Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I hate processing ****. I hate the limits of therapy. I wanna be able to talk to you when the desire comes. So annoying.

Not sure a week from now any of this will matter anymore.

Dear T,

I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I'm counting down the hours but also dreading the pain afterwards. I'm desperate to reconnect again after I felt so distant from you last time. The only way I know how to feel connected to you is by seeing the worry on your face.

I love you so much.

Never mind, just being pathetic.

Thank you both. I've been playing silly games to distract myself mostly. Pdoc says I can take up to 1.5 mg of Xanax a day and I've only taken 0.5 mg today and it's already 4 PM so I'm within my limit. I'll be okay.

*inarticulate howl*

I'm trying not to listen to that voice that wants me to go to the dark side and to ascribe dark intentions to things I say/do. In the past few weeks, I felt that you kind of knew what I told you today, and the shame/guilt resulting from you learning who the real me is, or at least how the real me feels and thinks, spurned my disclosure.


About the movie incident and about my perceptions of what happened when I went to get my hair done, both disclosures were totally humiliating, as well. I feel really exposed. I know the therapist you, but I don't know if you go home or talk to coworkers and say, What a looney tune. I hope the real you doesn't think that.


But I don't think you are judging me. I think I am okay. I think we are okay.


Thank you for being so consistent, kind, empathic, and accepting.

I blame my emailing you on being shook up from the accident. Sending the email let me feel the comforting connection with you more strongly than just holding my little owl. It hasn't quite been 3 weeks yet since we ended. I'll explain this when I call you later in the week.

I heart you.

When I talked about my dream, I was so upset that my hands were shaking. And when I held them together then sat on them and said, "My hands are shaking," you asked "What is going on for you right now? What are you (feeling? experiencing? something like that)?"

For a very brief moment, I considered saying what I was really feeling: I just want to curl up on the floor and cry forever.

What would you have said? There's not really anything to say to that, is there? Instead, I took some deep breaths and I strung together some words that sort of made sense, and redirected into something that was more coherent and less vulnerable, less raw.

Apparently there is something worse than not hearing from you while you're on vacation: hearing from you, but it being haphazardly written with "I'm not sure what to say about that" in the response. Ouch. I won't be emailing again, that's for sure. Bye.

Dear T,
Thanks for confirming. Sorry I'm so annoying. I just was afraid of finding out in session tomorrow that you'd given that slot to someone else because you missed my e-mail. But you didn't. So, sorry.

LT

what a long day t...

You need to terminate me. Something is wrong with me. I am SO embarrassed. I feel like I am out of control. I feel like I just totally overshared, It's like I started and kept going. A few of the things I said seem really ludicrous. Like, did I really think that? Really? I want to be invisible, again. I am too ashamed of myself to be seen. I'm so sorry for being such a burden. I feel like I am tempting fate, again, by asking you for another appointment. I feel like I am out of control. I feel like, really afraid. Why was I afraid of how I felt? Why don't I know the answer? I am so over myself, I am overwhelmed and I feel bad that I keep texting you each week. Ugh.

I am so angry!!!!!!!!

Dear T,

You moved away 16 months ago. I still feel the loss. I hope you are safe in the big city. Every day I think of you, and want to ask you, was it easy for you to move away and leave all your clients behind? I hope you were not in as much pain as I was. I still feel the loss.

(Sung to the tune of "where oh where has my little dog gone")

Why oh why did I email you
Oh never mind I know why
I was shaken up from the accident
And wasn't in my right mind!!

Please forget that I emailed you.
And then I won't have to call,
To explain away my idiocy
Which makes not much sense at all...

T,

It's like walking along and being terrified of each step in case I walk into an invisible electric fence called "boundaries"

Love you. Looking forward to seeing you.

You're going AWAY!!

Fantasies, go away
wtf is wrong with me

I know it was terrible for me but I miss being manic. So badly. And you wouldn't even fully understand what that means for me because I've kept a lot of stuff I did while manic from you because I was so embarrassed. Still am. I have a lot to tell you...

Is it too early to start planning what I want to say at our next session, when I still don't know when you will be back?

(Not to mention that I am now even more edgy over the summer break...)

I'm still having the oversharing hang over. Why can't I keep my oddities to myself? I'm so weird. You were kind, as always, and I still feel a horrible vulnerability from being seen. It feels like I am not going to recover from this and I feel ungrounded. This is my fault. It feels like I intrusively crossed my own boundaries, if that makes sense.

It was supposed to be a stupid anecdote. A story to make you smile, one of those little stories you tell people without thinking.

I didn't want you to come up with THAT idea too. If anything, you were supposed to convince me of the opposite.

I feel relieved that you came up with it. At the same time it's freaking me out and I think that I must have lied to you, somehow, somewhere, in order to make you suggest this.

Gosh, can I please erase today's session? Delete it from your/my memory, burn the notes you probably wrote after session, etc. Please?

Dear T,
I suspect some of this is my still dealing with ex-MC stuff. I mean, it's only been 3 months since we terminated with him. And this probably seems silly, but when I go to see p-doc next week, it will be the first time I'm driving into that office complex since terminating with ex-MC. I mean, you're right across the street, so it's not like I haven't been in the area. But something about turning into that parking lot... I suppose I can address some of that today. I think I'm nervous about today's session because I won't see you for another 6 days afterward and you'll be out of town (well, I assume, since you're out of the office Fri./Mon./Tues.). I know you might be accessible via e-mail, but I think it's knowing you'll physically be out of town, and I'm sure you won't give any hint of where you're going (or for business vs. fun--since I'd feel more comfortable contacting you if you're, say, at a professional conference rather than family vacation), that's difficult for me.

I suspect this isn't just about your or ex-MC though--that maybe there's childhood stuff that's being triggered by all this. Gonna try to brainstorm a bit about that before session.

--LT