think the kind of situation rr describes—kids not helping out, or squeezing elderly parents—is becoming more common, but Blondie is way ahead of the curve here. Kids get drafted into a pro sport in the US, paid millions as a bonus, and they’re expected to do something for their parents—pay off their mortgage, move them out of a bad neighborhood, etc. And generally I think most people do help their parents (except in cases of abuse or financial need), and lots do it even then.

In what Blondie would call “my” culture it would be a matter of serious social shame for a child to be living well and the parent to be a ward of the state (which I think refers to someone mentally or physically incompetent to care for themselves, so she’s not even using the right phrase—next thing you know she’ll be talking about going into the poorhouse). The Greek verb for becoming a parent is middle voice—you have a child for yourself. You care for them when they’re young and vulnerable and they care for you when you’re aged and vulnerable.

I’m sorry this is one of Blondie’s potholes and it sounds like that means you can’t talk about it because she’ll take it personally.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Can'tExplain:

The baby is only 8 months old, and the donkey hasn't been saddle trained yet. I'm not sure what event my sister will put them in.

[awkwardlyyours]

ATAT — yup, exactly, I was flummoxed at how Blondie describes it.

Your mention of the Greek meaning is exactly what I’ve grown up with as well (not just my family but broader norms).

And, while I understand that some of the cultural stuff is different in how it plays out (E.g. We still have a strong expectation of parents living under the same roof as the children even if there’s no specific need for it), I didn’t think the broader idea of what family means or what kids owe their parents etc is terribly different.

But, clearly from all you guys have said, Blondie’s kinda off on her own island — I wasn’t sure if that was the case because she actually told me once that in her culture (she specified “WASP” culture and made a distinction from her husband’s Italian roots), her behavior is the norm (and nor does she harbor any doubts about the validity of it!).

[ruh roh]

AY, any chance that Blondie is just blowing smoke, that she's just trying to make you think it's expected for children to not help out, when that's not usually the case at all? If so, she can easily make the distinction that abuse trumps that obligation.

Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't look after their parents in some way when they need it (with the exception of ilk like my sibs).

I wish there were a way for you to talk to Blondie about this. It's so difficult when they don't understand, especially when they think they do.

[DP_2017]

Heat wave here, 90s and humid for about the next week. Yuck. My dog is miserable. We are hanging indoors and I've stocked up on ice cream

[88Butterfly88]

Ice cream, yum. I'm miserable too with allergies or something but can't take anything since it makes my psych issues worse.

[feralkittymom]

AY, I think Blondie has a definite resentment there that she's being quite dishonest about--or is in denial about. WASP culture in the extreme is that the children will stand to inherit. I've known many WASP adult children who were bitter to the core when they were either cut out of the wills, or Dad had the nerve to follow some speculative path with "their" money, or Mom or Dad dared to remarry and the new spouse got the loot.

In every case, they were quite entitled in their attitudes, and believed that the parents should look out for themselves--but not at the expense of their inheritance.


But there's something else lurking there, too: she didn't marry a WASP, and she seems acutely aware of that fact. The only WASP kids I knew (I went to school with Cabots and Lowells--as in "Lowells speak only to Cabots, and Cabots speak only to God" fame) who even dated outside their ilk did it to spite their parents. And marriage? To a swarthy one? That there is worthy of disinheritance. She's got something in the closet.

[StressedMess]

Hey new couch, hold on to your cushions, I'm flopping down. I have a tension headache from the base of my neck that slowly climbed all the way down my forehead and around my temples. Una, lend me your gosling?

Hopefully you're all having a great evening!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Hey new couch, hold on to your cushions, I'm flopping down. I have a tension headache from the base of my neck that slowly climbed all the way down my forehead and around my temples. Una, lend me your gosling?

Here ya go! Eta - from my private collection, a chick with a cataract lens.