Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

I feel terrible.

50 mins.

24 mins.

I'll pocket ride if you want

Dear T,
Part of me wants to e-mail you and be like "Never mind, just keep the schedule as it was!" But, first, that's kind of annoying. Second, I need to learn to just sit with and accept decisions I've made, instead of constantly second-guessing them. I really need to work on this with you because it's something that often affects me. I think it all comes down to not trusting myself. In this specific case, it's also about asking for what I want vs. what I feel I *should* want (or shouldn't want). So it's like I'm often in a battle with myself. OCD and anxiety, with some guilt and shame thrown in. It's great fun, really!
LT

I think I just found the perfect analogy

Being in my head feels like this: you sit in your room and you watch TV. You see the main character do whatever they do. Sometimes those things aren’t what you’d do in the situations the character is in. That’s when you start talking to the character, to your TV. Obviously, that doesn’t do anything, and you’re left alone in your room, frustrated that you can’t change the story that’s playing in the TV.

Sometimes, friends and family come over and watch TV with you. Unfortunately, you all have different opinions on what the main character is supposed to do, which is why a huge fight starts. Everyone talks, yells. This results in a huge chaos, in which everyone looses track of what’s going on in the story/movie.

Sometimes, you get to play the main character.

Except that, Friends and families are your different thoughts or different opinions you have. And your room feels like a cage.

I should probably translate this and show it to you, huh... not sure if I’m even making sense though

Dear t,

I feel like you'll be mad if I tell you the truth. It's not that I think you'll judge but you just wouldn't understand. For the first time in a while
.
I will tell you this but I don't trust you with the reasons why I did it.

-Butterfly

I miss ur support

(((QM)))

Ex-t, I figured out that I'm using the sand tray pics as an excuse to see you. I'm gonna ask you to just email them. If you say no, I'll deal with that.

Why does my heart love you so? You're not my friend, you never were and will never be, so I don't wanna go back to that fantasy.

My dream was telling it like it is.

Thanks...

I wish I could just get over it...but I can't. I'm really trying but I just can't get past the pain.

Not even for my daughter.

Hugs if you'd like.

So much for meeting twice a week, huh? Hopefully it works out next week.

I shouldn't have emailed you while you're on vacation, even though you encouraged it. Not hearing back is painful.

I wish I had not emailed.

Dear t,

I'm not coping well. I think I'm going to be taking my maximum allowed dose of Xanax these next couple of days. You picked a bad week to be busy. On the plus side I'm out of the hotel and back home but things are still gloomy all around.

-Butterfly

Hugs, that's scary...Do whatever you need (safely) to cope...

Sorry for my fantasies
Lol
You'll never know

Ex-t, just got back from shopping with my mom. She took the highway and I did not like it at all made me very tense after my accident 5 days ago. I feel like I should be over it by now but I am kinda not. Nobody got hurt so it shouldn't be a big deal but...

Oh butterfly, do be careful - xanax can get very possessive and not like to let go

Dear T,

I'm looking forward to seeing you today. Although it can feel like backsliding, these last few weeks at weekly rather than every other week therapy was the right decision. I take better care of myself overall when I make time for weekly therapy, and I find my therapy muscle and introspection are better exercised weekly. Thanks for adjusting your schedule to allow me to see you weekly, and for no commentary at all about the change. I like the "if you ask for it, I will give it to you if I can" approach. At least someone in my life makes it that simple for me. Feels good, but I hope I don't get used to it.

Forced myself to go out to eat for lunch by myself - went to my favorite restaurant hoping it would help make me feel a little bit better. Had a full blown panic attack while I was there and started crying. Had to bring back my food in a box and don't think I'll ever be able to show my face in there again.

Used to be able to text you when I had a panic attack so it didn't escalate to that point. You took that away from me too.

Not sure why I keep trying...

I hit a car in February and I still tense every time I go through that intersection (which is every day). It’s scary!