Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

The pain feels like it's too much, T. I want to let go so badly.

Hugs if you want. Or I'll just sit and listen if you want to talk. You don't deserve the suffering you're in.

I wish I never met you!!! You have ruined my life.

Will you tell my anxiety to go away please? Though actually it's you causing it.

I worked all weekend, but I still pondered you. You said I don't want to be seen . BF is still sleeping and the dogs are cuddled up with him, and the feeling that everyone I love is safe and right here makes me smile. I don't think I resist being seen in my real life, except that working with you brought to consciousness scary complicated things that don't have a place yet in the day to day( you say I refuse to integrate these experiences). Right now, I am trying to make a space to think, a space from which to try and see you behind your therapist costume. Who are you? Do you care? Are you present? It's confusing to be coaxed, pushed, and flat-out told I need to be vulnerable with you, when you take pride in not being seen. Therapy confuses me. Two people in a reciprocal relationship doesn't confuse me. Nonetheless, my focus on you is intense and immense. You have my full attention. I want to connect with you in a consistent way, but my trust o meter is up and down depending on how authentic you seem or how phony.

Hi t,

Thought of you yesterday when I met someone with your name. I hope you are well. See you Thursday.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
Wish I could shake your hand today at the end of session, but I imagine I'm still coughing or blowing my nose too much for you to be comfortable (though I doubt I'm still contagious, since it's been a week).


See you in a little over 4 hours,
LT

I don't want to live anymore...just barely surviving as it is. And what makes it worse is that I honestly think you don't care.

Stay safe AnnaBegins

I wish I could tell you my obsession with you is getting too much for me. I think about you pretty much all day every day. I've stalked your children's and ex husband's Facebook profiles. And I've saved your picture onto my phone from Facebook so that I can look at it twenty times a day. I feel so bad about having done it and wish I could tell you but I'm worried you'd say that's the end of the therapy.

I don't exist

It's not uncommon to feel this way. Have you thought about having a hypothetical conversation with her about attachment to therapists? Or asking her theoretical perspective on attachment in therapy?

We've spoken about me obsessing about her and putting her on a pedestal and she said it's normal and just tells us I somehow lacked tuned care in early years. She doesn't know about the extent of my obsession though and the Facebook stalking and I feel like I can't progress into talking about anything else until I confess. But then I worry she will think that's me crossing the boundaries too far and will end our therapeutic relationship. I actually thought I'd started a new thread on this but it never appeared somehow. Just wanted people's advice on whether and how much to disclose and how to pluck up the courage.

Didn’t like today’s session. I wanted to talk about “deep stuff” but it didn’t happen. I didn’t feel connected to you. We weren’t on the same page today. Thank you for the book you leant me though. Tried to tell you how I feel about you, but struggled with identifiying my feelings for you, when you said don’t identify them, they just are what they are, I was a bit pissed off with you. You seemed pre-occupied today, like you didn’t care, but you don’t do you, I’m just another client. Wish you could read this, wish you knew it was me.

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Ugh I emailed you basically saying "please send me a scrap of your attention because it will give me momentary relief from my anxiety which is caused entirely by my attachment to you" and that's probably given you a massive dilemma about whether to send me a scrap and alleviate the anxiety momentarily or to not give me a scrap, risk hurting me but allow me to feel the feelings.
It's a test, T, but I'm not sure how you pass it.

Well however you were supposed to pass it, that wasn't it. 😐

Why, what did she reply?

It's a he, he described some stupid mindfulness technique, even though I have told him before I'm not interested in meditation. I think he didn't have a clue what to write.

Dear T,
That wasn't necessarily the direction I expected our session to take today, but it ended up being helpful. Clearly some of that stuff is an issue for me...And thanks for shaking my hand, taking my word for it that I was "well enough for a handshake." (Even though maybe you immediately ran across the hall and scrubbed for a minute.)
Feeling kinda warm and fuzzy now, but don't think I'll tell you about that.
--LT

I drifted off on the plane, that woozy weird travel sleep, then I woke with your words in my head, about the kind of attachment healing that can happen with a healthy committed relationship.

When you said it in our last session, I had a visceral reaction: I don’t even know what that means and I don’t trust it or like it and just no. In my half-dream I answered you: I only know how to take care of people. I don’t think I remember how to let someone take care of me too.

When I woke up all the way, I was crying.

I'm trying to move past the utter uselessness of your suggestion via email tonight and just be grateful to you. You did take the time out to email me at 9pm and I'm thankful for that. And it's always nice to see an email from you arrive in my inbox. So thanks for replying.
But please don't ever suggest a visualisation to me again.
The anxiety is not the problem. It is a symptom of the problem.

I want something from you - I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy that you're not giving it to me. I don't understand why this is happening. This never happened with previous T, why with you? Why? I can't bear all this. It's too much. I feel abandoned and betrayed and I don't even know why.

Today can crawl right back where it ****ing came from. I've waited two weeks to talk about what I need to talk about, Universe...is that not long enough?

I know this cannot be helped, but ****ing hell...seriously?