Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, please do hold me to my commitment to 3 months of weekly. I am ready to do this.

I am anxious tonight. I miss you. I don't know how to soothe myself other than by contacting you.

2 hours 45 minutes
but who's counting?

I think you said you loved me and I think I said I love you too.

Cantfindthewords found the words

Dear T,
Um...what was up with that one comment? The one regarding the thing from the beach? Yeah, that one... I mean, it's OK, I'm not offended or anything, it's just...What was up with that?

LT

Another day, more silence - give me some shred of hope tomorrow, maybe?

Dear T

I am both pained and relieved that you suggested that we start meeting twice a week. You talk about my very deep-seated trauma and how we need to get into it. How it might make it easier for me to open up if we are meeting more frequently.

But I am scared that you will get tired of me. We have a good relationship now, am I really ready for you to see every every side of me?

I have some thinking to do about whether or not I should agree to this twice weekly thing.

No BS tomorrow, ok? This is going to be difficult for me to talk about even if you are completely on your game. I'll close up most likely if you aren't.

Dear T,

I wonder if I can tell you about my grief-moment. I prefer to continue the illusion that after 4 years, I am completely over it.

But I was walking the neighborhood with the dog and the boy, and the conversation we were having left me in awe with respect to the way he is emotionally and intellectually maturing. I had this thwarted punch to the gut sensation where I just wanted to share with his father about how incredible his growth is. The boy's birthday later this week is probably pushing into this as well.

I felt such happiness and joy in that connection with the boy, and at the same time my heart filled with such a weepy kind of ache for what his father has and will continue to miss. I'm trying to tilt in the direction of happiness, but the ache seems to be pushing my head under water.

you said something stupid that even you knew you should apologize for it and did so... you're right though, why do I come to therapy.

You’re never going to write to me, are you?

T please don't change your mind by Thursday. I know I would deserve it. I imagine you feel taken advantage of by my stupidity. I'm heading for a guilt spiral and I need to pull myself out of this. I didn't intend on doing that. It's an autonomous behavior, as I learned yesterday. Help me?

T,

So, the kind of treatment you wanted me to do isn't suitable for me. It isn't for people with my diagnose, but for people with psychoses and such. I told you after I read about it, but you were convinced it was also for me. You were wrong. They called me today. They can offer other treatments, but those are the same kind that you ad the other T's at your practise offer. And they have a waitinglist of more than 8 months. You guys want me to quit this year. That would mean I wouldn't have therapy. I can look for another, but there are waitinglist everywhere. And I'm tired of changing T's. And after what you did, I can't trust another T again. You knew what has happened with another T. You knew how hard it is for me to trust a T. And then you do this.
I've send you an mail, but you are on vacation. Why didn't you told me when I saw you 2 weeks go? You said I could email you about a next appoinment. But you haven't even replied to my mail from 1,5 weeks ago.
Why? Because I had some critism about you and the therapy? Or because I still do want PrevT back?
I just didn't expected this from you. I trusted you. I thought you cared about me, even though it is your job.
I feel like you just left me to my own. I've no one to talk to.
I thought you cared. I feel so stupid.

I just had a mammogram last week and I got a call today saying I need to go in for another one on one side. I'm trying to not worry as it won't help, but it intermittently overwhelms me.

Thanks T.

Several years I had to go back for an ultrasound on one side, then I had to have a needle biopsy. It is so difficult to wait for information; I think it was a month from "come back" to "it's benign." What helped me at the time was the statistics that 90% of the "go back" cases are negative, or benign. So the odds are overwhelmingly on your side but I am still sorry you have to go through this.

hey t, i gotta say this, if you need to yell at me Thursday, just go ahead and get it over with, I know I deserve it.

Anne - thanks for the statistical information, it really makes me feel better. I'm glad that it was benign for you.

I also really appreciate the hugs from you all.

Of course I'm getting sick the night before our appointment. Of course I am.

I feel like I failed you, and you don't even understand the half of it

I am so tempted to delete all the vulnerable messages I sent you about attachment before you can read them. Instead, I typed them out and printed it and put it in my therapy notebook.

I'm so afraid you'll say those dreaded words again: {Your feelings are} therapy-interfering.

You'll never schedule a double session with me. One hour is the limit to how much you can tolerate me.

Dear T,

Clearer headed today, as I recognized something for what it was and turned away. Like the poem, not gonna fall into that hole again, at least not for today. Saw it, walked around it, and today I'm going down a different street.

Yesterday much went according to plan, and I'm off today to move towards the same. I think recognizing the boy's birthday as a historical trigger was helpful. Another hole in the sidewalk.

I was thinking this morning, t about how long we've been doing this now. I guess it really shouldn't be a surprise how long it's taking, I mean, I need to get real about it, seriously, look at all the layers of protection I have around 'me' - both physical (all the extra weight) and emotional. I don't know how the hell you ever got even a glimpse through it all of the person I am deep inside but you did. Granted we're making progress chipping away at those layers - I've lost 52 physical pounds of that 'protection' - and the layers of emotional protection are lessening as well, I know because when I was back with my girlfriends earlier this month I was able to talk with them so honestly (which I always could to some extent because they are wonderful people) but I was able to do it without crying and to a greater extent. AND I shared briefly at my first CODA meeting, also without crying. Tears that used to stop me from talking were part of my emotional protection I guess. So we're getting there. Slowly but surely.

I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ***. I know I've apologized for that before and that it probably doesn't mean anything anymore because I continue to be a pain in the ***. I'm hoping that it's all just part of the work and that you're not going to yell at me Thursday. But if you need to, just get it over with. I deserve it.

I'm so very grateful to you for sticking with me for so long and putting up with my ******** and for still wanting to help me enough to offer me the reduced rate for the next 3 months. I haven't come weekly in so long I'm not gonna know how to act.

Oh and speaking of clear-headed that somebody else wrote. I am feeling very clear-headed since I made the decision to do this weekly thing after all and reached out to you to ask for it. It's like my acknowledging to myself and saying in the meeting the other day that I am indeed co-dependent cleared out a bunch of mental noise that didn't belong there or something. Man am I glad that you brought that up again because I am so ready to know it and do something about it this time around.